Making Marriage Simple

Copyright © 2013 by Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix
Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Elizabeth Perrachione

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

Harmony Books is a registered trademark, and the Circle colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hendrix, Harville.
Making marriage simple : 10 truths for changing the relationship you have into the one you want / Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.—1st ed.
p. cm.

1. Marriage. 2. Married people—Psychology. 3. Interpersonal relations.
4. Interpersonal conflict. 5. Man-woman relationships. I. Hunt, Helen, 1949–
II. Title.
HQ734.H492 2013
306.81—dc23     2012033304

eISBN: 978-0-7704-3713-8

Illustrations by Elizabeth Perrachione
Jacket design by Nupoor Gordon

v3.1

Taking Notes

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We dedicate this book to five inspiring couples:

Ray and Nancy
Scott and Teresa
Kanya and James
Eric and Jennifer
Dan and Caroline

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Taking Notes

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Introduction
Congratulations, You Are Part of Something Really Big!

How to Use This Book

TRUTH #1
Romantic Love Is a Trick

Truth #2
Incompatibility Is Grounds for Marriage

Truth #3
Conflict Is Growth Trying to Happen

Truth #4
Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past

Truth #5
It’s Not WHAT You Say; It’s HOW You Say It

Truth #6
Negativity Is Invisible Abuse

Truth #7
Negativity Is a Wish in Disguise

Truth #8
Your Brain Has a Mind of Its Own

Truth #9
Your Marriage Is a Laughing Matter

Truth #10
Your Marriage Is the Best Life Insurance Plan

Afterword
The Relationship Revolution

The Exercise Program

Notes

About the Authors and Imago Relationship Therapy

Acknowledgments

No book is written in isolation—especially one on relationships. Many wonderful people helped us simplify as well as dramatize the concepts in this book. We’d like to begin with special thanks to Elizabeth Perrachione, who we’ve known for twenty-five years (and we’d never have dreamed, all those years ago, that we’d collaborate on a book like this together). She not only helped us with the spirited writing of this book, but designed what we feel are the perfect illustrations. We doubt anyone in the world could touch her talent. Thank you!

A depth of appreciation also goes to our publisher, and most specifically to our editor, Sydny Miner, for thoughtfully supporting our vision for this book. And, of course, before the manuscript was even turned in, there were many who assisted us by offering their unerring eye. Sanam Hoon and Joan Denniston’s attention to detail and care for this book’s future readers was evident in the input they offered. Like those holding cups of water at the side of a marathon, Bernadette Gallegos and Rachel Meltzer read many early drafts with wise feedback. Bob Kamm and Jill Fein Baker came in at just the right moments with useful input. We
would also like to thank our agent, Doug Abrams, who shares our passion for healthy relationships—and understands the breadth and depth of our vision. His input as we finalized the book was extremely helpful. We feel very fortunate to have such incredible people surrounding us—supporting our vision with such passion and commitment.

We also want to offer our ongoing appreciation to the global network of Imago Therapists and all they do to help couples throughout the world. And, last (but absolutely not least!) we offer our profound gratitude to every couple out there who is honest enough to admit that their relationship could be better, and who is committed to doing what it takes to build the relationship of their dreams. We make this offering for each and every one of you.

INTRODUCTION
Congratulations, You Are Part of Something Really Big!

You bought this book to make your marriage better. Rest assured it will absolutely help you do that. In this book we’ve distilled the key concepts of our original book
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
, and added the most important relationship wisdom we’ve discovered since. Our goal is to share what we’ve learned in short, clear chapters. The information and processes described here can move you from conflict to connection—introducing you to Real, lasting Love.

And there is more! In the pages ahead, you will learn how to create a new kind of marriage. You are being invited into the forefront of what we believe is a Relationship Revolution. This short walk through the history of marriage will help explain what we mean.

MARRIAGE: AN EVER-EVOLVING INSTITUTION

Love is as old as human kind. The institution of marriage, however, is much more recent. And it is even more recently that marriage had anything to do with love. To offer a glimpse into how marriage has evolved, we’re going to break up this complex history into three distinct sections:

1. In prehistory, our hunter-gatherer ancestors formed “pairbonds” (which basically meant they “went steady”) to share food and shelter. Pairing up reduced the risk of getting picked off by a saber-toothed tiger or starving when food was scarce! Successful and fertile pair-bonding literally meant survival of the wandering bands.

2. Around eleven thousand years ago, hunter-gatherers settled down, becoming farmers. The concept of “property” began to evolve. It started with land, but eventually (and unfortunately) went on to include women, children, and slaves. Marriage was an arrangement created to protect the stuff one already had, while hopefully better positioning one to acquire even more. This often meant that marriages were arranged (usually by one’s parents—a scary thought for some people). Love was not part of the equation.

3. In the eighteenth century the romantic marriage was born. Instead of being imposed by the moral constraints of a patriarchal society, marriage was now a personal
choice. Individuals entered their relationships with newly recognized needs. But marriage didn’t come with a how-to manual. And the self-help movement was a long way off. This left couples in the dark about how to identify their needs or ask for what they wanted. Enter: conflict. The divorce rate in the United States rose to 50 percent in the 1970s, where it has hovered for the last forty years.

The romantic marriage may not have come with a manual, but it did come with a relic of the arranged marriage: gender inequality. This perpetuated the uneven balance of power that was typical of the old kind of marriage. We call it the dominator/submissive model. The more opportunities opened up for women, the more this model was threatened. Submission became a tough sell.
Both partners wanted to be dominant. Each assumed: “You and I are one, and
I’m
the one!”

What comes next in the evolution of marriage is what we’ve been helping couples build for decades: a Partnership Marriage. In a Partnership Marriage, both partners are free and equal. They consciously promote each other’s psychological and spiritual growth. In so doing, they experience the ultimate communion possible between humans.

As marriage and family educators with decades of experience, we can assure you that creating this model can be challenging. Though we’ve been married to each other for over thirty years, it certainly was for us.

Just over ten years ago we had a bold—and scary—awakening. Though we were marriage experts, we woke one day to a marriage in shambles. We had created Imago Therapy. We had helped thousands of other couples around the world heal their marriages. But we were not practicing what we preached. Who we appeared to be in public was very different from how we were at home. We were arguing a lot. Boy, did we feel like hypocrites!

So, we decided to put ourselves through the exercises and techniques we’d created for others. And the same magic we’d seen so many other couples experience became ours. We were able to re-create our previous intimacy, but on an even deeper, more profound level. Our marriage finally became the relationship of our dreams.

We believe everyone has the capacity to create this kind of relationship. And this book will help you achieve it. You are on the threshold of the next evolution in marriage—one that has profound possibilities for you as a person and for the health of
our world. It is only now, at this moment in time, that a Partnership Marriage is even possible. We truly believe if you practice the concepts outlined in this book, you will create the marriage of your dreams. And you will be joining thousands of other couples who are quietly working on this Relationship Revolution.

Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix

How to Use This Book

H
ARVILLE AND
H
ELEN

Each chapter in this book offers an essential truth about marriage that we’ve learned from our decades of working with couples. Each chapter also ends with a simple exercise designed to help you put the concepts you’re learning into practice. And at the end of the book, we’ve put all the exercises together into a comprehensive exercise program.