Mansfield Ranch (17 page)

Wow. It was the first time my grandmother had told me how big of a help I was. It was the first time any parental figure had acknowledged what I’d done. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you’re happy. I’m glad I could help.”

She squeezed my hand, her features turning serious. “Now tell me honestly—how badly do you miss your old home?”

“Not very much.”

“Lilly.” She looked me straight in the eye. “I may be old, but I’m not stupid. It kills you to live here, doesn’t it?”

I gave up. “Yes.”

“You had a life, you had friends, you had a family.”

I shook my head. “No, not really. Yes to all of those things, I suppose. But it’s the hope of them I miss more than anything.”

“You love them.”

“Yes. I love them. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t really fit in, but I love them and I do miss it tremendously. I miss so much about that life.”

“Tell me about it. What was your day like?”

I grinned and then told her all about everything. About Princess Buttercup and riding for hours out on the property, about Sean, about Lauren and Alexis, about Mr. and Mrs. Benally, school, Harrison, Julia . . . all of it. I told her my struggles, but also what I loved most about it. It wasn’t long before she was able to fish out my secret.

“You’re in love him—with Sean, aren’t you?”

I blushed. “Why would you say that?”

She laughed. The first real laugh I’d heard for hours. “Goodness, because I was a girl once too, you know. I know firsthand what it’s like to fall head over heels for a boy.”

“Really?” Now she had my curiosity piqued.

“Yes, but no use distracting me. Tell me more about this Sean Benally. This was the one who came with you the day you moved here, yes?”

“Yeah. He was.” I frowned a bit. “But really, there’s nothing to tell. He likes someone else, so that’s that.”

“Of course there is!” She swatted the back of the couch. “There is most definitely a story here, even if it’s only your side of the story. Now spill.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “Fine.” So I told her about Sean. Grandmother giggled and sighed and especially made me laugh when she got me to open up about the kisses. “Good grief—who knew you were such a romantic at heart?”

“Me?” She waggled her brows. “I’m the most hopeless one there is!”

“I can believe it.” I chuckled a moment, and then pressed on before things got too silly and I lost this chance to get her to confide in me. “Grandmother, what happened to my dad? Do you know?”

She sat back into the cushions. “No. I don’t even think your mother knew who he was. I hate to say it, but I fear that’s the truth.”

“Oh.”

She grinned ruefully and tilted her head. “You know, you remind me so much of the good parts of her.”

“Really?” For some reason, that made me exceptionally happy.

“It’s like you’re what she could’ve become if she wanted to. It brings me joy to see such a good, responsible girl sitting before me, knowing that you are as perfect as she could’ve ever hoped for.”

I cried then. Those silly emotions just swept all over me. I cried for the mom I never knew, for the scared, resentful woman who was so miserable and constantly looking for happiness. I cried in thanks that once she decided not to abort me, she did so with integrity and with the hope that I would come out okay. I cried for all the wasted years and the strong pull I felt toward someone I would never really know. But mostly, I cried for the guilt and sorrow I saw written across my grandmother’s weary face. A woman who boldly accepted life and the challenges it threw her way and just went on. That woman—she was the person I hoped to emulate, the amazingly lost and yet hopeful romantic. The closest thing to a mother I would ever have.

I scooted across the couch and curled myself into the side of her, my arm wrapping around her thick middle as I nestled up against her shoulder.

She held me tightly and whispered, “Ayóó ánóshí.”

I squeezed tighter, a small fissure of warmth making its way to lock within my heart permanently. “I love you too.”

Chapter 21: Peace Heals the Heart

After that day, Grandmother and I opened up a bit more. I found a rhythm in living there that I would’ve never imagined possible, but it was. I still missed Bloomfield like crazy. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of them all. However, Shiprock didn’t seem that bad anymore.

I took the older two girls out on long walks, taught them about fun hairstyles, and even coached them a bit in the fashion department. I’d been around Lauren and Alexis long enough to know a few things about clothes. The girls loved it, and soon learned to see me as an older sister instead of the weird cousin who told them to clean their room.

By February, things were going so easily, I nearly forgot I hadn’t lived in that small trailer forever. I didn’t stare at Facebook longingly and watch for Julia’s updates to see if she and Sean had done anything together. I didn’t check and double-check my empty e-mail multiple times a day. And I didn’t cry into my pillow every night. Instead, I thought of them and wondered where they were and what they were doing, but that was it.

It felt good and healthy not to obsess so much over people who weren’t part of my life at the moment.

Of course, that all changed when a surprise visitor came to see me just before Valentine’s Day.

Nelvin came running into my room after school. “Lilly! Lilly! Did you know there’s a guy here to see you?”

“What?” I rolled over on my bed. Apparently I’d fallen asleep. I’d put the younger two down for naps an hour ago and had been working on my online schooling. The laptop was open, but I’d been facedown on the bed when Nelvin came in.

“There was a guy outside asking if you lived here.”

What? I sat up and ran my hand through my hair. “Are you kidding me?” My heart began to race at super-warp speeds. “Did he say who he was?”

“Nope. Just asked about you.” He smiled. “I told him to come into the living room and I’d get you.”

Good grief. He’d probably heard this whole conversation. “Thanks,” I grumbled as I got out of bed and wished I’d thought to put some makeup on that morning.

“No problem. He looks really cool.” Nelvin rushed out the door. “She’s coming!” he announced excitedly.

“Shh . . .” I reprimanded him as I came into the hallway. “There are kids asleep in Grandma’s room.” I could just make out the long jean-clad legs sitting on the couch from where I stood. The cats were nuzzling against his ankles. Another couple of steps and I froze. I don’t know why, but the last person I imagined sitting there would be Harrison.

“Hello, Lilly.” He grinned.

I wasn’t sure what to think. I blinked. “Hi.”

His eyes roamed over my features and then he slowly got to his feet. His large frame seemed to fill the whole room. “I came to see you.”

It was Thursday. “Don’t you have school?”

“Yeah.” He chuckled and then shrugged. “I ditched the last couple of hours and came here instead.”

“What? Why?”

He winked. “Why not?”

“Um . . .” I could think of several different reasons, but I noticed a very curious Nelvin staring at us both. I cleared my throat just as the older two girls burst into the house.

“Hey, whose car is that out—oh!”

I glanced at Harrison. “Would you like to go for a walk?” There was no way I’d get enough privacy with all these kids here.

“Yeah, I’d love that.”

I looked over at the oldest girl. “You’re in charge. The two little ones are still asleep, and I need to make sure you guys get your homework done. I’ll be right outside, so get me if you need anything. When I come back, if everything is good, I’ll let you have some of that cake I made yesterday, but I have to see that you’ve done your homework and we didn’t have any fighting.”

“Okay!” the kids exclaimed.

“Shh!” I reminded them.

They grinned and tiptoed to their spots in the living room. Already backpacks were being opened and homework was coming out.

I got my coat and allowed Harrison to open the door for me. “Be good,” I said as the door swung into place.

I let him walk down the warped stairs first and then I joined him. He held his arm out and I easily slipped my hand into the crook of his elbow.

“So, where to, boss?” He grinned down at me.

Never in a million years did I think I’d be letting Harrison Crawford escort me around any property, let alone this little trailer and the land it was on. I pointed to a small path that went around the length of the fence. “Let’s just follow that a few times and talk.”

“Fair enough.” He seemed quite pleased with himself.

“So why are you here?” I asked after a moment of silence.

“Because I miss you.”

I rolled my eyes and nudged him a bit. “I should really deck you right now. You realize that, right?”

“Yeah, I know. But I’m glad you missed me too and aren’t going to do it.”

I pulled back. “Who said I missed you?”

He held up his hands. “Okay. Okay. I give. You didn’t miss me.” When I didn’t say anything, he nodded and kept walking. After a bit, he said, “I’m sorry, Lilly. I’m so, so sorry.”

All at once, a flash of that night came back to me. Fear. Confusion. Anger. “No, you’re not.”

“I am. I honestly am. I’m such a loser.”

I sighed and clung to his arm tighter. “Keep talking. And keep walking.” I don’t know why I was willing to listen to him—maybe because he represented home to me—but whatever it was, I didn’t want this moment to end.

“You want me to keep telling you what an idiot I am?”

“Pretty much. It’s a good start.” My eyes met his twinkling gaze. I chuckled and looked away. “Why are you so good-looking?”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

“This is true.” I laughed. “This day may turn out better than I thought.” I took a few more steps. “So why are you here now?”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

“Good! And why do you feel like such an idiot?”

He smirked. “Because I’m the biggest idiot ever and should always feel that way to remind myself not to hurt those I love.”

“Love?” My startled gaze met his.

He stopped walking. We were about twenty yards away from the house, standing next to a fence in a barren desert field. “I love you. I think I always have. From the first moment you told me off in your kitchen, I knew you were something amazing. And I’ve just been a blundering idiot ever since, trying to get you to see me.”

“You don’t love me.” I pushed away from him and began to walk. However, I surprised myself by strolling slowly and not rudely away.

He had his hands in his pockets as he easily matched my stride. “See, that’s where you’re wrong. And I will prove it to you—you’ll see.”

I mock laughed. “Ha. Ha.”

“I’m serious.”

Turning around, I began to walk backward so I could see him better. “Why? Why me? What’s the big deal? You can have any girl. I’m nothing. Seriously nothing.”

He shook his head. “Do I have to answer this every time I see you?” He paused and glanced out into the sun. “You already know I find you irresistible. You already know you’re the only girl I care about and have cared about for months now. You already know my whole existence is me berating myself for being such an idiot to you. What else do you need? ”

I stopped walking. We were about ten feet from each other. “I need to trust you.”

“Ugh!” He ran his hand through his hair. “Why are women so f—freakin’ difficult?”

I grinned. I admit it—I loved that he attempted to curb his tongue in front of me.

He eyes met mine. Raw agony rolled within their depths. “I’m sorry, Lilly Price. I’m sorry that for even ten minutes I allowed my thoughts to roam and I treated you like a common . . .” His voice trailed off. “You deserve better than that. You’re more amazing than anyone I’ve ever met before. You’re brash. You’re strong. You’re loyal. You’re loving. You’re fiercely protective. You’re humbling. You’re joyful. You’re feisty. You’re caring. You’re giving. You’re practical. And you’re seriously the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.”

I rolled my eyes and folded my arms.

“You don’t believe me that I think you’re beautiful?”

I shook my head slightly. “No.”

He took a few steps toward me. I stood my ground.

“Lilly. It’s true. At first, I didn’t see how gorgeous you were. I couldn’t. I was so wrapped up with flash and my own dang pompenstance, I honestly didn’t see anyone who wasn’t as dressed up like a magazine ad. I was—I
am
an idiot. We’ve established this. And I was a horrific jerk to you. I tried to destroy you. And I admit it, I thought it was funny. But how did you handle it? By simply not caring. By not falling into Bloomfield High’s expectations of beauty and coolness. You were above that. You were so much better than the glitzy confusion of the world around you. And you were disgusted by it.

“You’re mature, Lilly. You’re steady. You’re the most remarkable girl I’ve ever known. How could I not fall in love with you? How could I not act like a complete bumbling buffoon attempting to get you to see me? I knew if I could, you’d be my saving grace. If I, Harrison Crawford, could get the most uniquely stunning girl to fall for me—if I could get her approval, I knew I would have everything.”

He took the last few steps toward me. “Just being in your presence and getting any communication from you at all—
this
—this makes me a better person.
This
right here, forcing myself to acknowledge to you things I never would’ve said out loud to anyone—I’m already stronger. Only you could shake me awake and make me see how much fuller my life is, what a loser I am, and mostly what a loser I’d be if I ever let you go. I love you, Lilly Price. And I won’t ever stop loving you.”

I stared long and hard at this guy. He was so sincere—I could tell he believed every word he’d just spoken. And for the first time, I wanted to trust him. It would make everything so much easier. My heart wouldn’t be shattered, my confidence in life would be restored, but how could I? How could I trust such a flirtatious fool whose only thought in life was conquering the next girl? Do guys really change? Do
people
really change?