Maternity Leave (20 page)

The meeting started a little late because Sam, June’s subrogation speaker, brought donuts to the meeting. Sam is easily the biggest kiss-ass of the department, not only because he weighs 500 pounds, but also because his perfect day would be to hang out and discuss subrogation waivers with David. He is so big, the carpet beneath the chair in his office has disintegrated and all that’s left is concrete and a few strings of carpet attached to the wheels of his chair. I’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t so annoying.

While I was trying to discreetly stab a donut to determine if it was filled with white cream or lemon cream before committing, David began his set. “While you are all eating, I’d like to introduce our newest associate, Scott, to any of you that haven’t met him yet. Scott went to FSU, booooooo, go Gators!” David paused so that everyone could laugh and shout out their favorite college sports team. They didn’t disappoint.

Next, David turned to Scott and said, “Are you ready to sing the Johnson Smith fight song?” Once again, hilarity ensued until David said, “Just kidding, we don’t have a fight song.” Since this exchange with the new associate happens at least every other month as a result of the turnover at our firm, I quickly calculated that in my three-plus years at the firm, I had probably heard the fight song joke at least ten to twenty times, including the time it was directed at me at my first subrogation meeting.

I sat down with my chocolate-covered white cream donut as David said, “So Jenna, are you ready to give the presentation?” This is the part of the meeting where I’m supposed to freak out until David reassures me that it’s actually Sam’s month to present.

I gave David a blank stare, which he mistook for fear, then said, “Just kidding, it’s Sam’s week.”

“Oh,” I said, “is that why he brought donuts and a PowerPoint presentation?”

David glared at me. I interpreted it as a laugh-or-lose-your-job-glare, so I compromised and smiled. I felt like a complete sell-out.

Once David confirmed that he was hilarious, he moved on. “Did anyone do anything fun this weekend? I took Joseph to his painting competition. Scott, you’re new, but Joseph is my thirteen-year-old son. He is an extremely talented artist, also a swimmer and the most popular kid in his school. Anyway, he won first prize and one hundred dollars for his painting of Mesa Verde, which is where our family went on vacation last year. Have you ever been to Mesa Verde, Scott?”

Not this again. David gave us a thirty minute play-by-play of his trip to Mesa Verde when he returned from vacation last August. Fortunately, this time we only had to hear a ten-minute version for Scott’s benefit. I zoned out as the Mesa Verde discussion merged back into the Joseph the artist discussion. “…Joseph put the one hundred dollars in his savings account, where he puts his allowance each week. He’s really great with money. Joseph actually has everything going for him. My daughter is a pretty good kid, but she’s not a popular, athletic, overachiever like Joseph. Joseph has it all.”

David said this as though Joseph, never Joe or Joey, was a broker on Wall Street with a sports car and six-figure salary instead of an eight-year-old boy with an allowance and $100 in art money. I’d never met either kid, but based on David’s disapproval of his daughter, I figured we’d get along splendidly. As excited as I was about missing three subrogation meetings for my pregnancy, I feared I would miss the meeting where David explained to us that his daughter dropped out of college, got tattoos and piercings and eloped with a Goy. Surely it would happen one of these days.

Mercifully, he stopped talking, looked at Sam and said, “Are you ready?”

Sam pretended to be scared and said, “Man, I’m glad I prepared for this all weekend. I’m ready to go.”              

Sam’s presentation was about subrogation waivers. There are very few subrogation-specific areas of law, so we generally discuss subrogation waivers every three months or so. The PowerPoint presentation was a new development, which pissed me off. Why the hell was Sam raising the bar on a task that was already excruciating, not to mention entirely non-billable?

I zoned out. I always sit so I’m facing the window view of downtown Tampa and today I was treated to watching window washers in the next building. “Jenna, we have a case like that right?”

Oh shit. No clue what he’s talking about. Pull something out of your ass Jenna. “Yeah, the watchamacallit case.”

David said, “McDowell case.”

“Yes. The McDowell case,” I repeated.

“Does the waiver apply in that matter?”

“Yes. I plan to recommend closing it.”

“Really? I don’t know, I think it’s the perfect case. Even if it’s not, we should keep it open so that we can settle it after we set a precedent.”

We have this discussion monthly. David has a fantasy about taking a case about subrogation waivers to the Supreme Court. All he has to do is find the perfect factual case to make subrogation history. David finds it immaterial that all of his arguments have already been unsuccessfully litigated.

“Your case is perfect. It’s against Geico.” David laughed at his joke, setting off laughter throughout the room. Our firm represents Auto-Owners and Liberty Mutual. I’m not quite sure why these companies are so superior to Geico in the mind of David Greene, but he picks on Geico constantly. I guarantee he would sing a different tune if I disguised my voice and called David posing as the Geico subrogation director. There is no doubt that he would suck up and vie for my business.

At 9:56 Sam was still speaking. This was dangerous because David needs a certain amount of time to talk during each meeting. If the presenter uses up the balance of the hour after David’s opening act, we get stuck with a meeting that lasts six or seven minutes longer than necessary. I erred on the side of caution for my last presentation two months ago by preparing only eight minutes of material. Even after David added his “war stories” to my presentation, we were out at 9:48 a.m., a wild success in my opinion. At this rate, Sam’s presentation was going to spill over the one hour time allotted to subrogation meetings.

Sam finished speaking at 10:02 a.m. What an asshole. David said, “Thank you Sam. That was a great presentation. Before we go, does anyone have any cases they’d like to discuss with the group?”

Sam raised his hand. No way. Your monologue is over.

“Yes, Sam,” David said.

“I have a two million dollar case set for mediation this week, so keep your fingers crossed.”

“That’s great, Sam,” David said, as his eyes turned into dollar signs. “Anyone else?”

No one else raised their hand. I started to stand as David said, “Just so you guys know, I was recently honored by Who’s Who of American Subrogation Attorneys and it was reported in
Subrogator
Magazine.” It must have killed David to sit on that information for the entire meeting. A few people started clapping and giving their congratulations. Apparently, David thought this was a good note on which to end the meeting. He stood up, and we all followed suit. It was 10:04 a.m.

As I walked towards my desk, I felt a shadow. I turned my head and saw Sarah. I kept walking, but Sarah caught up to me and said, “I’m onto you.”

I played stupid. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not pregnant. You have the exact same zit on your chin and un-tweezed eyebrows as you did yesterday at the mall.”

“Thanks for noticing.” Surely I have a beauty mark she could have focused on.

“I also noticed the scar on your mouth when you smile.”

I do not recall smiling then and I sure as shit was not smiling now, but she had me. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Why are you faking a pregnancy? Do you feel left out because everyone else your age is pregnant? You’re not too old yet, you can still have kids.”

“I’m twenty-eight,” I said incredulously.

“I know,” Sarah said, looking at me with pity. “There are even women in their thirties having kids.”

“There’s women in their sixties that have kids, you should keep using birth control.”

“Ha ha. You can’t stay pregnant forever, sooner or later you’re going to have to face the fact that you don’t have a kid and won’t have one in July.”

“Let’s analyze me later. Are you going to tell David?”

“No, don’t worry,” Sarah said.

Sarah has worked for David for over twenty years. She doubles as his paralegal and fluffer; there is nothing she wouldn’t do for him. On the other hand, I am a total condescending bitch to her, so I was a bit skeptical that she would keep my confidence from David. There would be a catch.

“You know,” she said, “Andy and I broke up.”

It was three weeks since they’d met and one week since she’d told me they were in love. Still, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. She stared at me, begging me to ask her what happened. I was actually curious, as it was bound to be a great story, but I hated to behave in accordance with Sarah’s wishes. Nevertheless, I was a sport and asked her what happened, partly because I was trying to get on her good side and partly because I knew Sarah would tell me the story whether I asked her or not.

“He was just hot and cold, you know. Like he would tell me he was crazy about me, then he wouldn’t call for days, then he would text me and tell me he loved me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. It was so frustrating. Then I met Josh. I’m with Josh now. Andy blew it.”

“Good for you.” Please don’t tell me about Josh, please don’t tell me about Josh, please don’t tell me about Josh.

“You know Josh don’t you?”

“No, I don’t think I do.”

“He works for E-Copy.”

E-Copy is the in-house copy and shipping center for Johnson Smith. I know what most of them look like, but don’t know their names.

“He’s the young hot guy with the surfer hair and glasses.”

“The guy with the long black hair split down the center?” I said in disbelief.

“Yes!” Sarah said, “I call him my baby boy. I love hot young men.”

I couldn’t decide if I was more shocked by the relationship, or Sarah’s description of Josh. First, Josh was probably thirty-five years old, which was young compared to her sixty years, but hardly a baby. Second, he was not hot, though it was possible that he could be decent looking if he cut his hair and didn’t behave like a mass murderer. He speaks in a monotone voice and walks quickly with his hands in his pockets while staring at the ground. I’ve always gone out of my way to be nice to Josh because I’m quite sure he will walk into the office and open fire one day. By building a rapport with the freak, I hope to be spared on the day he blows.

“Good for you, Sarah,” I said.

“I just wanted you to know that if you were interested in Andy, he’s available now.”

“I’m good,” I said.

“In that case, I have a different guy for you.”

Yikes. “That’s okay,” I said.

“It would actually help me out a lot. See, my son still lives with me and this girl broke his heart and he hasn’t done anything but pine over her for weeks. He’s always there when Josh is over and it’s annoying. It would help me and him if you went out with him.”

This was worse than anything I could have imagined. I was ready to shell out money, clean her house and do all of her paralegal work, but dating her son was out of the question. “Sorry Sarah, I don’t think that will work out. Isn’t your son forty-something?”

“Yes, forty-two.”

“I’m twenty-eight. That’s a pretty big gap.”

“No it’s not. I’m sixty and I’m dating a thirty-six-year-old.”

Probably not the time to tell her how much that grosses me out. Was it really necessary for me to explain to this lady that a forty-two-year-old guy that lives with his mom is undatable and that, P.S., I would never date anyone with Sarah Smith blood coursing through his veins. I tried to be tactful and said, “Hmm. Sarah, I just don’t know if this is a good idea. I mean, maybe it’s too soon after having his heart broken.”

“It’s the perfect time. I actually think you and Tony would really get along. He was a cyclist when he was younger and he’s been getting back into it recently.”

“I don’t think it will work out Sarah,” I said again, more desperately this time.

“Jenna,” Sarah said glaring at me, “I would meet Tony if I were you.”

The threat was clear so I said, “Okay.” As the word came out of my mouth I was already thinking of how to get out of the situation.

My office phone rang, and I could tell by the caller I.D. that it was my dad, but I answered the phone in my work voice. “Hello, Jenna Rosen.”

“It’s me,” Dad said, “I thought you had caller I.D.”

“Yes, let me just pull that file up.” I covered the mouthpiece and told Sarah I had to take the call.

Once she left, I said, “Hi Dad. Sorry, I was trying to get someone out of my office.”

“Want to have lunch?”

“Yeah. It’s not too hot on my deck in the shade, let’s do lunch there at noon. Can you pick up sandwiches?”

“Sure.”

Just before I left for lunch, I received a junk mail email from a person trying to recover her sunglasses, which were stolen right off her desk. I added the email to the stolen goods file even though it wasn’t that spectacular. Other thefts at Johnson Smith included:

–I had a large umbrella next to my desk this morning with George Washington University on it and it is missing. I normally wouldn’t care, but it has sentimental value
(Interesting side note, it was raining the day this email was sent).

–Please let me know if you received a check in the amount of $245,000 from Casualty Company Southeast made payable to Johnson Smith.
(Oopsy Daisy).

–Missing green and blue Asian-style mug with hatch-mark relief. It has been missing for over a week. This is my favorite mug and is very special to me. I appreciate your assistance in having it returned.
(I’ll send you back one piece of the mug at a time until all of my demands are met).

–
The candy bars in the kitchen cost $1.00 each. My kid needs the money for his fundraiser and I don’t appreciate the person who ate the chocolate, filled the wrapper with paper towel, and put it back in the box to be sold.
(She attached a picture. The person did a decent job covering up the heist).