Mine to Lose (23 page)

“Nora’s going to be fine,” he says
squeezing him hand.

“I know.” I look him in the eyes, because
I believe it with all my heart. “It’s a lot to take in.”

I open my car door to get out and he
meets me on the curb. He pulls me into his arms and I hug him back, because
even though he doesn’t know what he lost, I do, and I’m sorry for that.

“Thanks for dropping me off, Ryan. I
enjoyed being with you.”

“Me, too.” He kisses the top of my head
before pulling away. “Call or text me when you get in?”

I nod before walking away to enter the
airport.

The last time we were in an airport
together, I was dropping him off, saying a temporary goodbye. This time, the
goodbye is final, in more ways than one. The tears aren’t for me and the
separation I feel, it’s for each of us, and what I know we lost, and the hurt
I’m sparing him.

How long does it take to get over a
loss?

I’ve asked myself that question almost
every day for the last three weeks. And every time, I come up with the same
answer: Not today. It hurts a little less, but it’s still there. I haven’t
talked to Ryan since that day at the airport. I sent him a text when I landed,
but that was it.

 Joss was waiting for me when I
landed and despite how angry I was with her before, I’m happy she was there. I
didn’t tell her anything about the baby, and like everyone else, she perceived
my silence for concern about my mom. I let them all believe that; it was easier
than admitting the truth. The thing is, Mom is better than she has been in a
long time. She put her house up for sale, and she is going to move in with Aunt
Gertie. Originally that sounded like a nightmare in the making, but hell, it
beats being worried that something could happen to her again. I think the two
of them are getting along, or as close to it as they can get.

She doesn’t have as much pain, and was weaned
off the pain meds rather quickly. Lang called me last week and told me that mom
started attending meetings for alcohol dependency. I’m not sure if she’ll stick
with it, but I’m hopeful. When I talk to her now, I feel like I have the mom I
lost years ago, and it’s nice. Scott is supposed to be going to trial at some
point, but all I care about is that Mom is safe, and she’s doing better.

Trey has been an amazing friend; somehow,
filling the void that Ryan left. Since he’s the only one besides my mom who
knows about the baby, when I’m around him, I get to be myself. I don’t have to
hide what I’m going through, not that we even talk about it. It’s nice to know
that someone knows why I am the way I am. We’ve been spending more time
together, going out for lunch a couple of times a week, and grabbing dinner
after work. He’s done his best to distract me from my sadness, but he also
understands that there is only so much he can do.

I don’t think Joss likes the time I’m spending
with him, but she’s kept her mouth shut. She seems to think there is more going
on between us, but I also haven’t done anything to make her think otherwise.

 When he asked me to come over
tonight for dinner and a movie, I was happy for the chance to get out from
under Joss’ watchful eye. I haven’t been to his place before and under any
other circumstances, this would be considered a date, but this is just me
hanging out my friend. But I can’t deny that it’s always there when we’re
together, I’d be a fool not to feel
something
for him. But it’s nothing
compared to what I feel for Ryan. And maybe someday, when I get past that,
there could be a chance for Trey and me, but I’m not about to ask him to wait.

“Ok, I have something to admit,” he says
from his kitchen.

“O-kay, shoot,” I say, despite the
strange feeling I have in the pit of my stomach.

He walks into the living carrying two
plates, handing me one, “I don’t cook. So I hope you like turkey sandwiches.”

I can’t help but laugh as I take my plate
and set it on the coffee table in front of me. “Lucky for you, I’m not fancy.”

He sits next to me on the floor and we
start eating while watching the movie. I don’t know why I let him pick, it’s
some artsy movie that I heard about but had never grabbed my interest enough to
want to watch, and now I know why. It’s boring. I keep yawning and saying crude
remarks, teasing him about his movie choice, but he laughs it off.

“I can’t sit on the floor anymore, want
something to drink while I’m up? Wine? Beer?”

I lift myself to sit on the couch; the
floor is killing my back. “Wine sounds good.”

When he returns, he hands me a glass and
sits next to me, but it’s not uncomfortable. The movie is quite boring and my
eyes are getting heavy. I can’t even drink the wine, because I know it will
only make me even more tired.

I have no idea how long the movie was, or
what happened, all I know is that the credits are rolling and I’m practically
drooling on Trey’s shoulder. Despite my best efforts, I guess I couldn’t hack
it. He looks down at me and laughs, wrapping his arms around my shoulder to
make me feel more comfortable. If someone had told me months ago when I met
Trey, that he would be one of my closest friends, I would have thought they
were crazy. Yet here we are.

“You can stay here tonight if you want,”
he says as he rubs my arm.

“Nah, I should get home. But thanks for the
nap,” I tease as I sit up.

“You missed a good movie,” he argues with
a laugh.

“Trey?” I look and wait until I have his
attention. “If it was so good, why did you fall asleep?”

“What? No I didn’t,” he protests as he
gets to his feet.

I remain seated, watching him with a
raised brow. “Are you sure about that? Because you were asleep before me.”

He lets out a yawn and stretches his arms
over his head, his t-shirt lifting to reveal a glimpse of his abs. I turn my
head away, embarrassed that I even looked. He reaches his hands out to pull me
up from my seat.

“You sure you don’t want to stay? You can
sleep in my bed,” he offers as he walks me to the door.

“I’m sure. I’d hate for you to sleep on
the couch.” I nudge his arm with mine.

“Who said I was sleeping on the couch?”
he asks with a smirk.

“Thanks for dinner and the lame-ass
movie,” I joke when he opens the door. Without even thinking, I turn and give
him a hug, because the move has become something we do often.

“Anytime,” he responds before catching me
off-guard with a small kiss to my lips, as if that’s something we do all the
time, too.

I start to lift my hand to my lips,
finding the unfamiliar gesture too much, too soon, but drop it, unsure how to
react.

“So, Lang’s wedding is next weekend. If
you don’t have any plans, do you want go with me? I’m sure there’ll be some
available ladies there.” I smile, effectively ignoring his kiss.

“There’s only one I’m interested in, but
she’s not really available, yet.” His lopsided grin disappears with a wink.
“But I’d be happy to be her date anyway.”

“Trey-” I start, but he doesn’t let me
finish.

“You have a lot going on in your life. I
know that. I’ll be whatever you need me to be right now, no pressure,” he says
like he’s thought about it before. How could someone
not
fall for him?
But he’s right, I do have a lot going on, and taking care of myself is what I
need to do.

When I am safe in my car, I rest my head
against the seat back and close my eyes, steadying my breathing. Trey was
someone I never counted on coming into my life, and now that he’s here, he’s
become an important part. But the only future I see for us is that of friends,
and until I finally give up on the idea of an ever after with Ryan, that’s all
it can be. I hope when Trey realizes this; he’ll still be okay with our friend
status.

* * *

“How was the movie?” Joss asks when I
walk in.

“I don’t know, I fell asleep,” I remark
in a bland tone, because that’s what the movie was.
Bland.

“Ah, so you ‘fell asleep,’ huh? Did Trey
‘fall asleep’ on you?” she asks with air quotes.

I toss a kitchen rag at her and laugh.
“Damn, Joss. Unlike you, falling asleep isn’t a euphemism. I really did fall asleep.
The movie was awful.”

“Damn,” she scoffs taking a seat on the
couch. “You need to hit that already, or let someone else put a dent in it.”

“Okay!” I shout, heading to my room.
“Conversation over. Good night.”

I close the door before she responds and
start laughing. She’s right, someone should hit that, it’s just not going to be
me. The first time I saw Trey, I thought he was Joss’ type. But then again, if
it moves, he’s her type.

I love living with Joss, but at some
point, I need to get my own place. We are opposite in personality, but we make
up for it in loyalty. However, if I stay here too much longer, we might kill
each other. Someday, I’ll tell her what happened last month, and I’ll share my
sadness over my loss, but that won’t be today. I grab a t-shirt and shorts from
my dresser and change my clothes. I didn’t wear much makeup to Trey’s but if I
don’t take what little I do have off, I’ll have that whole raccoon eyed thing
happening in the morning.

My phone starts playing a familiar ring
tone that I designated for Langley months ago, “
In the Meantime”
by
Spacehog. I haven’t talked to her in a couple of days and I know she’s swamped
with all of her wedding plans. Had they waited until February, like they
planned, everything would be fine, but Mom’s hospital stay put a rush on the
nuptials. My sister will be saying her “I do’s” in just over a week, so I talk
to her when she has time, and help out as much as I can from here.

“What’s up?” I ask, answering the phone.

“You alone?” she asks as though I’m in
constant company.

“Always, sis. Thanks for the reminder,” I
respond in monotone before I laugh.

“Okay, I’ve been waiting for you to bring
this up, but you haven’t so I guess I’m going to.” Her mothering tone makes me
smile.

“Shoot!”

“Last month when mom was in the hospital
you were the first one to talk to her, right?”

“Yeah, what’s your point?”

“After you left, I was talking to her and
she pointed to the trash can next to the bed,” she pauses, no doubt waiting for
my mind to catch up. “I thought she was telling me to throw something away, but
she wrote down, ‘look,’ and I still didn’t know what she was talking about.
So-”

“You know,” I finish for her, my nose
starts to burn and I know the tears aren’t far behind.

“Yeah, Em. I know.” Her voice is defeated,
and I know she’s not mad at me for not telling her, she’s sad for what I
experienced.

“No one knows, besides Mom and Trey,” I
admit, fighting my emotions.

“Trey knows?” Her shocked tone gives
everything away.

“It’s not like that. Remember I told you
I was on a date? I was out with Trey, and he was really understanding about
what I was going through and he was putting himself out there, and I blurted it
out. It was more of my way of letting him know why I couldn’t give him more.”

“What happened? Why didn’t you want to
tell me?”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell
you, I didn’t even know Mom could hear me. When she asked me about it the next
day, I was shocked. I had just found out the day before, and I was scared.”

Tears stream down my face and I wonder if
they’ll ever stop. “I took a test and I knew I was carrying Ryan and my baby.
Part of me was so happy, and the bigger part was scared. When I told Trey, it
was my way of putting the brakes on any feelings he might have for me. Ryan has
been my world for three years.”

“No, Em, he’s been
part
of your
world. You can’t make him the center of your life,” she reminds me in the way
only she can.

“You’re right. I know that. I was
surprised that he was at the hospital, but at the same time, that’s Ryan, even
when things are jacked up, he’s still where he feels he needs to be, and that
day, it was there with me. I knew then that no matter what, I couldn’t give my
heart to anyone else because Ryan takes up the biggest part of it. When I saw
him, he and the baby I was carrying were nestled in the most untouchable place
in my heart, and even if Ryan and I were never together again, that piece will
always belong to him. But then I saw Scott and all rational thinking went out
of my head. I’ve replayed my actions over and over, and I can’t help but wonder
if I would have miscarried if I had just listened to you and called the cops
instead of going after him like I did.”

I hear her sob and it causes my own tears
to fall. “You don’t know what would have happened, and you can’t think like
that. It’s not your fault.”

“You don’t know that.” My guilt surfaces
and I don’t fight it. “Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom. I wasn’t thinking
about my baby when I went after that asshole.”

“Stop it!” Her voice is stern and I know
she means business. “Don’t do that to yourself, you don’t know what would have
happened. You reacted, and regardless, you were protecting someone. You will be
the most amazing mom; I have no doubt. I can’t even begin to imagine what
you’ve been going through; I wish you would have told me sooner, but I’m not
sure what I could have said to make it better.”

“Nothing,” I admit. “Nothing is making it
better, and I can only hope and pray that someday I’ll wake up and it’ll hurt a
little less.”