Magic and Mayhem: When You Witch Upon A Star (Kindle Worlds Novella) (10 page)

Chapter Nineteen

Y
ou never know what you’re capable of, or what your limits are, until you do something epically stupid. It’s true. Some people say necessity is the mother of invention—I say unfucking oneself is the mother of creative solutions.

For the record, I’m not a drinker. But the Limoncello had me happily buzzing. For good measure, I decided to have one more drink. The strong lemon scent reminded me too much of the furniture polish Nonna was so fond of. She applied it so liberally to her dining room set that you could slide a casserole dish from one end of the table to the other with just a push of your finger. The chairs didn’t escape her polishing, either. My sister and I would sometimes slip right off our chairs like eggs sliding out of a Teflon frying pan.

“Eww!” Pinching my nose didn’t help. My attempt at drunkenness was interrupted by Gina’s early arrival. “You’re home early. Where’s Old Faceful?”

“At his cousin’s. We went to see Guardians of the Galaxy at the budget cinema, then out of the blue he remembered he had to go help his cousin move something. If he gets done early enough he might come here.”

“I have no doubt he will come here! Ha!” The alcohol had turned me into a comedian, at least in my mind.

“Ain’t that the truth? Hey, have you been drinking? Without me?”

“Just a glass of that Limoncello I brought with me from home. I was going to have another but it’s too lemony for me. See for yourself.” The second I uncapped the bottle, an invisible lemon smashed its way into Gina’s nostrils.

“Jesus! You’re right. Have you ever thought about diluting it? It’s practically lemonade concentrate.”

“Go for it,” I replied.

After hunting through the cabinets for a large pitcher, she poured in a liter of Sprite and nearly half of the Limoncello. “Now for the test.” Squinting her eyes, her pursed lips drew a few drops off a spoon. “Amazing! It’s perfect.” She poured each of us a tall glass that we downed faster than our common sense should’ve allowed.

“Good call, Gina. My God, it’s just like lemonade! I can’t even tell there’s alcohol in it.”

We took our pitcher of Italian lemonade into the living room and dove uninhibited into the juiciest topics that only the best of friends could discuss.

“So Jessica, now that you’ve got your lover boy, do you ever wonder how he matches up to other guys? I mean, we don’t have a lot of data to go by.”

“No, I don’t think I’ve really given it much thought. Rollan hasn’t left me wanting anything more. It’s been fantastic.”

“Lucky you.” Gina took another drink and leaned back, staring pensively at the ceiling. “Damn. I need a guy that looks like Greg but fucks like Rollan,” she said, completely serious.

I was right in the middle of taking a drink when she made the comment. I was caught totally off guard. A mouthful of lemon booze sprayed from my mouth and I rolled onto my side, laughing until my sides hurt. Gina joined in the laughter, but I think she was laughing at me and not at her comment.

“Oh, Gina!” I squeaked, gasping for air. “Should I ask Rollan to give Greg some pointers? Or are you going to stick to your plan? By the way, what exactly are you planning to do?”

“The plan is to train him to delay his eruption. I read an article written by an expert in this sort of stuff. I have to tie his hands and legs to the bedposts, so he’s lying on his back all spread out. Naked, of course. Then I get him excited. As soon as he tells me he’s getting close to popping…” Gina startled me with a loud clap of her hands. “I smack his pecker with a leather strap.”

“Holy Christ!” My brain conjured up images of medieval torture chambers.

“Then we start all over. Hopefully it takes him longer and longer to get that feeling. Eventually he can control himself. Only… I don’t know if I can really go through with it. It’s one thing to read about, but actually hurting him? That’s something I can’t do. I just don’t think I have it in me, Jessica.”

“You better not! You would put that poor boy in the hospital or the nuthouse! Besides, I can’t imagine anyone agreeing to be tortured.”

“Yeah, I know. I won’t even bring it up with him. I guess we’re just not compatible in that way. Eventually I’ll find someone for me.” Gina took another sip. “I wish the pickings weren’t so slim here.”

I was beyond buzzed by that point. I was just drunk enough to come up with a crazy idea. “Remember when I told you about my cousin’s friend, Ezzy?”

“Yeah, that witch. Why?”

“I’ve been told she has her own sex therapy business. Kinky Hex, I think that’s what she calls it. I wonder…maybe she could teach me a spell we could use on Greg! Hell, I’m supposed to be a witch, I ought to be able to act like one. And anyway, those witches are supposed to be teaching me about witchcraft. I say they’ve been slacking in their responsibilities.” I refilled our glasses and took another drink. “Hey, Esmeralda! You guys are slackers!”

“Magic? Huh. It never crossed my mind, but it should have. Those witchdoctors I told you about spent a lot of time helping people with sex and fertility.” Gina stood up, gathering her composure. Stumbling across the room, she forced out a loud whisper, “You should check out all the cool gifts those guys gave to my parents over the years.”

Gina knelt down by an antique steamer trunk she used for storing afghans, blankets, and throw pillows. “Come here.” She beckoned me over with an excited wave of her hand. Tiago appeared out of nowhere, perching on the edge of the trunk’s opened lid, curious to see what lay inside.

Kneeling down beside her, I helped remove the items until the chest was empty. “Are you sure they were in here?”

“Wait for it.” Gina worked her fingers along the edge of the bottom panel and lifted it out. “Ta da!”

Deep inside the trunk, I saw a dark jumbled mass of magic items. Some seemed to be carved wooden figures, others fashioned from bone. Most were adorned with either feathers, fur, or hair. “Wow. There’s some weird stuff in there. Why did your parents hide them?”

“They didn’t hide this stuff to keep it from being found. They hid these items because they were spooked by them. Like maybe this stuff was full of black magic. And they couldn’t just throw them away. That would really piss off the spirits.” Gina dug through the oddities and lifted out a dark red stick. It was about a foot long and as big around as my pinky.

Tiago, rocking from side to side, softly sang “Black Magic Woman.”

I guessed it was a wand. “Hey! That looks more realistic than my lame training wand.”

“Hoooold on, Jessica. You’ve got a wand and didn’t tell me?”

“Training wand. You found it when we were unpacking my things. It looks like a goddamned vibrator. Of course I’m not proud of it. The next time I see Kelly, I’m going to ask for one that I won’t be ashamed of.”

“Hah! You mean your wand is the Ten Speed Impaler? I bought the same one online a couple of months ago. It was highly recommended in February’s issue, ‘Flying Solo on Valentine’s Day.’ I haven’t even touched the thing.  Seriously, it could damage me. Are you sure there wasn’t a mix-up? I mean, come on. A vibrator training wand?”

“Damn! I bet Ezzy was pranking me. Tiago, would you please fly up to my closet and get my training wand?”

“Squawk!” Tiago zoomed upstairs.

“Anyway, Jessica. Back to this. It’s not a magic wand at all, it’s a tiny blowgun. Look through the end of it,” she said, pointing it at me. “It’s hollow, like a straw. I’ve seen a shaman use this. Instead of loading it with a dart, he put a magic powder in it and…” She blew a puff of air through the tube. “Poof! He sprays the stuff on his victim, or patient. Of course, the powder could just as well have been a drug, but I like to think it was a magic potion.”

“Sorry, Gina. I’m fresh out of magical male enhancement powders,” I quipped.

Thumping noises caught our attention. Looking through the living room door, we saw my training wand case tumbling down the stairs. Tiago met it at the last step and dragged it over to me.

I removed my wand. Holding it between us, I asked, “How about we try it out?”

“Whoa! I might need to finish off that pitcher if you want to dabble in that sort of fun,” Gina joked.

“Ha! Now, Ezzy told me I was only supposed to use this for self-defense. But how can I? I don’t have any faith that it’s even the real thing! The only way to know for sure is to try it.”

“Do you know how to make it work?”

“Ezzy told me to just follow the instructions printed on it.” I squinted, trying my best to focus. “I can read it, barely. The ink is smudgy. Setting one is shock, setting two is awe, and three is harder to read. I think it says family. The rest of the settings I can’t make out at all.”

“Try one of them,” Gina said, finishing her drink. “Just so you know, I’m officially fucked up now. Maybe you shouldn’t listen to me.” She hung her head over the trunk and went back to digging through her parents’ curiosities.

“I’ll try family. Maybe I can call Nonna!” Twisting the knob on the end until the number three was visible, I pointed the humming wand at the other side of the room. I was drunk and feeling playful. “Setting three! Powers that be, I call on thee. Bring forth my family, one that’s free!”

“Pretty good improv on that spell, Jessica.”

A flash of purple lightning temporarily blinded us. Gina’s eyes adjusted before mine. “Um, Jessica? Why is there a black cat staring at me?”

I rubbed my eyes and looked closely. “Which one? I see two of them.”

Gina plopped gracefully onto the floor.

“Gina? Are you sure that witchdoctor blowgun wasn’t loaded with angel dust?”

A second lightning bolt flashed; this time it was green. Unlike the first flash of lightning, the second one left a green mist that quickly dissipated. A red-haired woman in a body-squeezing leather corset and high-heeled boots cracked a riding crop across her open palm.

“Hello ladies. Having some drinks and a little fun this evening?”

“Esmeralda?”

Chapter Twenty

“W
hy-wha-what are you doing here?” My shaky voice left no doubt—I was worried.

“What kind of welcome is that? Calm down, Jessica. I’m not here on Union business.”

“Uh, okay. How have you been?”

Ezzy strolled slowly around us, tracing her riding crop over the antique trunk. Peering inside, she continued with her slightly condescending speech. “Great. Orgasmic actually. I just finished with a few new clients when my ears started ringing. I said to myself, ‘That sounds like Jessica! It seems she’s been playing with her wand. In fact, she’s calling out for her familiar. I sure hope she’s okay.’ So I came as fast as I could, and then I traveled here.” She winked at her little play on words. “Besides, what kind of a mentor would I be if I failed to help an apprentice witch in need?”

Gina sat on the floor, her empty glass still in her hand. I swear her eyeballs bugged out so far I thought they were going to push the glasses off her face.

Ezzy lightly ran the tip of her little whip along Gina’s thigh, around her back, and up under her hair. She lifted Gina’s soft blond hair, revealing her neck. “You haven’t introduced me to this scrumptious pixie. You know, Jessica, hors d'oeuvres are meant to be shared with your guests.”

Gina’s trembling hand held her glass out toward me, silently asking for a refill. I quickly obliged. Ezzy stood behind Gina and faced me, while running her fingers through Gina’s hair. “I frickin’ love this girl’s hair. Hmm, interesting.”

My heart pounded as I remembered something Randy had once told me: Ezzy could read minds. All she had to do was touch someone’s hair. She couldn’t control someone else’s brain, but she could inject bits of emotions and little visual snippets. I had no doubt she was doing all of those things to my friend.

Gina suddenly blushed. Not just flushed cheeks, either—I mean it was like a stoplight that just turned red. “Oh. Oh. My,” Gina stuttered and gulped down her drink. If she hadn’t been drunk before, she was sloshed now. She started to pant and squeezed her eyelids shut as hard as she could. “I think… oh God… I just… oh my God. I never…” she mumbled.

“So you’re Gina. Wasn’t that a fun little way to say hi, Gina?” Ezzy didn’t wait for a response, which was fine, because Gina looked like she was wasted. “Did you girls meet the cats? Gertie was supposed to send them weeks ago, but you know her. Jessica, this one with the star on her collar is Penelope. She’s your familiar. The other one, with the moon on her collar, is Zoey. Zoey is Gina’s familiar.”

“Hold on, Ezzy. Gina’s not a witch.”

“Where’s that bird of yours? Tiago?”

“Squawk!”

“Tiago, I’m going to give you a gift.” Ezzy blew him a kiss. “You can now add the ability to recreate symphony music to your musical repertoire. Now be a dear and play something dramatic and suspenseful.
Carnival of the Animals: Aquarium
would be nice. Keep it low.”

Tiago threw his beak back and replicated a symphony playing the classical music Ezzy had requested.

“Jessica, some time ago we learned you were born to be a witch. Marie Laveau directed that you wouldn’t receive any training until you’d had a few months working at the Union office in New Orleans. But then some new information came in. We found out about another young lady who was born to be a witch—Gina. Poor girl, living among non-Union witches. Imagine our horror at the thought they might discover her!”

Ezzy plucked a nail file from her bag, continuing her story while she buffed each of her pristine nails. “When Kelly found out you were interested in exploring the worlds of love, sex, and the paranormal, we decided to point you in Gina’s direction in the hopes you two would come of age together, to form an unbreakable bond. The kind of bond that can only grow between two novice witches. Surely she’d discover her powers and the two of you would come to New Orleans together. Now, just because I broke the rules to come tell you this, it doesn’t change the plan. It just seemed like you two were taking too long to figure out that Gina was born to be a witch.”

Gina tried to stand up. “Hell yeah! Imma gonna be a witch with you, Jessica!” She landed right back on her butt.

Esmerelda turned her gaze to me. “Meanwhile, Jessica, there is the matter of your French fairy.”

“What do you know about Rollan? Is he another part of your manipulative Union plan?”

“Not at all, but I’ve heard about how he’s latched on to you. I bet he told you he had to mate with a witch to save his race?”

“Yes! You said that like he’s lying to me. Is he?”

“Well, not intentionally. They do need to mate with witches but they are hardly endangered. The thing is, they don’t know it. When a baby is conceived and born between two fairies, they often drop the baby off with a form letter they’ve used for centuries. Mated fairies are shitty parents. That’s why they want their babies to grow up and mate with a witch. It makes them good fairies. So Rollan isn’t lying, but he’s caught up in a ruse. A good ruse, I suppose, but a trick all the same.”

“Holy pixie dust. What magic power do French fairies have anyway?”

“Dear, you already know the answer. That thing they do with their tongue? Or how they can fuck like a satyr on Viagra? Or how they taste like a caramel sundae instead of a shot of stale seawater? Just keep up with him and you’ll not regret it. I had one once, I just got tired of his doting—poems, flowers. My goddess! My black heart couldn’t stand it.”

“Caramel sundae? Really? I hereby protest! Let me tell you, you do not want to know the nasty-tasting goo I’ve had shot at me. And mine fucks like a rabbit on speed. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.” Gina waved her drunk-girl finger at Ezzy. “Your little mindfuck was better than his real thing. Why do you think we’re fingering… fluggering… trying to make magic work? I want to turn my man into a damn prom… prawn… porn star.”

“You’re talking to the right witch. By the way, is that his old truck I hear?”

“Probably is by now,” Gina said.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll lay a spell on your boy that will give him nearly the same skills as Jessica’s fairy. But it’ll cost you.”

“Anything!” Gina agreed.

“I want those magical items of yours. The whole pile.”

“They’re yours! My parents only kept them because they didn’t want to offend the spirits by throwing them away.”

Ezzy pulled back the curtain and unsheathed the emerald green wand she kept hidden in the riding crop. “Gina! Does he need a bigger dick too?”

“I guess not. It’s about six inches, I guess. I’m fine with that.”

“Good for you. Some women want the monster size, until they find out it’s like getting smacked in the cervix with a goddamned pineapple, repeatedly.”

She murmured her spell, pointing the wand at Greg as stepped out of his truck and walked toward the door. “It’s done. Prepare for some kick-ass sex. I even threw in the caramel sundae flavoring, free of charge. This spell will wear off at the end of summer. After that, you’re on your own. Best if we keep my visit here a secret. Hopefully, I’ll see you both in New Orleans later this year.”

Ezzy zapped the contents of the chest and they were on their way, presumably back to her lair. Another flash of green lighting shot through the air, and Ezzy was gone—leaving the two black cats behind. Gina scooped up the one Ezzy’d said was named Zoey.

“Well, Gina, sounds like we’ve got a lot more fun ahead if we decide to go to basic witch training together. What do you think?”

“Ezzy made my day, my year! Of course I will. But, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a caramel sundae-flavored stud waiting at the door and he’s bringing a whole new set of skills. You may want to stay upstairs. It’s about to get noisy down in my room.” She kissed Zoey on top of her head and handed her to me. “Would you mind taking her up with Penelope?”

I could see that, even in such a short amount of time, Gina had bonded with Zoey as I had with Penelope. It’s funny how these particular cats were so much different than other cats I’d met. I had to wonder if they went through some sort of familiar apprenticeship or training.

“Sure. I’ll call Rollan and ask him to pick up a few cat supplies if he can make it out to Walmart. Have fun with Greg!”

I picked up a cat under each arm. Barely halfway up the steps, I looked back and saw Greg carrying Gina to her room.

I let the cats down in my room and called Rollan. Somehow I managed to convince him that my situation was desperate enough, and he left work early to get the cat supplies. When he showed up, I rushed him up to my room.

“What’s going on downstairs? It sounds like Gina’s having her room remodeled.” 

“That’s the sound of Gina’s headboard hitting the wall and I don’t know what else. I guess Greg finally found his mojo. They’ve been going at it for nearly an hour.”

I told him all about Ezzy’s visit, including the discovery of Gina’s magical birthright and the cats who were our familiars. I left out the information I’d learned about the French Fairies. I thought it would be devastating to him to learn the truth. Nobody wants to find out they were abandoned by bad parents.

It was time to address the elephant in the room.

“You know I’m leaving here at the end of summer. We haven’t talked about this mating thing much but I have to be honest. I have this feeling, this new feeling in my heart…”

“I love you.” Rollan finished my sentence.

“Yes, that is what I was going to say, but you kind of spoiled the moment.”

“No, I mean I love you.
I
love
you
. I am not saying we have to agree to a lifelong commitment. I just want to enjoy being in love with you. I want to travel, too. Why don’t we leave together? You can chase monsters and I can paint their portraits. Let’s live our adventure at each other’s sides. Mating is just a word. I don’t even know what it means. Loving you is enough. Who knows where it will take us?”

Rollan had to stop talking, because Gina was at the point of shouting some very obscene words in between screams and the constant pounding sounds.

I had one desire: Rollan. “Tiago, would you please give us some accompaniment? Start with Ravel’s
Bolero
. Play it as loud as you can. Rollan, show me your fairy magic.” Our lips met just as Tiago sang out, sounding like a complete orchestra.