My Best Friend's Bucket List: Volume One (2 page)

“
It's nice to meet you
both.” Lorrie said, her eyes piercing me, they made me ill in a
good way. “Excuse me, but I have to get back to trying to change
the flat on our car.”

“
OK.” Dick said, but there
was something behind his eyes, he bee-lined it to the beef jerky. I
rushed after him.

“
Dude, that chick is
fucking hot.” I said.

“
Yeah, she is.” Dick said,
his eyes on dried meat, “She's totally into me.”

I felt even more sick now and threatened
even.

“
Yeah, what makes you
think that?” I asked.

“
It's obvious, man.” And
it really was. It still made me furious.

“
Yeah, well she's too
skinny for you.”

“
I know.” He said, still
not looking up.

“
So, I'm going to go help
her change that tire. Then she will see that I'm the man for
her.”

“
You sure your head is
OK?” Dick finally looked up at me. “You have a pretty big shiner on
your forehead. You'll definitely look like the elephant man
tomorrow.” He turned back to the jerky. He was in full snack mode.
The guy could pack away junk food like a depraved teenager, he
never gained a pound.

“
I'm fine,
Dick.”
I said, feeling
irritable as ever.

“
Where the hell did the
hostility come from?” It was still kinda funny to me that after all
these years he could tell when I was saying his name or actually
calling him a penis.

“
I'm good. You're just
being paranoid.” I played it off.

“
OK.” Dick said
nonchalantly. He was trying to smell the jerky through its plastic
confines.

Outside I found Lorrie staring at a jack and
the flat tire. She looked perplexed as all hell.

“
Hey, I figured you could
use a hand, you know, to help.” My sentences were off, being around
her alone made me scared, like a fucking kitten.

“
Sure, eh, you know how
to-”

“
Oh, yeah, I done it many
times.” I said obviously nervous. She smiled and it made everything
fine. I changed the tire, she watched, impressed. It didn't take
long. When I was done I put the jack back in her trunk. She smiled
big and googly eyed at me. My soul melted. I could live off of her
smile.

“
Hey. What'd I miss?” Came
the voice of Dick. He was chomping on jerky, still looking handsome
as fuck, chewing with a Academy Award Winning grin.

“
I just changed her tire.”
I said proudly. But when I looked at Lorrie her stare was burnt on
Dick's body and his grin.

“
Good job, man.” He said
to me.

“
I'm sure you could've
have done it too.” Lorrie said, blushing again.

“
Not likely, he doesn't
have the upper body strength.” I added.

“
It's true.” Dick
confirmed, sucking down a bottle of Mountain Dew, before tearing
open a large bag of Peanut M&M's.

“
You look like you could
handle any task.” Lorrie said. I was getting fed up.

“
You think your mom will
let me wash up.” I asked Lorrie.

“
Huh?” She looked at me,
her concentration broken. “Yeah sure, Chuck.”

“
It's Tuck.” She didn't
hear me. She was engaged in conversation with Dick. I looked at the
two, they seemed made for each other. It wasn't fair. I sighed
loudly, looked at an imaginary watch. They didn't take the
bait.

I went in the store, explained why the wash
up was necessary, Sloppy Deb was nice about it. She showed me to
the restroom. Inside the small one seater, I stared at the
mirror.

My shoulders were bulky, my biceps mighty,
triceps protruding. Even my chest was coming in nicely. It just
didn't make sense. Then I saw the reflection of my forehead, it
looked like shit. Like I had gone twelve rounds with Rocky.

I wanted to be at home on
my bed(on Dick's couch)listening to
The
Cure
or
Death
Cab.
I wanted 13 beers. The urge to shake
Lorrie Lovitt out of her lust was pulsating in every muscle. I
shook my head, washed up.

Outside. Lorrie leaned on her car, Dick had
his mouth on hers. They were in full embrace, tongues deep in each
others mouths. I didn't want them to notice me as I crept to the
side of the building to puke my fucking guts out. It was a success.
But it did little to rest the dark cloud that had formed in my
soul.

I guess they heard me. Dick was at my side
when I finished. Lorrie stood next to him.

“
Dude, you alright?” He
asked.

“
Yeh. I just gotta get
outta here, get home and rest.” I said. Staggering slightly as I
stood straight.

“
Oh my god, do you, like,
want some Pepto or Seven-up? My mom won't charge you.” Lorrie said,
sympathy in her soft voice. I ignored the offer.

I stumbled to the Zephyr, realizing I
suddenly felt really dizzy, the world went black before I could get
to the drivers side door. The last thing I remembered, hitting the
asphalt cheek first, it didn't hurt. I welcomed the cold hard
pavement.

“
TUCK!” I heard Dick
shout.

“
OH MY GOD!” Shouted
Lorrie, “MOM, call the ambulance!”

Then everything was silent as I fell into
darkness.

CHAPTER 2

I Was Technically NOT In A
Coma

(Dick disappears, I claim
to have a black belt)

I am sleeping in her bed. Last night I
solved the case of the dead twin prostitute. The big sister claimed
she watched a movie the night her sister was murdered. But
masturbated to a woman on screen. She watched pornography. The
perpetrator snuck in through the window unnoticed, crept upstairs,
slit the throat of her twin, while down stairs she ejaculated all
over the pleather couch.

I traced the knife left at the scene to
Barney's Fine Cutlery. A cutlery store owned by the dead twin's
ex-lover Barney Hiller. The knife used in the killing wasn't even
on shelves yet. Meaning only one person had access to such a
weapon, Barney. He killed the twin because she left him and went
back to the life of prostitution.

I awake in the living twins bed, her name is
Lorrie, she has beautiful chestnut eyes.

“You really are the best
private dick in town, thank you for solving the case.”

“No, thank you for solving
my dick, you got a mouth like a vacuum cleaner, doll face.” And
it's true, she is so untouched and fresh. Like a porcelain
doll.

“Why don't you rest. Lie
back down and close your eyes. I'll make us some tea and toast with
jam.”

I lie back, close my eyes. What an easy
case. Cut and dry. No other possibilities. Of course
unless...Wait...No that would be absurd. Unless for some reason the
living twin went to Barney's under the guise of her sister, slept
with him or used her vacuum cleaner skills, lifted the knife, came
home and slit her sisters throat.

Nah, she wouldn't do that.

A cool blade rests on my throat. I open my
eyes to see two fiery chestnuts meet my gaze.

“You didn't figure it out
until now, did you?”

“Uh uh.”

“Now it seem it's too late,
huh?”

“Uh huh.”

“Take a small sip so you
don't choke, Tom! TOM!” The living twin said, her voice concerned,
her facial expressions grief stricken.

“What's going on?” Came the
strong male voice. But only the living twin and I are in the black
and white colored room. WAIT A MINUTE. WHY THE HELL IS THE WORLD
BLACK AND WHITE?

Everything goes dark. I hear voices in a far
away place.

“He said he wanted a drink,
then something about knives and female ejaculation.”

“He has a crazy
imagination.”

“Tom,” Came the soft voice,
“Drink some water.”

“It's not Tom, It's Tuck.”
The male voice said and laughed lightly.

“The last name throws me
off, you know, Tom Sawyer.”

TOM SAWYER? TUCK SAWYER! THAT'S ME!

My eyes shot open, Lorrie Lovitt and my best
friend Dick Pickett stood over me. Lorrie and her chestnut brown
eyes flickered in the gloom of the hospital room.

“Fuck.” I said and tried
to sit up. I blushed a deep red, realizing I wasn't wearing
underwear or any clothing outside of a paper thin gown.

“Don't get up dude, you
have a concussion.” Dick said. He placed a light restraining hand
on my shoulder.

“I have work. What time is
it?” I asked noticing that Dick and Lorrie looked very sleep
deprived. The thick curtains of the room hid any conditions
outside.

“It's about 1:30.” Lorrie
said.

“That doesn't make sense,
I picked Dick up at around 3am. How could it be 1:30am?” I was
going insane and backwards in time.

“It's not, man, it's
1:34pm. I already called your work and told them you were in the
hospital, you're covered.”

“Thanks, man.” I felt a
warm tinge for my best friend, he had my back and was taking care
of me. I had been an asshole about the whole Lorrie situation. So
what? The two were in love. Dick deserved to be happy. My own
feelings were not important.

“Do you think you can go
get the thing I got for Tuck out of the car?” He said to
Lorrie.

“Of course.” She said,
taking the keys from him, kissing him on the cheek, then leaving.
Dick looked at me with concern.

“I'm gonna be fine, man.”
I said.

“I know. But I don't know
about me. This thing with Lorrie, I don't know about
it.”

“What the hell do you
mean,
don't know about
it
? You two are the perfect specimen.” I
said and meant it but still somehow tasted acid.

“You know how I feel about
certain body types and we...well, we tried IT.” Dick said. My head
still hurt, I was trying to fathom what he meant.

“You tried
what?”

“You know, to, like, DO
IT. And I had some problems.”

“I WAS IN A COMA AND YOU
GUYS WERE TRYING TO FUCK?!” I couldn't believe it. The nerve of
those two.

“You weren't in a coma,
dude. Don't be all dramatic, you were just unconscious and the
doctor wouldn't let us see you, so we found a store room
and-”

“WHOA. Okay, I get it.
What was the problem?”

“Her body. It's just so
small and you can feel bones and muscle. It's weird. I'm not used
to it. I tried to focus on fleshy parts, but it wasn't
helping.”

“What excuse did you use?”
I asked.

“The fact that my best
friend is in the hospital and that we were in a hospital store
room. Maybe I can get it up at some point, but I might have to tell
her the truth, that I'm not physically attracted to
her.”

There was a slight THUMP sound from behind
Dick. The sound was Lorrie Lovitt dropping a paper bag. She had
heard the last part of his confession. Tears streamed down her
cheeks and plastic bottles of Limited Edition Mountain Dew Pitch
Black spilled out of the bag, rolling around in different
directions, everything was still accept for those bottles, they
seemed on a mission to all go separate directions.

“Is that true?” Was all
she could say, her mouth quivering, her hands shaking. Her pale
face turning beet red at an alarming rate.

“Yeah, kinda.” Dick said.
His face unreadable. Lorrie bolted down the hall away from the
doorway.

“Shit.” Dick muttered
under his breath.

“Hey, Auntie-fucker, hand
me bottle of Dew and fucking go after her, would ya?” I
said.

I was watching
Law and Order: SVU
. I
watched it and got slightly involved. Then realized that even
though I loved
Law and Order: SVU
and
Fairly Odd
Parents
. I chose
Fairly Odd Parents
to be the most
pleasant. I tried to down the bottle of Mountain Dew Pitch Black
before any of the staff noticed, a couple nurses had peeked in and
I managed to shield the bottle with the bed sheet.

I clicked the giant 80's
looking remote, conveniently attached to an even more 80's looking
cord, I stopped on
Mad
Men
. Realizing it was a repeat from season
2, still unable to change it, chugging the remainder of the Dew
Black. Someone cleared their throat loudly and suggestively. It was
a not-so-happy looking nurse. Her brows furrowed, arms
crossed.

“Just what do you think
you doin'?” She said.

“What you don't
like
Mad Men
?
Seriously? It's TV's most watched drama that's not on
TNT
.” I smiled at the
sarcastic joke the nurse apparently didn't get.

“You got a concussion, you
can't be drinkin' pop. 'Specially Mountain Dew Pitch Black. That
ain't gonna do you no good.”

“You want one?” I offered
attempting some type of peace offering.

“I'm tellin' the doctor.”
She said shuffling off.

I sat up in bed. Retrieved my clothes from a
clear hospital bag hanging from a hook, I assumed was for hanging
bags. I dressed quickly. It felt good to have underwear on. I
cracked another Dew Black and quickly laced my Chuck's(Converse
All-Stars some of you may call them).