Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (27 page)

4.
 Is this all some kind of sign?

5.
 Some kind of plan?

6.
 Why do you continue to fear turning left?

7.
 Can't you see that this green arrow has been installed at this intersection in order to facilitate and simplify just this very maneuver?

8.
 Who is this Rachel person?

9.
 And what about Zoey?

10.
 And why does this cold medicine make it feel like two small lead balloons have been inflated below your cheeks?

11.
 How many distinct and separate things are wrong with you at this very moment?

2
People and Their Respective Positions on an Invisible Spectrum Labeled “Degree of Knowledge Concerning Rachel and Darren's Relationship”

1.
 Darren—the left edge, which is for those who know just about everything there is to know

2.
 His mom—the right edge, which is for people who don't even know they have a relationship

4
Objects or Entities Darren Is Thankful Require His Attention during His Mom's On-Again, Off-Again Interview of Him (an Interview That Might Be Titled “So Who Is This Rachel Girl, Exactly? I Don't Remember You Mentioning Any Rachel before Today.”)

1.
 The stop light at Church and Crawford

2.
 The shiny blue pickup truck pulling out in front of him

3.
 The police car driving ominously in the other direction

4.
 The squirrel with a death wish just a couple of houses from Krista's

5
Developments That Freak Darren Out a Little Bit to a Lot a Bit within Twenty Seconds of Their Arrival at Krista's

1.
 Rachel (bag in hand) is already waiting in front of the house with a man who must be Krista's father.

2.
 Rachel hugs Darren in a way (long and tight and unmistakably audible) that likely reveals to his mom (busy introducing herself to Krista's father, but more than capable of multitasking in this instance) that none of the information she acquired during their recent interview should be considered even remotely reliable.

3.
 This hug feels kind of good, especially for the part of him that is ill, as if Rachel contains healing properties.

4.
 And even though thankfully she doesn't try to kiss him (he had his “I'm pretty sure I have a cold” excuse ready, just in case), he realizes that he maybe wouldn't be opposed to such a thing, assuming his mom (and Krista's dad) were someplace else.

5.
 Someone (e.g., Krista, probably) moans from somewhere up on the second floor, because a couple windows are open up there, who knows why.

1
Additional Development That Freaks Darren Out More Than a Little Bit and So Deserves to Be Mentioned Separately

1.
 Rachel has dyed her hair black. And cut it short. Holy shit. It looks really good. Really, really good.

3
Features of Rachel's Face Newly Framed by This Inviting Yet Daunting Hairdo

1.
 Her large green eyes, which now seem a little magical, like if she were capable of casting a spell, these eyes would probably get even a little greener right when she was doing that.

2.
 The wideness of her cheeks, which almost seem to be actively pushing out against the edges of her hair.

3.
 Her steady smile and the slight, slight gap between her two front teeth, because maybe there is some very interesting disagreement taking place between her smile and her hair, such that Darren suddenly doubts that he really knows Rachel at all.

7
Reasons Why Darren's Brain Is Malfunctioning

1.
 His mom clearly knows (he can tell by the tone of her voice and the little, barely contained grin on her face) that Rachel is not just “some girl.”

2.
 His mom seems to approve (her voice is doing that “I will try to make you enthusiastic by sounding enthusiastic myself ” and/or “I will help you think this is okay by sounding like I think it's okay” thing), as if she somehow knows that Darren isn't sure how he himself feels about their new, soon-to-be guest.

3.
 Rachel and his mom are totally hitting it off (chatting easily and laughing regularly), to the point that Darren (were he to get more sick himself or somehow just announce his refusal to participate in the coming visit) can pretty much picture them going shopping or taking a walk or just sitting in the living room drinking fancy espresso drinks and having a blast together.

4.
 A tiny little particle or two of something rising off Rachel has managed to burrow its way into the smell-interpreting part of Darren's snot-laden sinuses. Jesus, it's the first thing he's actually smelled today. It's one of those morning-dew, forest-after-the-rain scents that he loves for some reason. Dammit.

5.
 He's supposed to not kill them accidentally while guiding this two-ton machine through these deadly streets.

6.
 If Darren sneaks like a quarter-second look in the rearview mirror (while squinting his eyes in a way that is maybe dangerous and definitely stupid, considering he's driving), then he can nearly convince himself that Zoey is sitting in the backseat.

7.
 Only it's not Zoey, or not the Zoey he remembers, but a warm, friendly, funny, and extroverted Zoey, a Zoey other regular, normal human beings would approve of and know what to do with, a Zoey who probably wouldn't indirectly turn him into a smoker or disappear on him or break his dim-witted, gullible heart.

4
Lengthy Conversations Darren Somehow Has Instantly, Merely by Getting Caught Noticing the Intricate, Bewildering Expressions on Various Faces

1.
 The one with his mom right after they pull into the garage and she leans over to undo her seat belt

2.
 The one with Rachel when he walks back to the trunk with her to remove her bag

3.
 The one with his mom and Rachel in the kitchen, right after his mom asks Rachel what she'd like to drink and Rachel says, “Nothing, thanks, I'm fine,” only his mom insists, so the two of them sort of volley this back and forth, faster and faster, until they somehow start laughing like this is absolutely hysterical

4.
 The one he has with himself in the bathroom mirror. He knew he shouldn't have looked up while washing his hands

2
Floors at the House Where Conversations Are Held within Fifteen Minutes of Their Return Home

1.
 DOWNSTAIRS

“Oh, darn,” his mom says, checking a few drawers in the kitchen. “I need to go out and get some candles.” Addressing Rachel: “We celebrate Shabbat.” Rachel nods with her mouth open slightly. “Do you know what that is?”

“Yeah, of course,” Rachel answers, and takes a sip from her iced tea.

“Can't Nate just pick some up?” Darren asks.

“Actually,” Rachel says, “Darren, I don't think I ever told you this. Why would I? But one of my grandmothers, she was Jewish. I guess.”

“Huh,” Darren says.

“Really?” his mom asks, with what might be approval.

“Yeah, my mom's mom. But she died when I was only two, so I never got to know her.”

“What a shame,” his mom says.

Darren opens the refrigerator, looks for something.

“I guess it means that I'm technically Jewish.” Rachel takes another sip. “Like, according to Jewish law, right?”

“Yep,” his mom says. “That's how it works.”

Darren blows his nose.

“Okay.” Rachel smiles, and maybe clears her throat. “I know this is going to sound weird or something,” Rachel says, looking at Darren, “but sometimes I kind of
feel
Jewish. You know?”

“Not really?” Darren responds.

“Darren,” his mom says.

“Like, in seventh grade, there weren't so many Jewish kids at our school, but I did go to Jordan Peltz's bar mitzvah. And . . .”

“Yeah?” his mom asks a few seconds after Rachel trails off.

“Nothing,” Rachel says, dismissing whatever she was going to tell them with her hand.

Darren drinks from a carton of OJ.

“What?” his mom asks, to encourage her. “Darren, use a glass. You've got a cold. For God's sake.”

“It's just, it's really weird.” Rachel laughs. “But I felt, I don't know, kind of at home in the temple. Where the service was.” No one says anything. “I mean, we don't go to church almost ever. My dad thinks religion is stupid. Sorry. And whenever we do go, it just feels like this weird place to me. But at his bar mitzvah, when they opened the—is it called an ark?”

“Sure is,” his mom says with a smile.

“I swear”—Rachel blushes—“I got the chills.”

She stops talking. Right before his mom says, “That's a wonderful story,” Rachel looks down and puts some of her hair, painted black, behind her right ear.

2.
 UPSTAIRS

“Why won't you kiss me?” Rachel asks, sitting on Darren's bed.

“What?” Darren is standing by his dresser, maybe pretending to straighten the thing out.

“You haven't even kissed me once yet.”

“I have a cold.”

“So?”

“So you want to get sick?”

“I don't care about getting sick,” Rachel says. Darren tries exhaling through his nostrils, with little success. “Your mom's gone.”

“When did you do that to your hair?”

“You don't like it. I knew you wouldn't.”

“No, I do.”

“You don't have to lie.”

“No, seriously, I do. A lot. It's cool.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.”

“It just, it kind of surprised me. That's all.”

“I know. Me too. My friend Carrie dared me. It totally freaked my parents out. Totally. And it's crazy, how people treat you differently when you look like this.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Like, I don't know, in public and stuff, you can tell people think, I don't know, like I'm some bad girl or something.”

“Bad girl.”

“I'm so bad.”

Darren thinks about hopping up on his dresser, so he can sit there with his legs dangling off. But he's not sure he'd make it.

“Do you think you're going to keep it that way?”

“Maybe. At first, like the first time I saw it in the mirror, I freaked. I was like, ‘Oh my God, how long is this going to take to grow out?' But now . . .”

“What?”

“You're going to laugh.”

“What?”

“It's just—it's kind of fun to see if you can be someone else. You know? Not like I'm bad now, but still. Like everyone just always assumes I'm some goody-goody. Rachel Madsen, straight-A student, plays the piano all day, vice president of the Spanish club. Blah, blah, blah. So stupid.”

Darren stops fussing with his dresser. “Yeah.”

“Right?”

“Yeah, I think so. Just how people don't know the first thing about what other people are really like.”

“But the weird thing is, it made me realize, like—this is even crazier, but I swear . . .”

“What?”

“It's just, I don't know if I know what I'm really like.” Darren nods his head, sits down on the bed next to her. “You know?”

“Yeah.”

They kiss for a bit. Unclear who started it.

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Why do you think I have a girlfriend?”

“I didn't say I think you do. I just asked.”

“Do you? Have a boyfriend?”

“Not really. A guy asked me to homecoming. We've gone out a couple times. Tyler Kinsey. Supposedly he's an amazing soccer player. Like I should care. He's nice, but not my type, I guess. I think he might be stupid. I know that's mean, but I'm pretty sure it's true. He's kind of boring to talk to.” She squeezes Darren's hand. “Okay, honestly, like to be totally honest, he wants me to go with him to some big-deal party next week, but I don't know.”

“Are you going to?” he asks.

“What about you?” she asks. Darren doesn't answer, gets up, tends to his sinuses for a few moments. “You do, don't you?”

“I don't know. Sort of. Maybe.”

Rachel nearly laughs. “What's her name?”

“Zoey.”

“Zoey what?”

“Zoey Lovell.”

“What's she like?”

“I don't know. I barely know her. I swear. It's kind of a long story. I actually”—Darren tries inhaling through just his right nostril—“I mean, I knew her and stuff, before camp.”

“You did?” Rachel asks, her brow moderately furrowed.

“Yeah. But—but she doesn't even live around here right now.”

“Did she move?”

“No. Her parents sent her to some kind of boarding school or something.”

“Really? What'd she do?”

Darren rubs his nose with the back of his hand. “I think she ran away.”

“No way.”

“Probably some other stuff too.”

No one says anything. Darren tries not to look at Rachel's hair. He fails.

“You're crazy about her, aren't you?”

“Maybe, I don't know.”

“Why didn't you say anything? Back at Green Ridge?” Rachel asks this sounding more curious than hurt, which isn't to say she's not some of both.

“I don't know.” Darren grabs some more Kleenex. “I probably should have.” He blows his nose forcefully, which fails to alter the situation in his sinuses. “Sorry. I feel so dumb with this cold.”