Monkey Wrench (16 page)

‘I'm always nice.'

‘Yeah,' she said. ‘But extra nice. 'Cos, like, he's got bad news coming. When I get round to telling him.'

I went indoors and started warming up. The place smelled like hair spray from the women, but I took no notice and soon all I could smell was me working.

I don't know why soppy eejits like Monkey Wrench think hard news will be softer if you have a nice day first. What was she going to do – take him to the zoo? Cook him chicken and chips? Let him watch his favourite programme on telly? And then say, ‘Oops, sorry, Justin, your dog died'?

Life's hard. You got to be in training for it. If you're expecting life to be hard you won't go all to pieces when your dog dies. Having a nice day at the zoo won't make it any better.

I was skipping up a storm when Justin himself walked in. I didn't stop, so he lolled against the doorframe watching.

He said, ‘You've got really neat feet, Eva. It's deceptive. You look so big and heavy, but you're incredibly fast on your feet.'

‘Believe,' I said, stone chuffed. Maybe the lad wasn't such a ninny after all. Or maybe he wanted something.

‘What you want?' I said.

‘Nothing,' he said. ‘Just watching. If you don't mind.'

I didn't say anything, but with training, someone watching helps. With someone watching, you don't skimp. You want to look good, so you do good. When you're on your own all the time you can get a bit blue about the hard work and wonder why you bother. As soon as you start wondering why you bother, you stop bothering.

So I worked and he watched, and after a while Crystal popped in and said, ‘You sure you're well enough to stand around in the cold, Justin?'

Justin said, ‘I'm feeling a lot better, thanks, Crystal.'

She said, ‘You're looking better.'

‘I'll put the kettle on,' he said. ‘It must be freezing out in the market.'

Crystal sort of blinked at him in surprise.

He said, ‘Are you ready for a cup of something hot, Eva?'

And I sort of blinked at him too. What with all the girls fussing round him like they was, it never occurred to me he could do anything for himself. That and his ninny voice made him seem like everyone's baby.

He went out to the kitchen.

Crystal said, ‘Have you told him?'

‘What?'

‘About Queenie.'

‘Fuck off.'

‘Coffee or tea?' Justin called.

‘Tea,' Crystal said. And I started skipping again so Crystal couldn't talk to me.

After a bit, Justin came back with a tray. A freakin' tray! He'd got three mugs, milk, sugar in a bowl, teaspoons and biscuits. The biscuits were all arranged in a pretty pattern.

‘Poop in the soup,' I said. ‘This is better than the caff.'

‘I like things nice,' Crystal said sadly.

‘Have a chocolate biscuit,' Justin said. ‘I know you like chocolate.'

I put my sweat shirt on to stop me cooling down too fast, and we sat on the mats drinking tea and noshing chocolate biscuits. Or rather, Crystal ate the chocolate ones. I ate the plain ones 'cos chocolate makes me spotty, and no one wants to be spotty in a leotard.

How did Justin know Crystal liked chocolate? I didn't know that. I knew Dawn did, but Crystal just ate what she could get. Like me. It was the way he said, ‘I know you like chocolate,' that made me think maybe she'd changed. Then I looked at her sitting cross-legged on the mat gripping her mug with her grubby little paws. Same old monkey face. She never cleaned her fingernails, and they were bitten down to the quick. Crystal would never waste her dosh on nail scissors.

After the tea, I didn't have the time to start work again because Mandy came in with her blaster. She gave me a leery look, and said, ‘It ain't going to be me you pick on all the time today, is it?'

Justin said, ‘She's got to pick on someone. That's the only way.'

And Mandy said, ‘Oh hello Justin. You're looking better.'

‘I
am
better, thanks very much.'

‘You joining in today?' Mandy said. And she did a girly little giggle which almost made my breakfast hit the back of my throat.

Crystal said, ‘Maybe he could do the warm-up, but he doesn't want to tire hisself out.'

‘Is it okay if I just start and see how I feel?' Justin said to me.

‘Suit yerself,' I said, ‘but I ain't running no playgroup.'

‘Don't you go picking on him,' said Mandy.

‘I'll pick on who I like,' I said, ‘till one of you stands up and stops me.'

And then the others raggle-taggled in looking like rejects from the Fun-Runners Ball, and Mandy put on a Michael Jackson tape.

It was a bit like the day before. I watched them flopping around, giggling, and trying to balance on one leg, and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I mean, what
do
women think their bodies are for? You couldn't blame anyone for thinking this bunch had been built just to stuff food in one end and men in the other.

I suppose, years ago, they must have been little kids who could run and jump and hop and skip. So what happened? Why can't they do it any more? Why did they let themselves get into the sort of state where they can't do it any more? It's a mystery to me.

Didn't they ever run and run and run for the sheer buzz of it? Didn't one of them feel, if only she could get her little legs pumping fast enough she'd be able to take off, like a plane on a runway, and fly away from all the crap kids have to go through? Or was that only me?

‘Me bra hurts,' said Kath with the bosoms.

‘I'm sweating. Yeugh!' said Stef.

And I thought, you can't help having bosoms but, if you've got them, what's to stop you buying a bra that fits? And I thought, what's wrong with sweating? You can't help that either. Whoever it was who started the rumour about sweating being wrong for women was a fuckin' genius. He must've made a fortune, and I hope he died in pain and went to hell.

‘We're finished,' Mandy said, all pink and proud. ‘How did we do?'

‘Well,' I said. ‘At least you know what you're trying to do even if you can't do it.' I thought they needed some encouragement.

‘Sod you too,' said Bella.

‘Right,' I said. ‘Lynn.'

‘Not me,' Lynn said. ‘I'm off.' And she made for the door.

‘You,' I said. And I caught her by the arm just above the elbow.

‘Get off!' she said, pulling away. I just stood firm and hung on.

‘Don't you want to learn no self-defence?' I said. ‘You want to learn something. You can't even get out this door without I allow you to.'

‘Gerroff!'

But I jerked her in, and as she fell towards me I let go of her arm, wheeled round the back of her and got an arm round her throat. I wasn't squeezing or nothing, but she made the classic mistake of trying to pull away. Then she grabbed my arm and tried to haul it down. When that didn't work she tried to reach back over her head. And it was only when she found she couldn't reach me that she tried her elbows.

‘Yeah,' I said. ‘Twist a little and then slam back.'

She twisted a bit and then drove with her right elbow. I let her hit me a glancing blow. I could tell she enjoyed it because she started to yell.

‘Yaaagh!' she went. And because she'd remembered to yell, I let go and stood back.

‘I did it!' she said. ‘I did it.'

‘Yeah,' I said. And I rubbed my ribs like I was hurt.

‘It's your own fault,' she said. ‘You shouldn't be so rough.'

‘But
you
can be as rough as you like,' I said. ‘Now, Bella …'

‘What?'

‘Get behind Lynn and put an arm lock round her throat like I did.'

‘Why me?'

‘'Cos I say so. I want to show her something.'

‘Can I stand on a chair?' Bella said. ‘She's taller than me.'

‘Who isn't?' I said. ‘Use your imagination. Grab her by the waist or something.'

So Bella went behind Lynn and put her arms round Lynn's waist.

‘Ooh lovely,' Lynn said. And all the others started laughing.

‘Shut up,' I said, because I had a plan and I didn't want them all gooey and giggling.

‘You got four weapons,' I said. ‘What are they?'

‘Two arms,' Lynn said, in a kiddy sort of voice, like she was at school and I was the teacher. ‘I got two arms, one leg and me voice.'

‘Right. Now, don't pull away. 'Specially if someone's got you by the throat. If you pull, you'll only throttle yourself and make his job easier. Step back into him so you know where he is. Go on, Lynn, step back.'

So Lynn stepped back into Bella's arms.

‘Right,' I said. ‘Now. You know where his feet are, don't you? And you know where his legs are. Right?'

‘Right,' said Lynn.

‘So you can stamp on his foot or hack him in the shins. Right?'

‘Right,' said Lynn.

‘Do it,' I said. ‘Slowly.'

And Lynn trod back on to Bella's foot. As soon as she made contact she got off again.

‘Now,' I said. ‘Kick back like a horse. Gently.'

And Lynn kicked back and found Bella's kneecap.

‘Good,' I said. ‘Let go, Bella.'

Bella let go.

‘Now,' I said. ‘Let's make it more real. Stand with your back to the rest of us, Lynn, and shut your eyes. You're out on your own in that alley. Right?'

‘Right,' said Lynn.

‘Someone's going to come up from behind and attack you. You don't know who. You don't know when. Right?'

‘Right,' said Lynn. And she stood with her back to me and the rest of the bunch.

I pointed at Bella and then held my hand up to make her wait while I counted slowly up to fifteen. I wanted to give Lynn time to get nervous. Then I gave Bella the nod.

Bella tiptoed up behind Lynn. She was so stupid I had to stop myself grinning. Bella crept up to Lynn and grabbed her round the waist.

Lynn gave a little squeak of surprise. Then she stomped back on to Bella's foot. And then she kicked back with her other foot and really whacked Bella's kneecap. I hadn't told her to do both things together, but I was ever so chuffed when she did. It worked a treat.

‘Ow-ow-ow!' screamed Bella. ‘You bitch! You hurt me.' And she let go of Lynn's waist and hopped around screeching. And the best thing was, I hadn't laid a finger on her. Lynn done it. I could hardly stop myself laughing out loud.

‘Sorry, Bella,' Lynn said. ‘Sorry, sorry. I didn't know it was you. I didn't mean to hurt. You startled me.'

‘Bitch!' hissed Bella.

I had to talk fast or she might cotton on. I said, ‘Brilliant, Lynn. Now listen all of you. When you go out at night, what do you wear on your feet?'

‘Proper shoes,' Stef said.

‘With heels?'

‘Yeah.'

‘You could really hurt someone if you did what Lynn just done only you did it with high heels. Think about it.'

They thought about it. I could see them thinking. But I could also see Bella beginning to give me the eye. Her foot and her knee still hurt and she wanted someone to blame.

‘You forgot to yell,' I said to Lynn, real quick.

‘Bella yelled louder than Lynn,' said Kath with the bosoms. Which was true, but I didn't want to remind Bella.

I said. ‘Yelling should come second nature. So pair off, all of you. Bella, you'd better go with Stef – she's more your weight.'

‘I want to go with Justin,' Stef said.

‘
I
want to go with Justin,' Mandy said.

‘I said first,' Stef said.

‘Shut up!' I yelled. ‘Stef, go with Bella. Mandy, go with Lynn.
Kath, go with Justin.' Justin seemed like a gentlemanly lad so he might know what to do about the bosoms.

I waited while they grumbled and got into pairs. They couldn't do
nothing
without making a big salad out of it.

‘Okay,' I said. ‘This is what you do – Stef attacks Bella, Lynn attacks Mandy, Justin attacks Kath.'

Justin said, ‘I'd find it really difficult to attack a lady.'

‘You won't mind attacking Kath then,' Mandy said.

Kath said, ‘Do you mind?' And everyone started laughing again.

‘Shut up!' I said. ‘All right, Kath, you attack Justin. It doesn't matter, see, 'cos all I want is for the attackers to grab, and the defenders to yell and push. No hitting or kicking, mind. Just yell and push.'

So that's what they did for a while. And then the attackers switched and played defender. I got pretty fed up with them, but at least they were learning to make a lot of noise and fuss. Which was peculiar, really, 'cos they made a lot of noise and fuss about silly little things, but when it came to being jumped on they did sweet FA and got their teeth kicked out.

The next thing I wanted to do was to get them to help each other if one of them got attacked, but Crystal came in from the cold and said it was tea time.

She said, ‘You've got your accountant coming, Bella. Remember?'

‘Okay,' Bella said. ‘I'll have a bath.'

‘You got the bathroom working?' I said.

‘Kath's Billy fixed it yesterday,' Crystal said.

‘Great,' I said. ‘Me first.' And I ran upstairs as fast as I could because Bella was the sort of rat who'd take all the hot water.

And it was great. It was a proper bath with scented soap and towels and shampoo and all the stuff. I didn't know where it all came from but it seemed everyone was falling over backwards to make Justin comfortable, and I didn't see why he and Bella should be the only ones to benefit. Specially since it was Bella's mob got me drummed out of my gym and I couldn't take a shower there no more.

When I came downstairs again I found everyone drinking tea and gassing on the mats. The room reeked of smoko. So I left without saying goodbye. I was sick of them anyway, and I had a fight coming. A proper fight, not a cat fight – which is what I'd get if I stuck around. Bella was shooting bullets through her eyeballs.