My Best Friend's Bucket List: Volume One (6 page)

Awesome.

Slender hands lightly took the glass from
me. The hand I was about to chop off belonged to Lorrie Lovitt. She
scowled at me like a concerned parent. I hated her in that
moment.

“
You should eat. No
drinking or sulking today.” She said. I laughed out loud, hard. The
idea that this chick was going to control my booze intake was as
hilarious as bringing a Swiss Army Knife to a machete
fight.

“
I don't think so.” I said
coldly, taking my drink back and downing it.

“
Dick told me about your
situation with that girl, Cynthia, and you need to get over that.
You shouldn't have even slept with her, she sounds like a mess, and
most women can't be trusted. They are just waiting to put a knife
on your back.” Lorrie said, her arms crossed.

I looked at Dick, he cringed.

“
Sorry, dude. I just
started talking and I couldn't stop. Well, that and Lorrie wanted
all the facts. She's a hell of an interrogator.”

“
This shit ain't your
guys' business. It's over anyway. So I'm going to drink this here
bottle and try to find some Kardashian reruns in hopes that it's a
bikini episode.” I turned back toward my bed. “Don't stick a knife
in
me
Miss
Lovitt.” I added, colder than a Popsicle in Antarctica.

Lorrie grabbed me by the shoulders and spun
me around, her finger in my face.

“
Oh no you're not. It is a
perfectly awesome Autumn day outside and you're going to the
pumpkin patch with Dick and I.” Lorrie said to me.

“
No I'm not.” I said to
her.

“
We're going to a pumpkin
patch?” Dick asked.

“
Yes you are coming with
us. I would never stick a knife in your back, Tucker Sawyer, you
are my best friend.” Lorrie said to me, conviction in her
eyes.

“
Not a chance.” I said and
took a swig off the bottle of Jim.

“
Are we really going to a
pumpkin patch?” Dick said with through a mouth full of
pancake.

“
You are, but I am not.” I
said with finality. Lorrie Lovitt's chestnut eyes burned with
anger.

“
We'll see about that.”
Was all Lorrie said.

I never understood why they put pumpkin
patches in places like, say, between the mall and a used car lot.
It kills the vibe of hay and pumpkins. When you can smell motor oil
and exhaust over moist hay and fresh pumpkin, it's no trip to the
Midwest.

Somehow I had gotten into Lorrie Lovitt's
Dodge Dart and ended up at the pumpkin patch. The girl worked in
mysterious ways.

The chilly wind blew away car exhaust, the
smell of hay and pumpkin hit me like a bucket of water. It was
intoxicating. I smiled up at the dark clouds that fought the sun.
The sun managing to peek his head out every now and again causing
warmth on chilled skin.

It was then that I realized how Lorrie
managed to get me out of the apartment. Everything became suddenly
clear. I sat on a bale of hay. My ass was freezing but couldn't
feel it. I had a jack 'o lantern painted on my face. For the first
time I noticed the paper cylinder of cotton candy in my hand.

I was fucking drunk.

Lorrie Lovitt had let me drink myself to the
point of face paint and cotton candy! What the fuck was cotton
candy and face paint doing at a pumpkin patch?! I needed
answers.

Lorrie and Dick stood on the opposite side
of a chicken wire pen. Lorrie fed a goat pellets and caressed its
smelly goat head. Dick watched, amused like child at a Pixar film.
Now the question was: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PETTING ZOO DOING AT A
PUMPKIN PATCH?!

I withheld the question due to the fact that
there were uber amounts of children around me. The little ankle
biters were enjoying the malnourished animals same as Lorrie. The
anger in me ceased when I saw a little ducky walking around the
petting zoo. He was clearly out of his element.

I smiled drunkenly thinking how awesome
would it be to get that little guy drunk and party with him? He
probably has all kinds of crazy stories. The drunkenness shielded
the fact that ducks do not talk. In my mind I figured if he was
drunk enough he would just start rambling.

I reached over into the pen to pick up the
little guy. Dick was instantly at my side.

“
Dude, I don't think
you're allowed to pick up the petting animals. I think you can only
pet them.” He said.

“
Well, DUDE, I just happen
to know that with enough liquor that guy will sing like a canary.
Then we will know where the treasure is buried. Duh!” I laughed to
myself, Dick could be so naive sometimes.

“
You ain't giving my
duckling alcohol, so don't even think about it.” Said a voice with
an accent. I turned to see a fit and strong looking blonde girl,
maybe 22 or 23, long thick curls, no make-up, but she didn't need
it. Tight jeans and an even tighter button down plaid western
shirt. She wore brown cowgirl boots.

“
Ma'am, it's okay, I got
this under control.” Dick said with his charm.

“
I ain't talking to you,
bean pole.” The blonde said. I nearly keeled over in laughter. “I'm
talking to the big guy with the pumpkin face. Ain't you too old to
be getting your face painted?”

“
Ain't you too sexy to be
owning a ducky that knows too much?” I said, trying to sound
somewhat sober. The blonde laughed, she tried not to at first, her
mouth was full of the whitest straightest teeth I had ever
seen.

“
I'm Tuck,” I said.
“Tucker Sawyer.” I put out my hand.

“
I'm Brandy,” She said,
“Brandy Hocks. My family and I own this patch.”

“
I'm Dick,” Dick said,
“Dick Pickett.” He extended his hand, Brandy looked down at it and
laughed.

“
Then go pick your dick
somewhere else, bean pole. Let me get acquainted with your
pal.”

“
Good idea.” Dick said to
Brandy, then he looked at me. “Good luck, dude, she seems like a
real peach.” He went back to Lorrie Lovitt, who seemed suddenly
obsolete in that moment, she fed more pellets to goats.

“
Looks like you need to
sober up, Mr. Sawyer.”

“
Maybe.” I
said.

“
Can I buy you a Hotdog on
a Stick?” Brandy asked.

“
You wanna feel my hotdog
on a stick?” I said, still drunk. Brandy smiled and shook her head
in amusement.

“
You are
so
lucky I find pervs
charming. Come on.” She took my hand and was leading me to the mall
entrance. I waved bye to Dick and motioned that we were headed
toward the mall. When Brandy wasn't looking he did the double
thumbs up.

Lorrie looked confused and ready to approach
and interrogate. Dick stopped her and from where I stood I couldn't
hear them. But Dick was apparently filling her in. Lorrie shook her
head and scowled at me.

I was satisfied knowing that Lorrie had no
control over me. For some reason it really bothered her. And that
was awesome. I did the sarcastic 'bye-bye' wave with only four
fingers. If this wasn't going Iceman on her, I don't know what
would be.

I bit into the second white cheese injected
corn dog. Brandy continued talking about “Back home” and I
partially listened. The mall was crowded with families and church
groups. If you have never had a corn dog that does not contain a
dog but hot melted cheese, then, you have not lived.

I had developed the skills to portray that I
was listening when a girl went on about things that were considered
trivial to myself. As Brandy went on the following conversation
took place.

Brandy: “That's when daddy had to stop
working out in the fields...”

Me: “Terrible.”

Brandy: “Cousin Jerry just up and
died...blah..blah...buried under the lake.

Me: “Horrible.”

Brandy: “Aunt Judith had lent us a couple of
bucks...

Me: “Good times.”

Brandy: “...It didn't cover all the hospital
bills.”

Me: “That's tough.”

When I felt Brandy had hashed out her
reasons for moving to California and depressing story, I finished
my lemonade, looked her in the eyes. They were crystal blue. The
tale had seemed to sadden her.

“
You come to this mall a
lot?” I asked.

“
No. Few times a year
maybe.” Brandy said, unsure of where my question was
headed.

“
There is a uni-sex
bathroom in the northeast corner.” I said, leaning in like it was a
secret.

“
So?” She said, slightly
confused.

“
Join me?”

“
Oh. You mean that. That
line ever work on anybody?” She asked with a strange look on her
face.

“
It's my first time using
it. I just made it up on the spot.”

“
God Damn,” Brandy rolled
her eyes, then, blushed, “It must be your lucky day, Tucker. Lead
the way.”

“
Huh? You're
serious?”

“
You better be, cause now
I'm ready.” Brandy said, she was flushed.

(Not Too Graphic Sex Scene)

(DISCLAIMER: My best friends bucket list
does not condone unsafe sex, nor do we condone listening to Jimmy
Buffet or the Power Rangers.)

In the small bathroom stall I stripped
Brandy down and we caressed each others muscles. Brandy was fit but
not bony or skinny. She filled out damn good. We couldn't keep our
lips off of each other and had excellent kissing chemistry. I took
out my repressed passions on her and she reciprocated. It appeared
that Brandy had also been holding back certain emotions.

Because we were in a bathroom stall there
was no condom present(any teens reading this should know that
unsafe sex is the same as having sex with everyone Jimmy Buffet
ever had sex with, wait, do kids still listen to him or know who he
is? Anyway, teenagers, even though I did something
semi-irresponsible here, you never should. Listen to the Power
Rangers when they preach about safe sex:) Condoms, now that's a
beat we can all dance to) so I had to pull out(not a recommended
method, condoms are less messier).

(End of the not too graphic sex scene)

Me and Brandy walked toward the mall exit.
Back toward the parking lot that hosted her families pumpkin patch.
She was whistling a tune I wasn't familiar with. But she seemed
happy and truth be told so was I.

In the parking lot halfway to the patch.
Brandy slowed her stroll. She looked at me.

“
Hope you don't take
offense, but, I gotta know. Why were you all drunk and crazy out in
public this afternoon when I found you?”

“
It's complicated.” I
said.

“
Try me.”

“
I was falling in love
with a girl and there was problems that kept coming up. That's the
short of it.” I said.

“
What do you mean, you
were?” Brandy asked.

“
I mean I don't know now.
We have had such an amazing time-”

“
Don't go getting love
confused with sexual chemistry. Not the same thing,
honey.”

“
You're right.” I said,
now I felt back to square one. “The girl I'm in love with can't
love me. It's too hard.”

“
Does that got something
to do with your sister? Cause she can't stop burning a hole in the
back of your head.” Brandy said. I turned to see what she referred
to.

Lorrie Lovitt stared at me. Her face serious
and pissed.

“
That's not my sister.
That's my best friends girlfriend.” I said.

“
Oh, sorry. She seems
taken with your private business.

“
She's just protective.” I
said.

“
Anyway, I got your number
and I'll give you a call tomorrow.” Brandy hugged me, smiled, and
kissed me.

“
Alright. Hey, you ever
been to the indoor Swap Meet on a Sunday?” I asked.

“
No, not ever.”

“
Then tomorrow is your
lucky day.” I said.

I approached Lorrie and Dick. Dick was
smiling loud. Lorrie seemed confused. I told Dick about everything.
Lorrie stood and listened. She said nothing. When I told Dick about
the Swap Meet, he smiled, thinking it was perfect. Lorrie piped
up.

“
You just had sex with
that girl in the bathroom?” She said. I didn't like her tone, it
was snobbish.

“
Yeah I did.” I said and
high fived Dick.

“
Now, you say you want to
meet her at the indoor Swap Meet tomorrow?” Lorrie said.

“
That is
correct.”

“
Then we're coming too.”
Lorrie said.

“
What-” I said.

“
What-” Dick
said.

“
We will go along to make
sure you're not making a mistake.” Lorrie said a
matter-a-factly.

We all walked back to Lorrie's Dodge Dart,
got in, and she floored it home.

None of us spoke.

We got home. Ordered pizza
and watched
Transformers 3
on demand. Lorrie seemed not so focused, stealing
glances at me when she could, it was nice for a change. I hoped
that Brandy would follow through on her plans.

Lorrie Lovitt was jealous. Brandy was
awesome. I was in heaven. Dick was along for the ride.

Tomorrow was a Sunday with Lorrie and
Brandy. Nice.

CHAPTER 5