Magic and Mayhem: When You Witch Upon A Star (Kindle Worlds Novella) (2 page)

Chapter Three

“K
elly, you know I spent years searching for Bigfoot, and it’s been nothing but bumbling around from one crazy mishap to another. Along the way, I’ve found meth labs, tree-hugging hippies, moonshiners, pot farmers, and junked cars.”

I wondered if she’d anticipated my interrogation when I’d invited her to lunch at Sammy’s Cicero Diner.

She just yawned, obviously not impressed by my feeble mortal attempts to find cryptids. “Meh.”

Looked like I needed to kick it up a notch. I used to be good at serving up a side of guilt with my mom’s dinner. Maybe it would work with Kelly as well? Time to lay it on thick.

“Let me tell you, Kelly, I’ve even stumbled on a nudist campground for the freaking elderly. Gah! The saggy horrors that were inflicted upon my young virgin eyes. And this one time, I was chased out of a park.”

Her stoic face said it all: not impressed.

“By rock-throwing Furries! Furries, Kell! Throwing rocks, goddamn it!” I sprinkled a little intrigue over my comments by adding, “But that’s all I’m going to say about what I saw going down that night.”

Kelly’s eyebrows twitched like she had a muscle spasm of the forehead. Yahtzee! I had her. Go figure, it had to be the Furries that sparked her interest. That’s my cousin.

“Okay, okay, Jessica. I know what you want to hear from me. Something about a certain werebear?” Laughter took away her words. “But I’ve got to hear about your Furry experience. That’s awesome! How did that come about? What costume did you wear? You have to tell me everything before I tell you what you want to hear.”

I’d fully expected Kelly’s quid pro quo offer. When you’re in the Franchetti family, extortion comes second nature, I guess. Our Christmas dinner is like a mob sit-down. Deals are worked out, promises made, secrets shared and loyalties tested.

“Deal, Kell. But when you tell me about your werebear, I demand explicit details.” Kelly nodded. “So, one Friday night I was over in Garfield Park checking out my new night-vision gear.”

“At night? That’s crazy dangerous, Jessica.”

“Come on, Kelly. We’re Uncle Carmine’s nieces. You think I’d get to prowl the city parks at night without The Crew shadowing me? Not a chance.”

The Crew consists of our loveable Uncle Carmine and his retired pals, Hamster Dick and Johnny Nipples. Johnny and Hamster are just as much a part of our giant Italian family as if they’d been born into it. And there’s a rumor that they very well might’ve been.

All three of them, fiercely loyal and bored, jumped at any chance to stretch their muscles around the city. The Crew, as we called them, took it upon themselves to be the bodyguards of Carmine’s nieces and grandnieces. Any job was a welcome break from shuffleboard and strip bingo at the senior center.

“Good. Always have protection, day or night. No matter where you are. Louisiana has those alligator-infested bayous, Florida has shark attacks, and Chicago… you know how dangerous it can be here. Now, go on. Tell the story.”

“There’s not much to it, now that I think of it. I surprised a blue fuzzy fox giving oral sex to a raccoon dressed up like one of the Three Musketeers. With my night vision, they appeared to be real, giant animals that mixed English words in between animal-like grunts and moans.

“This was a huge break for me, or so I thought. I was like, ‘Yes! Chalk up one major cryptid discovery for me!’ Think about it from my perspective. I’d just found a population of mutant mammals performing human sex acts, and even making crude attempts at human speech! I’d be famous! I’m a professional, of course. I followed my handbook’s guidelines—never disturb a cryptid in its natural environment. I snuck up as close as I could to the heavy-breathing humpers to record a video of them under infrared light. My dreams were shattered by a fuzzy unicorn hoof on my shoulder. ‘Gotcha!’ I suddenly felt deflated when I heard an ordinary, nondescript male voice. ‘You’re the one who’s been recording our private moments and uploading them to porn sites!’

“That’s when I realized these were no supernatural beings, they were just a bunch of perverted freaks in the park and it was just another Friday night in Chicago. So I ran out of there as fast as I could, a fuzzy menagerie of pissed-off Furries in hot pursuit. The end.”

“What? That’s it? That’s what you couldn’t talk about? Come on! I expected you to tell me an elaborate tale of being swept away into a Furry orgy, or something embarrassingly juicy. Not a lame half-assed story. Boo! No deal.”

It was time to spring the trap on Kelly.

“Well, I suppose there is one more thing I should share with you. Something to do with certain video recordings and Furries. Hamster told me a little story about you and your friends dressing up in Furry costumes for Fur-Con last year. He showed me the security camera video. I’m even the proud owner of a limited edition copy!”

She had taken the bait. The look on her face was priceless. Time to throw all my cards on the table.

“It would be a real shame if it showed up on Grandma’s TV over Christmas. You know how we’re all forced to watch when everyone shares their family videos? Yep. One minute we’ll be watching Aunt Stella’s trip to the Mall of America and then… boom! Hey, isn’t that you, Kelly? Why are you and that boy dressed up as ponies? And who’s that woman in leather, with the riding crop? Oh, baby. It would be a riot.”

Boom! That’s how it’s done in the Franchetti family.

“Whoa, Jessica! One time. I dressed for Fur-Con one time, but I was
not
a pony. It was for official witch business and semi-official Chicago Police business. And one time, just once, I dressed up like a pony because Esmeralda talked me and this guy, Luke, into being her pet ponies for a night. I was going through an experimental phase. Last time I checked this was still a free country.”

Kelly paused, knowing I had her—and by the look on her face she knew she had just inadvertently given me more ammunition. “Okay, fine. I’ll tell you what I’m allowed to say. I have to keep some of it a secret to protect Gabe and his relatives from being outed.”

“Is that your werebear’s name? Gabe?”

“Yep.” Kelly’s eyes sparkled and her face flushed red. “I can’t tell you where he lives. He has a normal full-time human job. He has his own human house and he sometimes shifts into bear form. He’s absolutely adorable and the sexiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“Do you guys do it when he’s a bear?”

“Jesus, Jessica! No! Absolutely not!” Kelly looked at me like I’d just puked on the floor. “That’s beastiality! Disgusting.”

“Just curious.”

“You’re too much, really. For your information, sex with human-form Gabe is mind-blowingly fantastic. Therefore, I have no desire to think of his bear form in… that manner.”

“Kelly, please? Tell me where he lives. I really need to go visit with him and especially more of his kind. There must be other male members of his clan, or pack or whatever werebears belong to. I need to study them. I need to document the fact that Shifters are real! I’m ready for the next thing on my list, Shifters. But tell Gabe they have to be good-looking guys my age. I don’t want to be hanging out with Smokey Bear or Yogi.”

I wished I could reel my words back in. My mouth hung open and I gasped like a fish who had been tossed up on the beach. Could I have sounded any more desperate? Not to mention unprofessional.

“Seriously, Jessica? You want to study them? I bet! In other words, you want Gabe to hook you up with a Shifter who just so happens to be dateable. Ha! The only subjects you plan to study are anatomy and biology.”

“Oh, God. I sounded that bad, didn’t I?”

“I’m sorry, Jessica. I can’t give you any more information. Hopefully you’ll get a chance to meet Gabe one day but that’s as much as I can tell you. You have to understand something: He’s not a wild animal to be studied. Imagine how his life would be ruined by throwing a spotlight on him.”

“Damn it,” I whispered. She was right. I didn’t want to destroy his life.

“Sorry. There’s something else you need to be aware of. The Witches Union has strict rules about getting involved with Shifters. We’re allowed to use them for sexual pleasure, but under no circumstances are we allowed to have any level of relationship with a Shifter. As for Gabe and me, they pressed charges on me. If it wasn’t for Marie Laveau’s intervention I wouldn’t be sitting here today, let alone having a full-on relationship with Gabe.”

“It’s all right, Kelly. I understand. I’m already sworn to secrecy about Gertie’s plantation for paranormal creatures. I should’ve known you wouldn’t let me in on your Shifter clan. How can a waitress like me ever catch a break and go down in cryptozoology history?”  I’d almost said ‘catch a break and get laid.’

“Listen, I don’t know if there’s anything to this, but one time I was down in New Orleans at the Witches Union office. I overheard Marie Laveau and Esmeralda talking about other witches—non-Union witches. And you’ll never guess what else: Shifters. All kinds. They all live in some town in West Virginia.”

“Huh. West Virginia? I can’t seem to place it.” Kelly understood my lack of geography skills. I was homeschooled, sort of. Geography had consisted of a half-assed attempt to complete a jigsaw puzzle of the United States—which was missing twenty-three pieces.

“Um, Jessica. It’s west of Virginia.”

I already had a map up on my smartphone. “Not really. See?” I held up the screen to her face. “Oh sure, if you live up here in the northern part of Virginia, you get to call it West Virginia. But what if you’re one of these people, under it? They could call it North Virginia. What’s up, West Virginia? Think you’re too good to be part of Virginia?”

Then I realized something strange had just happened. The diner was completely silent. My eyes darted around the room and sure enough, everyone was frozen in place.

A sudden thunderclap scared the bejesus out of me. Out of a swirling green mist, a tall, leather-clad woman appeared. She waved off the remaining mist by tapping the air with a slender emerald wand. She leaned over and a lock of her long red hair fell like a veil over Kelly as she greeted her with a kiss.

The stranger gently touched my face with the palm of her hand. “Well, well. Look what’s on the lunch menu for today. Italian. Don’t mind if I do.”

“Jessica, you remember my friend, Esmeralda.”

“Yeah, of course I remember Ezzy.”

“I don’t know if you were aware or not, but she works at the Witches Union office. Don’t be afraid, she’s not going to eat you. Although she is bihexual.”

“Bi-hex-ual?” I asked quietly. That had never come up when we’d been stuck in the past.

“She dabbles in both light magic and dark magic.” Kelly answered. “Ezzy, this my cousin, Jessica. You might remember her—she was tossed back in time with you guys during Gertie’s latest debacle.”

“Vaguely. A few things about that trip are still pretty fuzzy. Anyway, welcome to the coven, Jessica. Tell me a little bit about your magic. What all have you been able to do?”

“Well… I know a card trick. The only witchcraft I’ve managed to perform was blowing the balls off of a drunken slime with Gertie’s wand when we were trapped back in time.” My sad but truthful answer sounded so completely lame I followed up with a wink, hoping she’d think I was being sarcastic.

Excitement washed Ezzy’s mystery-woman persona away in a flash. “Oh, that’s accidental magic and not what I’m talking about. Honestly it could happen to anyone under the right amount of stress. Have you seriously never mixed a potion or cast a spell? Kelly, you know what this means? We get to pop her cherry!”

It seemed to me Ezzy was a bit too enthusiastic, and the way she said it made it sound painful. When she retrieved a rectangular black case from her shoulder bag and handed it to Kelly, I stood straight up.

Ezzy stared off at some unseen point in the distance, tapping the emerald wand against her palm. “It should be something epic, a truly memorable experience.”

I actually looked off in the direction of her stare to see what she was looking at, because I was lost.

“Ah, let’s not take it as far as Gertie did on her first time. Burning down Chicago exceeds the definition of ‘a truly memorable experience.’ Better stick to the official program, Ezzy.” Kelly slid the box across the table. “A gift to you from the Witches Union.”

With every ounce of caution I could summon, I examined the black velvet box. It looked just like a case for an expensive necklace. The possibilities spun in my head. Maybe it was a necklace with diamonds, or rubies? I was ready to burst with excitement. If my special welcome gift was from the Witches Union it had to be truly astonishing, right? I almost squealed when the box snapped open like a necklace case Nonna once gave me.

I gasped in surprise… but not in the good surprise sort of way. It wasn’t what I expected.

“Well? Aren’t you curious to try it out?” Kelly asked.

I stared at the item, nestled neatly in folds of white satin. It was nearly a foot long and about as big around as a quarter, rounded at one end, and beige. “What? What the hell kind of gift is this?” I awkwardly plucked the hard plastic gift out of its case and shook it in their direction. “It’s… it’s obscene. Thanks, freaks.”

Kelly’s eyes widened with confusion. “What? It’s your training wand. What the hell do you think it is?”