Mine to Lose (16 page)

Another weekend, another excuse why he
can’t come to town. Ryan has been so busy that it’s been almost five weeks
since I’ve seen him. I was supposed to fly out to California two weeks ago, but
he said that he enjoyed being
home
last time. He wanted to wait and come
back here; that melted my heart. But when it came time for him to fly out, he
had to cancel for another big project; he needed to get a head start. I was
disappointed, but he promised the next week he would be able to do it. That is,
until he forgot to book his flight. That time, I was so pissed; there was no
room for tears.

So this week, I was expecting it.

Ryan: Can’t make it in this
weekend. I’ll make it up to you. Promise

Me: Okay

It wasn’t okay, and it certainly wasn’t
okay that he did it over text.
Who does that?

“Em?” Lang’s voice calls to me through
the phone. “Are you still there?”

“Yeah. I’m here.”

“So that’s it? A text and he’s not coming
out? Have you at least talked to him?”

“No.” My answer is clipped. “I left a
message. I’m so mad, I just don’t care right now.”

“Yeah you do, otherwise you wouldn’t be
pissed.”

“Well, I can’t make him answer the phone,
so what do you suggest?”

Joss walks over to take the phone from my
hands and starts talking to Langley; all I hear is her side of the call.

“I told her to get her ass on the first
flight out and do something about it. If he can’t come here, she needs to go
there.”

She nods in agreement with whatever my
sister tells her and then looks at me with a smirk.

“You’re right. That might have something
to do with it.”

“What are you two talking about? Give me
the damn phone,” I say, yanking the phone from her grasp.

“So you think she’s falling for Trey?”
Lang’s voice filters through, not knowing I’m back on the phone.

“No,” I yell, looking at Joss to make
sure she hears as well. “
She
is
not
falling for Trey.”

“What are you gonna do then?” Langley
asks, challenging me to make a move.

“I’m going out there,” I declare,
righting my posture and looking at Joss for support. “Y’all are right, I need
to see him.”

“Good. Hang up and call him to let him
know,” Lang commands me.

“No, I want to surprise him,” I assert, causing
Joss’ eyebrows to raise in question.

“You just said he’s working on a big
project, give the man a head’s up,” Joss pleads, watching me debate my next
move.

“Girls, it’ll be fine. I’ll book a flight
and I have a key to his place, so I'll just wait for him there.”

Neither of them says another word, and
I’m grateful for that. I know showing up unannounced is absurd, but the last
thing I want is to let him know, and there be yet another reason we have to
reschedule. If I show up, he’ll be forced to make time for me and we’ll have to
work through this awkwardness.

* * *

I talked to Ryan last night, and he had
asked if I had plans for the weekend. I told him that I might go out with Joss,
but it was a busy week and I just wanted to stay in. Joss dropped me off at the
airport this morning, and after finally getting through security, all I had was
time. Between Ryan’s job and mine, we have no time for each other. But if we
want this to work, we have to make time. And I want this to work. Buying a
ticket last minute was expensive, but I’m willing to do anything to get to Ryan
and get us back on track.

As much as I enjoy working with Trey, I
don’t like how he is always on my mind. When I’m at work, I can’t stop thinking
about him because it’s my job. But at home, I can’t stop thinking about how he
makes me laugh or the way he looks at me, or how considerate he is. These are
the things that Ryan is supposed to be doing, and the longer we go without
seeing each other, the harder it is to ignore the distance between us. I’m not
looking to replace him, but somehow, Trey is starting to fill the empty space,
and I don’t like that at all.

The flight was a nightmare, some kid was
screaming in the back of the plane, and even my headphones didn’t drown out the
noise enough. The book I was planning to read didn’t keep my attention, so I
was left with nothing but my thoughts. Thoughts that consisted of Ryan, and how
this weekend would play out. In my head, Ryan would spot me and give me a
heart-stopping smile before grabbing me and kissing me like he’s never kissed
me before. He would lift me in his arms and sweep me off to the bedroom to make
love to me; all would be right with the world.

But that isn’t how it played out.

The plane landed at two o’clock, and I
didn’t want to be stuck waiting for hours with nothing to do, so I hailed a cab
and had it drop me off at his office. The receptionist was an older woman, her nameplate
reading, Virginia Hall. She was a petite woman with graying hair, and she made
me feel relaxed. Ms. Hall handed me a clipboard to sign-in as a guest and when
she finally spoke, a broad smile appeared and her voice was kind. “Ryan’s told
me so much about you.”

I returned her smile. “I hope it was
good.”

She nodded as she directed me to the
hall, noting his office was the third on the left. That was the last peaceful
moment I had at his office. When I finally made my way to his door, I could
hear him speaking to someone, so I waited outside until he was done.

“Listen, Alex,” Ryan’s voice was
authoritative. “I know this is taking up a lot of time, but we have to get this
done. I skipped out on going home for this.”

When Alex responded, my stomach dropped.
“No one told you to cancel. This could have waited until next week.”

Alex is a woman?

I wrack my brain, trying to figure out if
he had ever mentioned this detail. “Besides, I’d much rather go out tonight and
deal with all this later.” Her voice was low and seductive, and my stomach
started to turn.

“Fine, do what you gotta do, and I’ll get
as much of this done this weekend as I can.” When he said that, a wave of
relief washed over me, right before disappointment.

“You can at least have one drink, right?”
she purred, causing my blood to boil.

“Sorry, not this time-” he answered. I
didn’t stay to hear the rest of their exchange; I hurried out of the office,
thanking Ms. Hall for her help. I didn’t want Ryan to see me there; I felt like
an intruder.

Joss called as I was getting into the cab.
“Why didn’t you call when you landed?”

“Hello to you, too.”

“Hello,” she answered, formality out of
the way. “So are you there yet?”

“I went to his office,” I admitted,
running my hand through my hair in frustration.

“And?”

“And- Alex, the
guy
he works with-
was there.”

“So? Do you know the
guy
or
something?” she asks, mimicking my tone.

“No,” I answer curtly. “Alex is a woman.”

Silence. Joss didn’t have anything to say;
I guess she was stunned into silence.

“I’m heading to his place as planned,
I’ll figure everything out then. Call you later, ‘kay?”

“Yeah,” she dragged out. “Later.”

The cab dropped me off in front of his
complex and fortunately I remembered where to go. My key opened the door to his
place and it was just as nice as I recalled, but now it was lived in and he had
it set up exactly how I imagined he would. The living room is so small that a
sofa and chair make the space feel even smaller. A TV sits on a cheap particleboard
shelf he probably picked up one weekend when he was bored; it looks like crap.
The place screamed bachelor pad to me and made my heart sad. A pizza box sat on
the counter; empty beer bottles looked stacked for recycle and bare walls
confirmed my fears. I was forgotten.

I walked into his bedroom and I felt like
I didn’t belong; I was intruding on his private space. That was until I saw by
the bed; a frame from home that I didn’t even notice was missing, containing a
picture of us from right after we got engaged. I picked up the picture and
hugged it to my chest before walking back to the sofa with it. I laid down, and
somewhere along the way, I fell asleep, only to wake up to Ryan’s key rattling
in the door.

“What the hell!” Ryan says as he pushes open
the door, stunned by my presence. The greeting is a far cry from the romantic,
dramatic version I created in my head.

“Hey,” I manage, rubbing my eyes, trying
to assess his mood. Ryan is clearly shocked as he stands there staring at me.

“What are you doing here, Em?” He asks as
he walks over and pulls me into an awkward hug.

“Five weeks.” That is my answer.
Five
weeks
. He pushes me back to look at me, and when my eyes don’t meet his, he
bends down to see into mine. There is an unspoken conversation happening, but I
need the words that only he can give me.

Instead of speaking, he grasps my face
between his hands and kisses me softly, and I feel his apology. When I try to
speak, he silences me with his mouth and I give up, allowing him to take
control. He tugs my hand and leads me to the bedroom to show me how much he has
missed me.

Now I’m laying here next to him with the
ceiling fan blasting cool air on my face, my eyes concentrating on the circular
movement. My mind won’t shut off to let me bask in the lovemaking that took
place. All I can think about is Alex, Trey, distance, and fleeting moments.

“Are you okay?” His voice filters through
my thoughts and I turn my head to face him.

“So Alex is a girl, huh?” I’m not mad,
I’m not accusing. I’m just questioning what I already know to be true.

He turns to face me, bearing his weight
on his arm that propped under him before responding. “What are you talking
about?”

“I went to your office earlier, I was
going to surprise you there, but then I heard her. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Ryan’s look remains unfazed by my
question, and I know I have nothing to be worried about. Until he speaks again.
“Why didn’t you tell me I know your client, Mr. Miller?”

I swear my heart just stopped, or at the
very least, the planet ran out of air. “I-, I mean,” I scramble to face him,
trying to find the words, but nothing works. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“And what do you think it looks like to
me?”

Shit! I backed myself into that one.

“I had no idea who he was. I was drunk
that night at the bar; I didn’t even remember him until the end of our first
meeting. I went…” I’m unable to finish my explanation because I see it now.
“Wait! You knew who he was? And you didn’t say anything?”

“Yeah, as soon as he walked up to you
when we went out last time, I knew. Still don’t understand why you didn’t just
tell me.”

“There was nothing to tell,” I reply a
bit too defensively.

“Was? As in there is now?”

“He remembered me, and asked about you,”
I tell him, recalling Trey’s comments the first time I met him. “I told him
we’re engaged and that was the extent of the conversation. So, why didn’t you
tell me about Alex?” I ask, mimicking his tone.

He shrugs his shoulder and rolls onto his
back, staring up at the ceiling. “I didn’t want you to worry because there was
nothing to worry about.”

“I heard the way she talked to you, she’s
interested in you.” And why wouldn’t she be, he’s young, handsome, and nice;
what’s not to like?

“And I saw the way he looked at you, Em.
I’m not blind; he wants you.” His voice is sardonic and perplexed all at once.

I groan and close my eyes, not liking
where this conversation is heading. “I don’t care what Alex wants or what Trey
wants. What do you want, Ryan?”

“Honestly, I’m just not sure. I think we
need to do some serious thinking about what we’re about to do.”

“What are you talking about?”

He rolls over and looks down at me with a
sad face. “I’m talking about getting married.”

My entire world stopped turning when Ryan
said those words. I tried to argue with him, but he insisted that we needed
time to think and figure out if getting married was what
we
still
wanted. I left that night and waited at the airport, hoping to get a seat on a
flight heading home. I had high hopes for our time together, but when it came
down to it, the tension between us was heavy and I knew that nothing was going
to be solved by the end of the weekend.

The entire plane ride, I alternated
between sniffling and avoiding stares of concerned passengers, to sweating
profusely from anger. I kept replaying the conversation over again, looking for
any signs of what he was thinking, but he didn’t hide anything, he said exactly
what he meant.

“Do you
not
want to get
married anymore?” I asked, willing my tears to stay away.

“It’s not that, I just think that we
didn’t really know what we were getting into when we decided to get married,” he
explained. “I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we need to.”

“What are we supposed to talk about?
The fact that you apparently regret asking me to marry you? You’re the one who
said we could make this work, and now you’re giving up. Like that? You must
want out,” I argued, getting out of bed, angry that just ten minutes before we
had made love.

All of my hopes and dreams were tied up
in the
forever
I pictured for us. I guess that was my first mistake.
Forever is something I want, but thinking that he was solely responsible for
providing it was unfair to him. He insisted that we take the next week to think
things out, and talk about it later, when we came to a decision. Needless to
say, this week has been a blur, with me going through the motions at work, and
collapsing when I get home.

We agreed to give it a full week until we
talked again, but I can’t wait until Friday. Tomorrow feels like a lifetime
away and the ache in my heart grows heavier every day.

My sister has always been the one to pick
me up when things have gone bad. Right now, things are terrible. I wish I could
just let it go and pretend that everything is okay. But no matter how much I
try to push the bad out of my head, it creeps back in. Since I don’t want to
burden Langley with my bad relationship crap, I call mom, because she is the
only one who can help me right now. I hope this Scott character isn’t around
when I call.

It’s times like these that I wish my
mother lived in the same town so I could cry on her shoulder. I pick up the
next best thing, my phone, from the counter and head outside to the balcony of
our apartment. The fall air is getting crisp, so I grab a blanket to wrap
around me. This is my favorite time of year because I get to cuddle with Ryan.
Sitting on the patio, alone in one of the chairs, leaves me feeling lonelier
than ever, so I dial my mom’s number before I can stop myself, and of course
she answers on the first ring.

“Emmy-girl,” she says in a singsong tone.
“I was just thinking about you.”

“Hi, mom. You busy?”

“Not too busy to talk to you,” she coos,
annoyingly chipper. I assume boyfriend is gone and she’s drunk because I
haven’t heard her this happy in a while. Ever since dad left, mom has refused
to be alone. Luckily she never really brought men around until Langley and I
were out of the house. But Lang says this new guy is trouble. The longer I
remain quiet, the harder it is to find the words to tell her what’s going on. I
realize that I still haven’t said anything when she speaks up. “Is everything
okay?”

“No,” I cry as a harsh sob escapes, “it’s
not.” And just like that, I’m a blubbering mess. I tell her everything. I tell
her about Trey and his feelings for me. I tell her about Ryan and the girl at
work. I tell her about the secrets we’ve kept from each other and fall apart
when I tell her that Ryan wants us to
think
. When I’m done, a silence
settles across the phone line and I think, for a moment, that we were
disconnected. “Mom?”

“Sweetie,” she starts, and I know I’m not
going to like what comes next. “What did you expect? Of course it’s falling
apart, you’re keeping secrets from each other, why do you think your dad and I
didn’t work out?”

“Ryan is nothing like dad,” I seethe, my
voice is dangerously low. Ryan is a good man, and he loves me.

“No, he’s not. But your father and I got
married young, too young. We didn’t get to experience life. But I wouldn’t
trade it for anything, because I have you and your sister.”

“Wait, so are you saying I should walk
away?” My nervous nail biting habit hits at this moment, and I refrain for only
a moment, before remember that she can’t see me anyway.

“Not at all. You know I love Ryan.” She’s
careful to choose her words, knowing the short fuse I’m on. “But you two have
time.”

“We’re older than you were when you got
married,” I counter, “so maybe it isn’t an age thing.”

“Em, you didn’t grow up witnessing a
successful marriage. You were eight when the ‘donor’, as you so aptly refer to
him, left. We fought all the time, he was a drunk and the day he walked out, I
thanked God he was gone.”

I shake my head at her words, calling
him
a drunk. I can hear the slur in her voice through the phone, and she thinks I
don’t know. She’s always thought she hid things so well, but I know it killed
her when dad left; she was in love with him, flaws and all. It was when he left
that she began to drink.

“So what am I supposed to do?” I ask with
sadness in my voice. “I don’t like what’s happening to us.”

“I know you don’t, but do what he’s
asking. Think about what you want, and listen to what he wants. If it’s meant
to be, it’ll work out.”

She’s quiet, and I know she’s thinking
about him again. “Are you okay, mom?”

“Yeah,” she mumbles as she clears her
throat, removing all emotion from her tone with the sip of her drink. “I’m
good.”

I know she’s lying, but I let it go for
now. “Thanks for the talk. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

When I hang up the phone, questions I
have been unwilling to ask myself float to the surface. And in the quiet of
night, I have nothing else to do but answer them. The night air is quickly
cooling, so I head back in through the screen doors and take a seat on the
beige cloth couch to warm up. The questions repeat in my head like a bad song
that I can’t shake.

Are we too young?

Is Ryan looking for a way out?

Do I have feelings for Trey?

Are we meant to be together?

I’m a problem solver.
I fix and arrange things all day long. Why can’t I
fix this? Since the answers aren’t coming to me easy, I blow out a harsh breath
and walk to my,
our
, bedroom and notice how empty the place is without
him. The dress that I wore to work is in a puddle on the floor where I slipped
it off, but so are my clothes from the last few days. I release an exasperated sigh
before deciding to ignore the growing mess.

All around our tiny apartment are
snapshots of Ryan and me; every single one of them reminds me of how much I
love him. I pull an album from the shelf in my closet to find the picture I’m
looking for; the day Ryan proposed to me. It was the happiest day of my life.

Ryan arranged for my mom and Langley
to surprise us in Las Vegas even though he told me that the two of us were
going alone, as an early graduation present. I was excited because I’d never
been to Vegas. We spent the first day gambling, but that evening we walked all
over the strip. He stopped at several wedding chapels along the way, making
jokes about getting married in a casino. I finally told him that if he didn’t
stop, I’d make him do it and then he’d be stuck with me.

We walked around, holding hands, until
we stopped in front of a little white chapel that was busting at the seams with
people waiting to get married. He turned to me and said, “Let’s do it.” It was
like he was challenging me to object, but I never back down. So I played along,
knowing he wouldn’t go through with it. When they called his name, we walked to
the altar and it became clear he was going to go through with it.

The minister started speaking and it
all became a blur until Ryan waved his arm to stop the guy and looked right at
me. “Emogen Rae deserves more. She deserves flowers and ‘I love yous’ and
family.” He looked past me, and I followed his gaze to see my mom and Langley,
followed by his mom and dad. When I turned back to look at him, he was down on
one knee with a ring in hand, looking at me like I was his world.

His eyes were glassy and his voice
broke when he spoke. “Em, I wasn’t expecting you when you found me, but you
brought laughter and happiness back into my life. Every day since has been
better than the last. I will spend the rest of my life, trying to make you as
happy as you make me. Emogen Rae Kane, will you marry me?”

My body felt heavy and I could not
stand any longer, falling to my knees in front of him. I was sobbing and
laughing while he hugged me. When I said yes, his breathtaking smile was my
reward, and I knew then and there that our forever would be amazing.

It wasn’t the way he proposed that touched
me, it was his words and the way he said them. I felt every ounce of love pour
from those words and thinking about that day, I feel them now.

I love Ryan.

He’s it, the only person in this world
that I want and if I have find work in California to be with him, that’s what
I’ll do for us. Our life
together
is what I want.

Tears fill my eyes, but only because I
know in my soul that we are supposed to be together. With my newfound
confidence intact, I pick up the phone and find Ryan’s name before I lose my
nerve. I may not surrender a fight, but this is one time I don’t mind, because
I will be a winner in the end. This realization solidifies my resolve to see
this phone call through and tell Ryan how much I need him in my life.

On the third ring, I figure he’s not
going to answer and I drop the phone from my ear, only to hear his strained
voice answer. I listen for a moment too long and he speaks up. “Em? Everything
okay?”

“No, it’s not, Ryan. I can’t wait until
tomorrow,” I try to remain calm before continuing. “Since I left you, I have
done everything I can think of to avoid thinking about our problems, but it was
always there and all I’ve done is think. I don’t need another day, I know what
needs to be done.”

“I was going to call you, too,” he says
softly.

“Okay, well, you go ahead, this was your
idea,” I offer, and wait for him to speak.

The silence stretches and with every
second that passes, dread fills me, and it’s confirmed when he speaks. “This
isn’t working, Em,” he whispers so quiet, I think I must have imagined it.

This has to be a joke.
I look around the apartment for something to tell me
I’m losing my mind, because I did not just hear those words come from Ryan’s
mouth. “You there?”

A desperate sob escapes, and I don’t care
to stop it. “What? Are you serious?”

“Oh God,” he sighs, and I know he
expected me to come to the same conclusion. “Em, no. It’s just, I’ve done a lot
of thinking, and things have been a mess for a while,” he starts, but I don’t
let him finish.

“So that’s it? Just like that, you’re
done. Are you saying that you don’t love me anymore? That you made a mistake?”

“No, that’s not it at all. I do love you.
Hell, if I didn’t, this wouldn’t hurt so much. But this, between us, isn’t
right. You’re keeping things from me; I’m keeping things from you. This isn’t
what a relationship, let alone a marriage, is supposed to be. Can you honestly
tell me that you’re happy?”

“At this moment? No. But you make me
happy Ryan. I love you and I did what you asked, I thought about it. And the
only thing I keep coming back to is that I love you so damn much and we are
supposed to be together. Yet here you are breaking my heart.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“But you
are
hurting me. You’re walking
away. You’re quitting!”

That’s what it is, he’s quitting.

“I’m trying to do right by both of us,”
he argues, but I don’t want to hear it. He’s not doing this for us; he’s doing
it for him.

“Is there more to this? Did you already
know that you wanted out when I was there this weekend?”

“What?” he gasps, trying to figure out
what I’m accusing him of. “What in the hell are you talking about?”

“Alex, Ryan,” I yell. “Is there more to
this than you’re admitting. I mean, clearly she wants you and I know you’ve
gone out with her. You can try to play dumb all you want, but let’s at least be
honest. Do you want to know the
truth
about Trey? Truth is, he’s my
friend. He told me he has feelings for me, but you know what I told him? I told
him that I love you and that
you
are my future. I just had no idea that
I wasn’t yours.”