Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart (18 page)

Erin found me in the closet.

“Mom, are you OK?” The concern in her voice was evident.  She probably thought her old mom was losing her grip on reality.

“I’m good, sweetie.  Just hanging out in Jame’s closet.”

“Yeah, I can see that.  Can I come in?”

Erin sat down beside me and took the sleeve to Jame’s sweater and moved it from me to her. “I totally get what you’re doing here, Mom.  Some of him is still here.”

Bless my daughter who was such a grown-up now. We held hands and grieved a little more.

Jame had given a list of the people to call to one of his best friends, so I didn’t have to do much of it.  It was hard enough to speak about him, let alone make dozens of phone calls.  The kids handled the calls to the house, answered the doorbell accepting deliveries and food.  

Michael and Kait were in the throes of a laughing fit.  I found them in the kitchen with 13 fruit arrangements. 

“How are we going to eat all this fruit?  I mean, I like to be healthy, but man!” Michael chuckled.

“You can take them back to your office and give them away.”  Kait wiped her eyes.

 “I can’t! They came from some of the people in my office.”  They both went off in gales of laughter again.

“All right,
children,
I’ll send them over to the hospital or another needy place. People are just trying to be nice.”

Michael snorted one more time, “Yeah, but I think there’s another one pulling in the driveway…”

It was good to see them release some of their pent up sadness.  Laughter helps with grief.  I just wished I could laugh like they did.  My heart ached for Jame so badly.  I wasn’t sure I knew how to survive this.

I went into our office and pulled out his batch of documents for “after” as he called it.  I would take them to his lawyer who would work on probating his will, filing the necessary paperwork for the life insurance policies and all the other details that have to be carried out to finish someone’s life here on earth.  I was thankful I was spared having to do all that and as I got the pile ready for his lawyer, an envelope with “Cath” written in Jame’s handwriting slipped out.

Oh Jame.  You wrote me one last letter to comfort me.  I can’t read it now.  Maybe after the memorial service and after everyone had gone back to their lives, then I would sit alone and hear your words in my heart.

Jame’s memorial service was set for Friday. Erin, Kait, Michael and I arrived early and planned out our parts in the service.  Each wanted to say something and had prepared for it.  Kait was the only one who felt she might not be able to do it. 

“I’ll read yours if you stand by me as I do mine,” Erin offered. Ah, my girls, always there for each other. And for me.  And now for Michael.

He looked a little forlorn in his suit, waiting for his father’s service to begin. Although he only knew Jame for about 5 months, his eyes showed the emptiness he felt. The resemblance was startling and I knew a few people who had never met Michael, or even knew about his existence, would be shocked.  Some surprises today.  Jame would have loved that.

Michael’s face lit up and I saw him hurry over to a sweet looking woman and wrap his arms around her.  I knew instantly that this was Shirley, his “Mom” who raised him.  I went over to meet this remarkable woman.

“Mom, this is Mom.” Michael’s grin put us both at ease.

“Shirley, this is wonderful that you came and I am so very, very glad to meet you.” I gave her a hug.

“Michael said it was fine that I come up for his father’s service. And I wanted to give you and Michael my love and support at this sad time.”

“You are welcome any time, Shirley. I hope you’re here for a couple days so we can talk about this wonderful son of ours.”

“Yes, I look forward to that, Cath. I wanted you to know that I saw you at the hospital when Michael was born.  You looked so sad and heartbroken that I was happy that I could do a little something for you over the years.  I hoped you enjoyed Michael’s photos.”

“They were a godsend and I am eternally grateful, Shirley.”

“Well, dear, you gave me the greatest gift one woman can give another.  Thank you.”

As Michael took his adoptive mother to meet some of his co-workers and friends, a familiar figure entered the room.  I hadn’t called her, Jame’s friend did that, but I knew she was coming and that I had to face her.

I also had to remember she had lost her only son, her only child.

“Hello, Mrs. Patterson.  So sorry to see you under these circumstances. I know Jame loved you so much and wanted to spare you.”

Jame’s mother’s stoic veneer cracked and she broke out in sobs. “Cath, I don’t know what to say to you except that I’m sorry, so, so sorry.”

I put my arms around her and squeezed.  Her heart was breaking.  I felt my long-held grudge slipping away.

I caught Michael’s eye and motioned for him to come over.  My Jame-clone stepped up.

“Mrs. Patterson, this is Michael, your grandson.” I put his hand in hers.

I knew she would be taken aback by the resemblance. Her face went white. Michael saved the day.

“What should I call you, Grandma or Nana? What would you like? It’s never too late to have a grandson, huh?” 

Mrs. Patterson laughed and cried at the same time.  He walked her over to meet Shirley.  I marveled at the interconnectedness of it all.  All because of Jame and his whirlwind presence in my life.  

The wonderful minister, Rev. VanGratten, who had married us such a short time ago, was here to perform Jame’s service.

“We are here today to celebrate the life and spirit of James Patterson. I visited with Jame often during his illness and his primary concern and request of me, in Jame’s words, was to ‘take care of my family.’”

I saw Michael holding Shirley’s hand on one side and Kait’s on the other.  Erin was on my other side and she reached out for Mrs. Patterson’s hand.  Yes, Jame and I had created quite a family in this long/short time of being together. I reached out my hands to my daughters and held on tight.

“In fact,” Rev. VanGratten pulled out a few pages of notes in a familiar handwriting, “Jame told me exactly what he wanted me to say today to each of his family members.  He made my job very easy and well, you all know how hard it is to say no to Jame Patterson.”

Yes, that was my husband, directing his funeral service from the beyond. I smiled through my tears.

“To Mrs. Patterson, Jame wanted you to know how very much he loved you.  You gave him life and a few times you threatened to take it away! I’m sure he was kidding about that… He gives you to his family of Cath, Michael, Erin and Kait, to fill up your life to ease the emptiness of his leaving.”

Jame’s mother’s tears were flowing and Erin’s arm went around her frail shoulders, whispering reassurances into Mrs. Patterson’s silver hair.

“To Erin, Jame said that you were the daughter/friend he delighted in, always enjoyed your conversations, is still upset you wouldn’t help him find his dog, and he knows that you’ll take care of your mom because she’s going to be sad for a while.”

Erin gave a laugh about the dog comment and then slipped into tears. She reached over to kiss me. “I’m here for you always, Mom.” 

“To Kait, the silly energetic one in our family.  Thank you for the late night movie dates, your crazy laugh that always got us going, and your sweetness to this old guy who really needed it in his life.”

Kait buried her face in her hands and sobbed as Michael hugged her.  Ahhh Kait, my emotional, up-and-down girl-woman.  She lit up Jame’s life when he really needed it. I know they sent funny texts and photos trying to top each other with who said or found the funniest ones.

“Michael, for your father, this one was so hard. These are his words,” said Rev. VanGratten. “We only found you a few months ago and I am so sorry to leave you this soon. You are an amazing young man.  I was a selfish young man and that cost me you and your mother for most of my life.  I hope in these last few months, I gave back to you a fraction of what being with you and knowing you has given to me.’”

Michael nodded and then hung his head trying to hide his tears.

The reverend continued, “And Michael, your dad hopes that you keep close to your mom and sisters and welcome your grandmother into your life.  Everyone is uplifted by knowing you.”

Then his eyes shifted to me.  I had to remind myself to breathe.

“Cath, Jame has told you and shown you in so many ways his enduring love for you.  He was most upset about leaving you.  He called you his ‘tough cookie’ and his soul mate. I was a happy witness to your marriage vows and the renewal of your love and connection. Jame told me he left messages for you and you will know all that’s in his heart.”

I thought of the letter tucked away under my pillow.  Jame’s last words for me that I knew I would reread and cherish forever.

Rev. VanGratten spoke more about Jame, his life and his legacy.  There wasn’t a dry eye at his service, I’m sure, because Jame just affected people that way.  You just had to love him.  He wouldn’t let you off the hook with anything less.  And that’s because he loved with all his heart and soul.  If Jame were on your side, he would move heaven and earth to be there for you.

That’s why he came to me when he did.  He told me that the timing was never right when I was married or he was married to connect and find our son.  But the desire to be with me again and search for Michael overtook all his thoughts that last year before he showed up at my door. And I am forever grateful he did.

Chapter 43

Now it was our turn to talk about Jame.

Erin stood up first.  Kait stood beside her. She spoke about how Jame whooshed into our lives and became their Dad. How happy he made all of us and it gave her faith that when life gets hard, just hang in there because blessings come out of that. “Only right now I’m having a hard time seeing the blessings of dad dying.  I hope I will someday.”

Kait couldn’t speak so she handed her words to Erin to read for her. Erin began, “Kait says she and dad had a special bond.  ‘We could be crazy, silly together, and then he would slip into his dad role and warn me about life’s pitfalls and how to deal with them. Dad also showed us how to go after what we wanted; he taught us well, otherwise Michael might not be here because Erin and I went after him and we brought him home to Mom and Dad. We’ll miss him so much and promise we’ll help take care of Bo.’ ”

Michael rose to his feet. I had to blink my eyes to focus on him and not feel like I was seeing Jame again at a younger age. 

“I only knew my father for a few months, but it was like seeing myself in a mirror for that time.  He made me promise to say two things: that being my birth father was one of the most meaningful things in his life even though he came to it late. He said he learned that redemption is possible no matter what bad stuff you do.  And the other thing is that love and forgiveness are the greatest gifts of all and he is so thankful that Mom gave those to him and he hopes that he gave her back at least some of what she so generously gave him.  I thank him for many things: my good looks, kidding, all the business ideas he gave me, my new family that we have now, But most of all, he taught me that no matter what I do in life, I should choose it because it is good for me and for others in my life. I’ll miss you, Dad.”

Oh boy, I don’t think I could follow that. But I had only prepared a few words because I had spoken all the important ones to my husband many times in the last few days of his life.

“Thank you all for being here today to celebrate my husband Jame’s life. I sat down the other night and counted up the actual time that Jame and I spent together:

Seven months in 9th grade- when we were ages 14-15, nine months in 11
^th
grade-ages 16-17, nine months in 12
^th
grade- ages 17-18, and nine months now at 45 years old.

Thirty-four months total, in person, but that doesn’t take into account the hours and days and years I longed for him, hated him, thought about him, lived with the consequences of loving him and loved him with my entire being.  

He was a complicated man, yet simple in his wants and needs.  He knew how to get things done and the first time he said he wanted to find our son, I threw him out of the house. Sorry, Michael, but Jame prevailed and we moved forward on the search. Then my amazing daughters came through for us and brought Michael home to be a part of our family.  For the first time in my life, I felt complete because all my loved ones were here together.