Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart (16 page)

“Hi Bo.  I’ve come to get you out of here and take you home.  Are you ready, boy?”

Bo gave one yip and stood up as if to say, “Yes, I’ve been waiting for you, Jame.”

We went straight home with his new dog.  Bo lay contently on Jame’s lap in the back seat.  I dropped them off at home and ran to the pet store for everything we needed.  Of course, Jame already had a list made up.

From that day forward, Bo, who turned out to be a 4-month-old Lab-Golden retriever and who-knows-what-else mix, and Jame were inseparable.  It was as if Bo knew he had been chosen to do something important and miraculous- comfort Jame as he battled his cancer.

The meeting with Dr. Hadler brought more bad news. The melanoma had spread to his spine and shoulders.  His pain could be kept under control by more meds.  Jame hated taking more meds.  

“We think that we will abort this round of chemo, Jame.  It’s not handling the cancer spread.” Dr. Hadler said.

“What’s next then?” Jame pushed for more.

“Unfortunately, there’s not much more we can do, I am so very sorry to say.  The only possibility, maybe, is a clinical trial that’s just beginning. There are no guarantees with clinical trials.  We are experimenting with new combinations of drugs that fight other diseases and apply them to specific cancers.”

“Put me on the list and when do we start, Doc?” 

“I’ll give you the clinical trial protocol information booklet.  You need to read it over so you understand the risks.  We’ll set another appointment for next week and we’ll go into it in more detail.”

“I appreciate that.  Doc, if the trial doesn’t help, what are we talking here?”

Dr. Hadler’s manner gentled and he reached out to hold Jame on the arm.  “We’re talking about 3-6 months, Jame.”

Chapter 36

Jame made plans to fly to South Carolina in early November to see his mother and tell her what was going on.  He was uneasy about it, but he teased, “Well, I don’t want her walking into my funeral and seeing you and Michael and having a heart attack.”

We tried joking.  We tried living in denial for a while. Not much helped.

“Come here, Cath.  I want to talk with about something.” Jame motioned for me to settle on the couch next to him.

“No, I’m not going with you to see your mother.”

“Ha! That’s not it and I wouldn’t push you to do that anyway, sweetheart.  I want you to pick up more assignments from your editor.” He held up his hand to stop my objections.  “You need to get back to work fulltime, Cath. Or at least more than the dribbles you’ve been doing every few weeks.”

“Why? I’m fine with money and I want to spend my time here with you.”

“There’s no reason both of us going stir-crazy this winter.  I’ll get into this clinical trial and who knows how much I’ll be up and around.  You need more to do than sit around and watch me be sick.”

I suspected his steamroller was shifting into high gear.  He had his reasons he wanted me to get out more.  I gave him the benefit of my doubts.

“All right, I can do that.  Let me see what Ed wants from me.  But I’m not taking any assignment that takes me away for weeks at a time.”

“Fair enough.  Bo and I will do just fine.  Go to the city; get back into your journalist groove.  Don’t want people to forget about you.”

I suspected there was more to this, but I decided to wait it out.

While Jame was in South Carolina visiting his mother, Bo and I went for long walks. I surprised myself how much I enjoyed it and Bo actually was good company.  When we would sit at night, I started to pour my heart out to that silly dog that listened as if he understood every word I said. When my tears fell, he would lick my hand.

I told Bo the story of Jame and me, as many details as I could remember, even the tiniest things.  I confided my fears of him dying and us not getting our “happily ever after.” Bo abandoned his dog bed on Jame’s side of our bed and slept on the rug by my side. I wondered what he thought about things?

Jame returned from what he called ”the worst visit ever.” 

“There was no easy way to tell my mother I might not make it.  As soon as she saw me, she burst out crying.  How’s that for a welcome?”

Jame had gotten much thinner and gaunter.  His lovely thick brown hair was gone and his “cool bald look” was in place.  I can’t imagine his mother’s shock when she saw him since he had told her very little about his illness.

“So I laid it all out for her, me and my cancer, me and you, Michael.  At times I was afraid I’d have to start CPR, but she actually came through pretty well.  She says she just wants me to be happy and not die before her.  I told her I could guarantee the first but not the other.”

“Well, moms are like that.  We want what’s best for our kids, but not anything bad happening to them. It’s good that you went and reconnected with her.  No regrets.”

“What I regret is listening to my parents when I was 18. I missed my life with you.”

“Jame, we don’t know what would have happened then. All those things got us here.  Let’s just appreciate the blessings in our lives now, OK?”

I helped him unpack.  He was really wiped out after the trip.  I’m sure it must have been emotional with his mother.  No mother wants to lose a huge chunk of her heart.

Chapter 37

Michael was settled in New York City, rooming with some BC buddies and enjoying his new job at Exis Corp.  He wanted to jump into high gear and show his bosses what he could do so he turned to Jame for business advice.

Jame went into his version of warp speed.  He wrote Michael long email missives, pages and pages, outlining everything he had learned and used successfully over his career.  I don’t think Michael understood how once his father gets hold of something, he pours his heart and soul into it.  Right now, Jame’s goal was to help Michael rise to top management in the next few weeks, I think.

Thanksgiving came. The girls were home. Erin was in her senior year at Rutgers with a strategic internship coming up in the four weeks of Christmas break.  She had landed a plum assignment with FoxieRoxie.com, a fashion and clothing online company that in three years had amassed millions of dollars in sales.  She was a marketing major with a photography minor and was hoping to get her foot in the door and get hired for a job after college.  I loved that the offices were in Jersey City, not far from home.

Kaitlin’s sophomore year at Seton Hall caused her to do an about face on her major.  She gave up her theater obsession (thank goodness) and switched into a Special Education/Elementary Ed major because, as she put it, “I can act all I want in front of the kids and help them at the same time.”

So my girls seemed set for now and I loved having them stumble, sleepy faced down to breakfast.  

“Yum, Mom.  Thanks for the French toast.” Erin was the most awake.

“Mmmmmmmm,” was all we heard out of Kait as she poured herself a large cup of coffee.

“Late night, sweetie?”

“Yeah, I was trying to watch a movie on TV, and Dad and Michael were yammering on about “skill set” this and “objective-based” that. What’s Dad doing, teaching Business 2.0 to Michael in one day?”

“I think that’s exactly what he’s doing.  I don’t think Michael knew the hurricane force his father is capable of.”

“What about me?”  Michael shuffled into the kitchen, his hair sticking up. I tried to picture how he would have looked at a younger age getting up for breakfast in my kitchen.  I usually didn’t indulge myself like that.

“Dad’s giving you his crash course in moving up the corporate ladder,” Kait said.

He laughed.  “Yeah, he’s really into it.  But you know, he’s telling me some good stuff.  I have this chance to pitch some ideas to get me on a cool new project with a major client, and he’s getting me to come up with all crazy things that I can condense down into a proposal that just might get me on it.  He’s amazing.”

“He is that, alright. And I think he’s in his glory that you want his help. It’s making all the difference to him and I know you’ll be the first one chosen for the new client.”

“Mom, you are such a positive person, always looking on the win-win side of everything.” Michael gave me a hug.

Whoa, when did I become the positive, glass-half-full person? Did I catch it from Jame? How did I make that transition in the middle of his cancer battle?  

Despite everything, I
was
happy and content.  Jame and I lived in the present, the now, today.  We couldn’t change the past and we did not want to look at the future. Only here, only now.  And right now there were three beautiful children polishing off the French toast and planning their day.

Jame didn’t come down until almost noon.  The late night strategizing with Michael had taken its toll. 

“Morning, my love. Is the turkey already cooking?” Jame sniffed at the oven but stepped back when he breathed in the turkey smell. He’s been having trouble with certain food smells lately, where it was dwindling down to only a few things he had an interest in eating.

“Yes, but you don’t have to eat it if you can’t. It’ll be OK.”

“I’ll do the best I can.  Don’t want to ruin our first family Thanksgiving together.  Do you know what I was doing last Thanksgiving?”

“I think you’re going to tell me anyway, sweetheart,” I teased.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was in a hotel room in London and had a filet mignon because they don’t make turkey over there in London for lonely Americans. You’re on your own.”

“Awww, should I cry now or later for poor you in London with filet mignon?”

“I will tell you one thing I did last Thanksgiving that I enjoyed.  I read everything I could find on the Internet about you. I’d been thinking about you and wanted to catch up on your career.  You had just done that video documentary about homeless mothers in different cities.  Impressive.”

“Thank you. I was impressed with my work too if I do say so myself. Hey, you know what Michael said to me this morning?  He said I was a positive person.  I think I caught it from you.  You turned me into someone who sees the good stuff despite the bad.  How about that?”

“I think our son is a brilliant man. I know how you got it from me.”

“Yeah, how so?”

“From infusions.  Every time we make love, I fill you up with love and happiness and shazam! you changed!”

Jame always can make me laugh.  It felt good. But it had been a while since we’d made love.  He had been too ill most of the past few weeks especially.

“I know, I see it in your face. I miss you too. Tonight, we’ll go to bed early and spend all night making passionate love,” he promised.

I hoped that we could.

Our first Thanksgiving as a family was very special indeed.  If the kids noticed Jame pushing his food around on his plate instead of eating it, they didn’t say anything.  Yelling at the football games on the TV, snacking on second helpings of pie later on. It seemed like a normal family gathering.  We all pretended the elephant in the middle of the room did not exist.

“Awesome as usual, my love. The meal was great and the company the best I could ever wish for,“ Jame said, as we got ready for bed.

“Yes, I saw you eat two pieces of pie with whipped cream”

“At least I haven’t lost my sweet tooth.”

That he didn’t and if oatmeal and apple pie with whipped cream was all he could eat, then that’s what I would make him for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

“Hurry up with your shower,“ Jame said as he settled back into his pillow slowly.  His back and shoulders were hurting him a lot these days, and he had avoided taking his pain pills while the kids were here.  He said he didn’t want to be zombied out especially for his time with Michael.

“Did you take your pills?” I asked trying to look stern.

“Yes, m’am, I took my meds.  Now hurry up.”

I zipped through my shower, anticipating sweet love with Jame.  When I climbed into bed, I could tell he was sound asleep.  I didn’t have the heart to wake him up.  He was trying so hard to keep this holiday up and happy.  I snuggled close to him and listened to him breathe for a long time until I fell asleep.

“Cath, wake up, sweetheart.” I felt a nuzzling at my ear.

“What’s the matter?  Is it time to get up?”

“No, it’s still dark out.  Sorry I fell asleep last night on you.” The nuzzling turned into kisses trailing around my neck heading up towards my mouth.  “Cath, turn to me, sweetheart.  I need to love you right now.”