My Big Bottom Blessing (5 page)

Opening up about our most well-kept and secret prayers is a brave thing to do. It's brave because it requires a level of vulnerability that is far from comfortable. The good news is, however, that letting it all out to God is tremendously beneficial for us. When we open up our true self to God, we are walking in faith, and that faith builds upon itself. My mom used to always sing these words to my siblings and me as we went off to sleep: “Believing is the key to heaven, but faith unlocks the door.”

But even more importantly, we've got nothing to lose by giving the real stuff to God. He's well aware of where we are, so to speak. It's just like in the garden when He asked Adam and Eve where they were. It wasn't that God was a loser at hide-and-seek. No, He knew exactly where they were. He just wanted them to know it. And He wants that for us. Honesty is a powerful GPS system. We've got to know where we are before we can determine how to get where we're going.

• Deuteronomy 29:29—The
  secret
  things belong to the L
  ORD
  our God, but those things which are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.
  
• Psalm 44:21—Would not God search this out? For He knows the
  secrets
  of the heart.
  
• Psalm 90:8—You have set our iniquities before You, our
  secret
  sins in the light of Your countenance.
  
• Psalm 91:1—He who dwells in the
  secret
  place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
  
• Ecclesiastes 12:14—For God will bring every work into judgment, including every
  secret
  thing, whether good or evil.
  
• Jeremiah 23:24—“Can anyone hide himself in
  secret
  places, so I shall not see him?” says the L
  ORD
  ; “Do I not fill heaven and earth?” says the L
  ORD
  .
  
• Daniel 2:22—He reveals deep and
  secret
  things; He knows what is in the darkness, and light dwells with Him.
  
• Matthew 6:6—But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the
  secret
  place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.
  
• Mark 4:22—For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept
  secret
  but that it should come to light.
  
• John 7:4—For no one does anything in
  secret
  while he himself seeks to be known openly. If You do these things, show Yourself to the world.
  
• 1 Corinthians 14:25—And thus the
  secrets
  of his heart are revealed; and so, falling down on his face, he will worship God and report that God is truly among you.
  

 

As he vowed he would on our wedding day, Bill has loved me through my many ups and downs—ups and downs on the scale, that is. Not long after our honeymoon, those pounds I had so diligently worked to get off started creeping back on. And they stopped sneaking around once I got pregnant again. This is something I never heard: “Wow, Teasi, you don't even look pregnant until you turn to the side.” No, no, no. When I was pregnant, even my eyebrows looked it.

I gained and lost more pounds than I can count in those first few years of our marriage, and Bill never once looked at me with anything but adoration and joy. I really believe he has a superpower—he sees right through my skin and extra cushion and straight into my heart. (I wish more men had that power, don't you?)

From the onlooker's perspective, it would have appeared I had it all. God had given me an amazing new husband who loved me unconditionally, we were both involved actively at our church (he was even asked to be an elder), our children were healthy and beautiful, and all our needs were more than provided for.

But if you could have seen inside my head…what a different story. The atmosphere there was much more chaotic. Despite all the love I had been given by Bill and by God, my thought-life could have been described best as a battlefield.

Grocery shopping has never really been my thing. However, if a gal wants her children to eat, she must put on her big girl panties, grab a cart, and go for it. And because I personally find it the most challenging section in the place, I always started my shopping trips in the produce department. All the exotic fruits and vegetables—many I could not identify if my life depended on it—would greet me with quite a message:

FRUITS AND VEGGIES
:
Oh,
tsk, tsk.
You mustn't look at us. We are only to be purchased by the skinny and the healthy such as…her (
points to perfectly built woman in a short tennis skirt just grabbing a healthy cart full of produce after a morning match).
See her cart, so full of colorful fiber? She obviously has the superior intellect and good taste it requires to both handle and prepare us befittingly. She would not leave us abandoned in a drawer rotting away to our death. Oh, please! Move along to the bakery!

Pretending to ignore the jeering, I would quickly grab my baggie full of apples, a bunch of bananas, and an onion (the only produce that would be seen with me) before making my escape to the bakery where all my friends were. Nothing to hide from there.

COOKIES AND CAKES
:
(
With embarrassingly loud volume
) Girrrrl! Get your fine self on over. We just popped out of the oven. Don't we smell good? Uh-huh. Take a bite. Take another. You come on back around before you leave, now. Ya hear?

Though my trip through the bakery would provide temporary relief, more perils were waiting around every corner. Land mines of confusion and degradation were scattered here and there, mostly via the voices of the products. (Do groceries talk to you?) Well, I would hear things like, “Buy me! I'm fat free,” or “No, buy me. I'm
not
fat free.” There were products that wanted to jump into my cart and others that turned their faces away at the sight of me.

And of course there were the other shoppers to deal with. Their mouths weren't moving, but boy were they screaming at me.

SKINNY MOM WITH THREE KIDS IN CART
:
Why, yes, I can eat all of this junk food (
pointing to her array of sugary treats and snack items).
I have simply been blessed with a high metabolism. It's the best. (
Throws head back and lets out an evil, eat-your-heart-out chuckle.
)

SKINNY MOM WITH ONE KID IN CART
:
I only buy organics for my family. And I never eat partially hydrogenated oil. Oh, my gosh! Look at all those by-products in your cart. (
Points at my cart with look of horror and hides child's eyes.
) And you wonder why you can't keep weight off?

Okay, okay. So that was bad enough, but the worst was always last. My bruised ego and I would eventually make it through the aisles of the store, but waiting in the checkout lane would be the GGGs:
Grocery Glamour Girls.

I know you've met them before. They are the women who look so kind from a distance—so well dressed and happy, resting comfortably on the cover of every magazine. They wait until you are adequately trapped in the checkout lane (someone in front of you and someone behind who ain't movin' for nothin'), and then they hoist out their assault rifles (with silencer, of course).

GGG #1
:
I just had twins a month ago, and my abs are already smooth and tight. See? Look at them.
I said, “Look at them!”
How long has it been since you had your babies? Oh, that's right…a couple of years. And your abs? (
Sarcastic clap.
)

GGG #2
:
Don't you think your husband would be soooo excited if you looked like me in the bedroom? (
Gently caresses her curves.
) You know that's right. (
Snap, snap, snap.
)

GGG #3
:
Get a clue, lady. I don't understand why you can't take off weight. Everybody knows that a steady diet of water and oxygen is all it takes. You only truly need food every forty days.

The products on the shelves may not talk to you, but I know I'm not alone when it comes to dealing with the GGGs. These gals don't take prisoners. Several studies have been conducted that show a direct relationship between women's (as well as young girls') body dissatisfaction and magazine reading. And what do you think about this? According to statistics released by the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, nearly 11.7 million surgical and nonsurgical cosmetic procedures were performed in the US in 2007, a number that is surely much higher now.
⁴
Do you think that has anything to do with society's readily displayed, unrealistic definition of beauty?

Close relatives of the GGGs, the TGGs (Television Glamour Girls) waged war against me in my own home. Here's how they roll:

TGG #1
:
I just lost forty pounds on the Magical System of Wonders. My life is finally worth living! Results may vary, and watch out for the looming possibility of frequent bowel urges that could make everything else in life JUST A BIT awkward.

TGG #2
:
Thirty pounds ago, my husband was embarrassed to have me on his arm. Now that I've shed those extra pounds with Fat Stalkers, he can't keep his hands off me. I've even seen his friends checking me out! (
Giggles flirtatiously in face of drooling man.
)

Don't let your guard down around these lovely ladies for even one second. The TGGs have enormous influence. Weight loss is a nearly $55 billion a year business, with Americans spending nearly $40 million of that total.
⁵

Those GGGs and TGGs must have had a time-released messaging ability, because any time romance was in the air I could hear them loud and clear. Visions of their perfectly sculpted rear ends clad in patches of fabric held together by slim strings marched right to the forefront of my mind (a reminder of the miracle-working power of yoga). Immediately following would be the vision of my dimpled thighs rubbing together ever so attractively in my grandma-style swimsuit. How sexy can one woman get?

Of course Bill's body hadn't changed a bit since our honeymoon night. Still firm and toned, he would proudly walk around the room torturing me (not intentionally, mind you) with what I didn't feel I deserved. He would climb into bed, where I was safely hidden beneath a layer of covers and my flannel sleep set, and put his arm around me.

“Oh, Bill, please don't touch my fat,” I would say.

“Can't I even hug you?”

Well, okay
, I would think.
You can touch my wrists and my ankles, and I think my shoulder blades are still firm. You can touch me there.

Sounds like the makings of a great love scene, doesn't it?

The torment didn't stay tucked away safely in the privacy of my own home. Getting together with extended family took my anxiety to new heights.

When you think of big family get-togethers you probably imagine a menagerie of people: intoxicated uncles, overly affectionate aunts, cheerful grandmas, and the fat cousin. That last one was me. For both my mom and dad's families, weight was always an important and readily discussed issue. Whoever was thinnest or had lost the most weight recently received quite a bit of positive attention. Though I knew I was loved, I had to battle through feeling like I was a disappointment—the cute face with big bones, the granddaughter who couldn't control her portions, the one who had inherited all the bad genes.

Oh, and it was worse with Bill's family. You see, his family members all look like models. In fact, I'm pretty sure his sisters actually
were
models. Tall, thin, elegantly light eaters…adjectives wanting nothing to do with me.

And, no, the battle in my mind did not take Sundays off. In fact, sometimes it got worse. After spending far too much time trying to find a pair of pants that first of all fit me, and then second, didn't accentuate how big my rear end really was, I would put my focus on the Lord and head off to worship. With my heart set on ignoring my own petty frustrations, I would enter the sanctuary with a determined smile.

Then the supernatural would take place: I would somehow be endowed with extra powerful hearing. I'd catch every conversation dealing with weight.

SISTER-IN-CHRIST #1
:
Oh, my, Gloria. You look amazing! How much weight have you lost? Hey, why don't you sit by me?

SISTER-IN-CHRIST #2
:
Yeah, Jan, I've found that when I pray over my pantry, I simply lose the desire to overeat. It's that simple. Praise God!

SISTER-IN-CHRIST #3
:
And, don't forget…our bodies are the temple of the Living God, and God don't want no rundown temple now, right?

I cringe to think of the countless hurting people who sat all around me, many I might have been able to encourage with a simple hello. But because of my preoccupation with the condition of “my temple,” those opportunities passed by completely ignored.

I'm sure you know personally how difficult the battle can be in the bathroom. There my biggest enemies converged upon me as a team. Reflection and Trainer spent much of their free time sitting on my vanity, where they kept good company with another character—one who wielded immense power over me: the Scale God. First thing every day, I would pay homage to this powerful being through my morning ritual: pee out every drop of liquid I could possibly squeeze from my body, clip my nails, blow my nose, take off all my clothing and jewelry, exhale, and stand before him.

SCALE GOD
:
You may approach.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN
:
Thank you, your majesty.

SCALE GOD
:
What are you here for today?

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN
:
I would like to find out my worth, your majesty.

SCALE GOD
:
All right then, you may step up.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN
:
Thank you, sir. (
Holds breath, sucks in stomach, and steps up as lightly as possible.
)

SCALE GOD
:
I'm afraid you aren't worth anything today. You are up two pounds from yesterday. You may step down. Be gone with you.

I lived for the days when Scale God would tell me I had value. Those were the days when the numbers were down a bit. Trainer would lighten up on me, and my entire outlook on life would change. So would my attitude toward my family and friends. I had a bigger smile for the kids (Bill and I had another two by this time) and a friendlier tone for my husband. Birds and deer would gather around my house in song. Those days were few and far between.

Not seeing the insanity of it all, I continued to bow down to the little white square in my bathroom, seeing it as the key to my contentment and significance. Oh, how I prayed that it would one day display the magic number—a number that would tell me I had arrived. One that would say, “You are now one of the beautiful, the worthy, the victorious.”

My obvious preoccupation with weight led to another obsession in my life: dieting. Any diet you can think of, I've probably tried. Anything the TGGs recommended, I did. I restricted carbs, and I went all carbs. I did liquids, and I did pills. I even did shots (injections, not tequila). Anything promising me that I could melt off the pounds.

And I wasted so much money. I purchased videos, club memberships, mail-delivery food, motivational books, exercise devices of all kinds—you name it. I was desperate for answers and aching for weight-loss victory.