Me and Mr. Write (11 page)

I start to t
hink about the women in my past. I’ve never had anything serious before, Sasha is the most serious thing I’ve had and that’s only because we’ve been at it so long. Maybe that’s the answer, a good old fashioned lifelong fuck buddy! I mean Sash and I are mates, we have a laugh, well we used to. And the sex is good, really good! Yeah ok it’s nothing like it is with Rosie but she’s wild at least and willing to let me do pretty much anything, and she is sexy as hell.

Maybe that’s where I went wrong,
I’m just not relationship material. I thought I could do it and gave it a good go but I’m destined to fuck it up one way or another so its best that I just cut my losses now and get back to the old me. Rosie will hurt for a bit but she’s strong, she’ll bounce back. I’ll miss her of course but I’ll move on.

She’s changed me. I don’t look at other women now; I make more effort to ring and visit Dad and do all the ‘responsible’ things that I’ve always neglected. I’ve never got jealous in the past when Sasha fucked other people because it didn’t matter, and yet here I am in a state because Rosie goes to a strip club, even though I know full well she wouldn’t dream of cheating on me. I don’t recognise myself now.

Lost in my internal dialogue
I just keep running. I have no idea how long I’ve been going or where I’m heading but I turn left and come to a stop in front of a Georgian property. I head up the stairs; I am breathing hard and sweating as I press the buzzer for flat four.

“Hello” the voice is muffled through the intercom,

“It’s me, let me in” I grip the door handle ready to pull it open the second it’s released, I need to do this now before I talk myself out of it,

“Jackson, is that you?” I’m getting annoyed that it’s taking so long for her to let me in; “I have company!”

“
Sasha that has never stopped you before! Open the door” I hear the buzz and click and I pull the door, letting myself in and heading for the stairs. When I get to Sasha’s door I cross paths with the guy she’s just kicked out at my command, he throws me a look that tells me he’s had his fun now anyway as he heads down the stairs.

Sa
sha is wrapped in a silk kimono. Her hair is not as perfect as usual and the flush in her cheeks tells me she’s freshly fucked, hence the satisfied look on her former guest’s face.

“Where’s the lovely Rosie then Jackson, she won’t be happy that you’re here!” I can hear the sarcasm in Sasha’s voice as I head into her kitchen an
d help myself to some water. If I do this then that’s it, I can’t go back. I steady myself and head back into the living room, Sasha is now sitting on her sofa, her bare legs exposed as the split of her kimono gives way to gravity.

It strikes me that while she looks hot, I’ve never really been what I’d call ‘attracted’ to Sasha. She’s just a great looking girl that’s willing to get naked for me.
As I look at Sasha sitting there, looking at me with the same wanton look that I’ve seen a thousand times, I panic.

Blood rushes to my head and I feel dizzy, what the hell am I doing?

I sip at my water again and put the glass down on the table, I tell myself that I’m doing the right thing and without thinking too long on it, I quickly move toward the sofa. I kneel over Sasha, pinning her back against the arm of the sofa and I kiss her, without hesitation. For a moment I’m lost, my eyes are closed and my brain isn’t functioning as it should. The blood in my body has rushed south and Sasha immediately reacts by reaching for the waistband of my trousers, I am snapped back into the real world,

“No!” I gasp and push back, “W
hat the hell am I doing?” I stand up and scratch the back of my head. I realise that I’m in self-destruct mode again just like I was when I slept with the blonde in Thailand. Rosie forgave me once, she won’t forgive this.

“
Jackson please don’t stop!” Sasha pleads as she pulls open her kimono to expose her breasts in the hope that I'll resume my previous position, but all I see is that she has put weight on. That’s the thought that crosses my mind when a beautiful woman exposes herself to me, ‘
my god, she’s had a few too many pies
’ I can’t stifle the laugh that escapes me,

“I’m a
dickhead!” I shake my head and look up to see Sasha wrapping the robe around herself, embarrassed, “Sash, I’m sorry. I was using you to try and ruin my relationship and it was out of order, I’ve gotta go!”

“Jackson wait
! If you’re not happy with Rosie don’t go back to her. I’m here and you know as well as I do that she’ll never really give you what you need or you’d be with her now, not me” Sasha stands and comes over to where I’m standing, looking me in the eyes she goes on, “Please, you and I could have something good!”

This is the first time that Sasha has ever admitted that she wants more and
I’m stunned. She’s had years of practice at pretending we’re just a bit of fun for each other, even though I’ve always known she had feelings for me.  That was part of the game for me, seeing how long she’d pretend it didn’t hurt seeing me with other women. I shouldn’t have led her on all these years, but I didn’t really care how she felt as long as I was getting my end away, I knew that every time she told me about some bloke she’d shagged or let me hear her having sex while I was in the next room, that she was trying to provoke jealousy in me, but it never worked. I thought I was incapable of becoming jealous, until today.

“Sasha, I’m sorry. I love Rosie. I’ve got to go” I walk to the door before t
urning to say one more thing, “We can’t be friends any more Sash” I see Sash hang her head as she accepts the end of our friendship, and I leave.

I can’t believe I nearly shagged Sasha
! Why was that my first thought after our row to run to someone else?  If Rosie does take me back after this am I going to rush straight to the bed of another woman every time we fall out? It doesn’t matter now anyway, I’m going to tell her about what happened with Sasha in Thailand and about today, and she won’t forgive that.

I can’t bear the thought of going back to flat and
seeing all traces of Rosie gone. I consider going to Rafael’s but Rosie might be there, and even if she isn’t she will have spoken to Rafe by now and I don’t think I’m ready for that confrontation. I just need to clear my head. I walk away from Sasha’s flat devastated that just two days ago the future was all laid out in front of me, happy future full of love. Now I’m alone again. I head into the nearest pub knowing that if it wasn’t already, my relationship is now over.

I’ve been alone in Jackson’s flat all day. He doesn’t have his phone and hasn’t been home since he stormed out this morning. It’s getting dark and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. It’s his birthday tomorrow and I can’t bear the thought of not waking up with him when he turns thirty.

He sounded as though we were finished
when he left so he probably won’t want me here when he gets back, but if he’s calmed down and I’m not here, he might think that I’ve given up on us. So I decide to do a little of both, I pack up anything of mine from his flat into two bags and put them by the door, a clear indication that I’m ready to go if he wants me to. Then I wait, and I’ve been waiting for hours…

At
just after six fifteen I hear the key in the lock and my heart leaps into my throat, I don’t know what to expect. Jackson opens the door and pauses for a moment when he sees the bags; he looks at me before turning to close the door.

“Y
ou’re still here.” It’s a statement not a question and I stand to leave, hearing disappointment in his voice at the sight of me; my heart starts to break, “Wait Rosie, I didn’t mean it to sound like that. I’m glad you’re here, but we need to talk.”

Tears fall
from my eyes before I can muster the power to stop them, and as I have been for a large part of the day, I’m sobbing. Jackson rushes to hold me and when I look up at him I notice that his eyes are almost as wet as mine,

“Rosie, I love you, but
let’s talk!”

My heart is in pieces as I sit and Jackson sits next to me on the sofa, our short but sweet relationship is coming to an end because of my insecurities. I am furious with myself and with Jackson for not fighting harder. He holds my hand and takes a deep breath before lowering the axe,

“We’re good together me and you, we just fit” he squeezes my hand
and I am confused by his words, “But we’re also terrible together, we fight and pick at each other, and you’re never going to trust me”

“I do tr…” I interrupt but he cuts me off,

“You’re right not to trust me Rosie” Jackson looks down at our joined hands and takes a deep breath, I am nervous to hear what will follow that last statement.

“W
hen I got scared in Thailand, my first instinct was to push you away the best way that I know how, by fucking someone else. Today, when I felt rejected and jealous, I got scared again of how different my life is now, and will continue to be. I went to see Sasha”

I pull my hand away and look intensely into Jackson’s
eyes; I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “I’ve been sitting alone in your flat, waiting for you, and you were fucking her?” I am in shock, and it’s audible,

“No Rosie, you’re getting it wrong, please let me finish. I didn’t sleep with Sasha, but I was going to. I thought it would just be easier to stick with what I had with her than keep trying to make this work, but I couldn’t do it. I love you,
and even if we’re not together I can’t be with anyone else”

Jackson takes my hands again and I am frozen, trying to process his confession, “But I kissed her Rosie, you need to know that, then I realised what I was doing and
I stopped. I ended my friendship with her. I know you won’t forgive me but you needed to know. I needed to be honest”

“And…”
I ask, staring blankly ahead.

I
t’s now or never, those glances between them at the wedding and her comments regarding the past when I confronted her, I need to know what they were about,

“I know that there’s more
” I take my hands away and can’t bear to look at him, I can feel him watching me, trying to work out what he needs to say, “Just tell me the truth Jackson”

After a long pause and a few deep breaths, Jackson tells me a story that I wasn’t prepared for, and it makes my blood boil. He tells me about how Sasha pounced on him in his sleep
and that he was dreaming that he was having sex with me when he woke to realise it was her. How he’s sorry for lying to me when I asked him outright if he’d slept with someone in Thailand, how he knows that he should have told me all of this before now but he was scared, he couldn’t bear to lose me.

He sounds frantic, desperate to make me understand
… but I am furious.

“W
hat she did is sick Jackson! And you continued a friendship with her!! You made me apologise for accusing you of being unfaithful in Thailand, but I was right”

Before I know it I am pacing the floor in
Jackson’s flat, shushing him every time he tries to speak, “You were so friendly with her at the wedding, after what happened do you really think that was appropriate? Stroking her arm, turning your back on me at dinner to talk to her?”

“I was just
trying to keep her sweet Rosie. She’s a vindictive bitch when she wants to be and I didn’t want to rub her up the wrong way and have her tell you. She’d have twisted it all to make it sound more than it was”

“
You’re an idiot Jackson! She gave the game away with the looks and the comments, and you made it worse by letting all that happen in front of me. I need to think.” He opens his mouth to respond but I hold up my hand to tell him again to shut up, “Don’t Jackson!”  and then I come to a stop. I take a deep breath before looking Jackson in the eye for the first time in what feels like hours,

“Where does she live?” I ask, sounding much calmer than I feel,

“Rosie, I’m not going to tell you where she lives so that you can go over there.” He stands and walks towards me and my whole body tenses with the proximity, he continues “She’s not a problem anymore Rosie, forget her!”

“FORGET HER! Are you serious? She
practically raped you Jackson! I’m either going over there to fucking kill her or I’m calling the police!” I am so angry that I’m physically shaking when Jackson takes a firm hold of my arms,

“
Calm Down Rosetta! You’re not going over there and you’re not calling the police. It’s done” He is holding my arms so tightly that it’s starting to hurt, and he is raising his voice in a way that sounds angrier than I thought him capable of, “She’s not a fucking issue so drop it! We need to talk about us Rosie!”

H
e looks me in the eyes and must see a slight look of fear in my eyes as he releases his grip on my arms and steps back, “I’m sorry, but we need to sort this out”

I know he’s right.
I don’t know how I feel or where we stand. I move to the sofa and sit calmly and quietly, Jackson sits back down next to me. Neither of us speak for a few moments, I think he is waiting for me to take the lead but I need to process and make sure that whatever comes out of my mouth next is correct, I’m certain that our future as a couple hangs on it. I speak, calmly and with firm intent,