Mine to Lose (24 page)

I told Langley that I would come out a
few days before the wedding to help her get ready. Knowing that she knows
everything, I don’t feel so guarded, and I know that we have reached an even
closer point in our relationship. My sister has been, and will always be, one
of the most trusted people in my life, but sharing with her the darkest point
in my life somehow made it more. We haven’t talked about it again, but I know
that if I need to, she and Mom are there, waiting for me.

My sister is one of the most unorganized
people I know, hence why the wedding date moving up didn’t seem to faze her,
until two days before the wedding. I need everything in its place, and
sometimes I wish I were a little more flexible like Lang. I knew she would
start stressing out, so I had a binder, similar to what we use for work, ready
to go with everything we needed to do. We ran through a checklist of things
like the florist, DJ, minister and caterer, of which only the minister was not
accounted for.

“You realize you can’t get married
without a minister, right? Didn’t you line one up?” I ask.

“Of course I did,” she snaps at me.

“What happened to him?”

“If I knew that, would I be getting a
lecture right now?”

“Okay, give me his name, and I’ll make
some calls. I need you to go pick up your dress and make sure you try it on
this time,” I remind her, as she leaves. Last time Lang went in, she took the
dress home and waited three days before trying it on. When she did, I was the
one to get the frantic phone call that the dress what still too big.

“I’m not an idiot, Em,” she says, turning
into a true bridezilla. However, she is the only person in this world I would
accept such behavior from.

The rest of the day, I was calling all
over town, and contacting whatever connections I had to line someone up to
marry my sister and Reid. I finally asked Aunt Gertie if she knew anyone and
she smiled a wry smile and gave me the name of Reverend Jameson. He is a
retired minister, but can still marry couples, and since we were in a jam, he agreed
to perform the ceremony.

Coming out a few days early served two
purposes: I was able to help Lang out with everything that I knew she didn’t
take care of, but I also got out of having to fly out with Trey. It’s not that
it would have been terrible, but there is still the question of whether he and
I will get together. I do love Trey, but as a friend. He called today to say
his flight is coming in early tomorrow morning, but he’s getting a rental car,
which gives me time to spend with my mom and Langley before she takes the walk
down the aisle.

She didn’t want a bachelorette party, she
wants to spend time alone with mom and me, and that sounds great. We went to
Aunt Gertie’s and despite her surly personality, she disappeared for the night
so we could be alone. Only Mom, Lang and I know what it’s like to be us, and
only we know what it’s like to be there for each other. Things have turned into
shit and have gotten better, only to go back, but in the end, I know these are
the two women I can always count on. We share blood, but we share so much more
and tomorrow, we open our lives up to a new person, and I know Reid is the
perfect addition.

“I know I haven’t always done right by
you girls, but you have to know how much I love you. You are the two most
important people in my life, and I’m so grateful God gave you to me. I will do
everything in my power to be what you need, and I’m sorry I lost my way for a
while.”

“Mom,” Lang interjects, “you are our mom
and we love you.” I nod in agreement as she continues, “It’s never been easy
being us, but I think we’ve always been there for each other. I’m so proud of
what you’ve done for yourself, you are so much stronger than you’ve given
yourself credit for.”

Mom’s eyes well with tears as she reaches
her hands to each of our faces, “You girls are my world and if I’ve ever given
you a reason to believe otherwise, I’m so sorry.”

We spend the rest of the night recalling
happier times and laughing at our more entertaining moments growing up. But
mostly, it’s being together in a way that we haven’t in a long time.

* * *

“C’mon, Em,” Langley fusses as she adjusts
my dress for the tenth time. “Everything is about to start.” She kisses my
cheek and rubs the spot where her lips touched to remove any trace of lipstick.
“I love you, sis.”

“Love you, too.” I smile at her, because
she is the epitome of beauty today. “You need to stop all this fussing over me.
It is
your
day!” I remind her.

Her wedding dress is a cream-colored
sleeveless gown that flows from the waist. A beautiful, elaborate lace overlay
exposes the small of her back, a small bow, flowing into the spills of the
gown. She is wearing a set of pearls that belonged to our grandmother, probably
nothing more than costume jewelry, but we never cared enough to find out. All
we knew is that they were beautiful. Her hair is pulled into a low bun to the
left of her neck and I’ve never seen Lang look more elegant.

She walks over to me to make a final
adjustment to my coral-colored bridesmaid dress. This is not my color, and if
it weren’t Lang’s wedding day, there’s no way I’d be wearing this dress. The
gown is an off the shoulder dress that is fitted at the top with a navy sash.
Under any other circumstances, I would not be caught dead in this dress, but I
guess that’s how weddings are. I can’t help but feel like I’m going to prom,
all decked out, but there’s no place I’d rather be. I had hoped that she would
have picked another color for the dresses, but when Lang makes her mind up, she
sticks with it.

She only has two bridesmaids and I begged
her to let me wear my hair down. I was so grateful when she agreed, as long as
I let her have it styled. When I look in the mirror and see my blonde locks
curled and sprayed with so much stuff, I smile for my small victory. At this
point, I’d be surprised if my hair moved at all.

“They’re ready for you,” a friend
announces to Lang before shutting the door. She asked Mom to give her away, a
gesture we didn’t think she’d be capable of two months ago.

She walks over to me and we hug tightly
before Mom joins us, “I’m so proud of you girls.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I say easily. “Are you
sure you’re up for giving her away?”

“I’ll never give you away,” she whispers
to us as our foreheads are pressed together. “Are you ready for this?” she asks
Lang, who smiles like she’s won the prize.

Neither of us can say anything and Mom
nudges me forward so I can follow Lang’s friend. I look back to see the two of
them, foreheads together and Mom touching Lang’s face. It’s a beautiful image
that will be burned in my memory forever.

My big sister has always been my biggest
champion, and today, I’m hers. I know, in the brief time that I’ve been around Reid
that he will be by her side and take care of her. I don’t think I’ve ever been as
sure of something as I am of that.

I step outside the doors of Aunt Gertie’s
guest room and collect myself before proceeding down the stairs where the
ceremony will take place.

The door opens as I start to relax and
Lang is looking at me. “Hey, I forgot to tell you, Ryan’s coming today.” And
then she shuts the door before I can say anything in return. What am I supposed
to do with that bit of knowledge?

My eyes are closed and I inhale a deep,
steadying breath, calming my growing nerves. The door clicks shut and my eyes
open, thankful that I’m alone. I hear the commotion downstairs, but the
conversations are muffled. I turn to the small mirror in the hallway to face my
reflection and try to push myself to get through this day.

I can’t believe this is about to
happen.
In a few minutes, I will
walk down the aisle and watch Langley, who never wanted to get married, become
Langley Donovan. My stomach turns in anticipation, excited for my sister and waiting
for the cue to make my way down the stairs.

As I walk down the steps, the living room
is filled with the few family members we have, but mostly, it’s friends that
Langley has accumulated over the years. A violin plays the music near the stop
where they will exchange vows and I look around and spot both Ryan and Trey,
but only one of them makes my heart skip a beat.

A smile is plastered on my face as I take
my place near where Lang will stand. Someone, who I can only assume is a friend
of Reid, stands as his best man and smiles at one of the guests, who I assume
is his date.

Ryan’s eyes remain on me, I can feel them
steady and affectionate, but I do my best to avoid them, as well as the gaze
from Trey. The wedding march begins and I look at the center of the aisle to
see Mom, escorting Langley, who can’t hide her smile, down the aisle. I think
my cheeks will hurt in the morning, because I’m so happy at this moment in
time, and I never want to let it go.

Mom hands her over to Reid, and the two
face the minister to exchange their vows. I can’t stop smiling at the two of
them, and I silently curse myself for doubting that my sister found someone who
fits her so easily. They begin exchanging vows and I hold the ring that Lang will
place on Reid’s finger. Both of them barely look anywhere but at each other.

I’m not a jealous person, but I have to
admit I’m envious at how easily this comes to the both of them. Then again, I’m
not aware of their journey or their struggle, so who am I to judge?

My eyes wander and finally land on Ryan,
despite my best efforts to avoid him.

“Do you promise to honor, love and obey,
for as long as you both shall live?” the minister asks Lang.

“I do,” she answers. But my eyes never
leave Ryan.

“Reid, do you take Langley Jennifer Kane,
to be your lawfully wedded wife? To love and protect, all the days of your
life?” the minister finishes, looking up from his bible.

“I do,” Reid responds dutifully.

Langley takes the ring from me and places
it on Reid’s finger, while he mimics the action. The two can’t keep their eyes
off each other, their grins replacing any other emotion they’re experiencing.

“By the power vested in me by the state
of Utah, I pronounce you husband and wife,” he pauses and smiles. “You may now
kiss the bride.”

Applause and cheers fill the room and my
hands join in, but all I can see is Ryan, who is beaming with pride for my
sister. I swipe a tear away, as I look at Langley, who has never looked more
beautiful.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time
as husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Reid Donovan,” the DJ announces as they enter
the tent outside. Their guests clap and cheer as they immediately start their
first dance, staring into each other’s eyes, carrying a conversation only the
two of them are aware of.

I can’t help but think of the wedding
that Ryan and I would have had and wonder if things would have gone as smoothly
for us. Regardless of our fate, my sister has found her perfect match, and I
smile on with the rest of her guests as she dances in the arms of her husband,
my new brother-in-law.

Trey is sitting at a table in the back
corner when I finally walk over to greet him. The day has been a whirlwind, but
he’s there for me, and it’s nice to see a familiar face.

“You look beautiful,” he says with a
smile as he stands up to kiss my cheek.

“Thanks,” I answer with a wrinkle of my
nose. “Coral isn’t my color.”

“I didn’t know you didn’t have a color,”
he offers as he pulls a chair out for me.

“You’re biased,” I tease, shoving his
shoulder. We sit, side by side, admiring my sister and her new husband while
they dance their first dance. Every once in a while, he nudges his arm to mine,
but we remain still for the most part.

I don’t know what, if anything, I would
have done differently if I knew that Ryan would be here. I’m not surprised;
he’s been so close to my family since I introduced him years ago. It’s a little
strange seeing him across the room, and every once in a while when our eyes
meet, I feel like it’s just the two of us.

The reception continues, but I feel sad
and out of place. I don’t want to bring a damper on the festivities, so I slip
out at the first opportunity and make use of one of Aunt Gertie’s rooms. It
still has floral wallpaper and an antique vanity that most would consider a
find, but to me, it’s just another piece of my childhood. I sit on the bed to
collect my thoughts and have a moment to myself.

“I thought I’d find you in here,” Mom declares
as she shuts the door. “When you girls were little, this was your favorite room
to hide in.”

“Really?” I ask, not at all remembering.

“Yep,” she nods and points to the closet.
“I’d end up finding you in the closet asleep. You would get mad when I’d wake
you up and you’d tell me this was your safe place. Nothing bad could get you in
there.”

I shake my head, unable to recall that
memory, but I know in part it has to be true, because I feel that way right
now. “Why aren’t you out there?”

“I saw you walk off, and I wanted to make
sure you’re okay,” she says, taking a seat on the bed next to me.

“I’m okay. I didn’t know Ryan was going
to be here, and I haven’t really had a chance to talk to him,” I admit, staring
at my fingers.

“What would you say to him if you had the
chance?”

I shrug my shoulders, because I’m not
sure what I would say to him. “It’s Lang’s day. I’ll be fine.”

Mom wraps her arms around me and holds me
like she hasn’t done in years. I exhale and close my eyes, letting her do not
only what she needs to do, but also what I’ve needed her to do. “It’s okay to
let it be about you, too.” She kisses the top of my head and walks out of the
room, leaving me to figure out what I’m going to do. But one thing is for sure,
I need to get back downstairs before my sister starts to worry.

Music fills the tent and I move my hips
to the music rhythmically. I stop when I see Ryan and Trey, standing side by
side, watching the guests dance, and they seem to be getting along. I don’t
know whether to approach them or stay back and watch, but when they catch me
looking at them, the choice is made for me. I plaster a bright smile on my face
and walk to where the two men stand and both return my smile.

“What’s up?” I ask, since I have nothing
else to offer.

“Not much,” Ryan says, nodding to Trey.

“So you two know each other now?”

“Well, we met once before,” Trey reminds
me. I look over at him and narrow my eyes at his brazen approach to the
situation, but shake it off with a grin. I know Trey now, and he’s not one to
start trouble.

“It’s good to see you, Ryan.” I confess
with a smile. “I thought you said you weren’t going to make it.”

“Yeah, well, you know Lang, she can be
pretty persuasive,” he reminds me; guilt has always been her means of
motivation. I look over to see my sister look away in a hurry and I realize I’m
being set up.

“I think Ryan was going to ask you to
dance,” Trey says, looking directly into my eyes with a smile. He’s pushing me
to engage Ryan in some way and it’s becoming clear this whole thing is a
conspiracy.

“Oh really?” I ask, looking at Ryan, who
appears shocked by Trey’s revelation, but recovers well.

“Yeah.” He furrows his brow when he looks
at Trey, who just nods his head in consent. “If you’re up for it.”

“Sure,” I respond, offering my hand as he
leads me to the dance floor. I look over my shoulder at Trey who nods his head
with a tight smile, pushing me to do what I’ve needed to do for a while.

A familiar song plays as Ryan pulls me
into his arms, but we keep a safe distance, which feels awkward. We move like
teenagers being watched under a microscope, mostly because I know that I have
at least three people watching every move I make. No matter what’s happened
between us, I can’t fight it; Ryan’s arms are my home.

He pulls my body closer to his, my head
tucked safely under his chin. This is the one place where I have always known I
belonged, until he said I didn’t.

  His hand grips my waist as we move
to the music. I want to stay here forever, but everything has changed, and he
has no idea how much. The longer I stay here with him; the innocence of our
dance becomes less so, at least for me, because more than anything, I want to
tell him everything. My arms are wrapped through his, holding him like it’s the
last time I ever will, and it rips my heart out. Every time I’ve been near him,
it feels like the last time, and I don’t think I can survive another last.

If I turn my face up, just a fraction, my
lips will be within touching distance of his. Two months ago, I wouldn’t have
hesitated to plant a kiss to those lips, and despite the pull telling me to do
it, I can’t. Even when he drops his face closer to mine, the urge to make a
move is hard to ignore. His left hand leaves its home on my waist and trails up
to find my hand, and he pulls it to his chest and inhales so deep, it seems
that it’s a release.

My breathing is becoming rapid as I fight
the forces that keep throwing us together. When I pull my head back to look at
him, my forehead is near his when he whispers, “Don’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t, Em. Whatever you’re thinking
right now, just let it go,” he whispers as he pulls me close to him again.

“What are you trying to do to me?” I ask
of him while we continue to move to the music. “You told me you didn’t want to
be with me anymore. I need you to let me go.”

“I never said that. I’ve never stopped
wanting you,” he says before pulling me back to look at me.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my eyes closed
for fear that looking at him right now will destroy anything left of me. I take
a deep breath. “I have to go.”

“You can finish this song with me, Em.” His
voice is almost a whisper, as he pleads for me to stay with him.

“I really can’t.” My voice is desperate
as I pull away.

“Open your eyes; look at me,” he whispers
directly into my ear.

Calming my nerves, I finally open my eyes
at look directly into his.
Don’t do it
, I tell myself.
Don’t kiss him
.
This would be the time, under different circumstances, to kiss the lips of the
man I have loved so much. I blink back whatever tears were there and search his
face for reasons why. Loving him was never the problem.

“Em,” he says staring down at me, “I love
you; that has
never
stopped.”

I pull myself from his arms and walk
away, unable to respond for fear of word vomit. I walk toward Trey and shake my
head as I reach him to grab my coat. “I need a minute.” I look at his concerned
face and offer what I’m able. “I’ll be back.” He gives me a quick hug before I
walk to the exit, but I’m stopped again.

Langley is standing near the entrance,
“What’s wrong? Where are you going?”

“It’s too hard, Lang. I’m sorry, I need a
few minutes alone.” I reach for her hand to reassure her. “I’ll be back, I
promise.”