Memory's Edge: Part One (28 page)

Chapter Fifty-Three

Numb

Numb was an
understatement by that point. Gretchen could see her hand on John’s leg, but
she couldn’t feel it. Little Sasha smiled at her over John’s shoulder, and she
knew she smiled back, but Gretchen’s face felt frozen. John tried to warn her,
but she didn’t listen. She pushed him to come to New York and this was her
reward. His wife and two beautiful children.

In a way,
it really was a reward. John deserved to find his family. Losing him like they
did would have torn Gretchen apart. A year spent worrying about whether he was
dead or alive, she couldn’t imagine a worse form of torture. And the children,
living for a year without their father. Their exuberant faces told everyone in
the room exactly how much they had missed having him in their lives.

John had
warned Gretchen, but would she really have stopped him from coming even if she
had believed him?

After
Steve, the hurt spiraled quickly into shame and depression. Gretchen was
convinced she would be broken forever, it hurt so badly. This was nothing like
that. Her entire body was wracked with twisting anguish from the inside out,
but it was different. The pain was ten times worse than it had been after
Steve, but it was a new kind of pain. She hadn’t been betrayed this time. She had
just lost. The difference that made was astounding.

Steve took
away Gretchen’s love and belief in herself, and tossed her aside. Even though
Corey had walked into the studio intent on finding her husband, she wasn't
taking anything away from Gretchen. Gretchen was giving something up. Maybe if
it had just been Corey who’d showed up looking for the man Gretchen loved, she
would have been willing to fight for him. Yes, he still would have been
married, but he was hardly the same person he was before. Even then, Gretchen
might not have been able to put another woman through losing someone as amazing
as John.

But Corey
hadn’t shown up alone. Michael and Sasha had come too, bouncing with joy at the
thought of having their father back. Even little Sasha, who would have been too
small to really even understand that her daddy was gone, hung on John with such
pure happiness Gretchen knew Corey had kept John alive in their hearts the
whole time he was gone. She hadn’t given up on him, and neither had his children.
They wanted him back as desperately as Gretchen wanted to keep him. Faced with
a wife and two children, Gretchen knew she was the one who had to give in.
Every moment spent with John after meeting them would only be torture knowing
what she had pulled him away from.

Anne had
been talking to the others for a few minutes already, but one question brought
Gretchen out of her thoughts.

“What are
you going to do now?” she asked John. “You’re sitting here with your children
on your lap and the two women you love on either side of you. What comes next?”

Everyone
looked to John for an answer, but Gretchen knew he wasn't the right person to
give it.

“He’s going
to go home with his wife and children,” she said.

They all
turned to stare at Gretchen. She wouldn’t have been surprised to hear they had
completely forgotten she was there. Anne raised an inquisitive eyebrow. Corey
looked as though she were about to faint, which she probably was, but John
echoed Gretchen’s pain.

“Gretchen,”
he whispered. “Please.”

His face
begged her not to give up so quickly. He still loved her, even sitting with his
family, even holding his wife’s hand. That knowledge took away the harsh edge
of the pain radiating through Gretchen’s body. She would always treasure his
love for her, but she couldn’t claim it anymore. He loved them both, but he
could only keep one of them.

“You have
to go, John. There’s nothing else to do now,” Gretchen said.

Passing his
daughter off to his wife, John slid next to Gretchen and took her hands in his.
Corey stiffened at the gesture, but gave John the space he needed.

Touching
his head against hers, he held Gretchen in that simple embrace. She could feel
his labored breaths wash across her face, and part of her was relieved to know
it was as hard for him as it was for her. Slowly, Gretchen pulled away from him
and held his face in her hands.

“I don’t
want to hurt you, Gretchen. I don’t want to leave you,” John said.

“But you
don’t want to leave them either,” she said.

“No. I
can’t do that either.” His chin shook in her hands. The tears finally broke
free. “I love you, Gretchen.”

He truly
did. “I love you too, John. And I’ll never forget you, ever, but I have to say
goodbye now.”

Gretchen’s
hands fell away from his face and she stood. Nobody moved to stop her from
leaving as she walked off the set. Managing to keep her composure long enough
to make it to the hall, Gretchen lost it when she passed out of view. Her
clicking heels sounded like thunder as she ran down the hall. The green room
where they had waited stood open and she ran in. Pushing the door closed behind
her with her back, Gretchen slid down the door and sobbed.

***

Anne
wrapped up the interview, but John didn’t hear anything she said. The image of
Gretchen walking away from him blocked out everything else. Knowing Gretchen
was right didn’t stop the overwhelming flood of pain crashing into him. He
couldn’t leave his family. Not only would it have been incredibly wrong to
leave them, he didn’t want to give them up. He had already missed so much of
his children’s lives. He had lost so much time with Corey, too. Faint lines
around her eyes that didn’t used to be there told the story of how hard the
past year had been on her.

John wanted
to erase Corey’s pain, but at the same time he would never give up the memories
he had of his time with Gretchen. Gretchen was as much a part of him as Corey
and the kids ever were. How could he give her up? There was no other choice,
though.

“Daddy, why
are you crying?” Michael asked. “Aren’t you happy we found you?”

Wiping away
tears John hadn’t noticed until Michael pointed them out, he picked up his son
and set him in his lap. He was so much bigger than he remembered. There was a
seriousness to him that had never been there before. “Of course I’m happy you
found me, buddy. I missed you so much, and Sasha and Mommy, too,” he said.

“Then why
are you crying?” he asked.

Corey took
Michael off John’s lap and hugged him. “Daddy misses his friend, Michael. It
makes him sad that his friend left, just like we were sad when Daddy left.”

“Is his
friend missing, too?” Michael asked.

Corey
smiled, though the corner of her mouth was tucked between her teeth. John knew
she was biting her cheek to help keep herself from crying. It had to be killing
her even more to see John hurting so much as he watched Gretchen leave. He had
already put her through so much, and he wanted to spare her anymore pain, but
John couldn’t forget Gretchen that easily, even for Corey.

“Daddy’s
friend just had to go back to her home. She isn’t missing,” Corey finally said.

Approaching
quietly, a young woman knelt down beside Corey. “Hi, my name’s Beth. We have a
playroom down the hall,” she said. “Would you like me to take Michael and Sasha
to play for a while?”

Relief
slackened Corey’s shoulders. “That would be wonderful. Thank you.”

Michael and
Sasha towed Beth away, excited at the prospect of toys. Corey and John watched
them go. The rest of the set was thankfully empty. In the silence, the weight
of everything that had just happened crushed John into the couch. He sank down
under the pressure and closed his eyes against another round of tears. Even the
joy of finding his wife and children wasn't enough to dull the pain of losing
Gretchen. He wasn't sure that pain would ever leave him completely. He didn’t
really want it to.

“Are you
okay, Alex?” Corey asked.

John opened
his eyes to see her looking at him with concern in her expression. “It’s going
to take some getting used to being called Alex again,” he said. Alex. He had
his name back. He had his old life back. Was it wrong for him to not want to
give up the new life he had found quite so fast? There was so much good in that
life, too. Was John gone forever?

“I…” Corey
started. Her lip trembling, she looked away from him. Seeing her so upset
brought another wave of pain to John’s battered heart. Bringing her close to
him, John held her against his chest as he stroked her hair. He had missed her
so much. Even without knowing who she was or whether she still loved him, his
heart had yearned for her.

“Did I do
the right thing?” Corey asked.

“What do
you mean?” he asked.

“You were
happy with her,” she said. “You loved her.”

She said
“loved her”, like it was already over. He still loved Gretchen. Corey didn’t need
to hear that. Swallowing his own pain, he tried to lessen hers. “I was happy
with Gretchen, and I did love her,” he said, pausing when Corey sucked in a
quick breath, “but there was still something missing. I had given up hope of
anyone ever finding me, but I knew at least at one point someone in this world
had loved me.”

Corey
closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
she asked.

Was he
sure? Yes. Did that make it any easier? Not at all.

“Yes,” he
said. “I want to go home with you and the kids.”

“But you
still love Gretchen.”

She needed
to know and he couldn’t lie to her. “Yes, I still love her.”

“How can
you just give her up then?” Corey asked.

John
thought what she really wanted to know was whether or not he was going to be
able to give himself back over to her, or if he was secretly going to be
wishing he were back with Gretchen the whole time. Fear and disappointment had
probably been her life for the past year. John couldn’t blame her for asking,
but he wasn't sure he knew how to explain why that wouldn’t happen. He didn’t
know himself. He only knew that as hard as it was to watch Gretchen walk away,
he would let her go and never regret his choice.

“Gretchen
saved my life. She took me in when I had no one, and she gave me a new life.
I’ll love her for that for the rest of my life,” he said, “but we both knew
from the beginning that everything we had together could end the second my old
life caught back up to me. Maybe we were both secretly prepared for that to
happen.”

Corey
nodded, but she didn’t look convinced. She had probably just spent a year of
her life having people doubt her husband would ever come back to her.
Hesitating now made sense. She was strong enough to survive John’s
disappearance, but after having been through so much it would be hard to open
her heart back up if she thought it was going to be destroyed again.

“Corey, I
gave you my heart my heart ten years ago in the middle of a snowstorm when we
were twenty years old. And even though I disappeared, you never really lost it.
Gretchen was just taking care of it for a while,” John said. “I can’t promise
you that after today I won’t think of Gretchen or my time with her again, but I
can promise you I will never leave you again, not for Gretchen, not for
anything. I’m so sorry I put you through all of this. Can you ever forgive me?”

“There’s
nothing to forgive, Alex. I never thought I would see you again. I thought you
were dead,” she said. “Even if it means I’ll have to share your heart with another
woman for the rest of my life, it’s worth it to have you back. I love you so
much.”

“I love you
too, Corey,” he said. “And I’m glad you found me.”

Chapter Fifty-Four

Worth It

The trip
home was long and horrible. Gretchen cried nearly the entire way. It took the
flight attendants on the flight from New York to Dallas a good hour before they
stopped asking her what was wrong and whether she needed anything. It only took
the flight attendants on the flight from Dallas to Albuquerque about five
minutes. One of them had watched the Today Show that morning and knew who
Gretchen was. She kindly ushered Gretchen to an empty seat in first class and
brought her a pillow and blanket along with a box of tissues.

The last
leg of the flight back home was aboard a tiny plane that had only one flight
attendant who stayed in her seat the entire thirty minute flight. There were
only a handful of other passengers on the plane, and they all left Gretchen
alone. She was grateful for their lack of concern.

Climbing
down the steps and onto the tarmac, the dry, cool air of the high desert hit
Gretchen and told her she was home. The day had started out so wonderfully, and
ended so horribly, but at least she was home. Gretchen paused a few steps from
the airplane and thought about that word, home. New Mexico had been her home
before ever meeting John, but it felt different without him. The idea of
walking into an empty house still filled with his recipes, clothes, and
memories was torturous.

But
Gretchen kept walking.

Reaching
into her pocket for her cell phone, she turned it on and saw another seven
missed calls from Desi and three from her parents. That was only in the last
two hours. Combined, Gretchen had thirty missed calls from people wanting to
check on her. She didn’t want to talk to any of them yet. Her mom probably
thought she was slipping back into the crippling depression she had experienced
after Steve. She was undoubtedly convinced she was going to call her any moment
and tell her she was coming home to sleep on their couch.

Yes,
Gretchen wanted to crawl into bed for a few days and eat her weight in
chocolate, but she wouldn’t self-destruct again. In the morning, she would call
Desi and her mom and do her best to convince them she was still sane, but for
the time being Gretchen wanted to be left alone. Pulling out the handle of her
carryon, Gretchen started across the tarmac toward the airport, wishing the
building was big enough for a covered terminal entrance.

A gust of wind
knocked against her and almost tore the wrinkled envelope she had been crushing
all day from her hand. Gretchen briefly contemplated letting the wind take it,
but she couldn’t bear to let it go. Pressing it against her chest, Gretchen
ducked her head and hurried toward the door of the airport.

The wind
faded away as the door closed behind her. Staring past the four rows of hard
plastic chairs in the terminal, she saw the doors leading out to the parking
lot. Her car was out there somewhere. As Gretchen thought about actually
getting into it and driving home, the more appealing the uncomfortable chairs
looked to her. She wondered whether anyone would come and tell her to leave if
she decided to just sit there for a while.

Filled with
wedding plans and bits of centerpieces, her house was the last place she wanted
to be. She had given John up willingly, but that didn’t erase the pain of
losing him. Gretchen didn’t think she could stand facing her house quite yet.
She needed someone to take her hand and show her how to survive this, but she
had the lost the only person who could do that.

“Gretchen,”
a voice said quietly.

Or maybe
she hadn’t.

Looking up,
Gretchen found the voice and managed to smile for the first time since the
interview. “Carl, what are you doing here?” she asked.

He stood a
few feet away from Gretchen, watching her. “I thought you might need a ride
home.”

“My car’s
right outside, though. You didn’t have to come.”  

Carl smiled
and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I know, but I didn’t think you should be
driving after the day you’ve had. I thought you might need a friend.”

“So you
watched the interview, huh?” She’d been hoping he’d been at work all day, but
it wouldn’t surprise her to hear he had taken the day off just to watch it.

“Didn’t go
quite the way you thought it would, I’m guessing,” Carl said.

“Not at
all,” Gretchen whispered as the tears began to fall again.

That was as
much as Carl could take. Closing the distance between them in two big steps, he
swallowed her in a massive hug, squeezing away some of the pain with his
compassion. Gretchen’s tears soaked the front of his shirt as he held her, and
as they did they drew away some of her heartache. Why had she ever thought she
would have to make it through this on her own?

“Let me
take you home,” Carl said.

Gretchen
sniffed and looked up at him. “I don’t want to go home, Carl. Not yet. I don’t
think I can face it.”

Taking
Gretchen’s bags from her, Carl took her hand, and said, “I made up my guest
bedroom just in case you felt like that. You can stay as long as you need to.”

She leaned
against him as they walked to his car. It was more than his size that supported
her. His love and unquestioning friendship did more for Gretchen than anything
else. She climbed into his truck and settled into the seat, still clutching the
white envelope. Carl let her sit quietly as they drove, but he kept a firm grip
on her hand. That would have bothered her once, but at that moment she had no
desire to take her hand away.

Gretchen
was huddled up on Carl’s couch before he finally let go of her, but he didn’t
go far. Sitting down next to her, he pulled Gretchen into his arms and let his
calming warmth soothe her spirit. For a while they just sat there. Eventually,
though, Carl broke the silence.

“What’s
that?” he asked, gesturing at the envelope.

She held it
for a second more before handing it over to Carl. He watched Gretchen carefully
as he opened the envelope and took out the single sheet of stationary. His eyes
moved back and forth as he read it, but Gretchen didn’t need the letter to know
what it said anymore. She had memorized it hours ago.

Gretchen,

I think
I must be the only other woman in the world who knows what you’re feeling right
now. When Alex disappeared last year, my heart broke. I hoped he was okay, but
I feared he was dead. Knowing now that he had you to take care of him, and love
him, gives me comfort.

It’s
difficult to accept that the man I’ve loved for so long could fall in love with
someone else, but seeing you, I can understand why he did. I only met you for a
few brief minutes, but I could see the compassion and kindness in you.

Thank
you so much for taking care of Alex when I couldn’t. I promise to do the same
for you.

I wish
you every happiness, Gretchen, and thank you from the depths of my heart for
returning mine to me.

Sincerely,

Corey
Turner

Carl
refolded the letter and slipped it back into the envelope. “She sounds like a
nice woman,” he said.

“She is,”
Gretchen agreed tearfully.

Setting the
letter aside, Carl folded his arms around Gretchen again. “Was it worth it?” he
asked.

“Loving
John?” she asked. Carl nodded. A small smile crept onto Gretchen’s lips. Loving
John had been a risk. She’d known that from the beginning. Even having lost the
bet, she had still won something in the end. Gretchen wouldn’t trade her year
with John for anything. It hurt now, but she couldn’t feel the pain of losing
if she hadn’t had something to lose in the first place.

“Yes,” she
said, “it was worth it.”

Leaning
down, Carl kissed her forehead. His lips made her skin tingle and she felt a
sliver of hope enter her heart. “I’m worth the risk, too, you know?”  

“I know you
are, Carl,” she said. “I know you are.”

It would
take Gretchen a while, but she knew she would risk her heart again for love.
She just needed a little time. Luckily, patience was one of Carl’s best
qualities.

The End

of

Part One

John and
Gretchen’s stories will continue in Memory’s Edge: Part 2, as they try to move
on with their lives separately, which proves more difficult than either of them
expect.