Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (17 page)

‘Right!' he said, downin the last of his tea. ‘Follow me.' An we were out on the street, clatterin after him aroun onta the hill. It used te be called the stones, long ago, by the old people. Every Saturday mornin it's a market where people sell old clothes an furniture, an everythin cheap. We went on te Parnell Street an turned right on te Gardiner Street, then left up the hill. I was makin sure te look as if I was runnin. But I couldn't go fast wit Charlie, he'd only started te walk not long ago. I was jumpin up an down in me big shoes, tryin te keep them on me. An they were makin an awful noise altogether. When Jackser looks back, he'll see we're hurryin.

Two young fellas were sittin on the path, throwin stones on te the road an hittin cars an horses tha was passin. Then they'd run off. They came back an were sittin down again. As we neared them on the hill, they looked aroun as me an Charlie were comin, an they watched us until we were passin them. Then one of the young fellas said te me, ‘Hey, young one! If ye're thinkin of enterin fer the Irish dancin, they won't let ye in, cos ye're too smelly an scabby!'

I looked at him an forgot about Jackser. ‘Go on over an drag yer aul one from the pub an tell her te bring ye home an give ye a good feedin. Cos ye'd need tha before ye take me on!'

Yer man leapt out in front of me. ‘I'm goin te fuckin mill ye fer tha!'

Jackser looked back at tha minute, ‘Come the fuckin on!' he roared, wavin his fist at me.

‘Lookit!' I shouted te the young fella. ‘He'll kill ye if ye don't let us pass!'

‘I'm not afraid of yer aul fella!' yer man roared. Then he roared up at Jackser, ‘Me da's a docker, an he's a boxer as well!'

Jackser came walkin back, an the young fella moved himself well back outa Jackser's way, ready te run. ‘She called me ma names, Mister! Ye should chastise her fer tha. There was no call fer it, so there wasn't! We said nothin te her, we were just mindin our own business, so we were! Isn't tha right, Madser?'

‘Yeah, Mister, ye should put manners on her,' tha Madser said.

Jackser looked at me. ‘I'll fuckin down ye fer causin trouble,' he said, an he was clenchin his fists an openin them again.

I looked in fear at the young fellas. Their faces were alive wit excitement. ‘No, Jackser! They laughed at ye an said terrible things about ye. They said ye were bandy! “Lookit the bandy little fucker!” they said, when ye passed them. I wouldn't let them get away wit tha. Wasn't I right, Jackser?'

‘Yeah!' Jackser said. ‘Go on, ye little bastards, before I fuck ye's under a car,' an they ran off, callin him bandy midget, Jew nose, whore master. ‘We know where ye live. An we'll send me da te get ye!'

We went aroun the corner an inta an arch an came inta the flats. Jackser went inta a ground-floor flat. He knocked at the door an said te me, ‘This woman is a friend of mine. She'll mind ye until yer mammy gets outa the hospital.' The door opened an a woman came out wit an apron aroun her an slippers on her feet. She had her dyed blonde hair in curlers an a Woodbine hangin in her mouth, an she looked down at us wit one eye closed, cos smoke got in her eye. She took a big drag of her cigarette an took it outa her mouth an said, ‘Is this them, then? I suppose ye'd better come in.' An she dragged herself off up the hall, cos she was very fat, an the weight was too much fer her. Jackser shut the door, an we followed him inta the sittin room.

There was a gang of kids, some were millin each other under the table, an a big young one, she was about nine, was holdin a babby on her knee an tryin te feed it somethin on a spoon from a bowl. She stopped wit the spoon halfway te the babby's mouth te get a good look at me. I don't think she liked wha she saw, cos she clamped her mouth shut, which was gapin open, an at tha minute the babby got fed up waitin fer his feed an gave the spoon a clout, sendin the mushy food splatterin all over the young one's hair an face. ‘Ah, Mammy! Lookit wha he done!' she roared.

‘Mind wha ye're doin,' the mammy roared back, ‘an he wouldn't a done it. Here! Give him over te me.'

A young fella who was stretched out on the floor playin wit a kitten got up an came over te me. ‘Lookit! He's mine,' an he showed me the newborn kitten.

‘Ah, can I hold him? Lookit, Charlie! Isn't he gorgeous?' I said.

The mammy looked over an said, ‘I told ye. Tha's not stayin! When yer father gets in, he's goin te drown it!'

The young fella started roarin, ‘Ye're not drownin me kitten, ye cow, ye!'

The mammy looked as if she was goin te make a run at him, an I backed meself an Charlie outa the way. But she just went red in the face an ground her teeth, an said te the young one, ‘Get up an put them all outside te play. Before I'm hung fer murderin the lot of them.'

I opened the door an took meself an Charlie outside. Then the young fella wit the kitten came chargin out an knocked inta us an sent Charlie flyin te the ground. He kept runnin an looked back an laughed when he saw me pick Charlie up from the ground cryin. I kissed Charlie. This was all very strange fer him, an I knew he wanted me mammy.

The young fella was tormentin me now. ‘Ye're not stayin in me house. Me ma said ye're poxy bastards!'

‘Ye're a liar!' I shouted back. ‘She didn't say tha, an we are stayin here! So why is she lettin us stay, then, if she didn't want us?'

‘Cos yer man Jackser promised her a few bob. Tha's why!' he said.

‘Right, so we're stayin, an ye're not stoppin us!'

Wit tha, he threw the kitten at me, hittin me smack in the face. I felt the warmth of the kitten's belly in me mouth an then the thud as it smacked the ground. I looked down in fright, an the kitten jerked an blood came outa its nose. I looked up at the young fella, who started te laugh. Me body went rigid, an then a hot fire hit me belly. I lunged at him, sendin him flyin flat on his back. Then I jumped on him. ‘Come on, I'll show ye wha Jackser taught me! I'm goin te stand on yer belly an rip yer tongue outa yer mouth!' I was just like Jackser, an the young fella, who was older, he was eight, was screamin fer his life. I was roarin an shoutin, an standin on yer man's belly, an tryin te catch his tongue, an tellin him all the horrible things I was goin te do te him, when a crowd of aul ones came runnin outa their doors an dragged me offa the young fella.

They were shoutin at me an blessin themselves an sayin, tha was a terrible carry on, an they'd never seen the like of it in their lives! An they were holdin the young fella te their chests an lookin at him, an fixin his hair, an wipin his snots wit their shawls, an holdin him again. An tellin me I should be locked up! I looked up at them, an I couldn't understand why they were so annoyed, cos I thought tha tha's wha ye're supposed te do! I looked at the young fella, an, yeah, he did get an awful fright, but's tha's wha Jackser does te me all the time, I thought! ... So ... I wasn't supposed te do tha!

I'm after gettin an awful fright, too, cos the mammy came runnin out, an she was terrible annoyed as well. An ye could see the look on her face, like she couldn't understand how I could be so vicious. ‘I'm not keepin ye's. Jackser can come an take ye's away,' she said te me.

So now I know not everyone is like Jackser. Ye're not supposed te go mad an hurt people. An not everyone is like me ma. Other mammies don't let other people hurt their childre. I'll never copy Jackser again. An I'll never be like me ma. I'll be somebody when I grow up. People will respect me.

Jackser came te collect us. He gave me a dirty look an just said, ‘Well, tha's it then. There's nothin more I can do fer ye. Go on! Get movin.' An we stayed in the room, sittin on the bed, waitin fer night an slept. An Jackser came in at night an fell inta his bed drunk. We didn't see him, we'd only hear him movin aroun. An tha's the way it is until me mammy comes outa hospital.

The new babby is inchy whinchy tiny. Charlie stands beside me, lookin over at him wit his mouth open. He doesn't know what it is. We watch me ma givin him his bottle. He's in a little white nightgown, an me ma has him sittin on her lap. An his head an neck is held in me ma's hand, an she's rubbin his back. Jackser told us te get away from him, cos we were breathin on him, he said.

The babby brings up a little white stuff from his neck, an Jackser is very worried. ‘Ah, look, Sally!' he says. ‘Me son is gettin sick. Is he all right, Sally? Do ye think we should get him looked at? He's lookin a bit dozy, don't ye think? Will he not drink all tha bottle fer ye? Them hospitals don't know wha they're doin. Maybe we should get ourselves a good doctor? Sally! I'm talkin te ye! Are ye fuckin listenin at all?'

‘Will ye stop moidierin me!' me ma says. ‘Tha's only wind! Get me tha nappy an borax powder, will ye. I'm tormented wit ye!' she says te Jackser.

‘You, Mrs!' Jackser turns on me. ‘Ye heard yer mammy. Run an get wha she wants.'

I dash over te the press an bring the stuff.

‘Where's the pins I asked ye te get?'

‘Wha pins, Ma?'

‘The pins fer the nappy!'

‘I don't know where ye put them, Ma.'

‘They were wit the dirty nappy I gave ye.'

‘No, ye didn't, Ma. Jackser took tha.'

‘Ask him where he put them pins!'

Jackser comes runnin over from the sink an grabs the back of me neck an pushes me head down te the floor. ‘Do ye see them, Mrs? Do ye see them now?'

‘Yeah, Jackser. I have them, they were on the floor beside me ma's chair.'

He releases me head from the floor, an I hand the pins te me ma. She takes them an looks away from me, an she looks far away. Then the little babby gave a jerk an kicked his legs out an squealed. He was fed up in this position. An me ma remembered him an looked down at him as much as te say, are ye still here? Then she looked away again, gone te her own world. An I knew then I was never goin te have me mammy ever again.

I looked over at Charlie, an he was still gapin at the little babby. His mouth was open, an his eyes were starin. An every time the babby moved his tiny hands an head an made a noise, me little Charlie lifted his hands in a fist an looked at me like he wanted te get a better look. An maybe he could play wit it. But there was nothin I could do fer him, we had te stay away from Jackser's babby.

The little babby is called Teddy, an Jackser has a photograph of the three of them. He calls it the family photograph, an his babby is in the middle of them. It sits in a frame on the mantelpiece, an Jackser can't stop lookin at it an admirin it.

I have te be sent back te school, so I'm sent te Rutland Street School. When all the childre get inta school, they lock the doors. Tha's te stop us escapin. There's a lot of other kids, an they look a bit like me. So they'll talk te me, but I have te be tested before they will decide if I'm one of them. There's a few who are put sittin in the back of the class. I'd prefer te be wit the ones who behave themselves. They are not as hard as the dunces at the back. But I don't know anythin, an I don't know me letters or numbers or about anythin te do wit school. The teacher just asked everyone a question. But I don't know wha she's talkin about. A few of the childre are jumpin up an down wit their hands in the air, an one young one is holdin up the leg of her knickers an hoppin off the desk, an she's lickin her snots comin outa her nose. ‘Miss! Miss! I know! I know!' she shouts.

The teacher finally asks her, an she takes a big gulp of air, an then a big lick of her drippin snot, an shouts out the answer. The teacher is satisfied an says, ‘Now, you lot! Pay attention. Good girl, Lilly! You were the only one listening.' Lilly looked aroun at the rest of us an made a face an gave a big sigh of breath, an we were ragin. The dunces at the back called her names an said they were goin te get her, an they were laughin. The teacher heard them an roared at them te, ‘Come up here, you ignoramuses!' An she made them all line up an hold out their hands high in the air, an she brought the cane back an it came flyin down on their hands wit a whoosh through the air an a whack on the hand. She watched their eyes te see if they showed fear, but the brazen ones were like a block of ice. She put all her mighty strength inta the cane, but she didn't get the better of them. When the five of them went back te their seats wit their hands roastin, they had a smirk on their faces, an everyone looked te see if there was any giveaway signs of softness. But they held their ground, an not one of them gave a sniffle. I could see tha's how ye got te be tops an had everyone afraid of ye. Then ye'd have people admirin ye, no one would fight ye, an ye'd have lots a friends.

I was in the yard eatin me bun. On Friday, ye get a currant bun an a little bottle of milk. I prefer the other days, when ye get a sambidge, cos I don't like currants. But I'm hungry. So I'm sittin on the ground wit me back te the wall an tryin te keep me legs in, cos the other kids are goin mad, tearin aroun an pullin an draggin each other. An I don't want te get kicked, cos me legs are always painin me. I'm sortin the currants outa the bun, an Lilly comes over. ‘Do ye not want yer bun? I'll take it if ye don't want it!' Lilly says.

‘Ah, yeah! I'm eatin it meself, but ye can have me currants.'

‘Lovely!' Lilly says, an sits down beside me. ‘Ye're new,' she says. ‘Where were ye at school before here?'

‘Gardiner Street,' I says. ‘What's it like here? Them young ones who was hit by the teacher look vicious.'

‘Ah, I don't mind them. I have me big sister. She'd tear them alive!'

‘Ye're great in class!' I said. ‘Do ye know yer letters an can ye do sums?'

‘Yeah, I know me letters. I watch me sister an she learnt me.'

‘Ye're lucky,' I said. ‘Look! Will ye learn me a few letters, cos I'd love te be able te write me name. An then maybe sometime I'd be able te learn te read. Will ye help me? Will ya? An I'll give ye me currants on a Friday.'