More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (15 page)

(A mother and her little boy come into the bookshop)

LITTLE BOY
(looking around, astounded)
: Mummy … have we gone back in time?!

CUSTOMER:
I’m looking for a birthday present for a friend. She loves books.

BOOKSELLER:
Great, I can help you look if you want?

CUSTOMER:
Thanks. Oh, wait! Do you do birthday cakes shaped like books? She’d love that!

BOOKSELLER:
… No.

CUSTOMER:
OK. What do you do?

BOOKSELLER:
We do books … shaped like books.

CUSTOMER:
Ah. OK. That could work, too.

CUSTOMER:
I’d like to talk to you about God.

BOOKSELLER:
I’m sorry but I don’t discuss religion with our customers.

CUSTOMER:
Are you denying God? God could be anywhere! What if I’m God – do you risk denying me?

(Pause)

CUSTOMER
(glaring angrily)
: God’s everywhere, lady! He’s probably hiding behind this bookcase!

CUSTOMER:
I need to return this book
(produces
The Iron Man
by Ted Hughes)
.

BOOKSELLER:
Is there a problem?

CUSTOMER:
Yes! It doesn’t have Robert Downey Jr. in it. AT ALL.

WOMAN:
I think my grandson has swallowed a love potion. Do you have a book that has an antidote?

BOOKSELLER:
Why do you think he’s swallowed a love potion?

WOMAN:
He’s completely besotted with a girl who is not good enough for him. Not good enough at all!

BOOKSELLER:
…

WOMAN:
I didn’t really believe in love potions myself, you know, but now I’m not so sure.

BOOKSELLER:
I see.

(Pause)

WOMAN
(angrily)
: Kids! They’ve got all sorts of ideas in their heads these days. It’s all because of that Harry Potter!

CUSTOMER
(looking at the history section)
: I’ve always wanted to be a prisoner of war.

BOOKSELLER:
…

CUSTOMER:
It sounds romantic, doesn’t it?

CUSTOMER:
I’m looking for that book …
Romeo and Juliet
. It’s about a fight between the DiCaprios and another gang. Street stuff.

CUSTOMER’S FRIEND:
Yeah. it’s the true story of Leonardo DiCaprio.

CUSTOMER:
I’d like to buy a book for a friend.

BOOKSELLER:
Sure, what does she like?

CUSTOMER
(deep in thought)
: Well, she’s quite racist …

BOOKSELLER:
…

CUSTOMER
(eagerly)
: I really liked
Fifty Shades of Grey
.
(Pause)
Do you have an illustrated version?

LITTLE GIRL
(with her hands on her hips, talking about
Alice in Wonderland
)
: Alice falls down a hole in the ground because she doesn’t look where she’s going? I wouldn’t be that stupid.

CUSTOMER:
Are these books fire-proof?

BOOKSELLER:
… Nope.

CUSTOMER:
Well, that’s not very useful is it?