Mom's the Word (18 page)

Dyanne's father laughed. “Yes, well, don't be too expectant. I've been praying and praying and the Lord hasn't given me a thing to teach yet. I may be learning the sermon right along with you. It won't be the first time. Goodbye now.”

Silence descended on the porch again until Karol finally got up the courage to break it. “Faith? Dad? Is there something I should know? It's obvious that you all know each other. But it seems like there's more to it—”

“There is,” her father said. He looked over at Faith and swallowed hard. “Faye—Fallon—was my first wife.”

Karol sat on the edge of her porch, reading the words that had come to her so many years before. She'd thought then that she was making them up or that they'd made themselves and grown inside her, finally bursting inside her mind. Now, she wasn't so sure. Perhaps a piece of Indigo was her, a child born of secrets.

There were things children could never know about their parents, even grown children; hearing her father admit that he had been married to someone else before her mother, however, was more and less than Karol had ever expected. Seeing her mother dissolve into tears and beg Fallon for forgiveness sent Karol's mind into a whole different plane.

This can't be happening,
she thought.

But it was.

Not only had her father been married to someone else and no one bothered to tell her, but obviously Karol's mother had done something wrong. Something terribly wrong from the look on Faith's face. The sound of her voice.

“I am so sorry, Faye. I was young and greedy. I didn't understand what marriage was, what I was doing. I didn't mean—”

“I know.” Fallon's eyes were cold but somehow caring, too. With the same bearing she'd had for all these weeks of living next door to her ex-husband's daughter and playing with his grandchildren, Fallon comforted the woman who had obviously taken so much from her. The woman who had so often had nothing to give Karol.

Karol looked away for a moment, wondering if she needed to apologize, too.

All that time Judah spent with her. So many afternoons. How painful it must have been….

It was painful even now, Karol knew from the way her father looked at Fallon. And how she refused to look back.

“It was my fault,” he said softly. “I should have been stronger. I should be stronger now. It seems as though both of us—Faith and I—were changed by what we did. For the worse. And somehow you were changed for the better.”

Fallon stood up taller. She smiled. “God did that. The changing. It didn't come for a long time, though. A long time after you left me for that pretty little grad student. The one who could make babies, something I could never do. She was smarter, prettier, had more money. And she even had a plan for your life. Well, nothing worked out for me until I realized that Jesus had a plan for mine. Do you two know that yet? That Jesus has a plan—that He had a plan, even in all our mess?”

Rob started nodding, the same way he did in church. Karol hugged her knees. She'd hated her neighbors for being someone other than her friends Hope and Singh. She'd been angry with her friends for being less than perfect. And yet, here was Fallon-Faye-or-whoever-she-was sharing the gospel with the people who had turned Karol's life into something else with a few words, the people who had raised her and taught her about love.

Faith began to ramble. “I try to read the Bible. I try to pray. It seems like all I see is my sin. What I did to you, what I did to us. All these years later, it just seems like it was yesterday. Like we can't get past it. Eric—he's never forgiven himself. Forgiven me—”

“I have forgiven you. Both of you. Come here.” She waved Eric over next to Faith and took both of their hands. “Father God, I release Faith and Eric from the sins of their past, even as You have forgiven me. I pray that You will bless their marriage from this moment forward and that they will walk before You in spirit and in truth. Bless Karol and Rob and their children for allowing me to come into their lives and see the good that came out of so much pain. Somehow mend the broken pieces of us and create what we all need—family.”

“In Jesus' name, amen,” Rob said first.

“Amen,” Karol managed, only because her husband held her hand.

“Amen,” Faith and Eric said together.

“We were planning to sleep in at the hotel tomorrow and head back to Atlanta, but I guess we should stick around and hear your friend preach in the morning. Though I doubt that anyone could preach a better sermon than you just did.”

Faith agreed but her eyes were on Karol now. “I'm sorry,” she said. “For everything. I should have told you, but when you were young it didn't seem right, and when you were old enough, I guess I was—”

“Ashamed?” It certainly summed up how Karol felt. Who wanted to be the vehicle used to break up someone's marriage? And yet, her father had never been anything but loving to her. Her mother, on the other hand, had sometimes made Karol feel unwanted. Now she knew why.

“Yes. Ashamed. I wanted you to be a good woman. A better woman than I had been. And you are…in spite of me. You're so much like Eric. I guess I never felt like you belonged to me. Maybe I thought God punished me or something.”

“That isn't true—” Rob almost jumped out his chair on that one.

Faith smiled. “I know that. It just feels that way sometimes. I did everything I could to get your father, but it never seemed as though I could keep him. His heart was always—” she looked over to Fallon “—somewhere else.”

Karol watched as tears welled in her father's eyes. He stood and helped Faith to her feet. “My heart is here now. With you. Faye has forgiven us. It's time we started forgiving ourselves. I suppose I thought that since I'd broken one good marriage, God would never let me have another. I don't know what to do, but we'll go to God ask Him to fix it. I know I can't.”

Me, either,
Karol thought, watching as Mia led a throng of girls chasing after Ryan with canned string. She couldn't fix her own life, much less her parents. This was a lot and in the days to come, she was sure there would be questions and confusion and hurt feelings, but right now, she just wanted to go home, even if that was just a few feet away.

She and Rob got up at the same time.

“Well, I guess Judah is smarter than us. He said you were his grandma and in a way I suppose you are. I don't know what I could have said or done if you'd told me before, but please know that I appreciate how you handled all of this. I don't know if I could have done the same. As always when I'm with you, you have taught me something.

“Right now, though. I think I need to get back to my own family before the kids overturn the tables. Our friends—the ones who used live in this house—have things in hand, but we'd better not stretch them too thin. It's always good to see you. All of you,” Karol said before turning to walk away. She'd wanted to hug everyone but decided against it, knowing that she'd probably start bawling.

“It's been a pleasure knowing you, sugar. Your babies and that good man of yours, too. Whether you know it or not, being here has been a healing for my soul. I thought I was done with all this, that there was nothing left of it, but God always knows. Give Ryan another birthday hug and tell him not to spend all that money I gave him in one place. I'm going in to check on Dee Dee. See y'all at church in the morning.”

Already on the stairs, Karol nodded. Her parents were still standing together, embracing. She waved to them and stepped onto the last step when the front door banged open and Neal ran past them, taking two stairs at a time, with Dyanne in his arms. Her nightgown fluttered in what seemed the only wind.

Dyanne's father followed with a grim look. He dragged Fallon toward the car.

Karol tried to ask what was wrong before they pulled away, but only one word echoed back as they drove off.

“Pray.”

• Call Mommy
  
• Buy a tree
  

—Dyanne

D
yanne knew when she woke up that something was wrong. Very wrong. She only had to call Neal's name once and he was there.

“I'm bleeding,” she'd said softly. “I should have called the doctor. They warned me about spotting. It might be nothing.”

Her heart wasn't in the words. She stood in the bathroom, looking in the mirror and saw the same face Dyanne had seen her mother make too many times. She was sorry now that Neal had to see it.

The heat outside had been surprising. Stifling. And then a little breeze had come, as if just for her, as her husband bounded down the stairs and gently laid her in the car. At the hospital, they'd confirmed what Dyanne already knew—she was losing the baby.

Now, a week later, she was still losing the baby. She'd decided against the procedure that would have scraped her womb and sent her home empty. The doctor didn't think it was a very good idea.

“You can pass it naturally, but I don't think you should. There could be infection. I'll have to have you come in each week and check your hormone levels to be sure that everything is gone.”

Neal had fought with her about it, but in the end they were both glad that Dyanne had chosen to go home and let the losing go on. She realized now that what had happened to her mother—to her parents—hadn't just been the miscarriages, but this never-ending losing. On television, it looked so simple, the way women fell off horses and crashed their cars and “lost” their babies. In real life, it wasn't that simple.

All they had left now was the memory of the positive test, the memory of the doctor letting Neal put the stethoscope to Dyanne's stomach to hear the heart too young to be seen on the ultrasound. At the hospital, they'd asked to do a final scan, but Dyanne had declined that, too. She'd been waiting to see the beating heart, the forming limbs…. She couldn't take the finality of the empty sac the machine would reveal. What she'd seen and felt had been enough to tell her all she needed to know—her baby was gone.

Worse yet was the wardrobe of maternity clothes that Dyanne had bought the week before. Though her pregnancy had started quietly, growing beneath her flat stomach without her knowledge, her clothes were getting tight in places and she'd had a nightmare about showing up at one of Fallon's tour stops in Neal's T-shirt and shorts. A trip to Governor's Square Mall's only maternity store had fixed that. She'd even gotten a bathing suit.

Now she was folding it all and packing it up, the way widows did with the ironed, starched shirts of their husbands who had left for work some morning and never come home. Dyanne hadn't been happy about the baby at first, but she'd come to love her. In her mind, it had been a girl, with Mia's hair and Ryan's heart. Anya Christine. The name had come to her in a dream on the day of Ryan's party, minutes before she woke up to her worst nightmare.

Neal and Fallon had let up a little on hovering over her. She'd gone to church this morning to hear the sermon that her father had been supposed to preach the Sunday before. Neal had begged him to go and even tried to drive him to the church, but Dyanne's father wouldn't budge.

“I'm only leaving the room because she's your wife and the two of you deserve some privacy. There's no way I'm leaving this hospital. No way.”

And he hadn't left. He and Fallon had been there, both at the hospital and now. They'd continued working on the book while she was at the hospital and had even faxed pages to Steve Chaise which had earned a hearty approval. Ryan had come each day with muffins, books, cards and finally this morning, another copy of the book his mother had given him for his birthday appeared.

Dyanne set aside the maternity jumper she'd been folding and picked up the book again.
Indigo Dawn.
She liked the title and knew Ryan had, too, though the boy liked his titles long and wordy.

The doorbell rang downstairs, disturbing her thoughts. The bell rang often now, bringing scores of strangers from the church and houses down the next road. It amazed Dyanne that people she barely knew could care so much about what happened to her family. Well, to her and Neal. It didn't seem like they really qualified to be called a family. Not anymore.

Still, she usually listened to see who it was and upon not recognizing the voice, shut the door to her room just loud enough for Neal to hear. He had a whole speech worked out now, smiles, apologies and all. This time, however, it was a familiar voice. Karol's voice. Dyanne stood and walked to the door, but she didn't close it.

Company was the last thing Dyanne wanted, but for some reason, she felt Karol had earned the right to come and sit between the stacks of unused maternity clothes. Though they'd started off on the wrong foot, she and Karol had a lot more in common now than they had at first: Ryan, for one thing. Motherhood, for another, however short-lived Dyanne's membership to the mommy club had been. Karol had brought her papaya for morning sickness and special wrist bands for vertigo. She'd answered all of the midnight questions that didn't warrant bothering the doctor. She'd been just happy enough when hearing the news to make Dyanne feel happy, too, instead of guilty. And now, she looked just sad enough to make Dyanne start crying. Again.

And Karol didn't try to stop her from crying. Instead, she walked inside with arms flung wide and tears streaming down her own face. There weren't any words spoken in that moment, yet Dyanne said everything she hadn't been able to say to her husband, her father, to Fallon.

The words came out in sobs instead of syllables, but Karol seemed to understand each one.

“I know.”

Dyanne paused waiting for her to say “God knows” like Fallon had been saying every other minute since they'd come home from the hospital, but Karol didn't say it. Though Dyanne knew there was truth in the phrase, she was glad not to hear it again. Not today. Not now.

Karol held Dyanne tight and then let her go. She smoothed back Dyanne's tousled hair and kissed her forehead. She looked into Dyanne's eyes and said what no one else had dared to.

“It's not your fault. Really. It isn't. There's nothing you could have done to change it.”

Dyanne buried her face in her hands. How had she known? Did it show that easily? She wiped her eyes and took a step back, supporting herself on the bed.

“What if it was my fault? I was ungrateful. I didn't want her. I wasn't happy. Maybe she knew that somehow, you know? Babies know things. At least I think they do. I tried to, you know, talk to her about it. To tell her I was sorry, but maybe she was already gone. I just wish—”

“Don't.” Karol was on her again, in a crushing, yet gentle hug. “Honey, don't do this to yourself. Please. Believe me, motherhood has guilt enough on its own, don't go looking for more. You're a mother. It's just in you. Me? I have three kids and I'm still figuring it out. Ryan has learned so much from you. From Neal, too. I know this is hard, but don't let yourself slip into the pit. It's too hard to get out of. Ask me how I know.”

Karol did know. Dyanne could see it in her eyes. She'd said things that needed to be said, too. Without meaning to, Dyanne had been blaming herself, questioning if she could ever be a mother. She'd even considered getting her tubes tied and forgetting the whole thing. She had an appointment. The only thing stopping her was the desperate look on Neal's face whenever he thought she wasn't looking. He wanted a child. Their child. Dyanne just didn't know whether her body or her heart could go through what it would take to give birth to one.

“I don't think I can do this, Karol. Keep losing and losing. I don't know how my mother did it. I thought that she was weak, but she wasn't. I am. I think I'm done. Just done with it all—”

“Don't try to figure it all out. Just deal with now. Today,” Karol said, placing the stacked clothes into the plastic bin at the foot of the bed. With finality, she closed the lid.

“It's so hard not to,” Dyanne said, dropping back onto the bed.

“I know, but you can't try and figure it all out. You'll drive yourself crazy. And you can't afford to be crazy. You have a handsome husband, a great job, a new house and lots of people who love you.”

Her job. Dyanne hadn't given much thought to it in the past week except maybe to resent it. She'd put her work first so many times in her life, over Neal, and finally over her baby. During that first day in the hospital, she'd even considered quitting, only she had no idea what else she could do. She obviously wasn't very good at having babies. Instead, she'd just ignored it altogether, despite the deadlines looming just days away, like Fallon's book tour. Not even Neal had dared to mention it.

Karol had no such problems bringing it up. “Now that those clothes are put away, we can get you packed for the tour. Ryan has told me about your legendary lists. I'm sure you have one for packing. Hand it over and I'll get started. Do you want to do clothes or toiletries?”

Neither. “I'm not going, Karol. I have an appointment tomorrow and lots of grieving and groveling to do. Lots of ice cream to eat. I'm not coming out until winter.”

Karol scanned the room and picked up a large binder labeled Master Planner. She flipped to the tab for travel. “Yes, you are going, Dee. You've spent months planning this and if Fallon didn't need you, they wouldn't be paying you. You are the director of your department. You're past the worst of it now and if you need the appointment you can go when you get back. You can do this. You have done this. You will do this.” She started pulling out drawers in Dyanne's dresser.

Dyanne stared at her neighbor in shock. A scream rose to her mouth and thundered through her lips. She stomped her feet like a frustrated child. “Get out. Right now. You don't know me well enough to talk to me like this. I said I'm not going. You don't understand. Nobody does. I'm going to stay here, in this room and—”

“And what? Die, too? You can't. I won't let you. Look, I know you don't know me well, but you know that I just had a meltdown and have spent pretty much the past three weeks trying to be something other than what I am—a mother. You know that I've lost babies and had postpartum depression and all the other fun stuff that comes with the pink package. You are trying to be something other than what you are—a powerful, smart, businesswoman who has had a very bad thing happen to her.

“You watched my kids without even knowing me. Go on this trip with Fallon and I'll do the same for you. I'll water your plants, feed your husband, check your mail and clean your house. Whatever. And when you get back, I'll do it a little longer while you climb in this bed in those pajamas and cry your eyes out. Because you're going to do that. A lot. But it doesn't have to be all you do. Okay?”

Dyanne was breathless, though it had been Karol doing the talking. All her excuses, all her pain had been ripped open, but cleansed, too. It hurt, but it felt good. She rolled over to her belly for the first time since she'd been home. It still wasn't flat, but it wasn't quite as round, either. That's what hurt more than anything, this limbo feeling of being somewhere between pregnant and not pregnant. Between a rock and a hard place.

“Okay. I'll go.”

Karol dropped down on the bed beside Dyanne. “Good. That speech was the big guns. If you hadn't gone for that, I had nothing left.”

The two women laughed so hard that Neal ran into the room to see if everything was okay. When he saw his wife laughing, he froze, looking both pleased and afraid.

Dyanne turned to her husband and smiled. For the first time in what seemed forever, everything was okay.

“We're fine, babe,” she said. “Just fine. Come on in.”

 

Her father knocked lightly at the door, but Dyanne wasn't sleeping. Nor was she still so upset that no one could talk to her.

“Come in, Daddy.”

The doorknob turned slowly. Her father paused before coming in. “So the reports are true. Dee Dee is up and at 'em. Glad to hear it. You all packed?”

She nodded. “You?”

“I suppose. You know me. I pack pretty light. There's always a washing machine around. Or a Wal-Mart.”

Dyanne frowned but this was no time for them to start a debate about shopping. And her father had a point, she'd stopped there a few times herself on the road. “Right. Well, we'll figure it out. Fallon seems pretty pleased that you're going.”

“Weren't you going to ask Ryan to go, too? For his birthday?”

That had been the plan, but like everything else plans changed. “I was going to ask, but I heard Rob say something about their kids only going out of town with family members and I felt sort of stupid. We haven't lived here that long and we don't have kids of our own. No matter how much they like us, I doubt Karol and Rob would send their son off with me.”

“I wouldn't be so sure. I guess you don't know since you were at the hospital and all, but it turns out that Karol and Fallon are related. Sort of.”

Why couldn't things ever be simple? “Sort of? How can you be sort of related? Either you are or you aren't, right?”

Her father smiled. “What about you and Norman, your stepfather? Are you related?”