Microsoft Word - At Last A Life Final Copy 16-03-09 (17 page)

a day will be just a day, with few ups and downs. It will happen once

you take that step back and allow your body to find its own sense of

balance. It’s funny, isn’t it, how I was always able to accept the good

days and not question them, but as soon as I had a bad day, I was

back to square one, repeating those old mistakes and believing that

there must be something wrong!

I also learnt that when I had a good day I expected the following day

to be the same, almost putting pressure on myself to make sure it

would be. I was constantly watching myself, trying to hold on to how

I felt and worrying that if I let go, the good feelings would be gone

forever. Well they won’t. Good days come and bad days come, and

you need to accept this. Don’t waste time trying to work out why, like

I did. Don’t think you are back to square one and start with all the

self-pity again. Don’t hold back on your goal of achieving recovery

by not allowing yourself to feel how you feel at any particular time. It

is not important, as I eventually learnt.

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I remember everything one day and not the next!

A lot of people say everything makes sense one day and not the

next. I soon discovered that this was caused by the old memories of

not being able to cope and being pulled back in to fighting purely

through habit. I had spent so long on the wrong road that it was only

natural for me to feel lost again. One day I would understand my

new direction and the next I wouldn’t. But this was just caused by

the habit of doing things the wrong way. That’s why I say re-read if

need be until this new point of view becomes you. It is just like going

back to school to learn a new subject. You don’t just have one

lesson and pretend to know it all. You forget a lot of what you have

been taught and you have to revise. It takes time for information to

be absorbed and it is no different when you first learn about the right

road to recovery.

I am losing faith; I want to be better today

Sometimes when I encountered certain setbacks, I did not feel like

putting any effort into recovery. I suppose I just wanted to ignore the

world again and drift back into self-pity and, at times, I was very

tempted to give up.

Even though I had these moments and you may be having them too,

the desire to recover always overcame them and I now thank God

that it did. If you find yourself in this situation, please do not wait for

the times you feel great to make the effort to do something. No

matter how bad you feel, when you have decided to do something,

just go ahead and do it. I fell into the trap of thinking “oh, I just don’t

want to do that today, I will wait until tomorrow”. Well, most of the

time, tomorrow never came because I just wanted to hide away

again. I was avoiding situations where I thought I might feel

uncomfortable, the very places that would have helped me to

recover.

Many a time, I remember being asked by friends to go to the

racecourse and always refused, as I knew I would not really enjoy it

and that I would feel uncomfortable. Then one day I just thought, “no

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matter how I feel, I am going. If I feel uncomfortable or strange, then

I do. I don’t want this to hold me back any longer. I need to take a

step forward.”

This statement helped me many times and is one that I want you to

take particular notice of. Your memory and habit work together

saying “Don’t go you will feel uncomfortable; you know you will”.

These are the very statements that hold you back, you need to go

against your instincts and float past these negative thoughts and

suggestions. Recovery lies in these places and situations and will

never be achieved through avoidance.

I went, and even though I didn’t particularly enjoy it, it was not as

bad as I thought it would be. I then made it a regular practice and

every time I went, I began to feel less uncomfortable, less strange

and more able to enjoy it. At first, it was just the unfamiliarity of doing

something different that made me feel uncomfortable and a bit

strange, but I accepted how I felt, which allowed other feelings to

come through. Gradually I felt as though I was part of what I was

doing and forgot about how I was feeling. As time went by, I became

more outgoing and less introverted, while at the same time being

able to enjoy and take more notice of what was going on around me.

So, don’t put off doing things until you feel like it. Float past all the

negative thoughts that say you can’t and tell yourself that you can. If

you can’t, then you will find out for yourself, but don’t listen to that

voice that constantly holds you back.

If going out for the first time in a while makes you feel fearful and

anxious, it’s only to be expected, just take those feelings with you. I

used to ignore what by body was telling me and did it anyway. I

didn’t try to stop these feelings - there was no point because I knew

that they would be there. It was only natural to feel like this in my

present state, but I was determined not to let them control me any

more. You will be amazed by what you can achieve that you just did

not think you could. Sometimes it’s just feelings and negative

thoughts that hold you back. Float past them and continue to move

forward.

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SOME FINAL POINTS

Anxiety genes

There have been some studies done into the theory that people with

anxiety can have a gene that causes them to feel the way they do.

I was not going to mention this, because, firstly, it is only a theory

and there is no concrete proof. Secondly, all that this theory does is

cause certain people to worry more and, thirdly, people who do

suffer from anxiety, gene or no gene, need to know about the

subject in order to lead a better life and go on to fully recover. Telling

someone that they may have an anxiety gene is like telling them that

this is how they are, there is no cure and they can’t do anything

about it. So I would never say this to anyone.

I have helped many people and not one of them has told me that

they think there may be a genetic cause. They have all recalled

some flashpoint from where they think their anxieties stemmed. In

my opinion, everyone can recover, and I mean everyone. I believe

that a lack of knowledge on the subject is what keeps people ill,

which is why I try and help people to understand why they feel like

they do.

Don’t analyse how you feel

A lot of people start accepting their feelings and then, when they do

not feel better within a short space of time, they start to question the

whole way forward. This is exactly what I did, but I now realise I just

wanted to feel better straight away. Don’t try and work out any of

your symptoms, your day or anything else about your condition.

Someone once said to me “I have now realised that I don’t have to

analyse the hell out of this”. Never has a truer word been spoken.

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Don’t try and rush recovery.

Some people do this without even realising it. They want to be better

by the summer or for their holiday, but this only sets a time limit and

puts pressure on them to recover. When they do not achieve their

target of feeling like they think they should, they set themselves up

for agitation, frustration and disappointment. Never put a time limit

on recovery. We are all different and it is something you just cannot

rush. I had great difficulty accepting that recovery takes time and

even considered trying another route. I was just impatient to be

better or sometimes wanted to get further quicker, but I knew it

made sense and it felt right. There are no short cuts to recovery. As

so many people say to me, “recovery did not come overnight Paul. It

was a transition back to the old me”. That’s exactly what it is and you

have to accept this. It’s like layers of the old you coming back. Any

doubting occurs because you don’t see immediate rewards for your

efforts, but they are adding up in the background, I promise you.

Don’t be influenced by how you feel

There are so many different symptoms that people with anxiety can

feel and because they have not read about them in a book or not

seen them mentioned anywhere before, they think they must be

suffering from something else. Anxiety can play many tricks on your

body, and to list here all the symptoms that I have heard about

would be impossible. All I ask is that you are not discouraged by

anything that you feel.

When I shut my eyes at night, I used to feel as though I was floating

away from my body, but I just put it down to my tired mind playing its

tricks on me. I accepted the feelings and did not question them. I

stayed calm in my attitude and eventually they disappeared. If you

really believe that something you feel needs checking out, then go

ahead, but 99.9% of the time it is just anxiety playing its tricks on

your mind, so ignore it and avoid all the ‘what ifs’!

Going with how you feel can take time before it becomes your new

habit. When you start learning to drive a car, you have to think about

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each new manoeuvre until it happens automatically. You eventually

drive without thinking and it becomes a habit born out of practise.

Once I had practiced the whole ‘whatever’ attitude it came naturally.

I just got on with my life however I felt. If someone stopped me and

asked how I felt, I would have to stop and think about it because I

was so used to just getting on with my day. So do not worry if at first

you find going with how you feel difficult to achieve. As time goes by,

it gets so much easier and the best thing about accepting how you

feel is that you don’t have to do anything - just let go and give up the

daily battle.

Personally, I just gave up the daily battle and stopped putting all this

pressure to feel better on myself, fighting my way through each day.

I now realise how all this just increased my feelings of anxiety and

added to the way I felt. I was not giving my mind and body one

minute’s rest. Is it any wonder I was so tired and emotionally spent?

All this makes so much sense to me now, even though it didn’t at the

time as I was so desperate to make the whole thing go away. By

trying to fight and think my way better I was doing the exact

opposite.

Tired nerves/tired mind

I hope you now realise that all that is wrong with you is tired nerves,

which are ready to be triggered far more easily than those in a

healthy body because of all the stress that you have placed on

them. They are just sensitised and that is why you feel the funny

sensations in your arms, legs and other parts of your body. Some

people complain that their tired nerves stop them from wanting to do

things or go places, but the reason this happens is because they

have been tricked into thinking that there is danger where there is

not. People become afraid of their symptoms not the places they

visit. Sensitisation is just your nerves over-reacting to adrenalin so

that something small can bring on a stronger reaction. There is no

more danger there; you just have a greater reaction to adrenalin,

which makes you feel more flustered. This makes you feel more

stressed than you really are and the problem seems bigger than it is.

Once you can begin to understand that all that’s happening is you

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are experiencing an exaggerated reaction because of sensitised

nerves, it puts things into perspective.

As I have already explained, the strange feelings and the constant

thinking are also caused by a tired mind that you have thrashed day

in and day out. Just like your nerves, these feelings can be reversed

if you just follow the advice given to you in this book. Your mind is

waiting to think more clearly again. It has picked up some bad habits

but nothing that cannot be reversed. No matter how many years you

have suffered with your nerves and the effect they have had on your

mind, you haven’t done yourself any permanent damage. The longer

you have suffered, the more bad habits you may have picked up, but