Missing (48 page)

Used to Kelsey’s bluntness, as well as her hostility, Jacqueline only said, ‘It’s why I called the police to let them know I was all right.’

Kelsey’s expression became more pinched. ‘So why didn’t you call us?’ she wanted to know.

‘Because I needed some time alone – apart from you and Dad.’

‘Yeah, well, you didn’t have to go off without saying anything, did you? And you could have answered my messages. Not that I care,’ she quickly added. ‘It makes no difference to me.’

‘I didn’t get your messages,’ Jacqueline told her. ‘I threw my old mobile away the day I left. I knew you’d try calling me and … I’m sorry, I should have been more considerate.’

Kelsey’s eyes widened. Something was really different here, and it was making her nervous. ‘Well, that would be a first,’ she snapped. ‘And, by the way, if you think Dad’s going to take you back, then you’ve got some serious making up to do, because you know
she’s
around again, don’t you?’

Understanding the challenge, while surprised by the intimation that Kelsey might want her back, Jacqueline said, ‘You mean Vivienne? Yes, I know Dad’s seeing her again.’

Kelsey stared at her with shocked, then big, angry eyes. ‘You
never
use her name,’ she cried accusingly. ‘Or not like that, anyway.’

‘No,’ Jacqueline agreed, ‘but things have changed.’

Kelsey drew back. ‘How?’ she demanded, suspiciously.

Jacqueline took a breath, and envisaging the candles on the altar at St Anne’s with the eyes of icons gazing down at her, she said, ‘Well, that would be a little hard to explain in a simple sense … It’s more esoteric …’

‘Oh puhleeze …’

‘All right. Let’s just say that I don’t feel the same way about Vivienne as I used to, and there’s no reason for you to either.’

Kelsey was beginning to flounder badly in this unfamiliar world. This woman wasn’t her mother – she might look the same, and it was definitely her voice, but the things she was saying were weird and nothing like the way she used to be. ‘You’ve never even been able to think about her without going ballistic!’ Her voice shook with anguish. ‘I’ve even heard you threaten to kill her if she goes anywhere near Dad.’

Jacqueline nodded and glanced down at her hands. ‘That’s because I was afraid,’ she explained steadily. ‘We all say and do things we don’t mean when we feel threatened or out of control.’

More unnerved than ever, Kelsey got to her feet and went to stand in front of the hearth. ‘You’re starting to freak me out,’ she told her angrily. ‘Normally we’re rowing by now, or not speaking or … This is so not you.’

Saddened by Kelsey’s need for the fierce and rancorous showdowns she was used to, Jacqueline held onto her resolve to remain calm as she said, ‘I’m just trying to get rid of all the negative feelings I’ve planted in you.’

Kelsey’s mouth opened, then her hands shot up. ‘OK. That is it!’ she cried. ‘You don’t say things like that. You don’t care what’s going on with me, so
what is wrong with you
?’

Jacqueline took a breath that was shaky and thin, while focusing on the light that flowed from the image of candles. ‘I know I’ve been a dreadful mother,’ she said evenly, ‘that I haven’t been there for you the way Dad has. I’ve never told you how special, or beautiful you are …’

Kelsey started to turn away, then suddenly spun back, her eyes bright with fury. ‘You’ve got to start acting normal or I’m going to call Dad in to sort you out,’ she warned.

‘It is normal for a mother to praise her daughter.’

‘But you’re not like other mothers. You’re all wrapped up in yourself and Sam … I’ve never mattered to you, so you can’t start behaving as though I do now.’

‘Actually, you’ve always mattered,’ Jacqueline told her, ‘I was just too afraid to show it.’

‘And what, suddenly you’re not and that’s supposed to make it all right?’

‘No, I probably still am, but I want to try to make you understand why I’ve been the way I have.’

Kelsey stared at her with helpless incomprehension.

Lowering her eyes, Jacqueline gazed down at her hands again as they tightened around one another. ‘It’s too late now for me to be the mother you deserve,’ she said quietly. ‘What I’ve done … The terrible confusion and doubts I’ve sown inside you … It can be healed, I hope, but it’s going to take a lot of patience and understanding on the part of those who love you. Your father’s always been there for you, you know that.
He’ll
never let you down the way I have. I believe Vivienne will be a good friend to you too.’

Kelsey’s eyes flashed. ‘I am
so
not interested in that woman.’

‘That’s me talking, not you,’ Jacqueline told her. ‘You don’t hate her, you hardly even know her. You’re simply afraid of the changes she’s going to make in your life, but you don’t need to be.’

Kelsey gaped at her, too bewildered to respond.

‘I’m trying to free you from my prejudices,’ Jacqueline explained, ‘because they were wrong. I’ve—’

‘No. I’m not listening to any more,’ Kelsey cut in, clapping her hands over her ears, ‘it’s all too weird.’

Jacqueline waited for her to put her hands down again.

‘See!’ Kelsey cried in frustration. ‘Normally you’d shout at me for saying something like that, or send me to my room, or tell me I can’t come home next weekend, so stop acting weird. It’s doing my head in.’

Jacqueline swallowed and touched a finger to a small twitch at the corner of her eye. ‘What matters,’ she said, ‘is that you understand how much you are loved and wanted. I know you don’t doubt that where Dad’s concerned …’

Abruptly switching attack, Kelsey said, ‘He’s got a son now, I hope you know that.’

‘Yes, I do. Rufus.’

Kelsey stared at her. Then, in a tone clearly meant to offend, ‘That is such a stupid name.’

Jacqueline said, ‘He’s an adorable little boy, and I think you’re going to become very fond of him.’

Kelsey’s jaw dropped. ‘Are you telling me you’ve met him?’ she said incredulously.

‘I went to Vivienne’s this morning.’

‘Oh my God.’ Kelsey’s hands went up as though she couldn’t take any more. ‘You have to stop now, because it’s so not funny …’

‘No, it’s not funny. It’s real, and it’s hard, I understand that.’

Kelsey regarded her warily.

Jacqueline looked back, waiting for the storm to settle inside her.

‘So, is she still in one piece?’ Kelsey snapped. ‘I mean …’

‘Yes of course she is.’

‘Does Dad know you went?’

‘I imagine he does by now.’

Kelsey swallowed as she tried desperately to make some sense of this. She looked at the window, the door, all around the room, taking a breath now and then, but no words came out.

Wishing she knew how to help her, Jacqueline sat quietly, wondering if Miles was listening outside and feeling certain he was.

‘Why did you go?’ Kelsey suddenly demanded.

‘To Vivienne’s? I needed to talk to her, to find out what she’s like. I wanted to meet Rufus too.’

Though still profoundly confused, Kelsey was starting to feel a tentative fascination now. ‘So what happened?’ she asked, genuinely wanting to know.

‘I think, at least I hope,’ Jacqueline said, ‘I’ve managed to put her mind at rest.’

‘About what?’

‘Me, and the fact that I’m not going to go on trying to come between her and Dad.’

Kelsey stared at her, misery darkening her eyes as she struggled to understand.

‘It’s time for me to let go,’ Jacqueline told her gently.
‘Not
only of Dad, but of a lot of things. During these last few weeks I’ve come to realise how far down the wrong path I’ve gone, how I’ve allowed my … issues … to cause all sorts of problems for our family, when they should only ever have been mine. Now I can see the way forward and I’m going to take it.’

Kelsey was hardly breathing, but a new suspicion was dawning in her eyes. ‘You’re going back to the States,’ she said. Then, before Jacqueline could answer, ‘Well, I suppose I should be grateful you’re telling me this time.’

‘I’m not going to the States,’ Jacqueline said quietly.

Kelsey blinked, seemed to think about it for a moment, then abruptly shutting it down she summoned as much nastiness as she could muster as she said, ‘Actually, I really don’t want to know what you’re going to do. It’s of no interest to me because
you are not my mother
.’

As the words resounded around the room, Miles could only wonder if they had hurt Jacqueline as much as intended. He pictured her face, impassive and lined, her eyes probably watching Kelsey from a place no one could reach. He wanted to go in there and shake her, make her see that in spite of what she was saying she still wasn’t connecting with her daughter. But he knew he had to give her more time, because it was going to take many more hours, days, weeks, even years, to win Kelsey over when the rift between them was so wide. However, at least this was a start.

Hearing his mobile ringing in the kitchen, he moved quickly back down the hall to go and pick it up.

‘Miles, it’s Alice. I’m still at Vivienne’s and the police are downstairs wanting to know where Jacqueline is. What shall I tell them?’

‘Oh hell,’ he groaned, glancing back down the hall. He was thinking fast, and coming to a snap decision, he said, ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea for them to turn up here now, so let me speak to them.’

A few minutes later, after explaining that Jacqueline was trying to communicate with her daughter in a way she never had before, and assuring the police he’d bring her to them in Richmond sometime later in the day, Miles rang off and returned to the sitting-room door. The role of eavesdropper was still sitting ill with him, but he had little choice when he was afraid of what Jacqueline might do or say.

Though it was difficult to make out everything that was being said, he was relieved to hear Kelsey sounding less angry now, while Jacqueline apparently remained as measured, and detached as before. Then he tensed as he heard her say, ‘Dad will marry Vivienne as soon as he’s able …’

Kelsey turned her head sharply away.

‘I know you’re afraid they’ll push you out,’ Jacqueline went on gently, ‘but Dad loves you too much to let that happen. And it’ll be good for you to be part of a family that’s normal and uncomplicated – if families can ever be that.’

‘But
we’re
a family, you me and Dad,’ Kelsey protested.

‘And look what bad shape we’re in. It’s my fault, of course …’

‘Not necessarily. It’s Sam’s. Or the people who took him. And you can get help.’

Seeming surprised by the answer, Jacqueline gazed searchingly into her eyes as though seeing, or understanding something she hadn’t realised before.

Kelsey looked back, waiting for her mother to
respond,
to reveal something of what was happening in her mind, but as the seconds ticked by Jacqueline still said nothing. In the end, Kelsey dared to say, ‘I wish you’d tell me about him. I mean, I know he was just a baby when he went, but it’s like I’ve got this brother that I’ve never known and no one ever really talks about, except he’s there all the time.’

Jacqueline took a breath and held it deeply inside her.

Kelsey’s eyes were showing how afraid she was now, while in the hall Miles struggled with the urge to go and sweep her into his arms in an effort to protect her from the rejection he knew was coming.

‘Not now,’ Jacqueline finally replied. ‘Another time.’

Miles’s eyes closed in despair. If he thought he could force something out of Jacqueline he’d go in there right now and do it, but he knew from bitter experience that it was useless even to try. She’d lost the ability to discuss her feelings not long after she’d lost her son, and it was going to take a lot more than this period alone to bring it back.

‘So where have you been since you left?’ Kelsey suddenly asked, the stiffness in her tone hiding the hurt of being rebuffed. ‘You still haven’t told me.’

Jacqueline swallowed hard and brought her head up. ‘I’m renting a house in Richmond,’ she said, on a shuddering breath.

Seeming surprised to have received an answer, Kelsey regarded her coldly. ‘So are you going to like, stay there, or are you coming home?’ she went on, her expression saying she couldn’t care less either way, when Miles knew very well that she could.

‘It is my home now,’ Jacqueline said.

Kelsey flinched, and tightened her jaw as she turned
to
stare at the window. ‘Can I come to see it?’ she asked shortly.

Outside Miles felt his hands clench. If Jacqueline turned her down he was going in there to shake the damned woman back to her senses, because surely to God she must realise by now how desperate Kelsey was for them to have some kind of relationship – and how willing she was to try, in spite of how little her mother deserved it.

The silence dragged on until finally Jacqueline said, ‘Yes, if you’d like to.’

Miles unravelled with relief.

‘Really?’ Kelsey asked, clearly amazed. ‘When?’

‘Uh – soon.’

‘Why not now?’

‘Well, I’m not sure Dad will want you to, and I think this might already have been enough for you for one day.’

‘I’m not a child.’

‘I know, but this isn’t easy for me either. In fact, I should probably be going—’ She broke off as the door opened and Miles came into the room.

‘Talk to her,’ he said angrily. ‘Tell her why you’ve been the way you have all these years. Explain how you’ve felt. For God’s sake, give her something.’

Kelsey’s eyes went from her father back to her mother.

Jacqueline was staring at Miles, but in her mind’s eye she was seeing the candles. The flames were liquid and white with golden halos and dripping stems. She could feel their warmth, even smell their scent. It was all right, she told herself, it wasn’t difficult. She could do this – and wasn’t it why she’d come?

When finally she turned to Kelsey she looked into
her
eyes and felt the words starting to form, like rain in mist. Kelsey appeared worried and kept glancing at her father, but neither of them said anything, only waiting for Jacqueline to speak. ‘After what happened to Sam,’ she began quietly, ‘I felt I didn’t deserve you, or that if I allowed you to come close I’d lose you the way I lost him. I was terrified of it happening again. I thought perhaps there was something in me that would make it happen.’