Mr. Right (17 page)

I pressed send and then cried into my pillow some more. I kept pressing my phone to see if he’d responded, but there was no reply. That made me angrier and even more hurt and I threw my phone across the room and heard it slam into the wall before it crashed to the floor. I grabbed my pillow to my face and sobbed harder, feeling like my heart was being wrenched out of my chest. I heard a beep from my phone and jumped up off the bed, my heart racing as I went to check my messages, praying it was from him. Praying that my messages had scared him to his senses. Praying that now he would say he was sorry. That he didn’t want to date anyone. That he only wanted to be with me. I prayed that he was going to ask, going to beg, if he could come back and talk to me. I picked up the phone and my heart sank when I saw the text from my credit card company telling me that my payment had gone through. There was no text message from Evan. I looked back at my message to make sure I had hit send. I had. I powered the phone on and off, just in case, and then stared at it as it powered back on, hoping a new beep would come. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I walked back to my bed slowly, feeling depressed and sad, and fell back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, my hand on my phone. I checked the screen incessantly, waiting for his response, yet nothing came.

I must have fallen asleep because a beeping at 4 a.m. made me wake up. My eyes flew open and I glanced at my phone. I saw Evan’s name and I looked away from the phone for a few seconds as my heart raced and I felt nervous. What was he going to say to my text? Was he going to say what I wanted him to say? I took a deep breath and opened the text and my heart sank at his reply:
Ok. I think that’s for the best.
That was it. That was bloody it. He didn’t care at all. Not one iota. He didn’t care. The tears started up again. And I threw my phone again, not caring if it broke or not. “I hate you,” I screamed into the night air of my room. “I hate you.” The tears streamed down my face and I punched my pillow, wanting to hurt something or someone as badly as I was feeling hurt inside. Evan’s face flashed into my mind and sadness filled me. “Why couldn’t you just love me?” I whispered to myself and then fear overwhelmed me. My feelings were so extreme. I was acting crazy and it scared me. Why was I feeling so, so hurt? Why was this affecting me so much? Was something wrong with me? Was it normal to love someone this much, even though we’d never really had a relationship? It scared me that I was so upset and hurt. But I couldn’t ignore the emptiness in my heart. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt like things in my life were never going to be right again. I couldn’t ignore the feeling that I loved Evan with everything that I had, and knowing he didn’t feel the same made me want to sink into a hole and disappear.

J
ess

Hi, I miss you. I want to talk to you. I want to call you. I want to text you, but I can't. I can't because I'm weak and I need to let you go, but it's hard because I love you. And I don't know how to stop. It's killing me inside. All I think about is you. You have every part of my heart. You have every part of me. I don't know how to let you go. I don't know how to stop the pain. I just want to close my eyes and imagine you here with me. I think I'm going to drive myself crazy. I think I've already driven myself crazy. My heart feels weak. My eyes are dry from crying so many tears. I feel empty without you and I can't even tell you.

Hi, I wrote you a letter today. I wrote you a letter to get it all out. I thought it would help. I thought it would make me feel better. I thought it would let me feel like everything is going to be okay. But it didn’t. It didn’t at all. It made me feel crazier. Why do I love you so much? It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that I would feel so betrayed. So sad. So angry. So undeniably confused and lost. Do you even think of me? Do I cross your mind, ever?

Hi, a part of me feels like you’re my soul mate. A part of me feels like the reason why I fell for you from the beginning is because we were made for each other. But then I think about what you said to me. And I think about the lies you told me and I think I’m wrong. I don’t know why you didn’t care enough. I don’t know why you didn’t love me. I don’t think we can ever really know? I don’t know. I just don’t understand why I can you love you so much and you can feel nothing. I miss you.

Hi, I’m so mad at you. You haven’t called me. You haven’t texted me. How can you treat me like this? How can I mean so little to you? I want to send these messages so badly. I want to see you. I want you to want to see me. Why don’t you want to see me? Why don’t you want to talk to me? Did I mean so little to you? How could I mean so little to you? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.

Hi, I thought about you today. I wondered if you hated me because I made you hate yourself because of what you did to Pierce. We all make mistakes. Neither one of us was in the right. I wish you would call me. I miss you. This feels like it’s someone else’s life. I can barely go ten minutes without thinking of you and trying to call you. Why won’t you contact me? Please.

Hi, I haven’t sent any of these messages and I’m not going to send them. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying not to cry every morning and every night. I’m trying to get over it and you. I joined a dating app. I hate it. I hate making small talk, but I know I need to get out there. I need to meet a guy. I need to meet someone that will get my mind off of you. It’s not like we had anything, but it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like we will definitely never be together if I start dating, but then I think about what you said. You want me to date. You want to date. You don’t care. And if you don’t care, why should I?

Hi, it’s been three weeks and still no word from you. I can’t believe that I ever thought you were the one. I can’t believe that I thought that I loved you. Obviously this isn’t true love. This is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I’m done. I’m over you. I miss you. And you will never know. You’ll never know because you don’t care.

Hi Evan,

I wanted to see how you’re doing. I wrote you a bunch of messages, but I didn’t send them. I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to reach out and say that there are no hard feelings. I just wanted to be honest about where I was coming from. You really hurt me. You made me feel like we had something special and ultimately, I ended up feeling used and like you didn’t care. I know we weren’t in a relationship, but still I felt like you could have been more respectful of my feelings. I put a lot into my time with you and I just felt like you didn’t care. I just needed to get this out. I needed to let you know. I’m sorry if I acted crazy. I’m sorry if you felt like I invaded your privacy the day I glanced at your phone. I didn’t mean to do that. I just looked down and saw it. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry it came to this. And I’m kind of upset that I had to be the one to reach out. I really thought I would have heard from you by now. You really hurt my feelings and I’m not sure how you could do that and be okay with that. But I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I just wanted to be honest.

Jess

I hit send and immediately regretted it. It had been a month of no contact and I hated that I was the weak one. Hated that I couldn’t just move on. Hated that I’d sent an email that made me look pitiful. Hated that he would know how much I cared. I hated it, yet, I was still hopeful. I was hopeful that he’d respond. I was hopeful that he’d apologize. Feel bad. Something.

After two days of no response. All hope left me once again and I deleted his number from my phone and tried not to jump every time a message came through.

E
van

T
here’s
something I wish she would understand. I wish she would understand that I never meant to hurt her. I never intended for her to fall for me. I never intended for her to fall in love with me. I never wanted that. I didn’t see myself in a relationship. I didn’t see myself in a relationship with her, especially. Not with how our relationship had started. I hadn’t counted on her falling for my wit and charm as deeply as she had. No other woman had been able to put up with me and all of my quirks before; not that I had cared. I was stuck in my ways. That was why Pierce and I had been so immature for so long. I was a pompous arrogant jerk. That’s what most women said about me, and they weren’t wrong. I didn’t care that I came across that way. I didn’t generally care if women became too invested, but this was different. She was different. I didn’t want to hurt her. I hadn’t wanted to break her heart. I didn’t want her to become invested in me at all. I wished she would understand that. I wished she would realize that though this started as a game to me, I didn’t think of it as a game. It had just all gotten out of hand. And feelings were hurt. I almost wish I could go back to the beginning. If I could go back, there were many, many things I would change. Many things I’d try to make right. Many things I’d do differently. But hindsight is fifty-fifty and life never seems to go according to plan.

I knew I had screwed up royally when Jess kicked me out of her apartment that day. I had deliberately been flirting and texting with other women in front of her. I had wanted her to confront me. I had wanted her to get rid of me. I’d known that would be the easiest thing. The best way to extricate myself from the situation without having to tell her the truth. I wasn’t sure why I’d thought that would be the best way. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t just told her about the lies. I guess I’d been too scared. Scared of her reaction and then scared of what would happen next. I wasn’t really sure what I’d wanted to happen between us.

I tried to call Jess exactly once and she hadn’t picked up the phone, so I knew she was really upset. So I’d decided to wait for her to text me or email me. But she hadn’t. She hadn’t called or texted. Being ignored by Jess infuriated me and almost made me go crazy. I wasn’t sure why it affected me so badly. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me. She had expectations that I wasn’t sure I could fulfil. Everything had gotten out of hand and I knew that had been my fault. I had given her the talk that I normally gave women when I thought they were falling for me. I would let them know I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I never wanted to find myself confined to a relationship or another person. I didn’t need that intimacy or bond to exist. Didn’t need it. Didn’t crave it. And certainly didn’t want it. I didn’t want anyone relying on me for emotional stability or support. I knew I wasn’t able to give a woman the attention she would want. It had never worked in the past and I knew it was unlikely to work in the future. No part of me had changed that much and no part of me wanted to change. It was just how it was. Granted I’d never met anyone like Jess before. Never had someone made me feel truly guilty and worried about their feelings and if they were mad at me. I knew she was something special, someone special, but I didn’t know exactly what that meant in a situation like this. What could I have said to her that wouldn’t seem like a false promise or too much hope? I wasn’t really sure. I wanted her to know I cared for her. I really and truly did, but I hadn’t known if I had any deeper feelings for her and I hadn’t known if I wanted to have deeper feelings, either. She wasn’t the sort of woman I would have chosen for myself. I certainly didn’t want to fall into her spell. I didn’t want to fall in love. Love was a foolish man’s game. And I was no fool. I didn’t love her and I didn’t want her to fall in love with me, either. I felt like I had no real solutions to the quandary I was in. I was annoyed that she was ignoring me. I missed her. I wanted to know what she was doing, but I didn’t want to reach out because I didn’t want her to see that as an indication that I was willing to give her more than I could. It pained my physically to think that I was hurting her, that in some way, her heart ached due to what I’d done to her, but it scared me more to think about having to commit to her. Having to spend the rest of my life with her, trying to make her happy. It made me want to throw up. It was something I couldn’t do. I couldn’t be that man in her life. I wasn’t the guy to give her the happily ever after. I wasn’t the guy to give her promises of sunsets and rainbows and black stallions riding off down the beach. And I didn’t want her to think that I could be that guy for her. I didn’t want her to think that I could be her Mr. Right. I was definitely not a Mr. Right. I was a Mr. Wrong. Wrong for her. Wrong for a lifetime. Wrong for many reasons. I didn’t want her like that. And yet…yet sometimes I couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even muster up the energy to watch TV or read a book because my mind was focused on her and what she’s been doing and what she’s thinking and where she’s been. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by thoughts of her that it scares me. It scares me that I care so much. It scares me that I think about her so often. I honestly don’t understand why. I don’t know why she’s in my head. Sometimes I feel like she’s bewitched me. I know my best bet is to find another woman, bed another, maybe multiple others, and have them take over that spot in my mind. I know that most women knew the score. And I also knew that most women didn’t affect me like this. I didn’t like not being in control. I didn’t like feeling like my head was going to places that I didn’t want it to go to. I didn’t like going to bed thinking of her and waking up thinking of her and dreaming of her. I didn’t want her in my life like that. I didn’t want anyone in my life like that. I was too old, too jaded, too comfortable in my own inertia to have someone that deeply in my life. I didn’t want anyone in my life who was going to consume me. I didn’t want anyone in my life who was going to make me forget where I ended and they began. Love was a young man's game. And it wasn’t for me. I knew that it was best for me to just let Jess go. I knew that I could go on and she could go on and we’d both survive. She’d probably find true love, a guy who would love her and adore her and she’d forget me. And that stung. It stung hard. It made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Worse still, it made me feel like I didn’t want to breathe. Like I didn’t want to go on. And there was nothing worse than that. I didn’t even like to think of her with someone else. Didn’t like to think of her smiling, or touching another man. It made me want to kill something or someone. I knew that wasn’t a good sign. I knew that that likely meant I was already in deeper than I thought and would have hoped, but that was why I was staying away. As long as I didn’t fall any deeper. It had started off so lighthearted and fun. We had both known the score. This was never meant to be anything, but some kinky fun. Even though our attraction had been immediate, it hadn’t been anything serious or achingly deep.

I had wanted Jess to stop ignoring me. Until I’d gotten her message. Her message reeked of her hurt and pain and it hurt me every time I read it. And I’d read it at least twenty times now. Not that I’d responded yet. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to respond. I just wanted to talk to her. See her. Touch her. I just wanted to be with her on my terms, but I knew she wasn’t really interested in that. I knew she’d been ignoring me because she was upset with me. I knew the only way to stop her from being upset was to utter some sort of declaration of love or commitment that I didn’t really want to express at this time, or ever. I didn’t want to lead her on. Even though my heart ached for her. Even though a part of me wanted to tell her that I wanted to reach up and pull down every star for her. That I wanted to name every flower after her. That I wanted to sing songs and play riffs and dedicate poems to her. I wanted to tell her that she was always in my thoughts, even when I didn’t want her to be. Even when I was trying hard to think of something or someone else. She was always there, in the back of my mind. She was everything to me, yet she was nothing. She had to be nothing. If she became more, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I wasn’t sure how I’d function if I became totally consumed by and with her. I didn’t want her to be in my thoughts all of the time. I wanted to regain control. I didn’t want her to consume every aspect of my life. I couldn’t afford to be heartbroken and incomplete. Not again. I couldn’t risk being broken because I wasn’t sure I’d ever get over the pain of losing someone like her once I’d completely possessed her. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be able to live if she was no longer in my life in some way.

I was scared in a way that I’d never been before. I didn’t want to respond to her. I didn’t want to tell her the truth. Yet, I knew that I had to. I couldn’t leave everything like this. I couldn’t leave her in this pain. I had to be honest with her. Even if that meant she was going to hate me even more. I just needed to see her one more time. I wasn’t sure if I was making a mistake, but I had to reach out to her. I knew I had to do it.

Dear Jess,

I think we should meet up and talk in person, if you’re up for it. I hope you’ve been well. I’ve been thinking of you. Let me know if you’re free this weekend. I can be available at any time of the day on either Saturday or Sunday.

Evan

I pressed send and waited, hoping that she would respond and would want to see me soon. Though, I had no idea what I was going to say. Absolutely no idea at all.