Mother (2 page)

He stared at a bottle of vodka on his bedside table.
Grey Goose, nothing but the best.
The alcohol was one of the reasons he’d left in the first place - he knew he had to quit. And he had, for nearly two years. But there it was.
She’d
brought it to him, saying it would help his pain.
This time she may be right.
He shook a handful of pills onto his palm, grabbed the vodka from the table, and swallowed them. The burn satisfied. Motionless, he waited. And waited. But nothing happened. He didn’t even feel sick, but he knew he’d taken enough to do the job. More than enough.

At last, he felt the first buzz of the drugs and rolled himself into the closet. He pulled the door closed behind him, and as drowsiness began its dance, he fashioned his leather belt into a noose. Where the pills might fail him, the noose would not. She would find his body before long, but he didn’t care; his soul would be free. And all that mattered now was that
she
couldn’t follow him.
 

Part 1:
 

The Beginning of Always

“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!”
 

-Dante Alighieri, Inferno

At the Rat Trap
 

“I can’t believe you’ve been talking to her behind my back.” Claire Holbrook glared at her husband. “I told you, I never want to see her again!”

Jason set a stack of bills on the kitchen table. “We have a lot of debt built up. A hell of a lot.”

Claire’s eyes flitted to the pile of envelopes.
 

Jason leaned back and blew out a breath. “Our unemployment checks cover some of them, but ...” His gaze moved to Claire’s abdomen.
 

Instinctively, she touched her stomach. He could see she was fighting back tears.
 

“I don’t know what other choice we have.” Jason stood and put an arm around his wife, surprised when she stiffened against his touch. “It would be temporary.”

“She’s crazy, Jason. You don’t understand. There’s a reason I never talk about my mother. She’s certifiable.”

“We’d only be there until we can get back on our feet, Claire. She’s already lined me up with a job at a flight school. It’s not as much as I was making as a pilot, but it’s a lot better than waiting tables. I’m not in a position to turn it down.”
 

An airline pilot working out of San Francisco International, Jason Holbrook had been living the dream until he had a small seizure - on the ground, fortunately - and was subsequently diagnosed with a mild form of epilepsy. Very mild, but still, it
was
epilepsy … and Jason would never fly another plane. It was the greatest disappointment of his life. “We deserve better than this.” He looked around the studio apartment, at the stained walls, the ratty carpet, the drooping cabinets. “This is an opportunity to start over. I think we should take it. We have to.”

“But to go back to Snapdragon. To go back to …
her.
” Claire’s gaze touched the stack of unpayable bills on the chipped table top.
 

With her glossy chestnut hair, fair skin, and clear blue-green eyes, she looked out of place here, a sparkling diamond in a tarnished setting. “I don’t want to pressure you, sweetheart,” said Jason. “But we’re out of options.”

“I won’t subject this child to her. I won’t. You have no idea, Jason.” Claire’s hand returned to her stomach. “Your family was so nice, so normal. Mine wasn’t.”

Jason winced. “Well, if Mom and Dad were still around, I know they’d be happy to help, but …” His parents had been killed in an auto accident two years before; it was a wound that had barely begun to heal.

“I wish they were around.”

“Me too. But they aren’t.” He sighed. “We can be out of your mother’s house before the baby comes. It’ll be smooth sailing.”

“Nothing goes smoothly with her, Jason. Nothing.”

He shrugged. “Maybe she’s changed. Age has a way of mellowing people. You haven’t talked to her in-”

“Ten years.”

“That’s a long time, Claire. People change.”

She shook her head. “Not her. She’ll never change. Trust me on this.”

“Claire, sweetheart. We’ve gone from living in a beautiful little house of our own in Berkeley to renting this scuzzy apartment in Oakland. We can stay here and keep looking for work-”

“I can work from anywhere, Jason. I already have a couple of clients that followed me from IMRU.” When IMRU Designs shut down, Claire and Jason had taken it as a sign she should follow her dream and start her own website design business. Plus, with a baby on the way, she couldn’t go job hunting. Dr. Lightfoot had warned her to take it easy - her pregnancy was moderately risky - and that meant no unnecessary stress.
 

“I know,” he said, leading her to the couch. They sat and he put his hand over hers. She started to pull away, then stopped. A good sign. “I know, and I have every confidence that you will have a fantastic business, but it’ll take time to get off the ground, and I haven’t been able to find work here.”
No one wants a pilot who can’t fly.

Claire looked up at him and he saw her lip tremble. He wanted to kiss it, to hold her, but knew she wouldn’t like it right now; strength was too important to her. Finally, she spoke. “You said she got you a job at a flight school.”
 

“Yes, teaching. Simulations. Everything but actual flying.”

“What’s the name of the business?”

“Schuyler’s Flight School, and-”

“Wait, stop. Paul Schuyler?”

“You know him?”

“He was Tim’s best friend. They grew up together.” Claire shook her head.
 

She rarely spoke of her older brother. Jason knew virtually nothing about him; it was a sensitive topic, so he didn’t pry. “I’d be doing what I love - or the next best thing. After I get some experience, I can parlay that into being an instructor at a big airport, or even at one of the military bases in northern California. We might be able to move back to Berkeley eventually.”

“Yes, but that takes time, and I don’t want to stay that long. I don’t even want her to
see
our baby. Ever.”

He found it hard to believe anyone could be as horrible as Claire claimed her mother was. He thought perhaps the two of them simply butted heads; it made sense that the mother would be as headstrong as the daughter. “Claire, I’ll make enough money at this job in Snapdragon that it won’t be too long before we can rent a place of our own. Someplace
nice.
” He looked around the shoddy one-room apartment. “Not like this. A place we can live in happily with our baby until we can move back to the city.”

“You don’t understand, Jase. She’ll do everything in her power to keep us with her.”

“We won’t let her, it’s as simple as that.” Jason took Claire’s hand. “It’s been a long time. She’s not the woman you remember. She’ll be thrilled to see you again, she told me so. She misses you - she hasn’t laid eyes on you since you were seventeen!”

Claire looked unimpressed.

Jason leaned in. “We’re a great team, Claire. I think we can take her.” He gave her a grin, pleased when she smiled back.

“She’ll try to divide us, Jason. That’s what she does.”

He shrugged. “We can survive her.” He squeezed her hand and saw something change in her eyes. Her resolve was melting away. “It’s our best move. Right now, it’s our
only
move. And there’s something else.”

Her eyes flashed. “What?”
 

“It’s good, don’t worry.” Jason smiled at her. “We wouldn’t actually be living with her. She says she understands that we’re a married couple and that we need our privacy, and has offered us the apartment above her garage,
rent-free
, until we’re back on our feet!”

“I see.” Claire looked him in the eye. “Please tell me she doesn’t know I’m pregnant.”

Jason took a slow breath. “I’m sorry, but I did tell her. It was a slip.” He paused. “But, Claire, she was really happy about it.”

Claire’s eyes went dead. “No. If she didn’t know, it would be bearable for a couple months, or at least until I start showing. But I can’t … I just can’t.” Her voice was cold, distant. “You shouldn’t have told her. That was out of bounds, Jason.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

Her eyes blazed. Claire was hard to rouse, but her fury was god-like when ignited.
 

“I was wrong to say anything. It just slipped-”

She glared at him for long moments, then her expression softened. “I’m sorry, too. I’ve only been thinking of myself. You’ve been through hell. You’ve had your life ripped apart.” She sighed. “I wish you hadn’t said anything to her about the baby, but I guess I can understand.” She paused. “She probably wheedled it out of you.”

“She was pretty charming, but it’s my fault. I’m sorry. I would never intentionally betray our trust.” He meant every word. Ever since the epilepsy diagnosis, he hadn’t been the sturdy, reliable guy Claire had fallen in love with back in college. He was an emotional wreck, fighting depression from day one. He looked at her. “I’ll never betray you again.”

She took his hand and pulled him down to sit with her on the sofa. “Maybe we could rent a house near the airport and not tell her. It’s a lot cheaper to live in Gold Country than it is in the Bay Area.”

“Maybe … but with the foreclosure, our credit is shot. We’re down to one car and can barely make the payments on it. Hell, we can barely afford this rat hole. But with the new job, we can save, and rent a place before too long - six months, max.”

“Six months?”

Jason nodded. “Without credit, we need to pre-pay at least that much rent, but I think we can save up
and
be out of your mother’s house in that time.”

She blinked at him and he saw something in her eyes he hadn’t seen in months: hope. “Do you promise? Six months at the most?”

“You have my word. You’re eight weeks pregnant now,” he added. “That means we’ll be in our own place, away from your mother, before the baby comes.”

She nodded then looked around the small apartment. “We’ll need a contingency plan.”

“What do you mean?”

“As soon as we get there, I’m going to start looking at new places. If she tries anything,
anything
at all, we’ll have an escape plan, even if we have to rent another rat trap by the week over by Snapdragon Airport.” She watched a shiny brown cockroach scuttle into one of the cupboards and shivered. “Anything would be better than this.”

Relief crashed over him. “I think that’s a great plan, Claire.” He pulled her close and kissed her forehead. She didn’t pull away, so he grazed her lips with his. She put her hands on his cheeks and held him there, relaxing in his embrace. The months of worry, of constant anxiety, melted away in the span of that kiss. For the first time since losing his job at the airline, Jason Holbrook felt hope for the future.
 

At 3,500 Feet

“So you grew up here,” Jason said as they passed another sign announcing the turnoff for Snapdragon Caverns.
 

“I did,” Claire said. “Right here, in the middle of nowhere.” On the radio, John Denver started singing about country roads taking him home. She turned it off.
Home,
she thought. While John Denver’s childhood home may have been all rainbows and roses, hers was the last place she wanted to be.
Jason has no clue. How did I let him talk me into this?
The reply came unbidden:
Because there’s no other choice.
 

“It sure is pretty up here.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Claire looked at the oaks and pines that surrounded them as they drove the twisting road through the forest. They’d reached Highway 49 nearly an hour before, passing famous gold rush towns like Sonora and Angel’s Camp, then turned east on Highway 4. Just after Murphys, they’d turned off on Snapdragon Highway and were now winding further into the hills. It
was
beautiful, but with each passing mile, the knot in Claire’s gut tightened and writhed.
 

All she could think about was seeing Mother for the first time in ten years. She hadn’t planned on ever laying eyes on that woman again, let alone living on her property. Suddenly, from the dark recesses of her mind rose memories, fragmented flashes of sensations rushing her: the pungent smell of bleach, her big brother Tim in tears … and then a feeling of falling, falling.
Falling!
Instinctively, she clutched the armrest.
Slow deep breaths,
she told herself. In moments, it passed.

“You okay?” Jason glanced at her.

“Just a little nausea. It’ll pass.”

She looked out the window.
At least I’ll get to see Dad again.
She felt bad about the way she’d treated him as a child; she’d been afraid of him because of his handicaps and she wanted to make up for that.
 

And then there was Aunt Babs. Claire looked forward to seeing her, more than anyone
.
Babs Vandercooth, a neighbor and friend of Claire’s mother, was the only person in Snapdragon that Claire had kept in touch with; she was more like a mother than Priscilla Martin ever had been.
 

“Look!” Jason pointed. “A deer.” He grinned. “Did you see it?”
 

His optimism was making it hard to be so glum. “I did.”
 

“I’ll bet you hiked the caverns,” he said.

“Yes, but never tell Mother. When Tim was in high school, he and his girlfriend took me along on a tour. It was so much fun.”

“Why can’t your mother know?”

“She forbade us all to go.”

“Why?”

“She claimed there was poison gas in the caverns. Even now, she’d throw a conniption if she knew we’d gone.”

Jason laughed. “You’re kidding.”

“I swear it.” She paused, fond memories of her big brother returning. “If it hadn’t been for Tim, I’d never have gotten to go to a parade or a carnival or a rodeo. Having an older brother who knew how to sneak around was really great. He made life bearable. Even fun.”

“I’m glad you had him as long as you did. But your mother forbidding you to go to tourist attractions? That really
is
crazy.”