Magicalamity (24 page)

“What’s she saying?” Clarence asked eagerly.

Pindar grinned. “She says she wants to meet the guy who sang ‘Old Fairies Suck.’ She thinks it’s the only decent fairy music she’s ever heard.”

Shocked laughter rippled through the crowd, with a few screams from Trebonkers fans.

“Trebonkers!” groaned Clarence. “Are you sure?”

“Oh yes. I was just telling her about his latest album—that’s another thing she wants now. She’d really love a signed one.”

Clarence whispered to one of his bodyguards, “Go and find that ghastly young noisemaker—tell him all our lives depend on his being nice to her.”

Tom found that he was a lot less scared. Pindar was now very relaxed with the dragon, and she looked less
angry. And she couldn’t be all bad if she liked Jay Trebonkers.

Luckily Jay was still at Dragon’s Lawn. He came to meet the dragon, and if he was afraid of her, he didn’t show it; he shook one of her claws, handed her a complete set of all his albums and posed with her for photographs.

“Tell her she’s cool,” he told Pindar.

“OK,” Pindar said, “though I’ll have to use another word. Dragons think anything cold means death.”

Jay said, “Wow, man—you’re clever.”

Tom remembered Pindar telling him it was easy to talk to animals—it was the sort of spell that didn’t make him sneeze. He remembered how easily he’d made friends with the elephants at the circus. He had mastered the fiendishly difficult lizard language spell, and he could understand the extinct language of a dragon.

“Yes,” he said, “Pindar’s really clever. Talking to animals is his special talent.”

“Is it?” Pindar was doubtful. “I suppose I have always been quite good with that sort of spell.” He grinned suddenly. “Hey—I am good at something after all!”

“Ask her what we must do next,” Clarence said.

Pindar said something to the dragon and she rumbled back a detailed reply.

“She says she must bow to the One Good Falconer. And—” He listened a little more, fired off a question in
dragon-language, and then his face lit up. “Tom! It’s NOT ME!”

“What?’ Clarence asked sharply.

“I’m NOT the One Good Falconer! I’m just an ordinary bad one!”

Tom and Pindar burst out laughing and did high fives, and Tom was so happy that he almost forgot he was standing uncomfortably close to a very hot dragon.

“But …,” Clarence said. He was astonished. “If it’s not you, then who?”

“Of course!” Tom shouted. “Don’t you see? It’s MILLY!”

“W
ow, that was such a relief,” said Pindar. “When that dragon said Milly was the One Good Falconer, I could have kissed her!”

“It’s so great that you can talk to her,” Tom said. “When do you have to go back?”

“Clarence said they wouldn’t need me until she’s finished eating.”

The two boys lay in the long grass on the edge of the great arena, drinking Coke while the dragon ate her supper. Finding the right food had not been easy. She had asked for a thousand live goats and two hundred live human slaves. When told this wasn’t possible, she had asked for a hundred tons of top-quality coal. Finally
she settled for hamburgers, and Clarence had appealed to the crowd for help. Hundreds of fairies all over Dragon’s Lawn had relit their barbecues and made heaps and heaps of burgers, which were now being collected in wheelbarrows and shoveled down the dragon’s throat.

“They won’t make you stay in the Realm to be her interpreter, will they?” asked Tom.

“Hope not. She’s OK, but I don’t want to spend my life with an ancient dragon. I’ve always wanted to go to a proper school. That’s what made me try so hard to talk to my lizards—I didn’t have any friends my own age.”

“You’ll just have to teach someone else to talk to her,” Tom said firmly. “Look—Clarence is waving, we’d better go over.”

“She probably wants to ask for seconds,” Pindar said, grinning.

They hurried back through the crowd. The dragon had polished off her hamburgers and now sat, stuffed and red-hot, on a burnt patch of grass, occasionally burping and sending out clouds of sparks.

There was nervous excitement in the air as people tidied up picnic stuff and strapped on wings. The boys passed two television crews, and Clarence was surrounded by reporters and photographers.

“Ah, Pindar—I think she’s finished.” Clarence looked years younger, and seemed to quiver with impatience.
“Ask her if she’s ready to go—I’ve had a call from Milly to say everything’s prepared. Tell her the whole Realm is waiting.”

Pindar and the dragon talked for a few minutes.

“She says the burgers were great,” Pindar said. “Now she wants to meet Auntie Milly.”

Tom knew that he would never forget being part of the triumphant procession from Hopping Hill to the High Fairy Court. The dragon took off first, and they had to clear a space on Dragon’s Lawn so that she could spread her enormous wings. Clarence, Pindar and Tom flew in close formation behind her, and following them flew a huge crowd of fairies, elves, goblins, pixies, genies, gnomes, demifurs and every kind of magical creature.

The dragon flew at a slow, dignified pace, and kept low so that the crowds of fairies on the ground could get a good look at her. The news had traveled fast, and the entire Realm was celebrating the fall of the Falconers. Every village and town they flew over had its big screen up to watch the ceremony, and when they saw the dragon the crowds cheered loudly.

The High Fairy Court was surrounded by an enormous crowd—there were no less than four huge screens up, and as they lost height Tom saw picnics, more television
crews and stalls selling food and dragon T-shirts. Directly outside the court, however, a very large green space had been cleared. Milly waited there, in her big white wedding dress.

Police fairies patrolled the air above the clearing, and most of the crowd following the dragon were directed to the big screens, but Clarence, Pindar and Tom were waved through.

“Touch down somewhere behind her,” Clarence called. “The dragon will need plenty of room.”

Tom hardly heard him. A little way behind Milly stood a man with curly gray hair.

“Dad!” Tom was so overjoyed to see him that he landed in a clumsy heap at his feet, and Dad had to untangle his wings before he could hug him.

“Tom! You’re safe—and you’ve learned to fly!”

“Are you really OK?”

“I’m absolutely fine—and incredibly sorry that I didn’t warn you about any of this; I know I’ve got a lot of explaining to do, but it’ll have to wait till after the ceremony.”

The dragon landed on the grass and a deep hush fell. Dad took Tom’s hand and squeezed it tightly. They watched in silence as the dragon shuffled towards Milly and bowed her head to the ground.

“It’s all right, Pindar—we’ve found someone else who
can talk to her,” Milly said. “This is Professor Bunty Goodfellow, from the Institute of Extinct Languages.”

A tall, thin lady with gray hair and gold-rimmed glasses stepped forward and rumbled something at the dragon. Tom was very happy to see her—now nobody would try to keep Pindar in the Realm as a translator.

He looked round for his ex-cousin and saw him standing shyly a few meters away. “Hey!” He grabbed him and pulled him over. “Dad, this is Pindar—he’s my best friend and he saved my life!”

“I used to be your nephew, but Dolores says she’s not my mother,” said Pindar.

“That doesn’t matter,” said Dad, giving Pindar a friendly smile. “It’s great to meet you, Pindar—Squeaky’s told me lots about you. Thanks for saving Tom’s life.”

“Squeaky? Oh, you mean Terence!” Pindar suddenly spotted Terence waving to him in the crowd, and waved back.

Milly kissed one of the dragon’s claws, and the great crowd burst into deafening cheers.

“She’s going inside now, to give her verdict,” said Dad. “Justice has returned to the Realm!”

They went into the court, where Judge Plato was waiting to formally give up his place. He bowed to Milly and went to stand beside Dahlia. Milly squashed the white billows of her dress into his chair, while everybody else crammed into any seat they could find. Tom,
Pindar and Jonas managed to find places beside Lorna and Iris.

Lorna hugged the boys. “I’m so glad you’re all right. Isn’t this thrilling?”

Tiberius and Dolores Falconer and the rest of the Ten were now in the dock, looking very sulky.

“Silence in court!” Milly’s voice was strong and loud. “On behalf of the last dragon, I formally accept the leadership of the Realm and will now settle any outstanding business.”

“This is NONSENSE!” shouted Tiberius.

“Since you can’t keep quiet,” said Milly, “I’ll deal with you first. According to the old law, you should be killed at once—but this is the beginning of a new era and there will be no more cruel punishments. I’m sending you and Dolores and the rest of the Ten to work at the Home for Retired Donkeys.”

“What? Milly, you can’t be serious! Give the leadership back to me!”

“Certainly not!” Milly angrily tossed her ringlets. “Don’t you get the message, Tiberius? You’re not the leader anymore. You’re an ordinary worker at a donkey sanctuary.”

“You fat cow!” shrieked Dolores. “You’ll be sorry for this!”

“And a few years shoveling donkey poo will do YOU a world of good,” Milly said. “Goodbye.” She pointed a
finger at the dock, and Tiberius, Dolores and the rest of the Ten vanished.

There was polite clapping inside the court, and loud cheering from the crowd outside.

“Next,” Milly said, “the case of Derek Drapton.”

The Chief Adorer—still sobbing, and wiping his eyes on the black sleeves of his robe—stepped into the dock. “I don’t care what you do to me—I deserve to be punished. I’ve spent the past fifteen years wishing only for your forgiveness!”

Milly sighed impatiently. “Oh, Derek, do stop that sniveling! Of course you can have my forgiveness—on the condition that you disband the Adorers and get married to someone else.”

“Milly, thank you!” gasped Drapton.

“Now listen, everyone,” Milly went on. “I declare an end to all Falconer rule and influence.”

Huge cheers as the public gallery did a wave.

“I declare that all prisoners are free.”

More cheers. “That means Hussein!” Lorna shouted above the din.

“I declare that all taxes are abolished.”

This time the cheers were loud enough to shake the building, and bits of plaster rained down from the ceiling.

“I declare that the mountain known as Hopping Hill
is the property of the Fairy State, and protected as an area of outstanding magical beauty—is that OK by you, Jonas?”

“I think it’s wonderful. I don’t want it. Hopping Hill belongs to the Hoppers.”

The cheers were incredible now. Tom felt very proud of Dad.

“Finally, I declare five days and nights of feasting, and with my new powers I shall cast one of the oldest spells from the old law—the same spell the blabbermouth Shakespeare let out to the mortals—the PUTTING-RIGHT.” Milly stood up. In a loud voice she declaimed,
“Jack shall have Jill / Nought shall go ill / The man shall have his mare again / And all shall be WELL!”

Rays of sunlight streamed through the tall windows of the court. And suddenly everyone was smiling and shaking hands and hugging and kissing, as if it were Christmas morning.

Dad hugged Tom. “All shall be well,” he said shakily. “I really believe that now.”

Tom had hundreds of questions for his dad, but these had to wait until they had all flown back to Dragon’s Lawn. Parties were breaking out all over the Realm, but this was where Milly had decided to hold hers, with the dragon as guest of honor. Jay Trebonkers was going
to give a free concert, and Dahlia rode off splendidly with Judge Plato, in a flying gondola drawn by sixteen swans.

Tom flew beside his dad; after that botched landing he wanted to show off how well he could manage Clarence’s old wings. He secretly hoped that there would be some way of doing a bit of flying back in the mortal world.

Dragon’s Lawn was a magnificent sight: a great carpet of campfires and colored lights, under a sky filled with stars (Tom wasn’t sure he recognized all of these). Clarence’s bodyguards set out tables and chairs, and a selection of drinks and snacks. It was very hot. The summer night was warm and still, and the dragon was glowing like a furnace. A well-wisher had sent her a hundred tons of coal, which she ate with fiery greed. Professor Bunty Goodfellow didn’t dare to stand too near to her because of the sparks.

It was a fantastic evening. Tom and Pindar listened to Jay’s free concert, ate a delicious meal and finally lay yawning on big cushions beside the campfire.

Milly was making a stately procession around Dragon’s Lawn in her big white gown. She shook hands, kissed babies, gave television interviews and posed for photographs.

“She’s enjoying leadership,” Jonas said, chuckling. “I always told her she’d make a good prime minister.”

“And look at Iris!” said Lorna. “I’ve never seen that old dinosaur-drawers so jolly!”

Tom looked at Iris, half hidden behind the white billows of Milly’s dress. Her hair was ruffled, her hat was still bent out of shape and her little eyes sparkled with happiness. “If Dahlia can give up her husbands,” he said, “maybe Iris will stop making her schoolgirls steal for her.”

“I can’t believe those two let themselves get so wicked,” said Jonas.

“A bit of tough godmother duty was just what they needed,” Lorna said. “They’re a lot nicer now, thanks to Tom.” She grinned at him. “And thanks to Tom, I’ve remembered how to fly.”

“Tom,” his dad said softly, “I really am very sorry I didn’t tell you about your fairy heritage.”

“That’s OK, I’m over the shock now.”

“I will explain everything, but if you don’t mind, I’ll wait for Milly to tell the whole story.” A shadow crossed his face.

Dahlia joined them in time to hear this. “You mustn’t blame yourself,” she said softly. “You couldn’t have saved her.” She looked elegant in her off-the-shoulder ivory silk.

Judge Plato was right behind her, wheeling a trolley full of bottles. He had changed into a white dinner jacket with a black bow tie. “Cocktail, anyone?”