Maybe (15 page)

My boss can’t know, and I have to face her soon.

When I wait to board the plane back to Seattle that afternoon, I throw up in the bathroom and try not to cry while I hand the attendant my ticket.

Chapter Twenty-Two

From the Private Journal of Tyler Macy

Two weeks isn’t long enough.

Six weeks on a bus will feel like torture.

She says we won’t be allowed to touch or let anyone see, but I give her a week before she folds.

I’d bet on it.

—M

Chapter Twenty-Three

His voice is in my ear on my birthday. The bar is crowded, and my roommates are pulling me every which way to dance and drink. Maybe I’m not supposed to rely on all this to take my mind off what a shitty person I’ve become, but it helps me cope. Ethan has flown in for a shoot, and I can barely keep up with the guys he’s pointing at across the room because Tyler is telling me how much he can’t wait for me to come to Texas, and I’m fuzzy enough to repeat that I can’t wait either.

It’s the absolute truth, and I shouldn’t say it. At all.

“I have a present for you.”

“You don’t need to get me anything. I’m peachy, Mace Face.” The giggle that follows this statement is too high-pitched. I want to walk outside to hear him better, but I know I’ll get lost in the crowd.

“I’ll call you back.”

I figure it’s because the noise in the background is making it too hard to hear me, but as soon as I start to walk back to where Rachel and Daniel are standing, my phone vibrates with a new text.

My heart skips a beat, and it’s not because the floor beneath me is bouncing with the deep chords of some pop-rap combo. When his name lights up my screen again, I
do
push my way through the hordes of people and step out onto the sidewalk.

“You are the most evil person on the face of this earth.”

“Come on. Do you know how hot it will be to know you’re wearing this under your clothes while I’m onstage?” He pauses, and I press the phone closer to my ear so I don’t miss a word. “Do you want it?”

It’s an idiotic question that he’s asking. “Yeah.” It’s all I can say while I press my back against the cold bricks of the bar’s exterior. “Yeah, I want it.”

“Then I’ll be on the first flight out.”

Rachel knocks softly on my door, but I’m not in the mood to budge, so I wave my hand at her and say something along the lines of, “Shmeh.”

“You need to get up, birthday girl. There’s a surprise waiting for you in the living room.”

“Go away.”

“It’s big.”

“I don’t want it.”

“It has really nice hair that I want to cut.”

I sit up too fast, and my mouth is sticky from the previous night’s events. “Is it a boy?”

She purses her lips and her eyes widen. “No. It’s a
man
. A very recognizable man who we have
never
had a conversation about.”

The air in the room is stale, and I feel like shit. This is not the way I wanted this to happen. “Can you tell him to wait while I clean up?”

Rachel shrugs and opens the door wider. “I’m sure I can find a way to keep him occupied.”

I take a shower that lasts almost forty-five minutes, which is sure to piss off my roommates. Hot water isn’t unlimited in this place. The nausea has settled, and I can see clearly when I round the corner while drying the ends of my hair.

“No, no.” I’m stuttering, looking at Tyler sitting in the middle of our tiny kitchen, cape on and head tilted down while Rachel uses a trimmer to clean the edges of his new haircut. The buzzing stops momentarily while Rachel puts a hand on her hip and points the thing at me.

“You said to keep him busy.”

“I said ask him to
wait
. Not cut his hair before the tour.”

He looks up and brushes the light brown hairs from his shoulder. “I came in, but you were taking a shower. I made your bed and opened the windows . . . and then I didn’t have anything better to do. She offered.”

I hold my towel aloft and shake it. “You didn’t have to do that.”

His chin drops a little toward his chest, and he looks up again. “Maybe I wanted to see your room.”

Rachel removes the cape and cleans his neck with a little towel, and he stands, his height dwarfing her. Tyler looks like the world should bow at his feet if he said the word.

“Do you want to see my room again? We could talk. You know, about the tour and business things.”

Rachel rolls her eyes and pulls out a broom. “Daniel’s out for a few. I’m going to go . . . get some coffee or something.” She pats Tyler on the back. “No charge.”

When I hear the door click shut, my shoulders relax. “You’re playing a dangerous game flying out here. We’re supposed to be undercover, remember?”

He steps closer and takes up all the space around me, reaching up to place his hand on his favorite spot below my ear. “No one’s here, though. We couldn’t be more undercover if we tried.” When he leans down to kiss me, all I can see is how bright his eyes are. He likes the challenge.

My hair is soaking into my shirt, but it doesn’t matter when he walks me backward into my room. The bed bounces when we land, and I feel something sharp against my back, the sound of crinkling paper prompting me to reach under and pull out a blue bag.

There’s no tissue paper, and I’m sure this is why Tyler came all this way. He sits while I pull myself up and place the bag in my lap. I’ve seen what’s in there, but holding it in person makes me light up from the inside. It’s a white underwear set.

With a Blow Pop emblem on the panties.

“How the hell did you find these?”

He’s hovering again, hands braced on the mattress while his focus goes to my lips. “It’s amazing what you can find when you search Blow Pops on the Internet. You should try them on—you know, to see if they fit.”

“I’m sure that’s why you flew out here. To see if they fit.”

He moves closer. “Well, we know other things fit.”

“I miss the suckers, you know.”

He smiles a little. “I’m trying to quit.”

Before our lips meet, there’s banging on my front door. I jump a little, barely avoiding slamming my face into his. “I have to get that.”

“Do you?” He quirks a brow and brushes my thigh.

The knocks get louder, and it’s killing the mood, so I duck underneath his arm and rush to the door, half-expecting someone selling cookies. I will be
so
pissed.

Ethan launches himself into the apartment, grabbing me in a tight hug. He’s squealing, and I have to grip his hair to ground myself. His nose is pressed to my boobs, and he makes a sound that reminds me of a leopard. When he drops me to my feet, he holds my face in his hands and gives me a huge sloppy kiss on my forehead.

“I got these for you.” He thrusts a bouquet of roses in my hand and pivots quickly into the kitchen to open the refrigerator door. “You’ll never believe what happened last night after you left.”

I’m staring at him with a smile on my face, prepared to hear him tell me about the guy he hooked up with after I came home, but before I can ask him to start the story, my front door slams so hard the walls shake.

Ethan’s eyes go wide, and his skin pales. “Did we just experience an earthquake?”

I place the flowers on the counter quickly and all but run for the door. I’m barely able to catch a glimpse of Tyler before the elevator doors close. It’s awful taking the stairs, but it’s the only way I can beat him to the lobby. My knee keeps me from going as fast as I can, so he’s almost out the door and onto the street.

He’s a good five hundred feet away when I scream his name. I know he hears me because his shoulders stiffen, and he turns his head a fraction before walking across the street. I yell again and try to keep up, but he’s so tall that one of his strides is three of mine.

I’m not out of shape, but following him is making me winded, and I stop to catch my breath before I yell at him one more time. “Where are you going?”

The way he spins around and closes the distance between us is unexpected. When he reaches me, his fists are clenched by his sides. “Where am I going? Home, Emily.”

“Come back to the apartment. Why are you so upset?”

“Did you lie to me?”

“About
what
?”

“About what? About that back there. Did it start before Austin or while you were there?”

I have to blink while I try to make sense of the angry bitterness that is seizing his body. “Come back to the apartment.”

“No. You want to talk? We talk here. Ethan?
Really
? I’d say I’m surprised, but if I remember correctly, the two of you were pretty close back in Texas. Holding hands and all that shit. I won’t be an idiot twice.”

“Twice. Would the first time be your ex? Are you finally ready to talk about it now?” I frown as I cross my arms over my chest. “What the hell did she
do
to you? Why are you
like
this?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t assume you know everything about me.”

I think that if he had something to punch, he would, and now I understand why the trash can went flying down the alley a year ago. “I guess you’re right. I
don’t
know what I’m talking about. So maybe you
should
go. I didn’t sign up for this shit.” This is too hard and confusing, and I don’t want to waste my time anymore.

His words are ferocious. “What do you want to hear? Is this where I give my story? Let me break it down in points like my therapist taught me. Addie said she was pregnant and that I needed to stop the band shit. I didn’t want the baby, but she did. Then we went to hear the heartbeat, and when there wasn’t one, she blamed me because I didn’t want it. I didn’t care enough, so my baby died. I’m a shitty person, right?”

“Jesus, Tyler.” My stomach is in knots listening to him.

He’s practically spitting while he finishes. “Wait, it gets better. It wasn’t even
mine
. She was fucking my best friend, and it was his. She told me after I found them in
our
bed.” He’s breathing heavy, and I can see his knuckles turning white. “Is that
enough
for you?”

I want to cry because it’s possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever made someone confess in my short career, but I’m not going to. He doesn’t want my pity. “I’m sorry. I am
so
sorry that happened to you. But I’m not Addie. Ethan? He came over to tell me about the
guy
he went home with last night.” I can’t wipe the tears from my eyes because it feels like giving in. “But if you can’t trust me even a little bit, then being with you on that bus for the next six weeks is going to be hell for both of us. I believed what you said last week. Even though you’ve had every opportunity, I believed you. And you’re
somebody
. I’m nobody.”

His shoulders relax, and he closes his eyes. “You’re not a nobody. If you were nobody, would I have told you all that? Would I be here?” I can see his jaw tensing, and he does that thing with his hair again. “I’m sorry I blew up at you. I haven’t had a cigarette today.” His eyes grow soft while he looks down at his feet, even though the tension is still apparent in his shoulders. “You can’t blame me for it. I just got you back. I’m really fucked up because of all this, but I’m
trying
.”

I take a tentative step forward and brush my fingers against his cheek to let him know I understand. “I’m trying, too. In six weeks, we’ll figure everything out. Okay?”

When his eyes meet mine, there’s the faintest glimmer of hope. “It won’t go by fast enough. I can’t believe I have to pretend you’re not with me.”
 

My heart beats and flutters in my chest. The thought hadn’t even occurred to me.
 

“You’re with me, right?”

“Of course. Just . . . hold on, okay? Just hold on.” I think maybe he does need me, even if he won’t admit it. Maybe not the way he said he needed me back in Austin, which was all about the music. Now he needs me to show him that not every woman is like his ex. To help him trust again.

Or maybe I’m just a complete fool. There’s only one way to find out, though.

“Should we go back so I don’t look like an asshole? Ethan’s probably still there.”