Making Marriage Simple (6 page)

The thing is, I could feel myself shutting down whenever Helen needed me to show up emotionally for her. She’d remind me that in order to get out of this mess, I needed to consider my childhood wounding. Boy, did I resist that idea! The more I resisted, the more our conflict grew. Finally, I gathered up my courage and dove into my grief, feeling and sorting through all the other emotions I’d pushed down along the way. And was it ever messy!

Thank goodness Helen wasn’t afraid of the chaos that came as I learned how to express deep feelings. She knew I could do it, and her confidence in my abilities was so important to me—because I wasn’t feeling confident at all. Lifted up by her faith in me, I explored this new emotional terrain.

The more I went for it, the greater the gifts. Helen told me how connecting my heart and brain actually deepened my wisdom and understanding. And though diving into my feelings was challenging at first, I wound up gaining so much! Here I was, the scholarly robot, suddenly tearing up at a sunset and crying when someone did something caring for me. It was and continues to be amazing to really let in these meaningful life moments.

Also, the more comfortable I was with my own feelings, the easier it was to be with others who were experiencing emotions. I’d always been able to do this well with the couples I counseled. But it had been harder to bring that same openness to Helen and our family. Not anymore!

Helen’s task was to start expressing herself in a more organized way. One day she came to me with an insight: “I want a computer!” Ever ready to be logical (okay, yes,
and
critical), I said, “What on earth for? You can’t type!” (How’s that for sensitivity?) Refusing to give up, Helen said, “Well, I can teach myself.” And she marched out of the room.

The next day, Helen came home with a laptop. She looked both triumphant and very shy. To be honest, I was a bit shocked, but also absolutely thrilled. And I wanted to support her in whatever way I could. I immediately helped Helen set up her new laptop, and found her a computer program to learn typing. Neither one of us knew quite what we were unleashing.

After three or four months, Helen was just going to town on her new computer. One day, hearing the astonishingly fast clicking of the keys, I asked her what she was typing. “I’ve never told you this before, Harville,” she said, “but I think there’s a book inside me. My mother wanted to write a book, but she never got it finished. I don’t know if I will either, but I’ve got to try.” I was intrigued.

Helen had been invaluable helping me develop Imago theory and advising me on my writing. Now, here I was able to help her make her thoughts more logical and linear on paper. I loved doing this! And I never doubted that she’d finish. When her book was published, we were both so proud.

Often what we need most from our partner is what they are least capable of giving (which also means that we’re the least capable of giving them what they most need from us). Sadly, adults can find it hard to learn new skills. Learning something new takes courage.

So get ready for some serious s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g.

It won’t look pretty (at first). And it certainly won’t feel comfortable.

This is why we call it the Stretching Principle.

Because growth requires both partners to stretch into new ways of being. It’s about using emotional muscles that we haven’t used before.

The Stretching Principle
.

I worked on feeling. And Helen worked on thinking and talking logically. Each week we’d stretch a little bit more. I cannot tell you how hard this was for both of us. But, bit-by-bit, we made progress (and still are, by the way). The more we stick with it, the easier it becomes. And the more amazing it feels.

What began as a HUGE conflict resulted in our giving birth to profound parts of ourselves:

    • My growth empowered me to be present for my loved ones and the world in a way I’d barely allowed myself to dream of before. It also connected me to the young, trusting self who had not yet experienced the grief of my parents’ deaths. This allowed me to find my heart. Suddenly, I could lecture and write with both my heart and mind.

    • Helen’s growth empowered her to go back to school, earn her Ph.D., write articles, and become a published author. All of this meant learning how to think and speak logically, which she does beautifully now. As much as writing her book was important to Helen for her own sake, she
hoped it could also be a gift to her mother in some way. Helen cannot share this story without tears coming to her eyes.

Many people feel that Romantic Love fades far too fast. And for some, the conflict of the Power Struggle lasts way too long. Remember, though, that there is a purpose to the struggle. To move through it, you have to recognize the real message behind the conflict: It’s time for both you and your partner to stretch so you can reclaim new parts of yourself. Using the conflict as a catalyst enables you to truly become the partner each one of you needs, and also develop fully into all of who you are.

Truth #3: Conflict Is Growth Trying to Happen
EXERCISE: MISSES AND WISHES

First:

1. Write down the things you loved about your relationship when you first met, and miss now (See “Misses and Wishes” on
this page
).

2. Next write down something you’ve been longing to feel in your relationship—something you’ve possibly never felt before.

Then:

Take turns sharing items from each list. As you do, it’s natural for memories to come up. Share those too. For example, if one of your wishes is that you’d love to travel more often, this might lead you to a memory of a wonderful trip you took together early in your relationship. Sharing that memory—and even cuddling while you do it—will get your brain to release the love hormone oxytocin, which is responsible for the wonderful feelings you had when you were in the Romantic Love phase of your relationship.

You can also make a list of things you want to create in your relationship and hang it on the fridge. Some of these may be relatively small (like being more affectionate with each other or having friends over more), and some might be larger (like going on a second honeymoon). Having your relationship wishes in plain sight will remind you to focus on creating them.

And Remember
:
By stretching to give your partner what they need, you grow new skills
.

TRUTH #4
Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past

H
ELEN

Now, finally (drum roll, please), we get to the heart of what seems to be part of the universal mystery. There is an amazing thing that happens when we transform the energy of conflict into growth, allowing us to answer the true calling of committed partnership. You become your partner’s healer—and they become yours. As you start listening to your partner in a new way, you will realize an important fact: Your partner’s needs are a blueprint for your own healing and growth—and your needs are a blueprint for your partner’s.

There is an old kind of marriage. In it, both people are elbowing each other, trying to get into the center. Each one expects the other to put the attention on
them
and
meet their needs
. This kind of marriage doesn’t work. Today, a new kind of marriage is emerging: the Partnership Marriage. This marriage isn’t about you … or even your partner. The Partnership Marriage is about something that is greater than either one of you. It is about the two of you helping each other grow into full adulthood. And the healing of each other’s childhood wounds is at the heart of this process.

GIVING YOU WHAT YOU NEED HEALS ME

Identifying each other’s blueprint to healing is like a four-step dance. You and your partner must: (1) help each other name your wounds; (2) clarify what you both need to heal; (3) grow yourselves into becoming each other’s healer (by stretching to meet each other’s needs); and (4) become stronger and more complete in the process.

I made a big mistake with the first two steps of this dance. Remember how proud I was that I “knew Harville better than he knew himself”? That meant I kept giving him the WRONG things to heal his wounds. One day I realized: Rather than assuming I knew what he needed, I had to
ask
him. Now the first few times I asked my Turtle-husband what he needed, he said he didn’t know. This wasn’t Harville being difficult. This was the Turtle not feeling safe enough to come out of his shell and tell me.

So I didn’t press. Instead
I focused on fully accepting his answer and being safe for him
—so that in time, he might feel like sharing. Eventually Harville’s defenses relaxed and he was able to identify and share what he needed. Harville explained that he didn’t want
me to prepare food for him before he even knew if he was hungry or lay out his clothes for him in the morning. He wanted me to be emotionally
present
for him. To
listen
to him.

The idea of “being present” may sound easy to you. It means giving all of your attention to your partner in a caring, open-hearted way—really listening to what your partner thinks and feels. Just because someone is in the same room with you, or is even looking right at you, doesn’t mean they are present with you.

Truly being present for someone is a real gift. And boy was it hard for me. When I was little, neither of my parents had been present for me. Becoming present for Harville meant I had to slow down and be available to hear more of his thoughts.