Memoirs of a Courtesan in Nineteenth-Century Paris (46 page)

,   

I am ill as a result of this wound I got in Spain. For two days I have been consulting the doctor on board. I have to have surgery, but I am going to wait until we get to the Cape of Good Hope where I shall go to the military hospital to consult the chief medical officer; I shall make my decision then. When I say a decision, I mean, I shall kill myself.

Do not reprove me for my harsh letters. Look carefully, and in the end you will always find a love that you will never encounter anywhere else.

,   

I arrived at nine in the morning and I must depart tomorrow. Therefore I cannot possibly get medical care until Sydney. As for everything else, since my arrival I have been feeling an inexplicable happiness. The loveli-



To the Antipodes

est camellias and the most beautiful geraniums grow along the edges of the fields.

I am sending you a heliotrope blossom that I just picked for you.

   ,   

I barely had time to seal my letter at the Cape of Good Hope; I wanted to send it by a ship setting sail on  June.

We just had fifteen days of awful weather; everything is damaged, masts and sails. Finally this morning the weather is calmer. The second-class passengers, made up of the lowest class in England, were spending their nights drinking gin or brandy. There were fights and horrible screams among these inebriated people sleeping helter-skelter in every corner of the ship. This is the middle of winter. All I have to eat is salted pork that smells bad, some moldy biscuits, and one liter of water a day to drink and wash with.

Two weeks from now I shall be in Sydney. There I plan to sell the few pieces of jewelry I have. I shall buy all the tools I need for the mines and I shall proceed, since the provinces where the gold can be found are about one hundred leagues from Sydney.

,   

In two days we shall be in the first port of Australia, called Port Phillip.

It is near there that the most important mines are located, and almost all the passengers are planning to disembark.

In Sydney I hope to find a man who will be my associate in the mines.

The difficult part will be finding someone who is not a thief or a murderer.

The mines where I plan to go are located near a village called Bathurst, one hundred leagues from Sydney, in the interior.

Yesterday I found among my belongings a little box you gave me two years ago. My whole fortune is made up of your portrait, my horseshoe pin, this box, and four letters from you. Those are the only things I cherish.

Even though your letters are nothing but lies, I reread them every day.

,      ..

What a terrible day I just had! I had just finished my letter to you yesterday, Wednesday, and I had been in bed two hours when we went up on the bridge; the ship was being battered on all sides by a horrible storm. A cry of despair rose from all of us; a sailor fell from the top of a tall mast, passed right before my eyes, and rolled into the sea; two shipboard officers, followed by four sailors, used an ax to cut the cords tying a little lifeboat



To the Antipodes

and they rushed off, in spite of the captain, in search of the poor man. The vessel was making fourteen knots. The skiff got left behind. We lost sight of it for two hours. The passengers were yelling and losing hope; they wanted to stop the ship and wait for the poor men. I had words with the captain because he was hesitating. He gave an order and the ship turned around.

Finally we glimpsed the skiff, which was bobbing freely on the waves because the men in it were worn out with fatigue. Their search had been in vain; the sailor was lost. Lieutenant Bencraf and the sailors who had gone with him dropped on the ship’s deck and passed out.

We can see the Australian coast. The first thing that comes into view is a ship wrecked on a rock.

, ,   

In one hour I shall be on horseback.

I used the last of my resources. After selling everything to buy a horse, I am leaving for the mines.

I am going to the interior of the territory, two hundred leagues from here. It will take me from eleven to fifteen days to get there.

Céleste, I do not want to begin my journey without sending you my last adieus, you who have been the only love of my life and whose memory will leave my thoughts only when my life ends. It seems that my love for you has increased in proportion to the pain you have caused me.

I love you as I have always loved you.



35

o

My Law Lesson

Courtesan, Actress, and Litigant—Hôtel de la Promenade: Sanctuary for Integrity—Return from San Francisco

,   Lionel’s letters, I am happy and proud to have inspired in this kind and brave man such a tender and devoted passion. But in those days my heart was too confused to know what it could love or hate.

When, like Lionel, one has held a lofty social position, been a rich noble, it is possible to face ruin without despair. To fall from high causes vertigo, but there is always the hope of rising again.

But when a poor creature like me, without the protection of a family and with a past like mine, is ruined, it is forever. I had no illusions about a courtesan’s future. Aware of the disdainful way my kind is spoken of, I had promised myself that I would not undergo the humiliations of old age. I had always told myself that if by age thirty I had not found a way to be independent, I would seek refuge in suicide.

Therefore I had to either fight or die. But to fight, I needed courage and experience I did not have then.

, ,  

As I expected, my apartment on Rue Joubert, my carriages on Rue de la Chaussée-d’Antin, and my house in Berry were seized, and there was opposition to the mortgage Lionel had left in payment for the money I had lent him. All his possessions were divided up, and I was being sued everywhere.

Lionel’s departure and the fanfare of my liaison with him had made a lot of noise around my life. Bad reputations are like good ones: they are acquired slowly, but past a certain amount of time they take on a life of their own.



My Law Lesson

The world was seeking me out, and out of necessity I climbed a few more rungs up this ladder of elegant corruption, when in fact I no longer possessed the heart my character required.

My life depended on a double lie: a financial lie and a moral lie. It was thought I was rich, and the ground under my feet was mined. It was thought that I was more wicked than ever, and my soul was worth more than my life.

So I had four proceedings to deal with. My future and that of my little daughter depended on justice.

My attorney in Paris, M. Picard, gave me some excellent advice. He sent me to see M. Desmarest, who was willing to plead my case, or rather my cases. In Châteauroux my attorney was M. Berton-Pourriat.

I asked that my rights be explained to me; I researched the code of laws, I listened, I asked questions. Somewhat defiant by nature, I asked people for clarifications to be sure that the moneymen were not taking advantage of me, because one of them, having shown too much zeal for my adversaries, was about to go before a judge.

I spent my life in bailiff offices, in attorney offices, in magistrate offices. Over a period of six months I became acquainted with every room of the courthouse.

When all my proceedings finally came to court and I could rest a little from my quibbling activities, I occupied myself seriously with acting.

Acclaim no longer went to my head. I knew that this life was not going to last. Courtesan, actress, and litigant—more than enough to fill a life-time. I was running from the Bois to a waiting room, from a waiting room to the Variétés.

It was then that I got some very sad news. A woman told me that Deligny had been killed in a duel.

I won my proceeding on the Rue Joubert furniture. This victory gave me some confidence.

   :

  

The proceedings on the Poinçonnet property would be pleaded in August in a Châteauroux courthouse. I had to travel to Poinçonnet. It was a painful trip because of all the memories flooding back with each turn of the wheels.

I ran into some difficulties when I tried to go inside. A guard had been assigned to it upon its seizure. I had to wait in the courtyard an hour before I was allowed to enter my own house.



My Law Lesson

A few days later my adversaries came to search the house. They poured over Lionel’s most secret papers. They hoped to find proof that I was not his proxy.

These incredible stratagems ended up confounding my adversaries.

They also outraged the judge and swayed him in my favor. I was defended by M. Desmarest, who had come to Châteauroux to plead for me.

The people of Berry remembered Lionel fondly, and when the affront was flung at him in front of the whole audience, the judges and the spectators protested.

I stayed at the Hôtel de la Promenade, anxiously waiting for the verdict like someone awaiting a death sentence. Mme Edouard Suard, the owner of the hotel, did everything she could to reassure me during two gloomy days. It was not the first time I was able to appreciate her generosity.

When I came to this region for the first time, we stayed at this hotel, and Lionel brought me here again when he was on a hunt in the forest. Without this kind and indulgent woman I would have stayed alone, cooped up in my room for days on end. She would come to my room to spend a few minutes, or she would make me come downstairs to be near her in her private living room, a little sanctuary full of flowers, handmade crafts, and precious heirlooms that were evidence of a life of order, work, and faith.

In the company of an honest woman, my heart would relax, and my soul would be lifted. With a few good words and a little perseverance, I could easily have altered my character, but there is always one half of the world that prevents the other half from doing good.

I learned the result of this proceeding only three months later. The trial had taken place on  August, but the judgment was not rendered until after summer vacation. In spite of the long wait, I was extremely happy. Alas! My problems were not over. I had won only one round; my adversaries appealed to the imperial court in Bourges.

Still these two early and significant victories allowed me to hope. As calm returned to my heart, my past appeared less bitter; I was becoming less demanding of happiness. I felt more indulgent toward others, less strict toward myself.

   

To get to the little house I was living in on Avenue Saint-Cloud, it was necessary to go through an enclosed garden. The living room was on the first floor.



My Law Lesson

It was starting to get cold. I had a fire lit. I was seated in front of the fireplace and was absentmindedly looking in the mirror when I saw the gate open—but no one had rung the bell.

It was Richard. . . .

I recognized him immediately, although he seemed horribly changed!

When my maid asked if I wanted to see him, I remained glued to my chair, unable to find an answer.

‘‘Do you not want to kiss me, Céleste?’’

‘ Oh! Yes. But I dare not; you must hate me so!’’

‘‘I! I have never stopped loving you. I always had the hope I would see you again. I was sick almost the whole time. A fever never left me.

However, I had almost rebuilt my fortune. One of my friends and I had a house together. It was destroyed by fire. From time to time I had news of you from Frenchmen coming to California. I learned about M. Lionel’s misfortune. I feel bad for him and I forgive him. Time allays pain and abates hate. Only my love for you is untouched by it. I built another house in San Francisco. I rented it to a banker and here I am. How good it is to see you!’’

‘And I am so happy to know that you do not hate me! . . .’

‘‘I hate you so little,’ he said, ‘ that if you wanted to accept my offer of two years ago, I would make the same offer again.’

‘‘My dear Richard, you have a heart of gold. I am being punished for the pain I have caused you, and I am no happier than you.’

‘‘If you have enemies, you know you can always count on me.’

I looked at my clock in horror. The excitement and the pleasure caused by this visit had made me forget that I was due at the theater.

We were rehearsing a play called Taconnet for Frédérick Lemaître’s debut. We had to be on time; the great actor was not patient. Richard escorted me and did not leave me until we had reached the entrance of the Variétés.



36

o TheVariétésTheater

Rachel—Malicious Gossip Thwarted—Why Cats?—

A Star—Tonight, Passage des Panoramas

   at my craft of acting, but managers and actors insisted on casting me as a soubrette, a grisette, or a dancer. I did not have the voice, the height, or the look for these roles.

I was not pleased at all with the role that I had been assigned in the play just released. I had to play the queen of the Maenads. That was not what I had been promised, and I advised the manager that if he was not going to give me a challenging role, I would leave the theater. The authors were consulted, and in the end, when another actress turned it down, I was given a role in The  Revue, at the Palais de Cristal.

A new dance had just arrived, l’impériale. I was asked to dance it with Page. I accepted, although I had long been wanting to put an end to this dancing I was repeatedly asked to perform.



I like everything that has to do with talent.

It goes without saying that I was a fanatic of Rachel’s, a magnificent, sublime, undeniable talent, who nevertheless had her detractors among the mean blowhards whose sole conviction is small-mindedness. They would criticize her either for her appearance or her mind.

After attending a performance of Phaedra I went home excited. This concentrated power, this smile full of hate and disdain, this gaze full of ire or love—it was all new to me and seemed magical.