Magic and Mayhem: When You Witch Upon A Star (Kindle Worlds Novella) (5 page)

Chapter Eight

D
ee Dee touched my forehead with the palm of her hand, checking for a fever. “Jessica, you’re doing that thing again. Are you sure everything’s all right?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. The way that boy…”

“Oh! I see.” Dee Dee winked. “Let me introduce you to Gina. You’ll both be working the same schedule. How about you just take a seat at one of the booths and I’ll send her over.”

Tiago and I took a seat at the nearest booth. “You were a very good boy. Keep it up and I’ll buy you some fresh grapes.”

We were both surprised when a blonde pixie of a girl suddenly slid into the seat opposite us. Her blue eyes sparkled from behind her gold wire frame glasses. “Hi Jessica. I’m Gina. Dee Dee says you’ll be on in the mornings with me. Is that a for sure thing?”

“Yep. I start tomorrow.”

Gina reached across the table, grabbing my hands. “Thank you! I’ve been waiting for some help. It’s not that I minded the tips but I’ve been running my ass off. Unfortunately, I don’t have any ass to spare. Dee Dee said you were working at a diner in Chicago so I’m going to assume you’d be able to handle this job in your sleep.” She still had me by the hands as she put her head down on the table, sighing loudly. “Thank you,” she squeaked.

Excitement and relief practically bubbled out of her and I couldn’t help but laugh. Then Gina laughed, until Tiago opened his dirty beak. “Hey, pretty baby, I crossed a rooster with an owl. You should come over and check it out, you won’t be disappointed. Wanna guess what it is?”

“Ugh. Damn chicken farmers,” Gina mumbled. “I don’t know. Just tell me.”

“A cock that stays up all night.”

Gina sat straight up. “All right. Who said that? One of those fracking crew smartasses in the corner, I bet.”

“Say goodbye to those fresh grapes, potty-beak.”

“Squawk!” Tiago hopped from the seat, landing face-to-face with Gina. A little shudder alerted me. Tiago was about to recite one of his limericks.

“There once was a girl from the circus,

Who often came round just to jerk us

When she jacked off a clown

He frosted her crown

Now his frown’s turned round and she’s nervous.”

His recital of obscene poetry complete, he took a bow and flew onto Gina’s shoulder.

I was mortified, just completely embarrassed by that bird. My face flushed from fire-engine red to monkey’s-ass scarlet and every shade in between. “I am so sorry. You have to excuse his poor training. He used to live with a drunken circus clown. Sometimes Tiago can’t help acting like a dirty old man.”

Once Gina realized I had such a uniquely talented parrot, she laughed herself into full-blown snort mode.

“Oh my God, this little guy is so smart! What else does he do?”

“Well, he loves to sing. He’s listened to a lot of radio over the years and I don’t think there’s a song he doesn’t know. He’s also watched a lot of porn, apparently. He can mimic the sounds of both men and women in the throes of passion and he has no qualms about performing in public. Other than that, he basically learns words or phrases and repeats them as he pleases.”

“You and I are going to be great friends, Tiago.” Gina stroked the top of his head with her finger. “So, Jessica, I have to ask you something. What in the blue blazes made you decide to come to this corner of nowhere? Are you running from someone? A man? The law?”

“No. I’m not running or hiding. I just wanted to spend a summer away from the city and get a little closer to nature. I also like photography and birds, so this seems like a good place. The icing on the cake would be to meet a guy for a little romance.”

“Sounds fun. Personally, I would’ve headed for a beach in Florida, but I’m glad you’re here. Where are you staying?”

“Right now I’m staying at the Evergreen Motel. It’s out by the highway.”

“Eww. I drive past there to come to work. We’ve got to get you out of there. That place has a reputation for sleaze and bedbugs.”

“I was planning on looking for a place today.”

“Look no further, Jessica! I live in Gooseberry Corners. It’s only five miles away. We have a big farmhouse and my parents are gone for the summer. They wanted to enjoy their retirement, so they bought a giant RV and took off to see every state in the country. There’s more than enough room and I won’t even ask for rent. Sorry if I sound desperate, but living by myself in that big house makes me feel lonely. What do you say?”

“Wow! Are you sure? And it’s close to here?”

“Of course I’m sure. And it’s just far enough away that the people in this place think I’m an outsider. At least that’s how they treat me. They’re kind of weird here.”

I made a mental note about what Gina said. If this town was, in fact, loaded with Shifters and witches, their behavior towards her meant she was a mere mortal human. I was convinced the Shifters in Assjacket hid in plain sight by portraying themselves as perfectly normal people.

“You can show it to me right after you get off work, Gina.”

“That would be in a half hour.”

“Then I’ll go back to the Evergreen, pack myself up, and check out. I’ll meet you back here.”

“Sounds great. If you don’t like the place you can always go back. No hard feelings, okay?”

My thoughts about Gina’s house were put on hold when I spotted Rollan heading for the front door. Suddenly, he turned his head and smiled at me, nodding once. I was certain he felt my eyes peeling his shirt off and unzipping his jeans.

I spotted something on his arm, a clue: a scabbed over scrape on his elbow and another on the back of his forearm. They seemed like the sort of scrapes a raccoon Shifter could have received from being hit by a 1983 Chevy Suburban.

“Jessica? You okay? You look like your face is frozen. What are you staring at?” Gina turned around on the seat and pulled herself over the back of the booth like a curious kid.

“That. Right there. I’m staring at that delicious hunk of sex on legs.”

“Really? Where?” Gina said, her head moving left and right.

“I’m talking about Rollan.”

“Rollan? Really?”

“Yes. I desperately need you to tell me everything about him.”

“There’s not much to say about Rollan. He showed up about two weeks ago. He’s a foreign guy, from France I think. Or is it Brazil? No, I think someone told me he was from New Guinea. Oh hell, I don’t know. He’s never said much to me, but even if he did I probably wouldn’t understand him. He has a very strong accent. That’s one thing I know. He’s all like ‘blue, doo, boo.’ One time he ate breakfast here and ordered a cheese omelet. He said ‘oom oh lay doo fro maj’ and pointed at the cheese omelet on the menu. One of those frackers started giving him hell about how he should be speaking American, calling the omelet an all-American food.”

“Did they fight?”

“No, Rollan just kept saying ‘oom oh lay, oom oh lay’ and redneck boy was saying ‘om let, om let.’ It was really something silly to watch.”

“Well, Dee Dee did tell me that Rollan is from France, and omelet is actually a French word.”

“Really, Jessica? Then the fracker was trying to tell a French guy how to say an American word which is really a French word, and to say it wrong! Isn’t that, like, ironic or something? Or maybe it’s just stupid.”

“Stupid!” Tiago squawked.

“Anyway, what else can I tell you about Rollan? Well, he is very polite. He has perfect skin and he must spend a lot of time on his hair. But he just doesn’t do it for me. Not at all. He’s wide at the shoulders, but his body tapers down to a thin waist. He’s got a cute ass, don’t get me wrong—but there’s not enough of it. I need more.” Gina reclined on the bench seat, lifting her knees. “See, I got to have some of this.” She spread her knees and held her arms out, like she was clutching the thrusting ass of an extra-large invisible lover.

“I want a cowboy. I want a biker. I want a big meaty man with tats, Jessica. I want to flip him over on his back and ride him like he’s a cheap carnival ride and I’ve got a fistful of tickets. Hell, I’ve got an entire section of my brain devoted to storing the fantasies of my perfect lovers. Sorry, Rollan’s way too pretty to fill any of those roles for me.”

“Jesus! I guess I don’t have much experience in that department.”

“Neither does my body. But my brain has been a busy little slut!”

“Ha! I know exactly what you mean, Gina.” After my confession, we laughed ourselves to tears. Even Tiago joined in.

Chapter Nine

T
he shrinking reflection of the ugly Evergreen Motel in my rearview mirror was a wonderful sight to behold. I hoped to never see its faded paneling and orange shag carpets again.

Gina’s offer was nearly perfect for me, although I would need to be extra careful not to reveal my true purpose in moving to West Virginia. I’d already blabbered on and misled her. That made me a liar, no two ways about it. The thought soured my stomach.

“She is so sweet. What will happen if one day she finds out? Her offer was based on everything we talked about today. I feel like a fraud.”

“Liar, liar,” Tiago squawked.

“I can’t tell Dee Dee, Wanda, Rollan, or anyone in town. I might as well go back to Chicago. If I could be certain that Gina had no ties to the paranormals in town, I’d tell her everything. What should I do? Try to keep it hidden or just take a chance and tell her?”

When I returned to the diner, Gina was leaning against a tiny orange Smartcar, waiting for me.

“Do you want to put your car in the back of my Suburban?” I shouted, but I was actually embarrassed to be driving my pollutant-belching monster. Gina smiled at my poor attempt at a joke.

Then it struck me: A witch wouldn’t drive a Smartcar! Half the witches I know don’t need a car at all, and the ones that
do
own a car wouldn’t be caught dead in a Smartcar. Take my cousin, Kelly, for example: She owns an expensive sports car. There was no way Gina was one of the witches I’d been warned about. She couldn’t be a Shifter either. Otherwise, she would never live outside the town, by herself. The rumor was that all witches and Shifters lived inside the Assjacket city limits.

“Just follow me, Jessica.”

The drive only took a few minutes. You really couldn’t miss the two-story farmhouse. It was huge and it was yellow, exactly as Gina described. The yard was spacious and shaded by many large trees. Most of the land nearby was wooded or open pastures.

“Wow, Gina! This is nice. But I can see how you’d feel lonely out here.”

“I manage, but I’ll feel more relaxed with some human interaction around here.”

“Speaking of human interaction, there’s something I want to tell you, now that we’re out of town.”

“Okay, here it comes. Federal marshals are hunting you.”

“No. Here, take a look at something.” I opened the back of the Suburban. “See these waterproof cases? I’ve got equipment in here that I plan to use to discover legendary creatures that have eluded science for centuries.”

“Legendary creatures? You’re talking about Bigfoot, right?”

“Yes, sometimes. But I came here to find a Shifter. I have good information that Assjacket is practically infested with Shifters. Everything else I told you at the diner is true. I just couldn’t speak about my quest in that town in case someone or something with extraordinary hearing picked up on it. I’m sorry if I seem dishonest. I hope you understand.”

“Whew! Thank God. Earlier I was afraid you were going to tell me you were a serial killer. When you showed me those trunks I guessed you were hauling a mobile meth lab. If you’re just into hunting for Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and werewolves—I can live with that! I’ll even help if you let me.”

“Really? You’d like to help? Because that would make it awesome.”

“Why not? I believe in Bigfoot, but to be honest I think the legends about Shifters have some sketchy sources. It seems biologically impossible.”

“No, Gina. Believe in them.” I sounded pretty damn preachy, even to myself. “Nature is filled with Shifters. Take the butterfly. She starts out as a caterpillar, and shifts into a beautiful butterfly. The radical transformation of a living creature is a proven fact.”

Gina shook her head and smiled. “Okay, that’s pretty good. It’s quite a stretch, though, from butterflies to werewolves, but I get what you’re saying. You’re still going to be hunting for a guy, I hope?”

“Of course. I suggest we work together so we can both get one.”

“Teamwork! I like it!” Gina high-fived me and we unloaded the Suburban before I even peeked in the house.

You know, when you meet someone you really click with, you don’t question it. You just go along for the ride, curious to see where it’ll take you. We were both that sure of our compatibility.

It wasn’t long before my luggage formed a little mountain in the living room. The house was comfortable and loaded with country-life flair, right down to the blue-and-white goose-themed wallpaper in the kitchen.

Tiago took to the air, disappearing around the corner. I knew he was making a mental map of the house as he identified ideal roosting spots.

I stood in front of the fireplace, eyeing the mantle, which displayed framed family photographs of Gina with her parents. She was lucky to have grown up in a nice, stable environment.

“Ugh! I was going to tell you. Honestly.”

“What?” I squinted at the various photos. Then I realized they all showed a tropical background.

“So, my parents aren’t touring the country in a fancy RV. They’re off on another mission.”

“They’re missionaries.”

“Yep. The sad truth is I grew up being dragged every few years from one third-world hell-hole to the next. My mom homeschooled me. Once I hit my twenty-first birthday I told them I was done with it. I need to feel like a normal young woman, whatever that means.”

“Oh my God, it’s like we’re soulmates. I grew up traveling with the circus. My mom was a knife-thrower and she homeschooled me. I don’t remember my dad. He was a sword-swallower. He got the hiccups during a performance and I don’t have to tell you how that turned out.”

“God… just when you think you’re the only one with a weird family.”

“Missionaries can’t be too weird.”

“They are when they’re missionaries for the Church of the Venusian People. About a year ago my parents watched a TV show about how aliens from Venus are walking among us, and they became convinced they were both from Venus. Next thing you know they’re off to South America spreading the word about how they plan to take the worthy ones back to Venus in five years.”

“Okay, you’re right. Weird.”

“I know, right? For ten years before that, they were missionaries for the Tree Spirit Unified Church. You know, they hug trees and feel the vibes. Usually they break down in tears because the trees tell them something sad or hurtful. Basically they’re nuts. This house was my grandma’s. I stay here because it’s normal. It’s not a hut, or a teepee, or a fucking yurt.”

“It’s a great place. Guess what, Gina? I live with my grandma. It beats living out of a forty-year-old camper towed by the ugly Suburban.”

“See? We are soul-friends. Now let me show you your room and the rest of the house.”

Once I learned this had been Gina’s grandma’s house, I understood the somewhat dated décor. But it worked—it felt cozy.  My room was just a few steps from the top of the stairs. Gina scavenged furniture from two other upstairs rooms, adding an extra nightstand and the all-important desk.

Not only had I found the perfect place to live and a job, I’d found someone who would be both a friend and an investigative partner. As if by magic, everything seemed to be headed in the right direction.