Making Marriage Simple (5 page)

The most important thing for Turtles to remember is to communicate gently with their Hailstorm. This is true all the time, and especially when either one of you feels overwhelmed or unappreciated. Assure the Hailstorm that you’ve got their back. Once they realize they can rely on you, the dark clouds will disperse and the sun will shine once again.

“CALM” HAILSTORM, MEET THE “SNAPPY” TURTLE!

So if driving each other crazy is the worst-case scenario, what’s the best-case scenario? It’s when the Turtle and Hailstorm learn how to dance together. And they do this by teaching each other what they know best. Turtles need to learn how to push their energy out and “show up.” This means expressing themselves out loud and clearly, like the Hailstorm does. And Hailstorms need to learn the Turtle’s wisdom of stepping back and containing their energy. This exchange helps each one gain important skills—and (dare we say) become more like the other.

Although our incompatibility is largely what draws us to our partner (unconsciously, of course), ironically, both partners need to learn how to be more like each other. And this includes those parts they find most annoying!

As the Turtle becomes more storm-like, and the Hailstorm becomes more turtle-like, balance is restored. In addition, these newly cultivated skills help each of you become better human beings in the world.

It’s amazing to realize that we hold the key to how much our Turtle withdraws and how hard our Hailstorm hails. Working with this incompatibility helps us heal each other’s childhood wounds. Giving our partner what they need grows new qualities within ourselves, which helps us build psychological and emotional strength. That we can do this for each other—acting as both catalysts and companions on this journey—is the true mystery and miracle of love relationships.

Truth #2: Incompatibility Is Grounds for Marriage
EXERCISE: TAMING THE HAILSTORM AND COAXING OUT THE TURTLE

As you read through the chapter, you probably figured out pretty easily who in your relationship is the Turtle and who is the Hailstorm. If not, think about how you respond when you’re really frustrated. If you’re still stumped, you can ask your partner!

Coaxing That Turtle Out

You’re a Hailstorm and your Turtle is firmly stuck in their shell. Here are some ideas for luring them out:

1. Ask them what they need right now.
Don’t get upset if they aren’t sure. Just ask the question, and then focus on being someone your partner feels safe confiding in. Become more curious about why your Turtle has a hard shell (and a soft belly)
.

2. Don’t do anything.
This is the simplest (and generally most effective) option. But it’s also often the hardest for a Hailstorm. The thing is, if you give your Turtle a bit of space, they will peek out of their shell before you know it—and you won’t feel like you’re in it alone anymore
.

3. Write a short, kind note of sincere praise, and leave it somewhere for them to find (e.g. on their desk, night-stand, in their briefcase, taped to the bathroom mirror).
This reminds the Turtle that they are appreciated
.

Calming the Hailstorm Down

You’re a Turtle, and your Hailstorm is at full fury, pounding you with their golf-ball-sized hail. Here are some ideas to soothe the storm cloud away:

1. Leave them a token of appreciation—a flower, a kind note, or a favorite snack.
This little gesture lets them know you care about them, and that you’re not withdrawing
.

2. Ask, “What’s going on?” Listen, and repeat back what your Hailstorm says.

3. If you really want to calm the Hailstorm, you can ask: “Is there something I can do for you?”
More than anything, this will let the Hailstorm know that you’ve got their back. And having a partner who has their back means everything to the Hailstorm. The thing is, you’ve got to follow up and actually DO whatever it is that they’ve said you could do for them. Otherwise you can expect the hail you’re receiving to get even bigger!

And Remember
:
Incompatibility is not only grounds for marriage.…
It’s the opportunity to create a great marriage!

TRUTH #3
Conflict Is Growth Trying to Happen

H
ARVILLE

Hopefully by now you realize that the conflict you’re experiencing is not only normal, but inevitable and even
valuable
. Don’t try to avoid it. Don’t try to deny it. Don’t run away from it, or wish it away. Stay with it, and you’ll discover something wonderful right around the corner.

While conflict makes you uncomfortable, it can also invite you to reflect on your situation from a new perspective. So you have a choice. You can act in ways that keep the conflict going. Or you can turn the conflict into creative tension, which gives birth to new insights and talents.

In fact, conflict is growth trying to happen.

All of us want Real Love. It’s what we thought we were signing up for when we said “I do.” And we were. But there are two necessary pit stops on the journey:

    1. Romantic Love: Now this stop is pure ecstasy! Pleasure chemicals are released into your brain, bonding you to your partner. It feels great. You’d happily stay here forever.

    2. Power Struggle: Unfortunately, every couple ends up here. You see all your partner’s negative qualities, which suck the pleasure chemicals in your brain dry. Feeling lost, it seems like you’re going down, down, DOWN!

Survive these two pit stops, and you’re well on your way. Real Love is the harmonious intimacy you hoped for, the communion created from a relationship built on mutual caring and respect. Like anything worth having, getting to Real Love is a process. The journey is quite an adventure, and our book is a terrific road map.

We highlight these pit stops because so many conflicted couples believe there is something wrong with their relationship. There is a myth in our culture: If you’re having problems in your marriage, it means you’re with the wrong person.
This is not true
.

Sadly, the pain and confusion of the Power Struggle cause many couples to consider bailing. They love the romance, but assume that the Power Struggle means it’s time to take the Exit Ramp. Some get divorced. Others stay together, living parallel lives. The ones who bail think they’re lucky. But any new relationship journey begins with Romantic Love.

Which means the Power Struggle is right around the corner.

No one escapes this! The new love interest may look, talk,
laugh, and/or act differently than your current partner. But once Romantic Love fades, watch out. They will morph into an eerie replica of the partner that was left behind.

Bailing during the Power Struggle stops something beautiful that is struggling to be born into the relationship. You’ll be getting rid of your partner, but keeping the problem. Better to keep the partner and get rid of the problem. How? By getting curious about what the conflict is trying to give birth to in your relationship.

STOPPING THE CYCLE

Couples in our workshops feel
such relief
when we explain that every couple gets locked in the Power Struggle. They realize they aren’t alone! The trick is to use conflict to jump-start growth.

Sadly, Helen and I were just like our workshop couples. We were absolutely deadlocked in the Power Struggle. Here’s a bit of how it looked, and how we eventually found the Promised Land on the other side.

When my mother died I was too stunned to cry, at first. At
the funeral, my family complimented me for holding it all in. One of my older sisters admiringly called me “little man.” Remember, I was only six. When the shock of my mother’s death wore off, I was ready for tears. But I’d absorbed the powerful message from the adults around me that expressing feelings was
not
okay. As a result, I buried my feelings deep inside. This caused me to relate in life through my intellect. I committed myself to developing outstanding communication skills, logically writing and speaking my thoughts.

My emotions were so deeply buried that sometimes
I didn’t even know how I felt
. This frustrated Helen, especially when she wanted to work on Imago childhood exercises together. Looking into my blank face, she felt like she was married to a robot.

By contrast, Helen’s family gave her permission to feel, laugh, play, sing, dance—even cry. Remember, we’re talking the Southern Belle Culture back in the 1970s and 1980s. It was fine for women to express their emotions. But they weren’t expected (or
even really encouraged) to develop logical, linear skills. And just forget about technical or office skills. Her all-girls school didn’t even
teach
typing. When she asked why, they told her she wouldn’t need it.

The message was clear: It was okay for Helen to feel—but it wasn’t okay for her to take her ideas too seriously, or logically organize her thoughts. So Helen would ramble on in conversations, and talk about her feelings. A lot. And it began to drive me nuts!

About the only thing we agreed on was that I’d cornered the market on “thinking” in the relationship, and Helen on “feeling.”

Can you guess what happened next?

When issues arose in our marriage, I’d get increasingly robotlike. Rather than rationally discussing this with me, Helen would unconsciously start carrying the emotions in the relationship for
both
of us. This meant Helen would get
doubly
emotional. I’d get so frustrated! I’d eventually snap and become hypercritical.

All I wanted was for Helen to think more logically (so
I
wouldn’t have to deal with the chaos of her feelings).

All Helen wanted was for me to feel (so I’d be able to empathize with
her
feelings).

Unfortunately, the more critical I became, the less articulate Helen got. And I’d become even more critical. You see the picture? So how did we get out of this mess?

This is where our conflict—when used as creative tension—helped us grow something new in our relationship.

The fact is that my ability to feel deeply was simply lost to me. And Helen’s ability to think and speak logically was undeveloped. What we came to realize was that the part of your partner that drives you the
craziest
is often the part you secretly long to be
more like. Once we recognized this, the real work began. We wound up giving birth to whole new parts of ourselves!

My task was to give myself permission to feel. This was terrifying. It meant experiencing what the loss of my mother had
really
felt like for my six-year-old self. It’s a place I’d avoided for decades. I’m a guy who likes control and order, and I wasn’t exactly keen on having to go there. Who would be?