Mine to Lose (20 page)

Langley: Call me

Trey is watching me closely with a
concerned look on his face. “Everything okay?”

I tuck the phone back into my purse,
“Yeah, just Lang checking up on me.”

“Y’all are close, huh?”

“She’s my rock, I don’t know what I’d do
without her. I love my mom, but when she was too messed up to take care of us,
Lang stepped up and did it all. She’s amazing, which is why I will do anything
for her.”

Our dinner comes out and looks amazing, but
my feeling of hunger fades and I can only manage to eat a few bites. Trey
ordered some wine, but I told him that I’m allergic to the sulfites, so I
wouldn’t have to drink. The waitress brings us our check and I assume the
evening is over, but he’s got more planned.

“Have you ever been to City Park?”

“I haven’t,” I inform him happily.

He looks at my converse and nods in approval.
“Great, you’ve got on the perfect shoes for a walk.”

It was beginning to snow when we left the
restaurant, which isn’t surprising in December. I love this time of year
because it’s perfect for huddling inside with a cup of coffee and a good book.
I’m not one to sightsee when it’s cold, but I’m enjoying Trey’s company. It’s
picturesque with the streetlight illuminating the grounds; people are milling
around, or sitting on benches, content in the silence. He leads us to a
concrete wall to sit on facing the Denver skyline. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

How have I lived here for almost a year and
never seen this before? I’ve been too afraid to leave the comfort of what I
know, to explore one of the most amazing places here. “I love it out here,” I
finally say to him.

We remain in comfortable silence, sitting
so close that our arms are touching and his body offers warmth on this cold
night. The wind and the snow whip my hair around in every direction, so I close
my eyes and turn into the wind to get it off my face. I gather my hair into a
messy ponytail and once it’s secured and there’s no threat of stray hairs
poking my eyes, I open them to find Trey staring at me. He reaches for my hand
and I let him take it because it’s freezing, and I like that he’s being so
considerate.

“Damn, your hands are like ice. Do you
wanna head back?”

I shake my head, unable to answer through
my chattering teeth. He laughs and pulls me close to his chest, rubbing his
hand up and down my back. Being here with him like this feels easy, but I know
deep down, it’s anything but. He leans back to pull away from me and cocks his
head to the side. He’s still holding my hand and it’s the only time I’ve seen
him look nervous, and I know what’s coming.

He leans in to kiss me but I pull away
apologetically. He starts to say something, but stops short and I feel bad for
the disappointment I see in his eyes. As someone I’ve grown to consider a friend,
being here with him holds so much promise, but I can’t give him what he wants.

“Em, there’s no rush. I know that you’re
still coming to terms with what happened between you and Ryan. I’m sorry, I
shouldn’t have pushed.”

“No,” I shake my head, feeling too many
things at once. “It’s not that. I mean, it is, I love Ryan and this is all so
sudden, but I don’t think I can ever give you what you want. You have been such
a good friend to me, and that’s all I can offer in return.”

He starts to loosen his grip on my hands,
but I hold firm to his, wanting him to talk to me. “We’re friends, right,
Trey?” I ask, repeating the words he has said to me many times.

Shaking his head, a sardonic smile on his
handsome face, he finally answers, “Yeah. We’re friends, but it
has
felt
like more. Shit, I wish it didn’t, because I know you don’t feel the same.”

I free one of my hands from his grasp and
reached out to his face and he looks upon me skeptically. “Trey, I’d be lying
if I said I didn’t feel something. But-”

Before I can finish my sentence, he cups
my face in his hands and plants the softest, sweetest kiss to my lips.
Butterflies that went away some time ago reappear, causing my pulse to
accelerate. He stops kissing me and rests his forehead to mine, and my eyes
remain closed. It was a beautiful, perfect kiss, and one that I have imagined
before. Hell, it was better than the way he kissed me in my dreams all those
nights. But I can’t help but compare it to all of those I’ve shared with Ryan
over the years.

Flashes of Ryan kissing me for the first
time on our second date outside of his Jeep, when I aced my midterm, after he had
tutored me all night, in front of his parent’s house before I met them for the
first time, flood my memory. Ryan is and will always be the love of my life,
and even though we’re not together, it’s not fair to give Trey hope when there
is none. When he opens his eyes he wipes away the tear that escaped while I was
missing Ryan, and he smiles, assuming something else.

“Just give me a chance to make you
happy,” he pleads.

“Trey,” I pause, because I haven’t said
these words to anyone else, but I have to. “I’m pregnant.”

His back straightens and his eyes grow
wide as my words sink in. “Does Ryan know?”

I open my mouth to answer but my phone
vibrates in my purse, so I look at the screen and notice it’s Ryan, but I’ve
missed several texts and calls. I swipe my finger to answer the call, “Hello?”

“Em,” I can tell his in his voice he is
bracing me for something, “It’s me- it’s Ryan.”

Seconds.

In mere seconds, everything in your life
can change. One minute you’re coming to terms with the knowledge that you’re
pregnant and having to share the news for the first time, to hearing something
that literally makes you drop to your knees. My phone slipped from my hand to
the grassy area below while I tried to catch my breath, feeling like someone
just kicked me hard in the stomach.

“Em?” Ryan’s voice calls out to me. “Are
you there? Did you hear what I said?” Ryan asks in a rush.

I locate my phone inches from where my
body is plastered to the ground and hold the device to my ear. “What happened?
Where is she?”

“Em, you need to calm down. What’s going
on?” Trey whispers next to me, but I can’t answer, I’m trying to gather as much
information from Ryan as I can.

“Lang called me about thirty minutes ago.
She’s been trying to get a hold of you all night. She asked me to keep trying
because her battery was going dead. I don’t know everything, just that your mom
was in some sort of accident and she’s at the hospital right now.”

“Was it Scott?” I ask, bile rising in my
throat at having to ask the question.

“Your sister seems to think so. Listen,
Em- ” I can tell he’s getting ready to warn me.

“I will kill the bastard,” I inform him
so low and even, that I believe I actually might have it in me.

“The cops are looking for him, but right
now, we have to focus on your mom because she needs you.” The anger slowly
recedes and tears begin to form.

“Is it bad?” I ask through my tears.
Before I can even register the action, Trey is guiding me back to his car,
tucking me into the passenger seat.

I hear him let out a shaky breath and I
know. “Yeah. It’s really bad. You need to get there as soon as you can.”

“Tell Langley I’m headed to the airport
right now, I’ll catch the first flight I can.”

“Okay, Em. Be careful.”

His words echo in my ears, but only
faintly behind the others I’m still trying to process.
She’s at the
hospital.
I don’t have time to decipher anything else because all I want to
do is go home so I can be with my mom and my sister. “Yeah, I will,” I whisper.
“Hey, thanks for letting me know.”

I hang up the phone and my hand starts
shaking and sobs rack my body. Trey is the epitome of calm, driving me to the
airport without uttering a word. When we arrive, he parks his car and walks me
to the ticketing agent who sees my haggard appearance. Trey stands beside me,
speaking to the agent requesting availability for the next flight out to Salt
Lake City. I’ll have to drive almost an hour to get to my mom, but it beats
driving eight hours through the night. I’m sure this ticket is going to be
expensive, but I don’t care. The moment she says she has room on the nine
thirty flight, I pull out my credit card so I can hurry up and get through
security.

Trey is beside me when I meander through
the line to be screened. I throw my arms around his waist and sob into his
chest. “Thank you so much for getting me here.”

“Em, I know this is hard, but you need to
try to calm down. You have a baby to think about now, you can’t stress yourself
out,” he says as he rubs my back while he hugs me.

I’ve been so consumed with what’s going
on that I actually forgot that he’s right. I wipe my eyes and nod at him,
appreciating his concern. He takes my face in his hands and kisses my forehead
as the TSA agent calls me forward. I give him one last hug and walk away from
him, having no clue what awaits me when I get to the hospital.

Everything that’s happened since Ryan
called is a blur. I go from crying hysterically, to doing everything I can to
control my rage. I’m mad at my mom for staying with this guy, even though she
knows Lang hates him. I’m mad at myself for not being more involved to know how
bad it really was. And more than anything, I want to face Scott and tell him
exactly where he can go. I want to see him rot in jail with nothing and no one
to save him.

I make it through security and take a
seat at the gate, my body physically aching from my sobs and clenching muscles.
I try to remember what Trey said, but every time I do my best to relax, I
remember that this guy has hurt my mom time and again. It makes me sick. She
makes me sick. And then I feel guilty for how angry I am with her, when I have
no idea what condition she’s in.

* * *

I made the drive to Provo in forty-five
minutes flat, catching almost every stoplight when I got to town. The hospital
emergency room is on the corner of a busy road, but since it’s after midnight,
there is nothing stopping me from getting where I need to be. I find the
closest parking spot available and run through the automatic doors.

I feel lost standing at the entrance, not
knowing where my sister is. I know she’s here somewhere, most likely with my
mom. I walk up to the nurse’s station where several women are congregating; my
disheveled appearance is not surprising to them.

“Can you tell me where I can find Nora
Kane?”

The heavyset woman furrows her brow. “Are
you family?”

Before I can answer someone taps my
shoulder and I nearly collapse into his arms. Ryan is beside me, holding me up
while I cry. “This is her daughter. I know where she is,” he says to the woman,
leading me away from the emergency room waiting area.

He walks me back through a set of double
doors to the side of the waiting room that automatically close behind us. This
is most likely the second longest walk of my life, the other taking place
today.
Or was it yesterday?
Before we get to her room, he stops me and
waits for me to look at him. When I finally do I see the worry and fear in his
eyes, which only makes me feel worse.

“Em, you need to know a few things,” he
starts, so I wait for his words.
“
She
’
s on a ventilator and her arm is in a cast. She also
has a broken eye socket-”

My vision starts to go dark and Ryan’s
voice sounds like it’s coming to me through a tunnel. All at once, I feel
lightheaded and my body starts to go limp. Ryan holds me up until he sits me in
a chair and kneels in front of me.

“Are you okay?” The concern is etched on
his face while he checks me out, “Should I call a nurse over?”

He starts looking around to see who he
call over, but I stop him, “Please, Ryan. I’m fine, I think it’s just shock; I
need to see her.”

He helps me to my feet, wrapping his arm
around my waist while he guides me into the room. “Lang’s with your mom now.”

The room is quiet and Reid is standing
behind my sister who's sitting in a chair by my mom’s side. He taps her
shoulder and she looks at me, tears filling her eyes.

She pushes the chair back and runs into
my arms and we both start crying again. “I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault. I knew
he was hurting her, and I didn’t do anything,” she sobs into my hair while we
hold each other.

“There’s nothing you could’ve done, she
knew what a monster he was, and she chose to keep him around. She didn’t
deserve this, but it wasn’t your fault.”

We stand there in each other’s arms,
crying at the circumstances that brought us here tonight. I know only the few
details that Ryan gave me over the phone and in the hallway; everything else
has been left to my imagination. I hear the machine breathing for her and she
looks so small and frail in the bed. Langley holds my hand and walks me to the
chair she just left, prodding me to sit.

The last real talk that I had with my mom
was when I asked her what I should do about Ryan. My conversations since have
been drunken five-minute calls that I realize now were a cry for help. When I
asked how she was, her voice would get sad and then she’d start talking about
nonsensical things, so I would end the call in a hurry.
I’m the worst
daughter ever.

I look at the monitors, not knowing what
any of them are for, but all look serious. I reach for her hand and it’s cold,
so I wrap my other over the top of hers. “Lang, what happened? Ryan said Scott
did this. Is that true?”

“That’s what I think, but the police
can’t find him to question him.”

“Who found her? Where did this happen?”

“A neighbor saw him run out of the house in
the morning and watched as he peeled out of the driveway. He said something
just seemed wrong, so he went to check on her. When he knocked on the door, he
could see her lying on the floor so he broke a porch window to get in. He tried
to find her phone to call me, but he was worried because she was barely
breathing, so he called 9-1-1. I was at work when he called, I don’t think I
even locked up the office when I left. By the time I got to the house, they
were getting ready to load her into the ambulance.”

She starts crying again and my heart aches
for her. Seeing mom like this is awful, but Lang saw her when it happened. My
sister is the strong one, and watching her tear herself apart and blame herself
kills me.

“There was so much blood, Em,” she sobs,
reaching out to cover mom’s hands and mine.

“They don’t know where he is?”

She doesn’t answer, because she doesn't
have to. “Where’d Ryan go?” she asks and I realize he didn’t come into the room
with me.

I stand up to go find him, but Reid
places a hand on my shoulder. “I got it; stay here with your mom.” He kisses my
sister on the forehead before exiting the room and I’m so glad that he was here
with her.

Ryan’s here. For me?

I was so upset when I walked into the
hospital and grateful for his presence, but it just didn’t register.

“What’s Ryan doing here?”

“When I couldn’t get a hold of you I
called him. He happened to be in Salt Lake on business, so he said that he’d
keep calling while he drove over. I was so relieved when he got here and told
me he finally talked to you.” She looks down at me from where she’s perched.
“Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

I bite the side of my mouth, preparing to
tell her, “I knew you called, but you never left a message, so I figured it
wasn’t urgent and that I’d call later- since I was on a date.” The words come
out as the door shuts and I turn to see Ryan and it’s obvious that he heard
everything I said. I close my eyes, not wanting to look at him, but needing him
here at the same time. He doesn’t know that I’m pregnant, and that his world is
about to change.

He gives me a tight smile, and I know hearing
those words hurt him, but he walks over to be near me, offering his support.
This small gesture means so much to me and I want so badly to fall into his
arms again and let him console me. Before the break up, I wouldn’t have thought
twice about doing just that, but that’s not us. He’s not my person anymore. I
have to take care of myself now.

A petite nurse comes into the room to
check mom’s vitals, but barely says anything to us. Langley still hasn’t told
me the extent of the injuries, but looking at my mom, I can only assume it’s
worse than I was expecting. “The doctor should be in shortly,” she tells us as
she starts to leave the room, but he comes in before she fully exits.  He
walks over to mom’s bedside and starts to examine her, but doesn't give
anything away with his demeanor. He writes a few things down and then finally
turns to look at us.

“Your mom has suffered severe injuries.
She has multiple stab wounds and a collapsed lung, which is why she’s on the
ventilator.”

“Where do we go from here?” I manage to
ask him. I voice the only words that I can without asking the one I’m too
scared to ask-
Is she going to die?

“I know you’re worried and this is a lot
to take in, but your mom is lucky. I expect her to pull through, but we’re
going to have to monitor her closely for the next twenty-four hours. We have
her sedated to make her a little more comfortable. If you want to talk to her,
she can hear you, but she won’t be able to respond. She’s going to need
extensive therapy when this is done, both physically and emotionally. This was
a brutal attack, if someone hadn’t found her when they did, I don’t think I’d
be as optimistic.”

I can’t listen to anymore.

I stand up and rush out of the room,
feeling the bile rise in my stomach. The hospital doors don’t open fast enough,
and I throw my body weight into them, pushing them along. When I finally get
outside the cold air hits my face, sobering me for a moment.
This must be
what shock feels like.
My body starts shaking, from the cold, from what
I’ve just heard. I have no idea. All I know is that I start retching and I
hurry to the bushes and start throwing up, crying through it all.

Ryan is right behind me, his hand rubbing
soothing circles on my back while I continue to dry heave. “Are you okay?” he
asks with concern laced in his tone.

I honestly don’t know if it’s morning
sickness or shock that has me puking right now. “Yeah,” I exhale, wiping my
mouth. “I’ll be fine.”

When I’m finally able to stand upright,
Ryan grabs me and pulls me into his arms, holding me close, while I let go and
sob uncontrollably. His arms are my home, the place I feel the safest, and I
need that assurance so much right now. He rubs my back and whispers calming
words until my breathing settles and my body relaxes. My eyes burn from the
crying and I’m starting to get a headache.