Mr. Jack Is a Maniac!

To Archie and Emi Silverstein

Dedication

  
1. The
H
Word

  
2. Mr. Jack Is Cool

  
3. Weapons of Mass Destruction

  
4. Step Outside

  
5. Butt-Kicking Time

  
6. Sweet Revenge

  
7. The Key to Self-Defense

  
8. Intimidation

  
9. Don't Try This at Home

10. The Emergency

11. Teamwork

12. The First Rule of Being a Kid

About the Author and Illustrator

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Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

My name is A.J. and I hate hate.

Let me explain.

It was a really nice day, so Dr. Brad, the school counselor, took our class out to the playground to talk. We sat in a circle near the monkey bars. Dr. Brad was telling us how kids need to be nicer to each other.

“‘Hate' is not a nice verd,” Dr. Brad told us.
*
“Vee should try to be kind and tolerant of uzzer people, even if vee don't like zem so much. Zuh verld vould be a better place if zare vuz less hate, no? So try not to use zat verd.”

“I hate hate,” I said.

“I can't think of anything I hate more than hate,” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.

“I hate people who hate people,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.

Everybody agreed that they hated hate. Well, everybody except Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair.

“If we shouldn't hate things,” Andrea said, “then we shouldn't hate hate. Right?”

Huh?

“Yeah, we should
like
hate,” said her crybaby friend Emily, who agrees with everything Andrea says.

“But it would be wrong to like hate,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

“I hate hate, but I hate hating hate, too,” said Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard everywhere.

I thought my head was going to explode. I hate when that happens.

“Nobody hates hate more than I hate hate,” said Ryan.

“I hate hate more than
you
hate hate!” said Michael.

“You do not!”

“I do too!”

They went back and forth like that for a while.

“Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate,” everybody was saying.

“SHTOP ZAYING HATE!” Dr. Brad shouted.

“But
you
just said it!” I told him.

Dr. Brad closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. Did you ever notice that only grown-ups rub their forehead with their fingers? Kids never do that. I guess when you grow up, your forehead gets itchy. Grown-ups are constantly rubbing their forehead with their fingers.

“Zuh point is,” said Dr. Brad, “vee should try to use zuh
H
verd less, and
love
each uzzer more.”

Everybody started giggling and poking each other with their elbows, because Dr. Brad said the
L
word. Anytime somebody says “love,” you should start giggling and poking the person next to you with your elbow. That's the first rule of being a kid.

“
You
know vut I mean,” Dr. Brad said. “If you have a disagreement viz somevon, you should try to talk it out instead of fighting about it all zuh time.”

Dr. Brad got up and we all walked near the woods at the end of the playground. We're not supposed to play back there. Our principal, Mr. Klutz, once told us that he saw a big, black bear out there one day. He was probably just kidding, but I stay away from the back of the playground anyway, because I don't want to get attacked by a big, black bear.

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened!

There was a loud sound in the trees.

We all turned around.

And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what came roaring out of the woods.

No, it wasn't a big, black bear.

Ha! You thought it was a big, black bear, didn't you? Well, nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you, because it wasn't. It was a big, black
motorcycle
. A big, black,
loud
motorcycle. And it was coming straight at us!

“Eeek!”
shouted all the girls.

“Run for your life!” shouted Neil the nude kid.

The big, black motorcycle skidded to a stop right next to Dr. Brad. After the dust cleared, the guy riding the motorcycle took off his helmet. He had deep-blue eyes and long, dark hair. He said only one word.

“Yo.”

Is “yo” even a word?

I know that “yo-yo” is a word. I saw this guy at a toy store once who did yo-yo tricks. He could fling the thing above his head, between his legs, and all over the place. Yo-yos are cool.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, it doesn't matter if “yo” is a word or not, because the motorcycle guy said it. And if you say it, I guess, it must be a word.

“Who's
he
?” everybody was asking.

“He's
cool
,” said Neil the nude kid.

“He looks like a movie star!” said Alexia.

“He's handsome!” said Andrea.

“He's
dreamy
!” said Emily.

The motorcycle guy turned off his motorcycle. He was wearing leather pants, leather shoes, a leather belt, and a leather jacket. That guy must
really
like leather! I wondered how many cows had to die to make his clothes.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a comb. Then he started combing his hair in slow motion. Doing anything in slow motion is cool. I saw this TV show once where they dropped watermelons out of a ten-story building and you could see them hit the ground and explode in slow motion. That was cool.

“Excuse me, sir,” said Dr. Brad. “May I ask who you are and vut you are doing on school property?”

The motorcycle guy didn't say anything for a long time. He just stared at Dr. Brad with his deep-blue eyes.