Must Love Dogs: New Leash on Life (18 page)

Chapter

Twenty-four

It's not easy to find a restaurant on Hilton Head Island, even with GPS on your phone, because everything is tastefully designed to disappear into the extreme landscaping.

"
Let's just stop at the first place that looks promising," I said. "I don't want to drive around all night."

"
I want a margarita," Carol said. "I haven't had a margarita since before my last pregnancy."

"
Over there," Michael yelled. "It says Mexican Grill."

Once we finally found the restaurant tucked behind the shru
bbery, we all ordered Gringo Burritos because we liked the name.

"
And I'll have a margarita," Carol said.

"
We don't serve alcohol," the woman behind the counter said. "But you can go next door and ask them to put your drink in a carry-out cup while you're waiting for your burritos."

Next door turned out to be a Thai restaurant at the far end of the same storefront row.
"It's like a new fusion dining experience," I said as we carried our drinks back to the other restaurant. "Southern-slash-Mexican-slash-Thai."

Carol stopped for a sip.
"Ohmigod. This is the best thing I've ever tasted."

We found an empty table off in the corner. I didn
't even really like margaritas but I'd ordered one anyway, since it seemed easier than trying to figure out what I actually did want. Michael and our dad were drinking Dogfish Head beer straight from the bottles. When our burritos arrived, we chowed down in silence, watching the tourists in their golf shirts and shorts and flip-flops.

I wiggled my toes in my own flip-flops and took a long sip of margarita. Maybe it was what I
'd wanted after all. "I have to walk the beach," I said. "Don't let me fall asleep again until I walk the beach."

Michael washed down a bite of burrito with a slug of beer.
"And don't let me fall asleep until I get a plan. I need a plan. "

"
Don't let me call home," Carol said. "The minute I call, they'll turn their brains off and I'll have to do all the thinking. They're fine. It hasn't even been twenty-four hours."

"
I wonder what Sugar Butt is doing now," our father said.

At first I thought Kevin was yelling at me in a dream. I hadn
't dreamed about my former husband in a long time, and it didn't seem to be a good sign that he was invading my sleep again. He sounded different now. He was louder and more aggressive. I was glad he hadn't been like that when we were still together. Back then, we usually just stopped speaking to each other when we were angry. Or we'd huff and puff and slam doors a little harder than was absolutely necessary. Actually, I'd huff and puff and slam, and he'd be so stiffly polite I wanted to kill him.

"
I don't know what the hell I came here for anyway," he yelled.

"
Unbelievable," Carol said.

"
What are
you
doing here?" I said. The only thing worse than fighting with Kevin was having my family hear me fighting with Kevin.

Carol sat up in bed.
"What do you mean, what am I doing here? What is that idiot doing in this hotel? He should be locked up somewhere."

"
Huh?" I pushed my weary body into a sitting position.

"
Don't you dare tell me to keep it down," the same voice yelled. "Just because you care what people think doesn't mean I give a shit."

"
Don't tell me what I give a shit about," a woman's voice yelled.

"
It must be that couple we saw checking in," I whispered, as if that wasn't completely obvious. "I didn't think they looked very happy."

"
Don't you tell me shit about anything," the male voice yelled.

"
Don't talk your shit to me," the female voice said.

"
Shit," I said. "We're never going to get any sleep."

Carol was already calling the front desk.

"So," Carol said after she hung up. "What do you want to talk about while we wait for security to shut them up?"

"
I don't know," I said. "What do
you
want to talk about?"

Carol yawned.
"What's new with Jack?"

I yawned back.
"His name is John. And we broke up."

"
For real? Or just until you kiss and make up again?"

"
For real."

"
How come?"

"
Don't tell anyone," I whispered. "But he wanted me to eat out of his dog's dish."

Carol started to laugh.

"It's not funny," I said.

She laughed harder.

"Fine. I'm officially not speaking to you."

"
That's it," Carol said. "I can't take it anymore."

"
That's it," the woman in the next room yelled. "I can't take it anymore."

"
That would have been funny," I said, "if we'd slept for more than an hour and a half."

Carol turned on her bedside light and stomped across the room to the desk. She pulled a wad of tissue out of her telephone ear and picked up the phone.
"It's me again. This is my third call, and if you can't get the people next door to shut up, I will expect a voucher for an all-inclusive vacation for four. And if my aging father has any adverse health repercussions from his extreme sleep-deprivation, I'll have to insist that you pay his medical bills as well, in accordance with the local noise ordinance."

I pushed myself up to a sitting position.
"Wow, you're good. How did you know about the local noise ordinance?"

"
I just made it up. Listen, help me drag this mattress into Dad and Michael's room. If I wanted to be sleep-deprived, I could have stayed home."

It
's not as easy as you might think to drag a hefty hotel mattress off a bed. We'd only moved it a foot or two when Michael knocked twice and poked his head into our room. He was rubbing his eyes. Clumps of wadded toilet paper stuck out of each ear.

"
Oh, no," I said. "You can hear them all the way over in your room?"

He pulled the paper out of his ears.
"Who?"

"
If I walk out that door, that's it," the man next door yelled. "You'll never see me again."

"
Oh, walk," Carol said. "Please walk."

Michael shook his head.
"I can't hear a damn thing in our room over Dad's snoring. I think we need to get him checked out for sleep apnea when we get home. Either that or buy him a muzzle."

"
Go," the woman next door yelled. "But don't think for one goddamn minute you're taking the car. I'll throw the keys off the goddamn balcony before I let you take the goddamn car."

"
Wow," Michael said. "Have you called security?"

"
Now why didn't we think of that," Carol said.

We heard three loud knocks out in the hallway, followed by
"Security."

"
Not that we'll be here long enough to reap the benefits," Carol said, "but I hope some of the renovations around here involve sound-proofing."

"
Hurry." I gave Carol's mattress a shove back toward its original position. "We've only got twenty minutes to sleep."

"
Can you guys help me bring my mattress in here?" Michael said. "I can't take that snoring anymore."

Michael was all settled in and I was just dozing off when som
ething hit the other side of the wall with a loud thump.

"
What was
that
?" I said.

"
It sounded like a shoe," Carol said.

"
It might be a good sign," I said. "Maybe they're packing."

We heard another thump, this one
wall-shaking.

"
Yup," Michael said from his mattress on the floor. "There's the suitcase."

We started to laugh. And then we started to laugh louder, like three little kids in the dark, that full throttle kind of laughter that hurts your stomach and doesn
't happen often enough once you're a grown-up.

"
Stop it," Carol said. "After four pregnancies, I can only laugh a little or I pee my pants."

"
Too much information," Michael said. We all started laughing harder.

"
Shut the fuck up," the guy next door yelled.

"
Ohmigod," I said. "Is he talking to us?"

"
Don't tell them to shut the fuck up," the woman yelled. "You shut the fuck up."

"
Language," Michael said.

"
Shut the puck up with a capital F," I said.

"
Eh," Carol said. "Doesn't have quite the right ring to it."

"
It might if you're a hockey player," I said.

It wasn
't really funny, but we started laughing again anyway, perhaps a little too loudly.

Another shoe hit the wall.

Carol sat up and turned her light on. I shaded my eyes while she walked across Michael's mattress and over to the phone. "It's me again. This is my fourth call and if you don't kick those people out of your hotel immediately, you're going to have to move my family and me to new rooms
and
give us a voucher for a return trip, complete with meals, should we ever be crazy enough to decide to come back. Okay. Okay. Thank you."

She slammed the phone down.
"Done. Sarah, go leave a note on the other side of the door telling Dad not to wake us because we're sleeping in."

Michael sat up.
"I can't sleep."

Carol sighed, long and loud.
"Fine. How about this: Sarah and I will help you get a plan while we're waiting for the people next door to get kicked out, and then we can all sleep in."

"
Yeah, okay," Michael said. "I was thinking that one of you could call Phoebe and tell her you just happen to be in Savannah and would love to meet her for lunch, and then I could be waiting—"

"
Genius," I said. "That'll put her in a receptive mood."

Michael yawned.
"Okay, hotshot. You come up with something better."

"
Have flowers delivered to her," I said, "along with a beautiful note that says you're in Savannah and you'd like to meet her alone for lunch to try to get things right. Because whatever happens, for the rest of your lives you'll always be the parents of two beautiful girls that you both love very much, and you only want what's best for them."

"
Whoa," Carol said. "Somebody write that down before we forget it."

"
Thanks," I said.