Mr. Darcy's Proposal (41 page)

Your Jane

Had Darcy and not her uncle really paid for everything? And if he did, what was his motive? Was it out of love for her or was he simply trying to protect the Darcy family name? Elizabeth resolved she must know the truth and immediately applied to the one person who might have the information she needed—her Aunt Gardiner.

***

The following day, Elizabeth arranged a visit to Gracechurch Street. As soon as the children went off for naps and lessons, the ladies took up their sewing. Once they were alone, Elizabeth asked Mrs. Gardiner to tell her everything she knew.

“He insisted on paying all Wickham’s debts and purchasing his commission, allowing your uncle no part in the arrangement. He said he was correcting what he had failed to do some time ago.”

“Darcy told me once he believed that if he had taken the trouble of making Wickham’s true character widely known last fall, Wickham would never have been able to make friends in Meryton the way he did, and his lies would have been revealed much sooner,” said Elizabeth. “I knew he had used his resources to find them, but I had no idea the extent of his involvement. How he must have suffered with Wickham’s smugness!” If only she had known, perhaps she could have been more of a comfort to him during that difficult and humiliating time.

“Your husband is a very honorable man, Lizzy. Of course, he would want to do the right thing.”

“This still does not explain why he would not want me to know. There was no need to be so secretive.”

Mrs. Gardiner set her sewing aside and patted the cushion on the settee next to her. As soon as Elizabeth joined her, she said, “Mr. Darcy told us he wanted to keep the full extent of his involvement from you, but his reason did not make sense to me at the time. After observing the two of you over the last few weeks, I think have begun to understand.”

“What do you mean?”

“The two of you have been very careful not to let anyone see the delicate state of your relationship, but you cannot disguise anything from those of us who know you well,” she said. “You are both miserable.”

Elizabeth looked around the room nervously. There was really no question of lying to her aunt. “I did not mean to be deceptive. It was just easier to pretend and hope no one noticed than to admit that my own husband can barely tolerate being in the same room with me!”

Elizabeth covered her face with her hands. Mrs. Gardiner remained silent, waiting to hear whatever it was her niece chose to reveal. “I cannot believe the muddle I have made of things. We have had our share of conflict, but shortly before he left for London, something happened. It was my fault entirely. We had an argument. My temper got the better of me, and I said some terrible things in anger. Now I am not certain he can ever forgive me.”

“Surely, nothing could be as bad as that,” said Mrs. Gardiner laying her hand on her niece’s arm.

“You know how I felt about Mr. Darcy when we married, but I have changed or perhaps I should say I have finally recognized what should have been clear to me all along.” Elizabeth looked at her aunt with tears in her eyes. “I love him. I love him so very much!” she cried. “My heart is breaking, and because I could not hold my tongue, it may be too late for us. I may have killed the love he had for me. Every time I tell him of my feelings, he does not believe me. He thinks I am just trying to play the dutiful wife.”

Mrs. Gardiner put her arms around her, and Elizabeth laid her head on her aunt’s shoulder for comfort. “Darcy said he did not want you to feel indebted to him because of what he was doing,” said Mrs. Gardiner.

Elizabeth flinched. “When those angry words passed between us, I said…I said…” she gulped back the lump that had formed in her throat so she could speak, “I can hardly believe what I said!”

“Surely, it cannot so bad.”

“It was much worse than bad. I said he was acting as if he thought I owed him something for all he has done for me. The minute I said it, I knew it was not true, but it was too late to take it back.”

“That does not sound so unforgiveable,” said Mrs. Gardiner.

“That was not all I said. Oh, I cannot bear to repeat the rest. Let me just say I insulted him in the worst possible way.”

“Oh, my poor dear girl,” said Mrs. Gardiner pulling Elizabeth against her more closely.

“Months ago, I started by despising him and somewhere along the way, I began to love him. I do not know how it happened, but it did. Now no matter what I say he does not believe me.” At that, tears began to well up in her eyes, and Elizabeth turned her face into her aunt’s shoulder. Mrs. Gardiner said nothing for a few minutes as she gently stroked her niece’s hair.

“He wants to believe you, my dear. I am sure of it. Everything he did to find Lydia and bring about the marriage was to ease the pain he knew you were feeling.”

Elizabeth sat up and looked at her aunt through reddened eyes.

“It was? I thought he was just protecting the Darcy name.”

“You forget that when he and your uncle were looking for Lydia, I had ample time to observe him. I know he loves you still.”

“He does?”

“If he did not care, why would he be so hurt?” said her aunt.

Elizabeth thought about this for a moment. While she hoped it was true, she could not be certain. “So you think he may still love me in spite of everything?” Elizabeth began to wipe away her tears with the corner of her shawl.

“Why else would he want to keep his actions from you?” said Mrs. Gardiner reaching for her handkerchief to dry Elizabeth’s eyes. “Oh, Lizzy, dear, even with a maid to help you dress, you still never remember to carry a handkerchief.”

Elizabeth patted her eyes. “This is how it all began,” she said, holding up the handkerchief.

“How what began?”

“The evening I received the letter from Jane telling me about Papa’s illness, I cried, and Mr. Darcy offered me his handkerchief. That was the first of many I have collected over the past few months from him. I do not know why but I kept them. They are all washed and folded in a drawer by my bed. I believe he has had to order new ones from his tailor,” she said, recalling his remarks. “He is too much of a gentleman to ask me to return them.”

Fifty Four

Although Darcy never brought up what had happened during Lady Catherine’s visit, Elizabeth began to notice subtle changes in his behavior. He dined with her on evenings when they were not with the Gardiners and went to his club less often. When he did go out in the evening, he returned home earlier. Whereas before, he would not speak unless he had something specific to tell her or a question to ask, now he seemed willing to carry on a conversation. The talk was strained, but she could tell he was trying.

That night after the discussion with her Aunt Gardiner, Elizabeth lay awake, trying to decide if she should speak to Darcy about what she had learned. At first, she had thought to keep it to herself but then realized she had to say something. To carry out her plan, Elizabeth asked Darcy if he would like to accompany her on a walk in the park and was thrilled when he agreed. Going down the front steps, he offered his arm, and she gladly accepted, heartened by even this small contact. At first, they merely talked about the weather. Finally, Elizabeth found the courage to speak.

“Mr. Darcy, I have something I must say to you,” she began. “I can no longer keep silent. I must thank you for everything you have done for my undeserving sister, Lydia. I cannot tell you how much your kindness means to me.”

Darcy looked away and did not speak for a moment. “You have already thanked me for helping to locate them. It was little enough,” he replied.

“I am speaking about the other ways in which you assisted. I know you paid Wickham’s debts and purchased his commission. Without those concessions, I am sure the marriage would never have taken place.”

He frowned. “I am very sorry you found out,” he said. “But how? Who told you?”

“Lydia slipped and mentioned something to Jane when they were in Meryton, and Jane wrote asking me what I knew. I applied to my aunt for the truth. We have all been under the impression that Uncle Gardiner had undertaken the financial arrangements.”

“And I was glad to let you think that,” he said. “I did not think Mrs. Gardiner was so little to be trusted.”

“Please, you must not blame her. Once I knew part of the story, I would not rest until I knew all of it. She would never have told me, but when I asked her directly, she could not lie to me. She is not capable of deception.”

Darcy smiled wryly. “No, of course she is not. Your aunt and uncle are very honorable people. I would be glad to count them as friends even if we were not related.”

“They have come to care a great deal for you, too,” Elizabeth told him quietly.

Darcy looked away self-consciously while they walked in silence. “When exactly did you learn of this?” he asked suddenly.

“Just yesterday,” Elizabeth told him.

“Yesterday?”

“Yes, I received a letter from Jane the day after Lady Catherine’s visit and I spoke with Aunt Gardiner after that,” she confirmed.

“So you just became aware of this yesterday?” he inquired.

“Yes, that is what I said. Yesterday. Why do you want to know?”

“It does not signify. I just curious; that is all,” Darcy told her. A small self-satisfied smile played across his lips as if he knew a secret he did not wish to share. Elizabeth thought about questioning him more but decided to leave it there. Pulling herself closer to him as they walked, she tried to content herself with hoping that a new beginning might be possible.

Fifty Five

That evening, Darcy surprised her by inquiring if she wished to return home to Derbyshire. Elizabeth eagerly agreed. Although she had not lived at Pemberley for very long, it had already become her home. Time away from the city with its noise and bustle would be a welcome balm to the stresses of the past few weeks.

The journey proved to be more pleasant than Elizabeth had imagined it would be. As they traveled, she and Darcy talked of possible changes to the gardens and some other improvements to the house. They also talked of plans for Jane and Bingley’s wedding, which was just around the corner. Elizabeth had been concerned that he might change his mind about having her family stay with them in London and giving the wedding breakfast for the couple. She was relieved to discover that he seemed to be looking forward to these events with pleasure. In the silent moments as they rode along, she examined his face for some sign of his feelings. Was he softening toward her or was it just her wish to believe it so? Sometimes she thought she detected a change in his manner and at others, he still seemed to be coolly indifferent.

At the point in the road where Pemberley could first be seen, Darcy ordered the carriage stopped. They both walked to the lookout with its amazing view of the house and valley. Quietly, Elizabeth slipped her arm through his and stood as close to him as possible. Although he did not acknowledge her, she was certain she saw a look of pleasure upon his face. She hoped it was not only for seeing home again, but also that she was by his side.

***

Once back at Pemberley, their lives generally returned to the patterns and rhythms they had established before their fight and Lydia’s elopement. Elizabeth took up her charitable work again, making deliveries to tenant families and calling on those in the parish who were sick or injured. From something Mrs. Reynolds said, she knew that Darcy was aware of what she was doing, but he said nothing about it to her. At one time, this would have made her uneasy, but now it made her smile. At least he cared enough to take an interest in her activities.

Elizabeth thought she saw some improvements in their relationship but hesitated to trust it. Darcy made no efforts to seek her out, but when they happened to find themselves alone, he did not make an excuse to leave as he had before. Although most conversations focused on mundane matters, Elizabeth sensed he was going beyond what was required to simply make a show of normalcy in front of Georgiana.

After they had been back a week, one rather urgent issue remained unresolved, and Elizabeth was unsure how to handle it. She knew they had to talk but was reluctant to risk disagreeing with Darcy on any matter lest it disturb the fragile truce they seemed to have established between them. It had to do with how and when they would tell Georgiana about the real reason for their sudden trip to London.

Elizabeth was of the opinion they should talk with her immediately, but Darcy favored keeping it from her for as long as possible. Elizabeth stood her ground on the matter. It had to be done. With Wickham married to her sister, the danger was too great that Georgiana might learn about it accidentally. After several uncomfortable discussions, he finally relented. Once that was decided, then they had different opinions about how to tell her. At first, Darcy thought he should speak to her alone, but finally Elizabeth convinced him it would be better to do it together. Several times, Darcy postponed, saying the time was not right yet, but after stalling for a week or so, he ran out of excuses.

***

“Georgiana, Elizabeth and I have something we need to speak with you about,” he began as they sat together in the family parlor one evening.