Moment of Weakness (Embracing Moments Book 1) (18 page)

There was no way I was embarrassed or even shy at what had just happened between us, but when he said stuff like that, I couldn’t help but blush.

“I don’t want to push you, Julia. I’m more than happy to please you, but you need to let me know how far you want to go.”

Roman shifted some of his weight to his right arm, but the rest of it pressed against me, a feeling I knew I would forever crave going forward. With our hips perfectly aligned, I kicked my legs up over his waist pulling him even closer.

“Tell me what you want, Julia,” he said in the most seductive voice I’ve ever heard. He pressed his mouth against the hollow part of my throat, his lips brazing my skin with gentle kisses.

Tell him what I want? How could I do that when I didn’t know what there was to want? I knew I wanted him, but was I ready for that? Was I ready to give him that part of me?

“I can’t,” I muttered, trying to even my still chaotic breathing.

He tilted his head, his brow furrowing. “You can’t? Why can’t you?”

I sighed. “I can’t, because I don’t know what I want.”

Roman pulled away from me, his weight no longer pressed against me, but now placed on the back of his heels as he sat straight up. The look on his face made it obvious he took that statement the wrong way.

“Roman, I don’t know what I want because . . .” God, why did I suddenly feel embarrassed? He sat there, eying me, waiting for me to finish. I swallowed nervously. “I’ve never had sex before.”

He ran a hand over the stubble covering his jaw. “You’re a virgin?” he asked, his tone full of surprise.

Shocker. Something he doesn’t actually know about me.

I nodded. “I guess that’s what happens when you date guys who are more interested in themselves than being in an actual relationship.”

I laughed a nervous laugh and then silence filled the air. Roman’s eyes remained glued to mine, and I could see something swirling behind them. It was times like these I wished I could read minds. Damn. Now this
was
awkward. All I wanted to do was find the nearest hole and bury myself in it. My eyes floated around, trying to find the clothing that fell a short time ago. Roman scooped up my clothes, which were laying right beside him and held them out for me to grab.

Great.
Now
he
even wanted me to get dressed.

Turning around in place, I did just that. To say I was humiliated was a complete understatement. I needed to get out of here. Shifting in the grass, I moved to stand up. Roman’s arm snaked across my waist, and he pulled me into his lap. His mouth dropped to my collarbone.

“Why do I get this feeling you’re trying to run from me?” His lips placed tender kisses around the base of my neck.

Um, because that is exactly what I was trying to do.

“There is nothing wrong with it, you know,” he said as he ran his fingers down my arm until they reached my hand.

“I know,” I said, my voice just above a whisper. Roman’s fingers danced along my hand, tracing every crease. My fingers spread open, partly because he was tickling me, and partly because I wanted him to lace his through mine. A small smile grew on my face when he did. Holding hands—fingers interlocked—was sweet, innocent, and it made something in my chest flutter.

Sitting there, my body relaxed against his.

“Not that I don’t enjoy you sitting on my lap, but I need you to stand up for a few seconds.”

I stood up, thinking maybe I was hurting him. Roman rose to his knees, adjusting the front of his pants, and then I realized why he needed me to get up. I wasn’t hurting him, but I couldn’t imagine having a hard-on in dress pants with someone sitting on your lap was comfortable. My gaze lingered on the bulge in the front of his pants, and I instantly felt guilty. This was my fault after all. He must have read my expression because before I could talk he spoke.

“I’m fine. I just needed to adjust a little.”

“Do you want me—”

“No.” He smirked. “I’ll just take a cold shower when I get back. It’s not like it’s the first one I’d had to take since being around you, Julia.” My mouth hung open, caught on his words. His bare chest rumbled as he let out a deep throaty chuckle. “Come here,” he said, wrapping his arm around my waist, pulling me back down into his lap.

Sitting there, cradled in his lap, made it easy to lose myself in my thoughts. When I was around him, I didn’t want to think or do, I just wanted to feel. And I hated that I did. I hated how easy it was to do so—to feel. Keeping people at arm’s length was something I did the majority of my life. It was a way of protecting myself. For as much happiness and pleasure love can give, it can give an even larger amount of sadness and pain. Besides, even if I pushed all of my reasons aside, it still wouldn’t be enough. I wouldn’t be able to fully give my heart away because I no longer had my full heart to give. It wouldn’t be fair. So maybe in a way, it was my own twisted conscience keeping me from getting hurt, but preventing me from causing it as well.

“SO WHAT IS
this place?” Roman asked after a long period of nothing but listening to the sounds of the cicadas and watching the tall grass swaying back and forth.

I placed my finger to my chin in a tapping motion. “Um, well it’s a field where grass and wild—”

He playfully nudged my shoulder with his. “That’s not what I meant, smart ass.”

I laughed and sucked in a breath before my face fell flat. My lips pulled into a thin tight line—seriousness taking over. “My mother brought me here the morning she died.”

Roman looked around as though it was the first time he was seeing the view. “It’s quiet and relaxing. Very picturesque.”

I sighed. “Yeah. I forgot how beautiful it was.” I scooted from Roman’s lap and pulled my knees up toward my chin. He didn’t stop me. He just moved in closer and stretched out behind me, lying on his side, his arm bent to support most of his weight. I turned my head so I could look at him. Our mouths shared the same breathing space.

“I can see why you’d like it down here.”

I grunted at his comment and pulled at the grass in front of me. “Funny thing is, until today, I hated this place.” A smug grin swept across his face, and I knew
exactly
what he was thinking. What a conceited bastard. I punched his shoulder.

“Ouch!” he said, rubbing his shoulder as though I hurt him. “If you want to get physical, all you need to do is ask.”

I shook my head, making no effort to hide my eye rolling. He laughed and dipped his chin to place a kiss on my shoulder. “Was it because of her?”

I nodded. “She brought me down here because I was nervous about ballet. I had practiced for months, and I was supposed to find out whether I landed the lead role.”

Roman’s hand fell to a part of my thigh and his fingers moved in a small circular motion. For someone I knew only a short time, it amazed me how he seemed to be able to read me like a book. I plucked a dandelion from the patch beside us and brought it up to my face. They were all the same with brownish-green stems and white center bulbs with hundreds of soft, fluffy seeds sprouting from the center. I rolled it between my fingers.

“She brought me here and told me this awful story about wishing on dandelions and fairies.” I choked out a laugh at the memory. Roman sat quietly, listening, probably waiting to see if I would break down again, but I was determined to keep it together. “We sat here, in this very spot.
‘Go ahead, Julia, make a wish,’
she said. And I couldn’t . . . I kept it and told her I would save it for a wish worth making.” The corner of my eyes stung, most likely from the tears that were building.

“Did you ever make a wish?” he asked, his tone full of curiosity. I closed my eyes. The night replayed in my head as though it had happened just hours ago.

“That same night. After the cops and ambulance left. After I realized she was actually gone, I came back down here with that stupid dandelion in my hand.”

His right hand ran down my arm and glided around my waist. He pulled me against his chest, and his face fell to the sensitive spot between my shoulder and neck, his lips just grazing my skin. His warm breath danced across my collarbone. “What did you wish for?”

I stared down at his arm, which was embracing my waist. Tracing my fingers along the hard defined muscles in his arm, I moved down to where his fingers splayed across my stomach. His hand turned to meet mine, and our fingers intertwined.

“I wished for her to come back,” I whispered. Biting my lip, I shook my head at how ridiculous and naive that wish truly was. “I haven’t believed in wishing since that day.”

“Why?”

I shrugged my shoulder. “What’s the point in wishing if they don’t come true?”

Roman placed a feather-light kiss on my shoulder. “Julia, wishing gives us hope, and in a life full of ups and downs, hope is what keeps us alive. It’s that little voice inside of us, telling us there is a light at the end of the cold dark tunnel. The moment you stop wishing, is the moment you stop living.”

I wanted to ask him what the point of living was if you’d only ever be half-alive, but instead, I gritted me teeth and shook my head. “I miss her,” I said, fighting to hold back the sob trying to leave my throat. “I want her here, but she’s not here. She’s
there.
And
there
doesn’t know how damn lucky it is.”

No longer fighting it, I let the tears slide down my cheeks. So much for holding it together. Roman sat up and pulled me into his lap. He held me against his warm chest, his rhythmic heartbeat offering comfort, his arms providing me with the strength to continue talking.

“Until a few hours ago, I believed my mother had killed herself. My father has always lived in denial, but how could I when all the evidence was right there. Suicide by asphyxiation. She hung herself. At least that’s what the police report said. There was no note, no explanation why she did it. I spent the past thirteen years of my life wondering why. How could someone who was so full of life, someone who had so much to live for, feel like there was no other option? I experienced so many emotions a seven-year-old shouldn’t have to experience. Sadness. Denial. Confusion. Anger. At one point, I was so mad at her. Mad that she didn’t stop to think how it would affect us. Mad that she left us here to pick up all the pieces without her.

It’s why I majored in psychology. I thought if I could figure out what she was feeling—what may have been going through her mind—then maybe it would help me understand why she did it. And if I could figure that out, then perhaps I could help spot it in people . . . help prevent it. Prevent someone else from the pain I had felt so long ago, the same pain I still feel thirteen years later. But after today, and what I’ve learned, I’m left to question all of it. I no longer know what to think or believe, and you want to know the worst part? I’ll never have the answers. I’ll never know why.”

Roman’s hands gently grabbed my face, his thumbs sweeping away the tears that continued to roll down them. “You want to know what I think?”

Looking at him through blurred eyes, I sniffed back tears. “What?”

“I think regardless of how it happened, she loved you. Although she may not be physically here, and I’ve never had the honor of knowing her, I know her presence is still very much alive. A part of her, no matter how long it’s been . . . a part of her lives on within you. That is something that will never change.” Pushing back a few strands of hair from my face, I closed my eyes, trying hard to believe what he was saying was true.

“I’m forgetting her, Roman.”

The corner of his lips dipped. “I’m not sure I understand—”

My body shuddered and my heart moved up to the base of my throat before plummeting back in place. “The smell of her hair, the look of her smile, the feel of her embrace. I’m forgetting what all of those things were like. Every year I remember less, and the only thing I’m left feeling is guilty. Guilty . . . that the only memories I have of her are slowly slipping away too.”

Roman’s lips fell to my forehead, and I welcomed the feel of them. “Julia, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Memories fade, that’s a fact, but as long as you keep her in here . . .” His finger traced down my cheek and fell to my chest, stopping to rest his hand over my beating heart. “Your heart will never forget.”

The beautiful words that left his mouth drew me in. Leaning forward, I brushed my lips against his, savoring the feel of them. If memories faded, then these too, the feel of his lips, the look in his eyes, were things I wanted to stow away in a deep corner of my heart.

Roman’s hands rested on my waist, and as we kissed, he pulled me in closer. My lips moved with purpose, trying to show him the things I couldn’t find the words to say. A few minutes later, Roman broke the kiss. Keeping me wrapped up in his embrace, he rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “You, Julia, have the power to change people.”

My lips quirked up into a smile. “What makes you say that?”

His eyes opened and there was something different about them. As I stared into his soft green eyes, I could see it. The vulnerability that he hid so well under his rough exterior. A small sigh left his lips. “Because you’re changing me.”