More Than You Know (29 page)

“I'm sure you don't,” Tess said gently. “So now here you are, when from the start your agreement was ‘no strings'. Now you're trying to move beyond that. To push into new territory. I'm sure she's thrown by that. And . . . let's face it, Golden Boy, you have a bit of a reputation with women. If you want her to trust you, after what she's experienced, you need to show her she's the
only
woman for you.”

“She is,” Dane burst out. He blinked, realizing the force of his feelings as the words came flying out. “She's the only woman I want. I've never met anyone like her, and I don't think I ever will. She's . . . special. Unique. Incredible. Even when she makes me crazy, I still want to be with her.”

“Then tell her that. Make her see that. Shock her with the depth of your love for her like you just did to me,” Tess emphasized. “Then, hopefully, she'll stop testing you and she'll believe you.”

It finally hit Dane like a physical blow, taking his breath away for a few seconds. Jesus, he
was
dumb. “So
that's
what she's doing? Testing me?”

“She may not be doing it consciously, but it sure seems that way to me,” Tess said. “And added bonus—you're her boss. Knowing you like I do, I'd bet you don't ever throw that around, but it doesn't make it any less true.”

He groaned as he realized the veracity of that.

“If she likes you even a little bit, the parallel between you and her ex probably hits too close to home. The power, the money . . . and it must scare her to death.”

He shook his head at that. “Very little scares Julia Shay. She's strong as hell.”

Tess gaped, openmouthed. “How can you be so obtuse?”

“
What?”

“Just because someone is strong doesn't mean they don't get scared,” she said incredulously. “I'd bet this bottle of scotch, if you hadn't already polished off most of it, that you scare the hell out of her. Because you're being nice, and you're obviously genuinely interested—which means you want more than her body and the sex.” She shook her head. “Hey, you were easy to dismiss when you were just her bed buddy. But now, you seem to
like
her. To
care.
” Tess saw Dane's mouth clamp shut as he listened, so she went on. “You actually tried to
be there
for her. You protected her. The night Liam came to see her, and the other night too. You're honorable. She's not used to men being honorable with her, much less caring about her and how she feels. She's convinced herself she doesn't want that, or need that. Which is bull. Everyone wants and needs to feel cared about.” Tess smirked. “I'd bet she has no
idea
what to do with that, just as much as you don't.”

He stared at his sister for another moment, then out to the distance. He heard the sweet song of the crickets, along with the pounding of his own heartbeat in his ears. With a heady rush, something washed over him, through him . . . it felt as if the blood slowed its flow through his body and his brain actually hummed. He knew the scotch was partly to blame, but it was mostly that all the words sank in and took hold. Tess was right, on all of it, as usual. It was an interesting insight: for two strong people, he and Julia were both scared shitless.

So what should they do about it? Were he and Julia at an impasse? Or was this salvageable? More than that, did he
want
to salvage it? “So . . . do I try again?” He looked at his sister. “Tell her what I want, ask her flat out what she wants, give her a chance, and see what she does with it? Because I've gotta admit . . .” His eyes flickered down to his shoes. “I'm really tired of being pushed away. Tonight, I just . . . I lost it. Because I don't want to do this anymore, this push-pull thing.”

“If you love her, yeah, trying again sounds like a good idea.” Tess squeezed his hand and murmured, “But if you don't, let her go. Walk away now, before either of you gets hurt any more than you already are. I hate seeing you like this, I can't lie.”

Dane sighed, turning her words over in his head.

“She hasn't made it easy for you, has she,” Tess surmised.

“Fuck no,” he muttered with a caustic laugh.

“But truthfully? I think a part of you likes that. She keeps you on your toes. She makes you work for it. Women have always fallen at your feet, but not her. It's begrudging respect. Right?”

He couldn't hold back a small grin. “Maybe.”

She squeezed his fingers before pulling her hand back. “Hey, I could be wrong about all of this. Maybe she keeps pushing you away because she just doesn't like you.” A teasing glint shone in her eyes. “You think she doesn't like you?”

Dane recalled the look in Julia's eyes when he'd tended to her, gently and sweetly made love to her . . . the way the silence settled over them as he moved inside her and the air stilled and their eyes locked . . . “No. I know she likes me. Maybe a lot more than she counted on.”

“Just like you,” Tess pointed out. “You need to talk to her. Maybe in a few days. Give yourself time to cool off, and give her time to be with her son. Definitely when you're not reeking of scotch, like you are right now.”

He laughed. “Am I?”

“Either that, or the Sound is made of whisky, and the breeze blowing off it is carrying that scent to my backyard.” She rose to her feet. “Come on. Let's go inside. We've got to sober you up a little before you fall into bed.”

He laughed, then wobbled to his feet. “Whoa. You're not wrong.”

“When it comes to my family, I rarely am,” she said. “Lucky for you guys.”

He leaned down to kiss her forehead and murmur, “Thanks, Tess. Seriously. Thank you.”

“Anytime.” She slipped her arm through his and gave him half a hug. “At least if you were finally going to fall in love, you picked someone smart and sassy. She'll keep you in line if you end up together. I like that.”

He gave a short laugh. “Glad you think so much of me.”

“Shut up,” she teased. “I think the world of you, and you know it.”

“For which I'm eternally grateful.” They took a few steps toward the house, but he stopped, frowning, hesitant. “Tess?”

“Yeah?”

“What if she doesn't . . .” His voice trailed off and he stared into the distance. The symphony of crickets swelled beautifully around them. “I just wanna be with her, for Christ's sake.”

“Tell her that.” Tess rubbed his shoulder. “You, Dane Harrison, are a go-getter. When you really want something, you go after it with everything you've got. I love that about you. Not to mention you're easily the most charming and persuasive man I've ever known.” She gave him a smile. “Just lay it all out there. And if she pushes you away again, you have your answer. Which, by the way, would make her a first-class moron. Who in their right mind would push away a guy like you?”

“Thanks, Tesstastic.” He pulled her toward the house again. “More water. And I'm going to play with Bubbles to amuse myself instead of passing out right away.”

She laughed. “Sure, harass my dog for your drunken pleasure.”

“At least Bubbles is always happy to have me around,” he muttered.

Chapter Twenty

Julia stared at her reflection as she braided her damp hair. When it was done, she stretched her arms over her head and yawned lazily. A glance at the clock told her it was one-thirty already. She'd slept until one. She and Colin had stayed up until after four in the morning, talking, getting to know each other, and clearing the truths from the lies he'd been fed all his life. It had been an extraordinary experience. Sitting and talking with her grown son . . . wow, was he a sweet young man. Polite, articulate, quick-witted, and smart. Someone to be proud of. He had one semester of college left, then would graduate from Stanford University in December with an engineering degree. He'd asked her to be at his graduation, promising that Max could and would do nothing to stop it, or to get at her, if she wanted to be there. She'd been so touched that she'd started to cry as she blubbered how she wouldn't miss it for the world.

They'd both shed tears last night at various points. So much damage had been done. So many hurtful lies, time wasted, years stolen from them . . . the only thing that made it bearable was that they'd finally talked, and by the end of the night, they both wanted to have a relationship from then on. To start anew. To be in each other's lives. The thought of it made her heart swell. Even if he was an adult now, to get to be Colin's mother again . . . it was more than she'd ever dared to dream about.

But at the end of the night, she'd been too tired to make the trip back to Long Island, so she'd taken a room at the hotel, as Dane had often told her to do.

Dane. She sighed and sank onto the bed. The joy of reuniting with her son had been smudged by how she'd hurt him. She hadn't been able to stop thinking of him. Every time she recalled the flash of pain in his eyes before he'd stormed off, replayed the scorn in his words, her insides seized with shame and she cringed. He'd tried to protect her, had been worried for her, and what had she done to repay him for his kindness? Rebuffed him so coldly that she might as well have spit in his face.

What the hell had she been thinking? Her eyes shut as she shuddered for the hundredth time.

Truthfully, she hadn't been thinking. She'd been shocked, and thrown off balance, and a bit scared—scared that Dane's actions would drive Colin out of the hallway before she ever got a chance to talk to him. And she'd taken it out on Dane.

She had to fix things.

Her cell phone rang on the nightstand. She'd chosen the ringtone of Dave Brubeck's “Take Five” only for her favorite pianist, so she didn't have to check the caller ID. “Hey, Kel.”

“Hey yourself,” came Kelvin's voice. “Tell me everything.”

She lay back on the bed and exhaled a deep breath before launching into the tale. “Colin stayed in my dressing room and talked with me until a quarter after four. He had a million questions. Long story short, for now? It's pretty much what I've always thought: Max filled his head with lies about me. Told him I was too focused on my singing career to be a mom, that I always put myself first, so Max had to sweep in and take care of him all by himself. Painted himself out to be a hero and me to be a selfish bitch who willingly abandoned her son.”

Kelvin let fly a string of curses.

“I know. I know.” Her stomach tensed just thinking about the vile things Colin had told her. “But hey, he's here. I think—I
hope
—he believed me as I dismantled Max's lies one by one. I didn't bash his father; I just told him the truth. And I told him he could ask you or Randi for verification on anything if he wanted to.”

“Oh, I'd give that boy an earful,” Kelvin promised.

Julia smiled. “I bet you would.”

“My God, Jules . . . you must be so relieved. And
happy.
”

She chewed on her lip for a moment as she considered. “I am. I really am. But there's a piece of me afraid to believe it, you know? That he's
here.
That he came to find me, that we're going to talk regularly now, that we can have a relationship of some kind. It's . . .” Her throat thickened and she swallowed back the lump there. “It's overwhelming. It's all I've ever wanted. A chance to explain what really happened, and have him believe me. And mostly, just to have him back in my life.”

“And now you have it, sweetheart,” Kelvin cooed. “God, I'm so happy for you. Let yourself believe it. It happened, it's real.”

“He's probably still sleeping,” Julia said. “I got a room just down the hall from him. We're going to have dinner together at seven. Isn't that wonderful?”

“It is.”

She smiled to herself with soft pride. “He's such a great guy, Kel.”

“Of course. He's got your DNA in him. Max couldn't flush
all
of that out of him.”

“I'm sure if there was a way, he would have.” Julia sighed. “You know that Colin is afraid to go back there, to see him? He's half scared, half furious. He said half of him wants to get in his dad's face and blast him on all of it, and the other half just doesn't even want to deal with it. I don't blame him. Max can be scary when he's angry . . . Julia sighed again. “I don't know what to do.”

“You need to step back and do nothing,” Kelvin cautioned. “Let him choose what happens next, and don't try to sway him at all. You just let him know you're here, that you'll support him in whatever he decides to do, and then just step back. 'Cause my bet is Max will push, threaten, make demands, like he always did—and Colin will quickly see who really wants him to be his own man.”

“Good call, Mr. Jones,” Julia said. “I think you're right.”

“Good. While you're actually listening to my pearls of wisdom, hear this,” Kelvin warned. “I wasn't gonna get into it with you in front of your son, but
damn
, you were a raging bitch to Dane last night.”

She cringed. “I know.”

“He was just trying to—”

“I know.”

“And you were so—”

“I know!”

“Well, what are you going to do about it?” Kelvin demanded. “Julia Shay. When are you gonna get your head out of your ass and see that man's the best thing that's happened to you in a long time? That he cares about you? That man has
feelings
for you, Princess, and you stomped all over 'em in your stilettos.”

“Stop,” she moaned. “I know. You're right. I suck. Guilty as charged. This one's all on me. I really messed up, and I have to be the one to fix it.”

“Agreed. So, then? What are you gonna do about it?” Kelvin repeated. “I don't hear a plan of action. All I hear is you flogging yourself, as usual. Knock it off.”

“You are one fierce bitch today,” Julia remarked.

“If I was
there,
I'd be smacking you upside your sorry red head,” he replied. “You're lucky. Now. It's a Sunday afternoon. Where would our favorite hottie hotel owner be? At the beach? At his apartment?”

“I have no idea.”

“You don't—have you even
tried
to call him or text him yet?”

She shifted uneasily on the mattress. “Well . . . no. I figured he's so mad at me, I should give him some space.”

“That's the dumbest thing I've heard today!” Kelvin cried. “Dane doesn't need
space.
He needs to know you didn't mean to be so thick and that you're sorry and that you love him! Damn, woman, do I have to tell you everything?”

Even as her stomach churned, Julia couldn't help but chuckle softly.

“You need to talk to him face-to-face, Jules. You need to go find him in person and beg forgiveness. But.” He paused. “Only if you want something real with him. Like, a relationship. Because he quite clearly wants more. If you don't, he just gave you the perfect out, and it'll be over. You can have a clean break, leave it as it is.”

“No. I don't want it to be over. I . . .” She swallowed hard. Her mouth was dry and her heart started to thump in heavier beats. “Kel, I don't know if he'll still want me. And if he doesn't want to work it out, I couldn't take that rejection. Not now. Not after . . .” Her voice trailed off as she closed her eyes against new tears.

“Not after what?”

“Not after I realized how much I love him. I've just been scared. . . .” She wanted to kick herself. “I've been such an idiot,” she whispered hotly. Her throat closed up and she sniffed back the tears that threatened. “Oh God, Kelvin . . . I want to be with him. I love him. I've been so afraid that he was going to hurt me, that I hurt him first. More than once. I didn't mean to. I didn't . . . God, I don't blame him for walking away.”

“Then go get him back. While you still can.”

“
If
I still can . . .” She drew a quivery breath, then reached for a tissue from the nightstand and dabbed at her eyes.

“Answer me something,” Kelvin said. “You really want something with him?”

“I do,” she said. “I love him. He's wonderful.”

“Then you have to really go for it. Swallow your fears, swallow your pride, and go tell him everything you just told me.”

“You make it sound so easy,” she said.

“It is, Jules.” It was Kelvin's turn to sigh. “Honey . . . you deserve him, you know. And you deserve to be happy. Don't you know that yet?”

“Yeah,” she whispered back. “I didn't know that for a long time. And with him, not at first. I've been too busy beating myself up, and protecting myself, to see what was right in front of me. I know he cares about me. He might even have feelings for me too. That scared me a few weeks ago. Not anymore. I have to just get over it already. Dane's never been anything but good to me. He's never given me any reason to doubt him.”

“Finally, she gets it.” Kelvin sounded relieved. “Honey . . . I've had many boyfriends. They've been fabulous. We had fun, I adored them, the sex was great. . . .” He paused, and his voice got hushed as he said, “And I'd give anything for any of them to have ever looked at me the way I've seen Dane look at you. He's head over heels for you, Julia.”

Her breath stuck in her chest. Stunned speechless, she stilled.

“I wouldn't encourage you to go after him if I thought he didn't give a shit about you,” Kelvin said. “I know he does. And
I
know you love him, but you need to let
him
know that. Now. Yesterday. Last week.”

A quick, wry laugh bubbled from her.

“Okay. Go find that man and lay it all out there. This is not the time for holding back, you hear me?”

“I hear you.” Julia sat up on the bed. New resolve and determination flowed through her like liquid, something powerful, infusing her with strength and fire. “I don't want to lose him, Kelvin. I have to tell him.”

“Thatta girl.”

“But . . .” A last burst of fear skittered through her. “What if it's too late? What if I really blew it?”

“Only one way to find out.”

“Right.” Julia rose from the bed and went across the room to her tote bag. “Kelvin Jones, you are the best friend in the world.”

“You're right. I am. Lucky you.”

She laughed. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said. “I'm glad I could help. And I'm so glad it went well with Colin.”

“Why don't you come out with us tomorrow night?” she asked.

“I'd love to, but I'll leave it at maybe,” Kelvin said. “I'm hoping tomorrow night you're going to be too busy having dinner with Dane to have time for me.”

She huffed out a nervous breath and said, “I'll get back to you on that.”

 

 

She hadn't been able to reach Dane. He was unreachable. He was avoiding her.

Julia had sent three texts and left a voice mail, with no response. She couldn't even be mad at him for it. He'd never shut her out like this before. Whether he was doing it to give her a taste of her own medicine, or because he was really done with her, she didn't know. All she knew was she hated it.

At least dinner with Colin was delightful. They went to a small Italian restaurant on the Upper East Side that Dane had taken her to a few weeks earlier. The food was fantastic, and the moments of awkwardness between them were noticeably fewer than only the night before. They were already moving into a good groove, feeling more comfortable with each other. Conversation didn't stop; she asked him about his friends, high school, college, his courses there, did he have any girlfriends, where did he want to live when he finished school, a million things. He answered all her questions, seemingly fascinated and touched by her interest in him. She worked hard not to seem overeager and kept it cool.

When they got back to the hotel, they'd parted ways. She needed to go home. He decided he'd spend Monday walking around the city, maybe the Village, maybe go to a museum, whatever hit him when he woke up in the morning. They made plans to have dinner again on Monday night, with Kelvin and Randi joining them, and he'd decide how much longer he'd stay in New York.

It was like a dream come true.

But on the train ride home, the raw ache in her heart floated back to the surface. Dane wasn't answering her messages. Would he ever talk to her again, or was he just done with her? She'd gotten back to her apartment with her insides swirling, almost nauseous. Even after a fourth text to Dane around midnight, he clearly wasn't responding. Crawling into bed with her eyes stinging, she ruefully thought that maybe the universe wasn't done toying with her after all: she had gained back her son, but it seemed she'd lost the man she loved.