Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (24 page)

4.
 Darren gets dropped off at Krista's (after Shabbat dinner, which Rachel didn't come to). Krista's parents are nowhere to be found, but about twenty-five other kids are. Krista's parents have a well-stocked liquor cabinet. By 10:24 p.m. Darren is sitting right outside the upstairs bathroom, listening to Rachel puke up deep-dish pizza.

5.
 Darren meets Rachel and Krista at Old Orchard Mall. The mall is lame, Krista is lame, Rachel is lame. She wants to hold his hand, which just feels stupid for some reason. He starts pretending that he is sicker than he is. Gets picked up. Spends the rest of the evening figuring out how to not have to see her again while she's in town, as well as how to officially (and finally) break up with her.

6.
 Darren meets Rachel and Krista and like eight other kids at a bowling alley. Rachel is nice but not that nice. After they return their shoes, Rachel walks him over to the air-hockey machine, where she tells him she has a boyfriend back in Minneapolis. They French-kiss one last time, who knows why.

3
Items on Nate's To-Do List for Today, According to Nate

1.
 Rock out a little bit with Captain BassMaster, a.k.a. Little Brother, a.k.a. D. Jakes

2.
 Look for a job. Hooray!

3.
 Something, anything, other than go to therapy with Dad

6
(or Maybe Just 4) Advantages to Having Nate Around

1.
 He makes Darren laugh a lot.

2.
 Sometimes they'll do stuff together on the weekends, like go bowling or see a movie or drive to some cool neighborhood in the city and just walk around.

3.
 About once a week or so Nate will come up to Darren and for no reason call him a “monster” or a “total beast” or an “imposing physical specimen” and then sort of force Darren to wrestle. Not exactly wrestle, more like grapple. Just their hands and arms and stuff. Which is somehow fun and sort of feels good, partially because Darren is definitely stronger than Nate overall at this point, even though Nate's hands are crazy strong.

4.
 They jam a couple times a week and will probably put Oblivion back together as soon as Nate finds a drummer who doesn't totally bite.

5.
 Nate makes it so Darren doesn't have to be alone with their mom or dad so much. Though this one can be a disadvantage, too, since Nate isn't a minor anymore, meaning he can totally ignore all the custody arrangements that apply to Darren. Plus, Nate can be pretty difficult with both of their parents, meaning that sometimes it's actually better when he's not around.

6.
 In some ways, Nate is the one person in the world (maybe even including Zoey) who Darren most wants to be with, meaning when Darren heard that Nate had to leave U of M he was kind of psyched at first. And sometimes just having him around does feel good. But it's definitely pretty complicated, too.

Because, for instance, on the day Nate finally came home for good, he and their mom had about nine different fights, the last and biggest one of which was about some new “rules” she said that she and Darren now follow (even though Darren had never heard of them). When the fight was over, their mom left Nate's room, stormed down the hall, slammed her door, and didn't come out again until the next morning. Nate fell back onto his bed, put his pillow over his face, and shouted into it, “I fucking hate my life!”

Darren laughed a little when Nate did this, but when Nate removed the pillow and sat up quickly, Darren got a really good look at his face and somehow realized right away that it actually wasn't funny at all. And so having Nate around can also be a disadvantage, because the new Nate can be kind of lame compared to the old one.

4
Questions His Mom, Who's in the Middle of a Conference Call, Writes Out on a Notepad When Darren Comes Down to Say Hi to Her

1.
 
Feeling any better?

2.
 
Dinner 6:30 okay?

3.
 
Tilapia or salmon?

4.
 
Want to invite anyone?

4
Answers Darren Writes on This Same Notepad

1.
 
Not really

2.
 
Sure

3.
 
Tilapia

4.
 
No

2
Bits of Advice Nate Gives Darren about “the Ladies” While They're Tuning Their Instruments

1.
 You should rock that Rachel girl's world. Because it's pretty clear that honey is coming all the way from the Twin Cities for some sweet loving. Like how many dudes your age are there in Minneapolis, but she's still coming here to see you? I mean, c'mon.

2.
 You need to get over Zoey, man.

4
Supporting Points Nate Makes in Order to Convince Darren of Point #2, Which He Presents Using a Lettered, Not Numbered, Format

A.
 You guys were never even boyfriend and girlfriend.

B.
 She's not effing here anymore, my man.

C.
 She's totally mental.

D.
 If she were half as into you as you're into her, she would have contacted your ass by now. I mean, she might be at some therapeutic rehab boarding school for social dimwits, but it's not like they sent her to Guantanamo. At the least, she would write you. Think about it.

3
Reasons Why Nate and Darren Sound Kind of Awesome When They Jam Together

1.
 Nate has a pretty good voice, even though he does this weird falsetto thing from time to time. Which he can almost pull off, but it's still sort of unnecessary. Plus his guitar solos can kind of wind up all over the place. But even though he's not perfect, Nate's really good overall. He probably has more natural talent than Darren does. Darren practices a lot more, obviously, and is technically way better at this point, but that's not all that matters. Because Nate's definitely a natural performer. He could be a great front man someday, maybe because of his charisma or whatever, which makes up for the sloppiness and everything. Like if they ever were a real band and someone made a music video of them, then Nate would be the one on-screen most of the time. Which is fine with Darren, as long as that means they're an actual band.

2.
 Darren is a pretty excellent bassist at this point. In fact, playing the kind of songs they play together when they jam is super easy for Darren compared to the stuff the jazz ensemble plays. All he has to do is kind of focus on a steady rhythm, since the keys and chord changes are really basic. But he doesn't mind this, because the steadier he plays, the harder it is for Nate to get lost when he goes totally nuts, which he definitely does about every other song. The truth is they sound their best when Nate is just about to get lost but doesn't. And so that's kind of how Darren thinks of his job when they're playing. Tie your bass-playing around Nate's ankle so he doesn't totally go off the deep end.

3.
 More than anything, Darren can tell that he and Nate have chemistry, probably because they're brothers. Whatever the reason, having real chemistry is huge. In fact, in some ways chemistry matters more than anything else when it comes to music. And so if they could just find a decent drummer, they might wind up being a pretty kick-ass band.

3
Commands Not Related to Music Darren Repeatedly Gives Himself While They're Jamming

1.
 Don't get over Zoey if you don't want to.

2.
 Remember that even though you weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend, you did stuff that even some boyfriends and girlfriends don't do. Not to mention she pretty much said you are her match, as in her interplanetary match. And if she hadn't disappeared, which probably wasn't her long-term plan, you'd have a good chance of being boyfriend and girlfriend right now.

3.
 So just write her a letter already. Today. Otherwise how is she going to know, and how are you going to find out what she'll do once she knows? Because if Grace is right and Zoey really doesn't have a phone or a computer or anything, then she might have no idea you've been trying to reach her, and so maybe she's been dying to contact you this whole time but hasn't, since she thinks you hate her for how she left and everything.

8
Exchanges in a Brief Back-and-Forth Darren Holds with Himself Right After Saying Bye to Nate, Who May or May Not Actually Be Going Out to Look for a Job

1.
 Know what?

2.
 Huh?

3.
 What is she going to know if you write her?

4.
 I don't know.

5.
 Well, you better figure that out.

6.
 Leave me alone.

7.
 Seriously, what's she going to know?

8.
 Shut up.

3
Characters (2 Probably Fictional, 1 Definitely Real) Darren Thought about on Yom Kippur Just a Couple of Weeks Ago, the First Two of Which Are Then Maybe Responsible for Him Not Getting Over the Third

1.
 JONAH

It had been a couple of years since Darren had been to synagogue, even for the High Holidays. They used to go, but then they just kind of stopped for some reason. Like his bar mitzvah was some kind of terminal act as far as being Jewish goes. Only this year, his mom pretty much insisted. Nate refused, in an actually not-that-dickish way (“Look, Mom, I totally get you're really into this, but I'm just not, trust me. I promise to atone today. Seriously, I mean it, just not there, okay?”). Darren wanted to refuse, but in the end he couldn't. Because his mom more or less pleaded with him to come with her, saying stuff like, “It would mean a lot to me.”

And just like he thought, it was painfully boring. As in physically painful. Darren and his mom sat right in the middle of their row, which was pretty close to the front, too, and whatever they were doing up there seemed pretty serious. But the seats were uncomfortable and the service just seemed to go on forever. After the first twenty minutes, Darren struggled to get his body to cooperate whenever the rabbi asked everyone to stand up, which seemed much too often. Not to mention the italics in the prayer book, all those stupid sentences he was supposed to read aloud with the nine thousand other suddenly Jewish Jews gathered there.

But his mom, man alive, she was way into it. It wasn't like she was swaying or crying or beating her chest or speaking in tongues, it was more that she wasn't at all distracted, like she was so on board with the Yom Kippur program that it didn't even occur to her to wonder what the point of the whole thing was. Darren had absolutely no idea himself, but he kind of realized he might make it lame for her if he got up and left. It had to end at some point. Meanwhile, Nate was probably smoking up at home and listening to some Indian music and reading about Buddha, which maybe wasn't all that ridiculous compared to this.

Just when he thought he was actually going to lose his mind, the rabbi, in his white robe, got up to give a sermon. He started talking about Jonah, and Darren, just as a change of pace, tried to pay attention. But he only lasted about two minutes, because there was something about how the rabbi was talking that made Darren wonder if he was, in fact, speaking English. But at least these two minutes were long enough for him to learn around where in the Bible the story of Jonah is.

So Darren grabbed one of the heavy copies of the book version sitting in the shelf/pocket attached to the back of the pew in front of him. It took about five minutes to find the story, which he then skimmed in English. Weird stuff.

Jonah was kind of a coward, that was pretty clear. God said, “Go over there and tell the people something,” but Jonah just went somewhere else. Then he got on this boat, at which point God kind of gave Jonah (along with everyone else on the boat) the old “you can run, but you can't hide” treatment. Meaning there was a big storm, with huge waves and everything. And at first, Jonah seemed to think,
Whatever.
Because while everyone else is freaking out on deck, he goes down inside the boat to take a nap.

At which point the other dudes on the boat are like, “Hey, what's with that guy?” Or something like that. They cast lots, not clear why exactly. But whatever the reason, Jonah (of course) draws the short stick. And they're like, “Yup, he's why we're all about to drown.” So then Jonah, somehow deciding to stop being a little selfish bitch, tells them, “Toss me overboard.” Why he suddenly started thinking about someone other than himself, who knows. But he did.

So they did, they tossed him overboard. And the storm stopped. Which would maybe seem like the end of the story, assuming some little ship came to save Jonah or something. Like, wouldn't God have made his point by then? Only then the whale showed up.

2.
 THE WHALE

Which was actually just a “big fish” in the version Darren read. The rabbi, Darren noticed, kept talking about “those three days.” Meaning the days Jonah spent inside the whale. “Why three days?” the rabbi asked, really emphasizing his confusion about the whole thing. “Wouldn't, oh, fifteen minutes inside the belly of a whale be more than enough for anyone to get the point?” Some people laughed. “Only what was the point?”

Darren thought to himself,
Yeah, what was the point?
So he kept reading. The story got extra weird around that part. Darren decided to see if the rabbi knew, which of course he did. Or at least he pretended he did.