Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (35 page)

‘Is he comin back here?' I asked in a whisper, feelin a terrible weakness come over me.

‘Don't ye know he is!' me ma said, very annoyed wit me.

‘Ma, please, we're grand without him, don't let him back.'

‘An where will we go?' me ma shouted. ‘This place is in his name. The Corporation won't give me a place of me own unless he gives up this place, an he's not goin te do tha! Now don't be moidierin me.' An she turned her back on me an hung up her coat on the back of the door.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, the life gone outa me. I looked at me ma, an I could sense the excitement in her at havin Jackser back. She really wants him back! It's nothin te do wit her not bein able te get her own place! I couldn't believe it. She likes tha Jackser, an the hell wit everyone else! Me ma is only out fer herself. I'm only useful te her fer gettin her things an doin everythin I can fer her. There was somethin about the way she was all excited about havin Jackser back tha made me feel sick an disgusted in me stomach wit her. An I didn't care if I never saw her again. I felt me heart go cold, an it was as if I was made of stone. I didn't feel anythin, or care, or think, or look forward te anythin. I felt nothin. Just stone cold. I've another five years te wait until I'm fourteen. Then I can get a job an go te England. But I don't think I'm goin te wait tha long.

Me ma was down on her hands an knees sloshin dirty water aroun the floorboards. She dipped the greasy, smelly, dirty rag inta the bucket of dirty water. There was bits of fluff from the rag an a bit of the bottle top from the milk bottle, an lumps of brown stuff, probably shit, tha had been caked inta the floor now all floatin on top of the dirty water. She lifted the drippin rag an slapped it down on the floor again. An leaned over te a dry spot, pushin the bucket outa her way. An started spreadin the soppin rag from left te right, makin big black streaks on the boards, an spreadin the rubbish from the bucket aroun. ‘Aroun the world I'll search for you,' she sang happily. I wondered why the water wasn't lovely an clean an sudsy, an the floor comin up snow white an smellin of soap an disinfectant like when Mrs Dunne an the other mammies scrubbed their floors. Me ma can't do anythin right.

I was gettin more annoyed by the minute watchin her. The floor was even mankier now than before she started. An the smell was givin me a headache. It was like rotten shit. The babby was covered from head te toe in the filthy water, dashin aroun on his hands an knees wearin only a vest an tryin te get at the bucket of water an splash it all over himself an slap the floor like me ma. An he'd blink his eyes an stop in shock when the cold water hit him, an then slap the water in the bucket again. An me ma shouted at him an pushed him away, but he kept circlin aroun her an crawlin over the wet floor, draggin the dirty water over the clean spot.

Me ma says, ‘Tha's clean anyway.' An she jumped up an grabbed Harry. ‘Here! Mind tha child before I lose me rag wit the lot of ye's!' she roared at me, dumpin the babby on the bed beside me. Then she turned suddenly, slipped on the wet floor an sent the bucket flyin. An a gush of water went everywhere. Me ma's right leg shot out straight in front of her, an she landed on her back, slidin along the floor. An there was an awful quiet. We all gaped, tryin te take in the sudden shock an wonderin if me ma was kilt. ‘Me leg! Ah! Me back!' Me ma crawled slowly onta her knees an tried te get up.

‘Are ye all right, Ma?' I asked her, afraid te breathe.

‘Lookit me floor! The curse of Jaysus on the lot of ye's, ye whore's melt! I haven't had a day's luck since I had the lot of ye's,' me ma screamed, lookin at me, eyes bulgin. I stared, an me ma suddenly lunged fer the table, pickin up the knife an throwin it at me. I whipped up me left arm, coverin me face te protect me head, an the knife caught me on the elbow, sendin a white hot pain shootin through me.

‘Ah! Me arm! You've hurt me arm!' I jumped off the bed, holdin me arm, an blood dripped everywhere. The knife hit the bone in me elbow an sliced open me arm, makin a gash.

‘I warned ye,' me ma screamed, ‘not te torment me! Ye were lyin on yer arse, not botherin te give me a hand, an now ye got wha ye deserve. I'll be done fer ye if ye don't stop drippin tha blood everywhere!'

I looked aroun fer somethin te stop the blood, but the floor was covered in water, an I was afraid te move in case I made her even more annoyed. ‘Gimme somethin te put on it, Ma!' I shouted in pain.

She picked up the bucket an squeezed out the dirty floor rag an said, ‘Here! Wipe it wit tha.' I held the slimy rag, not wantin te hold it, the smell of it. But I pressed it te me arm an held it there. The pain in me bone was still stabbin through me.

‘Gimme the cloth,' me ma said, an went back te cleanin the floor. I bent down an picked up me cardigan from under the bed an put it on.

‘I'm goin out, Ma, te see if there's anythin happenin. I might pick up somethin.' I knew she wouldn't stop me then if she thought I might bring back anythin.

Charlie was sittin on the ground wit a stick, spittin in the mud tryin te make shapes wit the stick. He jumped up when he saw me. ‘Are ye goin somewhere, Martha?'

‘Yeah! Let's go fer a wander.' An he dropped the stick an followed me out the gate onta Corporation Street.

‘Where are we goin, Martha?'

‘I don't know yet. Let's just see.'

The shops were closed, cos it was Sunday. An people had their good clothes on. I knew I was a bit of a show wit me pipe cleaners still in me hair an tryin te cover them up wit me ma's scarf on me head, an holdin me arm wit the blood still seepin through me woolly cardigan. It was still painin me an wouldn't stop bleedin.

‘What ails yer arm, Martha? Ye're all full a blood.'

‘Nothin. Me ma just hit me, tha's all.'

‘Let's get a look!'

‘No, leave it! It's still painin me.' I pushed his hand away. ‘Come on, let's go up te O'Connell Street.' I knew this was me last chance te have time te play before Jackser came back tomorrow. An I didn't want te think about him, cos it was makin me feel very sick.

We walked behind a man an a woman wit a boy of about six, holdin his hands in the middle of them. The father was holdin the hand of another child, a girl of about my age. She skipped along, suckin on an ice-cream cornet, an her long shiny ringlets bounced up an down. I admired her no end. She looked lovely wit the big white ribbon tied up in a bow on the top of her head. An she was wearin a lovely red coat wit a velvet collar an a belt at the back, an lovely red patent shoes wit straps te match, an white ankle socks. An she had lovely fat white legs, an ye could see she got a lot of good feedin an plenty of washin. I'd say she was definitely washed in hot water an soap every day. Tha's how she got te look like tha.

‘Daddy, can we please go to the café and eat supper after the Phoenix Park?' she asked her daddy, lookin up at him.

‘Now, now, Poppet! Mummy may have other ideas,' he laughed, lookin down at her.

‘Oh, please, Daddy! You promised.'

‘Now, Sarah! Do behave!' the mammy said, lookin over at Sarah.

I rushed past, wantin te get a better look at Sarah, who was shakin herself an her father's hand an her ice cream up an down in a temper, an spillin ice cream down the front of her lovely coat. An I stopped in front of them te look, an Sarah stopped actin the babby an gaped at me as if I had two heads, an moved in closer te her father. She looked up at him an then at me. An I watched her mammy take a white lace handkerchief outa her shiny black patent handbag an dab the ice cream on Sarah's coat. ‘Really!' said the mammy. ‘You ought to be more careful, dear. You really are a very naughty girl!'

Sarah stamped her foot an threw the ice cream on the ground, an we followed its landin wit our mouths open. Charlie looked at me an then dived on the cornet, pickin it up an shovin it up inta his mouth before Sarah changed her mind an screamed fer it back. Jaysus, I thought, rushin off. Imagine actin like tha at her age! She didn't look mental. An the mammy an daddy even let her get away wit it! How does tha happen? I suppose the toffs are all like tha. Very kind. I'd love te be Sarah. One day I'll be like tha. I'll wash every day an eat good grub an be very kind.

We stopped outside Cafolla's café an gaped in at the people all sittin at tables dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. An eatin plates of fish an chips an beans, an fried white eggs wit the lovely yella yolks in the middle. An pots of tea an bread an butter. An the childre were eatin big tumblers full of different-coloured ice cream an drinkin lemonade. An the smell comin outa the door was gorgeous. ‘Why can't we go in there?' Charlie said, lookin up at me. ‘Would ye need loads a money, Martha?' He was shiftin from one foot te the other an smackin his lips.

‘Yeah! Ye would,' I said.

A young one stared out at me, makin a face an shakin her head at me. An puttin a big dollop of ice cream inta her ugly face an then stickin her tongue, wit the ice cream still on it, at us.

‘Come on,' I said. ‘Let's go in!'

I marched past the young one wit the ice cream, an her head shot aroun, watchin me go up te the counter. An she shouted at her mammy, ‘Look, Mammy! Look at them dirty children comin in here. They're not supposed te be in here.'

‘Shush, Mary! Eat your ice cream and take no notice,' the mammy said.

I stood up straight, tryin te make meself look important. ‘Out!' the waitress screamed at us.

‘Eh! I wonder if I could ...'

‘No! Out, come on!' she said, pointin te the door.

Ice-cream face roared laughin.

‘What is it?' a red-faced older woman asked, turnin aroun from behind the counter.

‘Could I have a glass of water fer me little brother, please? He's very thirsty!'

The woman looked down at Charlie, an the young waitress said, ‘No, Nelly, don't mind them, they're only lookin fer somethin fer nothin!'

‘Ah, they're only childre, fer God's sake,' an she bent down an poured out two glasses of orange squash an put them on the counter. ‘Here, take them, an drink them at tha table over there. An don't be mindin Dinah, she has serious matters on her mind an wants te take it out on everyone.' Then she wiped the counter wit a wet dishcloth an roared laughin. ‘Don't worry, Dinah, there's plenty more fish in the sea! Ye were right te let tha one go, he was only a tiddler. Next time ye might land yerself a big one! Maybe even a shark!' then she roared laughin again. Dinah stopped wipin the empty table an came over te the counter an whispered inta Nelly's ear. Nelly stopped suckin on her false teeth te listen an then threw her head back, an the two of them roared laughin. ‘Go way!' Nelly said, wipin her eyes an nose. ‘I suppose he thought it was fer stirrin his tea!' An they laughed again.

I sat at the empty table wit Charlie beside me an sipped me orange lookin over at Ice-cream face, who was gobsmacked. An I put me nose in the air an looked away from her. I wasn't goin te make a show of meself makin faces at her.

I sipped slowly, feelin I was on me way te bein grown up. This is what it must be like when ye're big an ye're yer own person. I enjoyed watchin the people sittin an eatin an the two women at the counter nudgin each other an havin a great laugh. I felt like I was all a part of wha was goin on. An people were not bothered even lookin at us now, cos Nelly was good te us. They thought we were all right, too. This is so peaceful. Charlie gave a big heave outa his chest an slammed the empty glass down on the table. His mouth was red from the orange juice, an he looked at me an gasped, ‘All gone!'

I poured half from my glass an whispered te him, ‘Drink it slowly. If we make it last, we can stay here longer.' I didn't want this peace te end, I was thinkin te meself. I could see the crowds of people slowly passin up an down. Some stopped te look in the big plate-glass winda an then wander on, everyone enjoyin their Sunday outin.

Me elbow felt very stiff, an I stretched it te ease the soreness, then I felt the bleedin again. I pulled up the sleeve, an it was stuck te me arm. I gave it a little tug, an the blood started te flow again. Bloody hell, everyone is lookin. ‘Come on, Charlie, it's time te go!' I pushed back the chair an pulled down me sleeve.

‘Wha happened te yer arm?' the young waitress asked, pullin at me sleeve.

‘It's bleedin,' I said, tryin te pull me arm back.

‘Yeah! I can see tha, but how did ye do it?'

‘I fell an cut meself.'

‘Ye better go up te the hospital, tha's goin te need stitchin!'

‘Will I have te?'

‘Yeah! I think ye should, it won't stop bleedin otherwise.'

‘All right, then, I'll go.'

We walked te the end of O'Connell Street an up onta Parnell Square. Past the strollin crowds, some of them not likin the look of us an movin apart te give us room. I didn't like the feelin of standin out. I was not wearin me good shoes yet, or me lovely frock. I'd wanted te save them till me hair was curly. So now, wit me bare dirty feet covered in black crusty sores, not te mention me ma's scarf tha didn't really cover the pipe cleaners tha was stickin outa the front of me head like horns, I look like a right eejit! But now I didn't care about wantin te look lovely any more, not wit the weight in me chest over the Jackser fella comin back tomorrow. I rushed on, wantin now te get away from all these respectable people givin me funny looks. O'Connell Street on a lovely Sunday afternoon isn't the place fer the likes of me, not lookin like this anyway. I turned right onta Belvedere, passin the school an the Jesuits, thinkin of the priest who gave Jackser the half-crown an him findin the few cigarettes in the box on the doorstep at the same time. Puttin him in great form altogether. Then we turned left an crossed the road an went inta Temple Street Hospital.

There was no other patients, so the nurse came over te us straight away. ‘Right! Take off your cardigan, and we'll take a look. How did that happen?' the nurse asked, dabbin at me cut wit a big piece of cotton wool dipped in a tray of disinfectant. I said nothin. I was watchin her lookin hard at me arm, an likin the smell of disinfectant an all the other things they have fer makin ye well again. I watched her every movement as she pressed an dabbed an then dumped the dirty cotton wool in the big bin, an then dipped the steel thing wit the pointy fingers inta the disinfectant again an picked up more cotton wool. It was bleedin again, an she bent me arm an then straightened it again. It started te pour. She put a big piece of cotton wool on it an bent me arm. ‘Stay here, dear. I'll just get the doctor to take a look.' An off she went, through the door.