Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (26 page)

3.
 It might be a very bad idea to take too much medication or the wrong medication or too much of the wrong medication and then go to therapy with your dad.

4.
 I might just be sicker than I thought.

5
Relatively Innocuous Questions Dr. Schrier Asks Darren as Some Kind of Warm-up Round to Begin Today's Session

1.
 So how's school going?

2.
 Are your peers discussing college yet?

3.
 You're a bit under the weather today, yes?

4.
 Are you still enjoying having Nate back home?

5.
 Any plans for the weekend?

1
and Only 1 Type of Punctuation a Person Would Need in Order to Transcribe about 94 Percent of Dr. Schrier's Speech

1.
 ?

7
Physical Features or Mannerisms of Dr. Schrier's Darren Finds Himself Zoning Out On

1.
 His beard, in particular the way his mustache is way grayer than the rest of it (which is sandy brown)

2.
 His silver-framed glasses that are insanely out of fashion

3.
 The round ball of flesh that is the tip of his nose

4.
 The deep wrinkles running horizontally and vertically over his forehead

5.
 The way he rubs the end of his left thumb along the length of his index finger when someone else is talking

6.
 The slow, inconsistent rhythm at which he bobs the toe of his left shoe, which is at the end of the leg crossed over his right leg

7.
 How he occasionally lifts his chin a bit and inhales, as if the air just above his nose is better than the air below

5
Combinations of People (All Involving His Dad, Darren, and Someone Else) Discussed and Analyzed during This Session

1.
 HIS DAD, DARREN, AND DARREN'S FRIENDS (OR LACK THEREOF)

“I told Darren,” his dad says to Dr. Schrier, “that he could tell me if—if my situation, my being gay, if that was placing constraints on his ability to make and develop friendships.”

“You didn't tell me,” Darren says. “You asked me to tell you. If it was.”

“Okay. That's fair,” his dad says.

“Constraints?” Dr. Schrier asks.

“Yes, constraints,” his dad answers.

“Darren”—Dr. Schrier turns to him—“do you know what your father means by ‘constraints'?”

Darren shrugs his shoulders.

No one says anything for a good five seconds. Darren, alone on the couch, blows his nose. His dad and Dr. Schrier, each in one of the armchairs that face one another, have some kind of elaborate conversation with their eyes and the angles at which they hold their heads.

“As best I can tell,” his dad says, and then clears his throat, “you're spending a lot of time alone, Darren—”

“So?”

“Well, I would hope that—that you're not alone as much as you are because you feel uncomfortable with people knowing about me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“If you're ashamed—”

“I'm not ashamed,” Darren says, clearly annoyed. “I'm not.”

“Okay.”

“I don't care that you're gay.”

“Okay,” his dad repeats, sounding a bit hurt.

“Would you guys still be married if you weren't?”

“That's an impossible question, Darren,” his dad says. “If I weren't gay I wouldn't be me, and so who knows what would have been.”

“But you said that's not why you got divorced.”

“Well, not exactly why. Not only why. But it's hard to say, I—”

“If you're not together anymore,” Darren says, “then whatever. You can be whatever you want.”

More silence for a while. Dr. Schrier writes something on his pad.

“Not being ashamed of having a gay father, who you did not know was gay until rather recently, this,” Dr. Schrier says, “speaks to an unusually tolerant and mature son, wouldn't you say, Darren?”

“Whatever, I have no idea. I don't care. Not about that. Maybe about the divorce and him being kind of a freak and—”

“A what?” his dad asks.

“Forget it.”

“You said freak.”

Darren says nothing.

“You think I'm a freak.” Darren almost turns to his dad. “Why do you think I'm a freak?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

“Because of everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yeah. How you talk now and all those books you have and that smell in your apartment—”

“The incense?”

“Whatever. And that little shrine or whatever it is in the corner of your living room. And that you keep asking me to come here so we can talk about how awesome it is that you're gay.”

“That was hurtful.”

Darren blows his nose.

2.
 HIS DAD, DARREN, AND NATE

“What about Nate?” his dad asks.

“What about him?”

“Do you . . .” His dad runs his hand over his bald scalp. “Do you enjoy having him back?”

“Dr. Schrier already asked me that.”

“I know, I know. But truly. Do you?”

Darren crumples up the Kleenex and sets it down on the coffee table. “Sometimes.”

“Sometimes yes, sometimes no?” Dr. Schrier asks.

Darren nods.

“When no?” his dad asks.

“What?” Darren responds, confused.

“Sometimes you're not happy he's back, is that what you meant?” his dad asks.

Darren shrugs his shoulders.

“When would be a time like that?” Dr. Schrier asks.

“You guys know.”

“We do?” Dr. Schrier asks.

His dad smiles a bit.

“He should be at U of M.”

“Why is that?” Dr. Schrier asks.

“Because he's twenty and smart and got in there.”

“Perhaps he needs some time off,” his dad says. “To figure out what he hopes to get out of his college years. To do some searching.”

“Like you?” Darren asks.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” his dad asks.

Darren blows his nose and tries to clear his throat but fails.

3.
 HIS DAD, DARREN, AND DR. SCHRIER

“Darren, why do you come here?” Dr. Schrier asks.

“Because my dad asks me to,” Darren says.

“But he gives you the option not to, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“Nate, for instance, Nate elects not to come, correct?”

“So?”

“So, you don't have to come, but you do. So why?”

Darren doesn't say anything. Studies the fern on Dr. Schrier's desk. He suddenly wishes this fern was in his room at the house.

“Would you at all,” Dr. Schrier continues, “would you want to come here without your father?” Darren looks at Dr. Schrier. “Would that interest you more or less than coming here with him?”

“Yeah,” Darren says, and wrestles again with the phlegm in his throat. “Maybe.”

He looks at his dad, who appears deeply satisfied.

4.
 HIS DAD, DARREN, AND ANOTHER HYPOTHETICAL MAN

“Darren,” his dad says.

“Yeah?”

“How do you think you'd feel if I . . .” His dad looks at Dr. Schrier, who nods.

Darren looks back and forth at both of them, like he's watching a tennis match in which both players have agreed to cheat.

“If I brought a boyfriend home, how would you feel?”

“You have a boyfriend?”

“No, I do not. But if I did?”

Darren says nothing.

“It's just, I've begun to suspect I'm a serial monogamist at heart.”

“A what?”

“How would you define that, Dr. Schrier?” his dad asks.

“A person who participates in a series of exclusive relationships?”

“A lot of men, Darren, like myself ”—his dad quickly licks his bottom lip—“have numerous partners. Without any commitment.”

“So?”

“That doesn't feel right to me.”

Darren's phone vibrates in his pocket. He ignores it. As does everyone else, more or less.

“Not morally. I mean right, as in, it doesn't suit me.”

There aren't any plants in the house. Maybe that explains something.

“What I'm getting at,” his dad continues, “is that I started dating your mother when I was twenty-two. I had exactly one girlfriend before her, Catherine Parcell. She and I dated for the last three years of high school. I dated no one else. And so despite, you know, who I am now, I feel a strong urge to find a partner.”

“Okay.”

“And so I was wondering, how you, if I were to—”

“How the hell am I supposed to know?”

5.
 HIS DAD, DARREN, AND RACHEL

Darren's phone vibrates again. And then again. He takes it out of his pocket. Three texts from Rachel:
I'm here! Call me! CALL ME!!!
Darren sniffles and possibly smiles. Puts the phone down and looks at Dr. Schrier.

“Something urgent?” the doctor asks, possibly in jest.

“For her,” Darren says.

“Her?” his dad asks.

“Yeah.”

“Do you need to write her back?”

“Soon.”

“Her?” Dr. Schrier asks.

Darren looks at his dad, not necessarily with approval.

“Uh-huh.”

“Whoever she is, she's a lucky girl,” his dad says proudly. Darren rolls his eyes. “What? She is. You're a catch, Darren.”

“Ha.”

“Not ‘ha.' You're an amazing young man, Darren.”

“Whatever.”

Darren leans forward, grabs a few pieces of Kleenex, stuffs them in his pocket, and stands up. “I like someone else.” He walks toward the door. “I've got to call her.”

Darren shuffles down the stairs, wondering what he'd talk about with Dr. Schrier if it was just the two of them.

2
,
Possibly
3
, Lies Darren Texts Rachel

1.
 
Cant call in an appointment

2.
 
Awesome ur here

3.
 
Will call soon

2
Reasons Darren Declines His Dad's Invitation for Darren to Drive Home

1.
 This medication is really strong and messing with his head.

2.
 He doesn't want to drive, ever, so please stop asking.

6
Opinions His Dad Shares with Him on the Ride Home

1.
 Your willingness to share your sensitivity shows great courage.

2.
 I am certain Dr. Schrier admires this as well.

3.
 I believe we'll look back on these sessions and be grateful.

4.
 I am not as much of a freak as you may believe.

5.
 Everyone's a freak, Darren.

6.
 I have simply chosen to hide my freakishness less than most.

2
Questions Darren Badly Wants to Ask His Dad but Doesn't

1.
 Do you really think Mom's hiding her freakishness?

2.
 If so, what's she hiding?

2
People Who It Turns Out Aren't Feeling So Hot Today, Though the Second One Is Doing Way Worse Than the First (It Must Have Been the Sushi Rachel and Her Had on the Way Back from the Airport, Even Though, Luckily, Rachel Is Somehow Totally Fine, but, Oh My God, Krista Is Definitely Not)

1.
 Darren

2.
 Krista

5
Parts of a New Plan Darren Finds Himself Suggesting or Agreeing To

1.
 Rachel will leave Krista's place, because it's pretty clear she and her parents have better things to do than take care of a houseguest right now.

2.
 Rachel will come over to Darren's, since she doesn't really know anyone else in Chicago.

3.
 Darren and his mom will pick her up. Darren will drive. Maybe.

4.
 Rachel will stay for dinner.

5.
 And maybe even the night as well, though the relevant parents will have to discuss this one first.

11
Self-Directed Questions Darren Has Difficulty Answering While Driving Himself and His Mom to Krista's House

1.
 How do you feel about Rachel maybe sleeping under the same roof as you?

2.
 How do you feel about the likelihood of the two of you being alone under this roof for a couple hours after dinner, assuming your mom goes to synagogue and Nate takes off as well?

3.
 Should you have let Rachel know that dinner is actually Shabbat dinner?