Marking Time (4 page)

The girls had a welcome-home party and made her favorite dinner of steak on the grill with baked potatoes and salad. They were so delighted to have her home that Clare got caught up in their excitement. But as the evening wore on, it became clear to her that nothing was right.

She began to have trouble swallowing her panic. Where was Jack? Would he really never again come bounding in from work full of passion and excitement, bursting to tell her about a design he’d finished, a client he’d landed, or a laugh he’d shared with Jamie?

How was it possible he didn’t live here anymore? Or that he’d shared this home, even temporarily, with another woman? How could he have married her? How did this happen? All the emotions she’d managed to keep at bay during the long months in the hospital surged to the surface. Her chest tightened, and she knew she was going to cry in front of the girls if she didn’t escape immediately.

Clare stood, and Maggie jumped up to get her crutches. “Thank you for the lovely dinner. Would you please excuse me?” She hobbled into the study and closed the door.

Maggie turned to her grandmother. “What’s wrong with her?”

“I think she’s just overwhelmed, honey.” Anna reached out to pat her granddaughter’s hand. “She’s got to get used to a lot of changes in her life.”

The phone rang, and Kate got up to answer it.

“Hi, Dad.” Kate glanced over at the others. “Yes, she’s home. It all went fine.” She held the phone to the side with her hand over the mouthpiece. “He wants to talk to Mom. Should I get her?”

“Let me.” Anna took the cordless phone from Kate. “Why don’t you girls start cleaning up?” She walked into the family room. “Hi, Jack. It’s Anna.”

“Hi, Anna. Is everything all right?”

“Everything’s fine, but I don’t think Clare’s up to chatting right now. Can I have her give you a call in a day or two?”

“Sure. I just wanted to make sure she has everything she needs. I could come by—”

Through the phone, Anna could hear a baby crying. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. She needs some time to get used to the way things are now, and having you here…”

“That’s fine, I understand.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’re right. I’ll stay away for a while. I’m glad she has you and the girls to lean on right now.”

“We’ll take good care of her. Don’t worry. It was good of you to call.”

“It’s good of you to still be so nice to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s just this whole thing, it’s so…well…I guess messy is the best word I can think of.”

“It’s bound to be for a while, but it’ll get better when you’ve all had some time to adjust. In the meantime, let her call the shots for now, okay?”

“Of course. Please let her know I called.”

“I will. By the way, congratulations to you and Andi. I hear you have two beautiful baby boys.”

“Thank you. I’m sure you can hear them raising a ruckus.”

“You’d better go. Take care of yourself, Jack.”

“Bye, Anna.”

Anna clicked off the phone and thought about the lovely young man her daughter had been married to. Clare still loved him so much. This whole situation would be easier if she could hate him or blame him for the end of what had been a beautiful marriage. But it wasn’t that simple. If it had been, Clare wouldn’t hurt like she did.

Clare didn’t leave her room again that evening.

At around ten, her mother knocked on the study door to check on her. “Are you all right?”

Clare looked up from the rocking chair where she sat with Frannie’s journal. “I’m fine. I’m sorry about earlier. I’ll talk to the girls in the morning.”

“There’s no need. They understand. Jack called to make sure you got home. I told him you’d call him in a day or two.”

“Thanks. I couldn’t deal with that tonight.”

“That’s what I figured. What’ve you got there?” Anna asked with a nod at the book.

Clare explained about the journal Frannie had kept. “It’s helping me to put some pieces together.”

“Do you think you should be looking at that tonight? You’ve had a difficult day.”

“It’s okay. I’ll see you in the morning, Mom. Thanks for everything. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Just holler if you need anything.”

“I will.”

Anna closed the door, and Clare went back to the journal, unable to resist feasting on Frannie’s words.

February 14

Jamie came over, bringing gifts as he always does. He’s forever dropping by to check on us, and he always has something for the girls. Today he brought them everything to make ice cream sundaes. He had roses for me, and the card said, “Thank you for all you’re doing to take care of my favorite girls. Love, Jamie.” I know I must have blushed fifty shades of red, but it was so sweet of him.

March 22

Maggie told me she’s made a new friend. She wasn’t sure how to tell her friend about what’s wrong with her mother. We had a long talk, but I could tell she’s still worried. When I began to notice the girls never bring their friends home anymore, I decided to talk to Jack about making some changes around here. It’s time to think about moving Clare somewhere else so the girls can have their home back. Broaching that subject makes me nervous, but he needs to hear it.

May 12

A year since Clare’s accident…

May 31

Today was moving day. Jack bought a condo on the beach for Clare about a mile from home. It was awful to watch them take her from the house she loved so much and to wonder if she’ll ever return. I thought Jack was sad before, but this is worse. He’s locked himself in his room, and I can’t think of anything I can do for him.

June 3

Jack has finally given up his daily vigil at Clare’s bedside and is refocused on the girls. Poor Maggie had so many questions for him. He did his best to help her understand that her mother isn’t going to get better, but it was agonizing for him—and for her. He’s making a real effort to reconnect with the girls, but it’s going to take some time. This weekend he’s taking them out to the island. They don’t really want to go, but he desperately needs to spend some time with them. I’ll be hoping it goes well for all of them.

June 17

Jack and the girls seem better since their weekend in Block Island. I’m not sure what happened when they were there, but they’ve been nicer to him and more accepting of his new role as their only parent. I’m glad for him—for all of them.

July 9

Jack finally went back to work today. Thank God.

Clare closed the book and held it to her chest. There’d been so much pain and heartache. It was like the man who attacked her had set off a tsunami in the lives of everyone she loved. Now that the water had finally receded, she felt as if she’d landed alone on an island with absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do next.

T
wo weeks after she got home, Anna drove Clare to an appointment with her psychiatrist, Dr. Richard Baker. He’d been working with her since she remembered being raped and had been instrumental in helping her to cope with all the changes in her life since her recovery.

He arrived five minutes late, seeming frazzled.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Clare.” He tossed his briefcase on the desk and shrugged out of his tweed sports coat. “I got called into a consult at the hospital.”

“That’s more important.”

He sat across from her with a pad of paper balanced on his knee. “I’m sorry we were unable to meet before you went home.”

She smiled. “I heard you were in Greece.”

“My wife surprised me with the trip for our thirtieth anniversary. I didn’t realize it would coincide with your release from the hospital. How’s everything going?”

She shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

“Just okay?”

“It’s very strange being home. Everything’s the same—but so different, too.”

He made a note on his pad. “Let’s talk about what’s different.”

“Well, Jill doesn’t live there anymore. She’s in college. Kate’s a high school graduate with a job and a car, so I hardly see her.”

“What about Maggie?”

“She’s been spending a lot of time at Jack’s house. There’s a lot of excitement there with the babies and all.”

He looked up with surprise. “They had the babies already?”

“They arrived a month early, in the midst of their parents’ wedding.”

Dr. Baker tapped his lip with his pen. “Wow. How do you feel about that?”

Clare shrugged. “I’m happy for them that everything went well.”

“That’s awfully generous of you. Hold that thought for a minute. Let’s go back to Maggie. What kind of custody arrangement have you worked out for her?”

“Nothing formal. We’ve been doing two nights on, two nights off, with a few deviations.”

“How does she get back and forth?”

“Jack usually drives her, but sometimes she comes with Kate.”

“So you see him often?”

“Most of the time just to wave to when he drops Maggie off. He’s giving me some space at the advice of my mother,” Clare said with a wry grin.

“Do you need the space?”

She looked down at her hands, which twisted back and forth in her lap, and nodded.

“You don’t want to see him?”

She shook her head and was stunned to realize she was going to cry.

“Clare?”

“I can’t stand being in that house,” she whispered as a fat tear rolled down her cheek. “I can’t
stand
it.”

“Because Jack’s not there?”

“Mostly that, but
no one’s
there. Well, my mother’s staying with me, but that’s not what I mean. Before all this, my life was about taking care of them. I had my job, but my priority was my family. I don’t seem to have a family anymore. My girls went and grew up in my absence, and they don’t need me anymore.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“They’re very self-sufficient. They make their own meals. They even do their own laundry.”

“I’m sure you know they’d be doing that by now, even if you hadn’t been ill.”

“Of course, but I missed the transition, so it just feels like another loss.”

“I’m sure it does, but you shouldn’t take that to mean they don’t need you. Do we ever fully outgrow our mothers?”

“I know I haven’t. I don’t know what I would’ve done without mine in the last few months.”

“Well, see? There you go. Give them some time to adapt to having you back in their daily lives. They’ll start to lean on you again.”

“I hope so.”

“What about Jack? What’re you feeling toward him now that you’re home?”

She felt new tears coming and fought a losing battle to contain them. “Being home has put a different spin on our divorce and everything that happened.”

“How so?”

“When I was in the hospital, I knew what was going on with him and Andi, but being back in the house we shared—the house he built for me—and realizing he’s never coming home again…” She shook her head. “It’s just been…very hard.”

He handed her a tissue. “Are you regretting your decision to let him go?”

“No.” She wiped her tears. “It was the right thing to do. I still believe that being with him when he wanted to be with someone else would’ve been worse than this. It’s just being in
our
place without him that’s so unbearable.”

“Have you considered moving? You could sell the house and relocate.”

She shook her head. “I can’t sell that house. I’ll never sell it.”

“Perhaps you could rent something for a couple of months. Like a transition place.”

“Maybe, but not until Kate leaves for Nashville.”

“It’s something to think about. I can’t see putting your recovery in jeopardy because of your environment. You can change that. Maybe you could even get something out of town for a while.”

“I can’t leave town. I can’t do that to Maggie.”

“Why not? What’s another couple of months if your recovery’s at stake? After all the time she had to be without you, I would think she’d want you to do whatever you had to so you can feel better. Her father could provide her with a stable home while you complete your recovery, right?”

“Of course.”

“Then maybe you ought to think about it. Just because the doctors were satisfied enough with your physical recovery to send you home doesn’t mean you were entirely ready up here.” He tapped his head. “Let me ask you this: have you gotten mad with him yet?”

“Mad?”

“With Jack.”

“Why would I be mad with him?”

Dr. Baker sat back in his chair and studied her. “Are you serious, Clare? Remember how angry you were when you first recovered and found out about Andi and the babies? Well, now he’s married to her and has two new sons with her.”

“Yes, but I’ve gotten past that.”

“Have you really? Most women whose husbands of twenty years divorce them for another woman are usually pretty ticked off about it. Add a couple of babies and, well, you get the picture.”

“It’s not like everything was normal, and he went off and had an affair. I was sick for a long time, and he met someone else. What good will it do me to be mad? What’ll that do for my kids?”

“How’s it going being stoic? Being the one who lost the most important person in her life and is quietly taking it while everyone else goes about their business? I think you’re good and filthy mad, and you have no idea what to do with it.”

She shook her head. “I don’t feel mad. I feel sad.”

“Which is also perfectly normal. Don’t get me wrong. I admire what you did. I think you probably did the right thing in the long run by letting him go. But don’t cheat yourself out of legitimate feelings. If you feel mad, be mad. If you feel sad, be sad. There’s only one way to the other side of this, and that’s straight through it. Denying any of your feelings will only make the journey longer.”

She nodded and twisted the tissue in her hands.

“I want you to think about a change of scenery. I’m worried about a setback if you remain in the house.”

“I’ll give it some thought.”

“Talk to Maggie. She might surprise you.”

She smiled. “I doubt she’d mind staying with her dad for a while. That’s where the action is these days.”