Many Shades of Gray (21 page)

Janice trembled in his arms, waiting for him to join her, feeling the changes in his body, hearing him growl, feeling him driving even deeper and feeling his release as he roared.

“I love you,” he moaned softly into her neck but she didn’t answer. She held him as close as possible, hoping he would know how she felt, hoping she wouldn’t have to say it. And she hoped that the day would come when she could.

Hours later, neither of them could do much more than make promises. They were tired and deliciously achy. The need for actual food had finally pushed in on them and Simon called for a tray while Janice showered.

They ate dinner in relative quiet. She smiled at him every now and then, touching him between mouthfuls of food. He couldn’t resist smiling back. He watched as she got up from the table, and was in the same position when she returned. He looked in her hand and wondered what she had.

She came to him, kissed his shoulder, his neck and his ears, then blew breath along the back of his hairline and he felt an instant erection. “I thought you were tired,” he teased, reaching for her hand that was caressing his shoulder.

She came around to face him, her face lit by an inner glow. The warm brown fire that filled her eyes filled his soul. He looked in the hand she was holding toward him and saw the calendar. He looked at her, not saying a word, pretending not to understand.

“What month looks good?” she asked.

“For what?” he asked, still not wanting to make it easy for her, knowing this was her way of making amends. He needed more.

“For our wedding,” she answered. “I thought we should set a date.”

Simon pulled her into his lap. This was part of what he needed. Now he was almost glad that they’d fought. “Is this what you want?” he asked.

“It’s what I want.”

“Am I who you want?” he pressed.

“Simon, I want to marry you,” she answered.

“I asked if I’m the man that you want.”

She moved in his lap, pressing her body against him, leaning her head against his. She stroked his cheek with her tongue and her hand went down and groped him and he felt the movement before he pushed her way.

“Not this time.” He shook his head. “Am I the man that you want?”

“I answered that question already.”

“That was when we were making up.”

“Are we done making up?”

“We’ve taken the edge off.” He couldn’t help smiling. “And that’s permitting me to think clearly. I know that we need to talk.”

“Simon, come on, please, let’s not fight.”

He laughed aloud. “I don’t believe it, you, the queen of fights, don’t want to fight.” He chuckled. “Don’t worry baby, I don’t want to fight either. But we have to get some things straight between us.”

Janice sighed. “Okay, what?”

“First, about my leaving, I meant it. I would never abandon you. I hate to keep repeating myself but I want to make this perfectly clear to you. I’m getting tired of paying for Tommy’s sins. I’m sure I don’t know everything that happened with the two of you but I’m not him and I refuse to continue in this relationship and allow you to walk all over me. What I told you before I left I meant. We’re not doing this dance between us anymore. Now back to my original question. Before we pick a date, am I the man that you want for the rest of your life? I plan to do this only once. You marry me and that’s it,” he said seriously, “I will not leave you and you will not leave me. Till death do us part.”

“You’re the man that I want,” Janice admitted, not looking directly at him. She knew if she didn’t admit to at least that much she would lose him. Her throat tightened. She didn’t want to lose Simon from her life.

“Can you look at me and say it as though you mean it?” Simon said, pulling her closer.

“I meant it,” she said.

“Look at me, and tell me again,” he ordered, his voice not leaving any room for kidding.

“Simon,” she whispered. “You know that you’re the one that I want. Haven’t I shown you that?”

He looked backwards at the bed. “You mean that? No, baby, that’s not showing me.”

She lifted her brow.

“That was showing me you needed me, wanted me, maybe even missed me and believe me, I love it. But that’s not showing me that you love me.”

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to share your soul with me.”

Janice shivered. Simon wanted her soul. She’d known it would lead to this. What had happened to the man that she fought with, the one that she could depend on to fight with her, the one who didn’t have the look in his eyes that Simon did, as if his entire life was riding on her answer?

She wanted only to see his passion, his lust; she didn’t want to see his love. And it had gotten so that lately love was always in his eyes. A part of her wanted to grab onto that love and beg him to never stop loving her. But she remembered how fragile love was, how easily it could change. And she never wanted to hurt that way again.

“Simon, what happened, what changed you?”

“You did.”

“How?”

“I don’t know.”

“I liked the way we were together.”

“So did I, but I’m not getting any younger. Neither are you,” he said pointedly. “I want more in my life. I want that one special person. I want to know that I can depend on you, that no matter what happens, no matter what secrets we share, we can weather the storm, that we will be there for each other. And I can’t count on that if you aren’t willing to share your soul with me.”

“There won’t be any going back from that, Simon, and life doesn’t offer any guarantees. If I do as you ask, open myself up to you, expose my soul, bare it all, can you guarantee me that I won’t regret it?”

He swallowed. “No, I can’t guarantee it. But I’d like to think that we can build a future where we can work past any obstacles.”

“What if I promise you that I will try?”

Simon swallowed. He thought of Harold telling him to tell Janice his secret. But now was not the time; it might never be the right time to tell her.

“Did you tell Tommy that you loved him?”

“What?” Janice asked.

“When you were with Tommy, did you tell him that you loved him?”

“That was such a long time ago.”

“Did you tell him?” Simon persisted. “I want you to give to me what you gave to him. No,” he stopped and shook his head. “I want more than you gave him. I want more than you’ve ever given any man. I want all of you.”

“Do you want me to tell you simply because I told Tommy? Look where that relationship ended. You want my soul, you said. What do I get in exchange, Simon?”

“You get all of me. You get my soul.”

“Simon, I’m not playing games with you, I promise. I’m only trying to protect myself from being hurt. When I give you my soul, I give you the power to hurt me. I know how I’ve been treating you, Simon. I didn’t want to love you because then you would be able to hurt me. But I knew you wanted more and that alone made me want to run away.”

She swallowed and blinked, trying to blot out her pain. He wanted her soul. She’d see how much he could really take.

“When I thought you might not come back,” Janice whispered, “it hurt. I didn’t like it. No one has been able to make me hurt in a long time.”

“Don’t you trust me?” Simon asked.

She wanted to tell him yes, but she couldn’t say it because she didn’t trust him not to hurt her. He was human and humans were flawed. She was flawed.

She wondered how he’d ever started loving her in the first place when she’d purposefully treated him like shit. Now he wanted her to join him, to step out on a branch that was already creaky and without a safety net. She needed her net.

“Simon, give me time,” she pleaded.

“Is it so hard for you to tell me that you love me?” he asked, a wry smile on his face, his hope in his eyes. “I can tell you.”

“One river at a time. That’s all that I can cross.”

He looked at her, stunned. A flash of pain filled his eyes and he turned from her. Janice moved with him, laid her head against his back and pressed her hand to his chest. “I’ve never planned a wedding,” she said, hoping that somehow he would interpret it the way she meant it, that she was committed to marrying him. She would not cheat on him. What more could he ask?

To hear the words, ‘I love you.’ The words pounded at her and she pushed them away. She was willing to share the rest of her life with him. Surely that weighed more than words.

“Can we set a date?” she asked, teasing him, pulling on his hair, noticing how long it was, knowing that he hadn’t cut it since he’d been gone. “I like your hair long,” she said, tugging on it gently, swaying her hips, grating her front to his rear. “I can’t wait to marry you,” she tried again.

Simon turned to look at her, saw the pleading in her eyes, the worry, the unspoken words. She loved him. God, how he wanted to hear her say it. He held her in his arms. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll do as you ask for now. But I will eventually want to hear you tell me.”

“What’s the deal?” she asked, smiling.

He knew she thought she’d gotten her way. She had no idea that what he was about to propose would be equally difficult.

“I want to meet your family.” He saw her start to protest and narrowed his eyes. “Take it or leave it.”

She should have known. “When do you want to meet them?”

“No time like the present.”

Janice stared at him. Surely he didn’t mean he wanted them to fly somewhere tonight. “Now?”

Simon laughed, picked up the phone and handed it to her. “Call your parents.”

Now what the heck could she do? “Shouldn’t we at least have the date?” she asked.

“I have it. We’re getting married in six weeks, on your birthday. September first. Dial,” he said.

She sighed. Nothing to do but make the call. Janice waited while the phone rang, praying it wouldn’t be her mother who answered. But it was. Janice blew out her breath. “Mom, hi.”

“Mary Jo.”

Janice cringed at the way her mother said her name, making it a reprimand for her having changed it.

“I have some news, Mom.”

“You mean that you’re getting married? I heard it on the newscast and I saw you on that talk show.”

Janice waited a moment, counting, knowing what was coming.

“It’s nice that you remembered you had a family and called to tell us. I thought I’d have to read the entire thing in the paper.”

“I didn’t call to fight. I called to introduce you to Simon.”

“By phone?” her mother screamed. “You can’t even come home to introduce him?”

Janice glared at Simon and let out an overly-exaggerated sigh. “This is what you wanted,” she quipped as she handed him the phone and attempted to move away. He pulled her back into the shelter of his arms and smiled down at her.

“Mrs. Adams, how are you? I’m Simon Kohl, I’m sorry that we haven’t met formally or spoken sooner but…”

“Yeah, I understand. My daughter didn’t want you to meet us.”

Simon laughed easily. “Nothing so dramatic. She’s really been busy.”

“Too busy to come home for a visit, Mr. Kohl? Too busy to pick up the phone?”

He glanced down at Janice and saw the look in her eyes. She wanted to run away. For a moment he wished that he’d not forced this but it was the right thing to do. They were getting married; her family should be involved.

“Maybe that was my fault. I’ve kept her pretty busy. When you’re trying to spotlight an author, you have to strike while there’s momentum. Between writing and doing promotions you wouldn’t believe how little I get to see of her.”

“Well, it seems she’s been having a lot of time to spend on television and radio lately. I saw her on that talk show with Tommy.”

Simon heard the woman hesitate, then laugh a little.

“You do know Tommy, don’t you, Mr. Kohl?”

“I know him, Mrs. Adams. Janice has been working with him.”

“Did you know that I didn’t name my daughter Janice Lace? I named her Mary Jo. Guess she’s too good for that name.”

“Lots of writers use a pseudonym to protect their privacy.”

“From their family? No one wanted anything from her.”

“That wasn’t what I meant. I do apologize for keeping your daughter so busy and I would like to make up for that. I would like to bring your entire family here for a visit so that we can all get to know each other.”

Janice pushed away from Simon with so much force that she toppled backward. “No,” she said in a loud whisper, “not here.”

Simon shrugged; he was stuck. “I can put you up in the best hotel in town, the penthouse if you like, and you can live like royalty.”

“You want us to visit to get to know you?”

“Yes,” Simon said, “yes, I do.”

“Then why do you want to put us away from you in a hotel? I hear you live in a mansion. Why can’t we stay there? How many bedrooms do you have in that place?”

Simon grinned as he shrugged his shoulders again to let Janice know he didn’t have a choice. “Ten,” he answered honestly.