More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (16 page)

(Phone rings)

BOOKSELLER:
Hello?

CUSTOMER:
Oh, you’re there! Thank goodness.

BOOKSELLER:
How can I help?

CUSTOMER:
I’m making a chicken pie from handwritten instructions, and I can’t read my own handwriting.

BOOKSELLER:
… Right.

CUSTOMER:
Could you check the recipe for me?

Bookseller:
… How?

CUSTOMER:
Oh! I copied it out of one of the books on the top shelf of your cookery section when I was in last week. I write a new one down whenever I come in – no point in buying the whole book when I can just do that. I was in a hurry last time so my writing’s a mess!

BOOKSELLER:
…

CUSTOMER:
I need to know what happens after I add the stock. Could you have a look? It’s the big black book, with gold lettering on the spine.

BOOKSELLER:
I’m afraid I sold that book earlier today.

CUSTOMER:
What? But … but I need it! Why didn’t you stop them taking it?

CUSTOMER:
Do you have a book on how to identify swingers?

CHILD:
What’s your oldest book?

BOOKSELLER:
We have a set of books from 1776.

CHILD:
Wow … That’s nearly as old as grandma!

CUSTOMER:
Do you have any audiobooks in Chinese? I want them for my six year old son.

BOOKSELLER:
I don’t think we do. Does your son speak Chinese?

CUSTOMER:
No.

BOOKSELLER:
… Are you looking for an audiobook to help him learn Chinese?

CUSTOMER:
He doesn’t need to learn it; I just want a story in Chinese for him to listen to.

BOOKSELLER:
But … how will he understand it?

CUSTOMER
(frustrated)
: Look, there’s a billion people who can understand Chinese on this planet. Are you saying my son is stupid?

CUSTOMER:
Do you have a copy of
Jane Eyre
? We’re doing it in our book club.

BOOKSELLER:
Sure. I’ll just get you a copy.

CUSTOMER:
Thanks. You know, I go to this book club thing, but I really hate reading.

BOOKSELLER:
So … why do you go to the book club?

CUSTOMER:
I don’t know, really.
(Pause)
. To make things easier, I bought a book called
How To Talk About Books You Haven’t Read
.

BOOKSELLER:
Yeah?

CUSTOMER:
Yeah.
(Pause)
. I didn’t read it.

CUSTOMER:
I bought this book last week, and I’d like to return it.

BOOKSELLER:
I just saw you pick this book up from the shelf and bring it to the desk. You didn’t buy it last week.

CUSTOMER
(looking shifty)
: I did!

BOOKSELLER:
… No, you didn’t.

CUSTOMER:
… OK. Fine. I didn’t.

BOOKSELLER:
So, can you put the book back on the shelf?

CUSTOMER
(angrily)
: Wait a minute; I might want to buy it. Don’t jump to conclusions!

CUSTOMER:
Do you have
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abracadabra
?

CUSTOMER:
I’d like to buy these books using this voucher.

BOOKSELLER:
… Erm, this voucher is for a free burger.

CUSTOMER:
Yes. I thought it should be a ratio of two books to one burger. Does that seem fair?

CUSTOMER:
Guess what.

BOOKSELLER:
What?

CUSTOMER:
I’m building a spaceship in my back garden to scare my neighbours.