Mr. Darcy's Proposal (37 page)

Darcy stared into the fire, apparently unwilling to meet her eyes. She continued to stand behind her chair, leaning on it for support.

“When my father died, I do not think I could have survived my grief if you had not been at my side to give me comfort. Every day I have leaned on you a little more, and every day my feelings for you have grown,” she said, “but it has not been easy for me to acknowledge. For as many times as you have seemed patient and understanding, there have been an equal number of times we have disagreed. The other night, I spoke to you in anger and what I said was insulting and hurtful beyond belief. I am more sorry than you can imagine to have spoken to you that way, but I lost my temper. You did not deserve it.”

She watched his face but saw no reaction to her words. “Since then I have thought of nothing else. At first, I did not understand how I could have been so hateful to you. I spent the rest of that night going over every conversation we have had and examining my feelings and actions.”

When he still did not acknowledge her, she went over to his chair and perched on the footstool beside him. Placing her hand on his leg, Elizabeth leaned closer. “In spite of our disagreements, I have come to care for you very much.” Her mouth felt full of cotton wool, and she had to swallow to clear her voice. “I love you, William. Truly I do. I only wish I had realized it sooner.”

Darcy examined at her face for a moment as if searching for something, but then looked away again. Elizabeth took his hand and pressed it against her cheek. “You are more dear to me than I could ever have imagined. I pray I have not killed your love for me. Please tell me it is not too late.” Her eyes filled with tears as she fought to keep her voice even. “I know that insulting you as I did was a strange way to show it. I have no excuse for my behavior, but could we not try to begin again?”

Darcy still said nothing. He seemed to find something on the other side of the room more interesting.

“Why must we go on this way? We are both miserable. My greatest wish is that somehow you could just forget what I said.”

His eyes were more sad than angry. “How?” he replied.

Elizabeth’s heart sank. Her fears were renewed that she had irrevocably ruined everything. She gathered her dignity as best she could. “Yes, I remember now you told me that your good opinion once lost was lost forever,” she said quietly, “but I had hoped over time that unyielding part of you had changed. It does not serve us well to dwell on the hurts we have inflicted on each other. If you cannot forget what I said, then I beg you to find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Darcy remained silent. “Do you have nothing to say, sir?” She wanted to take his face in her hands and—what
did
she want to do? Slap him to get his attention? Kiss him?

“I do not want to argue any more. Now please leave me,” he said coldly.

Leaning close, she kissed him on the cheek and whispered, “I love you and I will continue to tell you so until you believe me.”

Once back in her own room, she crawled into her bed. Too tired to cry any more, she fell asleep almost immediately. Sometime during the night, she dreamed she was trying to tell Darcy how much she loved him, but a storm was raging and he could not hear her. The words came out of her mouth, but they just blew away in the wind.

***

Unable to sleep, Darcy paced his room. He could not believe he had been so cold to her. Almost from the moment they had met, he had dreamed of hearing her say those words—”I love you.” Now she had said them, but he was not certain if he should believe her. She had no reason to mislead him unless she had decided for some reason that her life would be better if she were to play the role of the dutiful wife.

No, that would not be like her. She had always been honest and straightforward about her feelings. He could not believe it was in her nature to be deceptive. Still, how could he be certain? If he confessed his love for her and found out later that she had not been truthful, he knew the pain would all but kill him. Oh, how he wished he had a better understanding of the female mind. He had struggled over the years to grasp his sister’s behavior, but it had been to no avail. She, too, remained a mystery to him.

And now Elizabeth. Each time he was in her presence, his heart beat faster. Even now as angry and upset as he was, he had to fight to maintain his composure because a mere look from her could undo him in an instant. He felt almost powerless in her presence. When she sat beside his chair and put her hand on his knee, he could not breathe. And when she leaned over to whisper to him, he had been dangerously close to pulling her into his lap and kissing her with all the passion he had been holding back for months.

He tried to remember how his parents had been when they were together. It was a long time ago, but he had the sense that they sometimes communicated without words. Once he had observed them exchange a look that had said everything about how they felt about each other. Everyone else in the room might have simply disappeared at that moment, and they would never have noticed. Would he ever find that with Elizabeth?

Forty Nine

The next morning Elizabeth’s eyes were puffy. When Margaret clucked over her and tried to apply some powder to hide the dark circles, Elizabeth waved her away. It seemed fitting that she look at least as badly as she felt. After further examining her face in the mirror, she concluded it would be better not to go down as she did not want to face the ordeal of pretending that everything was fine when it was not.

When the maid brought her some tea and toast, Elizabeth found a white envelope on her tray. Recognizing the bold script, she knew it was from Darcy.

Dear Madam,

I have been called to London on business early this morning. Due to the nature of my business, I cannot say how long I will be absent from Pemberley. Make my excuses to Georgiana and please take good care of her in my absence.

Fitzwilliam Darcy

She noticed immediately he had signed his full name instead of just “William” and she wondered if he had done it intentionally to mark a change in their relationship. It seemed so formal and cold. He must have fled to get away from her and he had left the note to be delivered on her breakfast tray. Instead of being hurt, she was angry. In her head, she called him every despicable name she could think of including coward, but still did not feel any better for it.

Unable to face the idea of keeping up a brave face for Georgiana and everyone else in the house in her current state of misery, she resolved to keep to her rooms for the entire day. When Margaret came to help her dress, Elizabeth instructed her, “Please let Mrs. Reynolds know I will staying in my room today with a headache and make my excuses to Colonel Fitzwilliam and Miss Darcy.”

“Oh, the Colonel went off this morning right after Mr. Darcy, ma’am,” Margaret told her.

Her humiliation was complete. Surely, now everyone would know the master had gone off without saying a word to her. Was he so angry that he could no longer tolerate being in the same house with her? Why had she realized so late how much he meant to her?

***

Early in the afternoon, Margaret knocked softly at her door. “I have a letter from your sister,” she said. “I brought it up straight away. I thought it might make you feel better.”

Elizabeth examined Jane’s untidy scrawl. How strange that someone who was neat and fastidious in so many ways had the worst handwriting she had ever seen—with the exception of Mr. Bingley, of course. His writing was almost always illegible, too. It was just another way in which Jane and her fiancé were perfect for each other, she thought with amusement. “Thank you, Margaret. It was very thoughtful of you.”

“Is there anything I can bring you, mistress?”

“No, thank you. I will just sit here and enjoy my letter.”

When Elizabeth read the letter, her heart almost broke. She did not think it was possible to be any more miserable than she was already, but it seemed she was mistaken.

Dearest Lizzy,

Something has happened of the most unexpected and serious nature and although I do not want to alarm you, please be assured that all of us here are well. What I have to say relates to poor Lydia. An express came a few days ago from Colonel Forster to inform us that she has gone off to Scotland with one of his officers. It is George Wickham! It was so unexpected. I did not know Lydia was a favorite of his. Kitty, who you know is always her confidant, did not seem as surprised.

I know you will find this hard to believe, but even I find it difficult to think well of him. We have always known Lydia to be a foolish girl but this is far worse than anything I could ever have imagined.

They were off on Saturday night about twelve but were not missed until the following morning at eight. Although Lydia left a letter for the Forsters saying they were going to Gretna Green to be married, Colonel Forster was not able to find any evidence that they had gone in that direction.

Wickham’s friend, Denny, who claims he tried to stop them, informed the Colonel he doubted Wickham ever intended to go there or even to marry Lydia at all. After some inquiries, they were traced as far as London.

As you may well imagine, our mother is greatly distressed at this news. She has retired to her room and will not come out. It is almost worse than when Father was ill, as we all know Lydia to be her favorite.

As there is nothing we here can do to find her, I have written to Uncle Gardiner hoping he can be prevailed upon to make inquiries in London to locate them. I am sure he will come to our aid in this terrible time, as he is the kindest and best of men. With Father gone, he will most certainly act in his place to find Lydia and bring her home or do what needs to be done to ensure that Wickham marries her as soon as possible before our disgrace is known. Charles was called out of town to handle a business emergency and will not return until the end of the week. If she has not been found by that time, I am hoping he will assist Uncle Gardiner in the search.

I am sorry to have to bring you such terrible news, but I thought you would want to be informed as soon as possible. I know it is too much to ask, but perhaps you and Mr. Darcy could also travel to London to help find our poor, foolish sister.

I send my love,

Jane

Even before she had finished the letter, Elizabeth resolved to leave as soon as possible for London. She would go directly to her aunt and uncle’s house to be of whatever assistance she could. She felt the need to be near her family during this crisis, and Mrs. Gardiner was just the person to give her comfort.

Elizabeth also hoped there would be a way to keep Darcy from learning about the shameful situation Lydia had created. She just could not bear it that yet again her family should bring such embarrassment to her husband. All the way to London, she prayed it would all be resolved before she would have to tell him.

Fifty

When Elizabeth arrived at her aunt and uncle’s house on Gracechurch Street, she thought she detected some discomfort on her aunt’s part at her unexpected appearance on their doorstep. She put this down to her aunt’s concern for Lydia but remained alert that something else might be amiss. Much to her relief Elizabeth learned that her uncle had already begun making inquiries in an effort to locate her sister and Mr. Wickham.

Mrs. Gardiner told Elizabeth it was his hope to find the couple and then try to convince Lydia to return to Gracechurch Street with him. It was possible if Lydia was recovered quickly enough they might be able to keep the scandal from spreading too far. Failing that, Mr. Gardiner would try to persuade Wickham—with financial incentives if necessary—to marry Lydia as soon as the banns could be read.

“So Mr. Darcy does not know you are in town?” asked her aunt.

“No, he left Pemberley two days ago to attend to some business,” said Elizabeth.

“Lizzy, dear, I know this is not my concern but may I ask why you came here rather than going directly to Darcy House?”

“I have never been to the house here in London. I thought about sending word ahead but I was not comfortable going there for the first time without Mr. Darcy. Besides, I thought I might be of some help to you and Uncle.”

“Your place is at your husband’s side at a time like this.”

“I am not sure I can bear to tell him about this latest disgrace my family has brought upon him,” she said as tears welled up in her eyes. “The truth is I do not even know if he is in London at all.”

Mrs. Gardiner put her arms around her niece. “Is something else on your mind, Lizzy? This is more than just worry over Lydia.”