Memory of Morning (32 page)

There wasn't a sound in the courtroom. I know I held my breath. Everything waited our sovereign's pleasure.

"Enough," he repeated. His tone was dangerously calm this time. "I am to blame for this - but Goshawk, you have taken it too far."

Goshawk wasn't the sort to stay in shock, or quiet, for very long. "Surely, Sire, you can blame yourself for nothing. Your suggestions were completely--"

"Taken and run with to your advantage. You are the one who staffed the Committees of Grace. You are the one who urged them on to narrower and narrower readings of our ancient doctrines. I hoped for a reminder and rebirth of our traditions when I authorized the committees. I was not seeking to strangle my people with them! I gave you and your followers the weapon that you have used against my people."

While the Emperor continued to speak to the judge, I was surrounded by a trio of clerics. The same folk who had been sneering at me a few minutes ago were now attempting to look concerned and helpful. A pair of them took my arms and turned me, gently. They also took the Emperor's words that I was free to go seriously. They pushed and prodded. I was torn, wanting to stay and find out why I'd been chosen by Goshawk. I also wanted to get away from him, from this situation and these people as soon as possible. I was urged to move by these helping hands, and it didn't take me but a moment to decide.

I wanted out.

I wanted my family!

I shook off the clerics and hurried out the nearest door. I found myself in a bright hallway. In the distance, a man was shouting.

"I am calm, madam. Bring me to my daughter and I shall be even calmer. Even, better, bring her to me this instant!"

I ran, passing through bars of sunlight flooding in from the tall windows that lined one side of the hall.

"Daddy!" I cried when I saw him. He held out his arms and I ran into them, needing the safety of his tight embrace. "Take me home," I begged as I started to cry. I no longer cared about anything else. "Just take me home."

Chapter Forty-Four

We might have gone back to the house if Father hadn't brought Star with him. She jumped into my arms as soon as the coach door opened. He told me that he thought she'd be a comfort to me when he found me, and she certainly was.

I snatched her tight and jumped into the deeply upholstered seat. As she licked my face, I said, "I cannot stay in this mad city one more night. Day. Hour."

We did not return to the rental palace. The most I would let Father do before we absconded with Uncle Eadum's coach was send a note to Mother saying all was well.

I added a postscript that Belladem, or anyone else, should not be angry with Dwie for doing his duty.

"A girl who cares about clothes as much as you leaving your wardrobe behind?" he said. "How badly did those fools treat you in there, my dearest?"

"They've made me - maybe the whole Empire - part of some power game between the Emperor and his courtiers," I said. "That's as much as I could make out, at least. I think it's over now, but..." I shook my head. "They're mad folk. Everyone in this city is mad. I'd run naked down the Great Road if I had to to get away from their dangerous games. Except for shoes," I added. I started to sniffle. "I can't imagine running on a road without shoes on."

"Practical, as ever."

I began to cry in earnest.

And I didn't stop, either. I held Star tightly and got her fur wet with the tears that took out weeks and weeks of nerves, frustration, fear, confusion, heartache, and fury. And I'd thought I'd been melancholy earlier in the day! Melancholy was a small, weak emotion compared to everything that poured out of me as the coach bumped, lurched, then began to run along the smooth highway once out of the city. My father wisely stayed in the seat opposite me and allowed me to have an old-fashioned, Cliff
screaming in the woods
fit.

I did not know when the transition from crying to sleeping came, but when I woke up my father was seated beside me. His arm was around me and my head rested on his shoulder. Outside, it was dusk.

"We're coming up to Merrymere," Father said. "I am assured there is a fine inn in the village. And shops. You'll be wanting shops in the morning, I expect."

I left him blissfully unaware of how there were times on board the
Moonrunner
when I'd had to live in the same clothes for days on end. A night of sleeping in my shift and wearing the same dress and stockings the next day would be no hardship.

"Yes, sir," I said, because I did like to shop.

It was a fine inn, with a fine cook. And a bathing suite, besides. By the time I went to bed that night I was beginning to feel as if my life could go on. By the time I woke the next morning, I knew where I wanted to take my life to.

"I think it would be best for you to return to Loudon," I told Father over breakfast. "I'll take a public coach and go on by myself."

He fed Star a bite of sausage before he said to me, "Your mother will be happy to join us in Avan. She and I have to start preparing for first term, anyway. Besides, I'm sure she would wish to help me with a small project I have in mind."

"What's that?"

"To beat the living water out of our so-called friend, Ydre Diamond."

I did not attempt to discourage him from remonstrating with Professor Diamond on my behalf. If I was making directly for Avan I would gladly have joined in and boxed the troublesome writing teacher's ears myself.

"I've decided that I really don't want the peace and quiet of home. I need to work. So, I plan to take the coach to Seyemouth and start my naval assignment early."

He looked at me worriedly for a bit. "You aren't going to sign up for a ship assignment are you? You haven't decided that's what you want to do?"

I shook my head. "I plan to work on the base at Seyemouth, or whatever base I'm assigned to. It could be overseas at some point," I added. "But probably not yet. Not with the truce and all."

The worry lines on his brow smoothed out a bit. "Keep Eadum's carriage," he said. "I'll go on to Avan, and send for your mother." He sighed, and stretched out his arms. "It will be good to go home."

I reached across the table to touch his hand when he reached for his teacup. "I am sorry this Season has worked out so - ridiculously."

"Nonsense. Any time the family gets to spend together is far from ridiculous."

I left it at that, and took him up on his offer of the private coach. He insisted I accompany him to the town's only dressmaker and she provided me with a simple made-up dress and a nightrail. This, along with procuring some tooth powder and other toiletry items, satisfied Father that I was respectable enough to be allowed to travel alone. He gave me most of the money from his pocket case and boarded the afternoon public coach for Avan.

When the driver dropped me off outside the contractors' dormitory at the Seyemouth base, I sent the coach back to Loudon with a message to send my medical bag to me. A few minutes later I wished I had not been so quick to bid the driver goodbye. I was informed that since my duties did not begin for another month I was not allowed to claim a room. When I checked at the medical facilities, I was told to return when I had clearance to come to work. I offered to volunteer my services, but they said the workload was light enough that no volunteers were needed. Apparently the truce had put me out of work, for now.

Disconcerted by not being wanted, I went to the ferry docks and enquired about boats leaving for Welis. I would visit my mother's home island. It had been several years and I thought it would be nice to spend some time as a visitor, taking in some of the lovely scenery Welis was so famous for.

No luck there, either. I was told I had arrived two hours after the Welis ferry sailed, and there would not be another days. I thought this was odd, as the ferry had sailed daily through all the years my family had taken it to reach Mother's home island. I was told that the Framin navy was conducting war games just beyond the territorial limit agreed to during the truce. Our government wasn't protesting this, but civilian ships were being sent in guarded convoys. There wouldn't be another one heading for Welis for at least three days. I was told to check back when more ships had gathered in the harbor.

I went back to the river side of town and walked down to the navy docks. Only to discover that the
Moonrunner
was berthed farther upriver, being loaded with supplies at the main depot. I guessed Captain Copper would soon be back on board to take out his freshly refitted ship. Or perhaps he was due for a new command. This thought came to me when I saw the ship anchored out in the deepest channel of the Seye.

A passing sailor noticed me staring, and paused to ask, "May I be of help, miss? Are you lost? Shall I find an officer to see you back to the--?"

"What is that ship?" I asked. "Is that one of the new cruiser class I've heard about?"

He continued to look puzzled at a civilian woman in navy territory, but smiled proudly when he followed my gaze out to the big ship in the distance. "Aye, Miss. She's the
Ironbound.
Down from the northern shipyards for her shakedown runs."

"Will you look at the gunports on her?" I counted rows of cannon ports going down for five decks, and that didn't count the spaces on the main deck that would take eight and twelve pounders. I whistled. "I'd heard three cruisers had been commissioned. What's her name again?"

"
Ironbound,
Miss, though she's as much pine and oak as any other ship. Some are calling her the
Ironbottom
," he confided. Then he blushed at having spoken so to a lady.

"It's all right," I told him, "I'm a ship's surgeon. I'm just out of uniform."

He relaxed, gave me a salute, and went on his way. I was left wondering why I'd told him I was something I was not. Or, at least not yet. I did not belong on the base right now, so I too went on my way.

Fortunately, Mrs. Lilac did have a room available when the dog and I showed up at her guest house. I settled in to wait. It wasn't just for the ferry, or for a chance to get to work. I was waiting for
something
to begin, for a change that was coming. I felt dread on my skin, in my bones. But I did not want to think about what lay ahead might be. And there was hot longing in me as well which I tried so very hard to ignore. Longing in my heart, burning on my skin and deep in the core of me. I would not try to define it. I would not even believe in it. I did not particularly want to think at all, as I also had to fight pining over things as I imagined they could be. That's the problem with having a story-telling turn of mind, it is twisty and sneaky and must be beaten down firmly if one is to remain a sensible being in the real world.

As for the state of the world, I ignored reading any news circulars.

I went for long walks with Star. I shopped at the dressmaker's. I purchased double-pointed knitting needles and some lovely purple bamboo and cotton sock yarn. I bought two new leather-bound notebooks, a new pen, and a box of thin glass vials of ink to go into the pen. I was ready to write. I sat under a tree in Mrs. Lilac's peaceful garden one afternoon with doves cooing in branches overhead and the harsher call of gulls circling from over the bay. I had a notebook open in my lap, the pen in my left hand, but no words were ready to come out yet. So, late in the afternoon I walked back into the house, ready for biscuits and a cup of tea. At least Mrs. Lilac could provide something darker and stronger than mint now that the blockade had been withdrawn.

I was greeted by a housemaid who said, "I was just coming to look for you, Doctor. There's a visitor just arrived. He's waiting in the front parlor for you. Shall I bring tea to you there?"

The thought of a visitor puzzled me, but I smiled with pleasure at her suggestion. "Yes, please. And something to eat, as well."

I walked into the parlor, to find Uncle Eadum standing in front of the empty hearth. He turned to face me, offering me a smile. His eyes were serious. "Close the door, please, Meggie."

I did, and said, "I hadn't expected to see you, sir."

He gestured for me to sit on the sofa, and took the chair opposite me. "But you have been expecting someone?"

I shook my head. I shrugged. I threw up my hands. Finally, I admitted. "I have a sense that-- I don't know. But everything that has happened to me in the last few months must have some meaning - some plan. But, I could also be looking through the lenses of my surgeon's overweening self-esteem. We have to be very sure of our own importance, you know," I added. "To carve on people the way we do."