My Big Bottom Blessing (6 page)

I'd do okay for a while, even losing a few pounds here and there. But just as soon as my pants were a bit looser, a friend would talk me into “rewarding” myself. This friend's name is Saboteur, but I call her “Sabby.” She lives next door to Reflection and Trainer, and her advice—although sounding so good at first—usually left me defeated.

SABBY
:
Oh, Teasi, you've had such a stressful day. You really should take the kids for ice cream.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN
:
But, it's not on my diet. And I've been doing so well.

SABBY
:
Girl, you know you can get right back on track tomorrow. Just go this time. You deserve it. Plus no one can live on that diet forever.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN
:
I guess you're right. I can burn it off tomorrow.

Sabby's advice always killed my efforts. The guilt of having blown it just once ignited a full surrender to indulgence. Within days all was lost of my efforts, and the pounds would come back with friends.

With every failed diet I became more certain that there was something inherently wrong with me. I wondered if there was some sin my ancestors had committed long before that left me cursed. I felt like a fool to my friends and family because I could never seem to follow through on my grand diet plans. And Trainer let me have it just about every night before I fell asleep.

TRAINER
:
Okay, Teasi, this is ridiculous. You were doing it for three days and then you totally blew it. Your pants are even tighter on you now than they were before.

FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN
:
I know. I'm so sorry. I'll do better tomorrow. In fact, I'm not eating at all until I've lost thirty pounds.

This nightly ritual was insanity. Every night I would make aggressive plans to do better in the morning.

My failure with weight sent me on many biblical searches. I tried so hard to find the hidden key in Scripture that would solve my problems and set me on the path to high metabolism heaven. All the while I couldn't help but notice the parts that didn't seem to be working for me. Romans 8:37 told me that through Christ I was more than a conqueror. Really? I couldn't even conquer a diet. Philippians 4:13 told me that I could do all things because Christ would give me the strength. Well, where was He when the Oreos came calling? How could the Maker of Heaven and Earth part the waters of the Red Sea, push down the walls of Jericho, and raise the dead, yet not help me win my war on fat?

And then there were verses I just wanted to ignore. Like the verse that told me I should rejoice when others rejoice (Rom. 12:15). Well, I was rejoicing when they failed. I couldn't help but secretly celebrate when someone I knew had put on a few pounds. After all, I didn't want to be the only fatty in town. (Misery loves company.)

There was an obvious disconnect between what the Bible promised (and required) and what I was experiencing, and that created an increasing desperation in me. I loved God and wanted to live a life that was pleasing to Him, but it seemed no matter how much I studied, prayed, served…something was desperately missing.

Dramatically, I poured onto the pages of my journals ridiculous (and pain-filled) plans for how to make my life better.

June 28, 1997

I'm getting ready to go to sleep feeling overweight and defeated again. I am full of the knowledge of how to get my weight off. I know the key to success is giving my pain to God instead of food. I know I will never be skinny, and that's fine. I don't need to be. I do want to be lean—fit. I want to be at a comfortable weight so that it is no longer an issue that keeps me bound in depression or feeling like a failure. I know what size I should be and can be. I want to be there, and I can do it with God's help and my own. I'm weary of the self-defeating cycle. I want off this horrible ride of falling asleep angry at myself and waking up to do what hurts me most: eating too much of the wrong stuff. Lord, Jesus, I need Your strength and mercy. I need Your forgiveness, and most desperately I need to see myself as You see me so that my focus will be healthy and godly. I don't want to be thinner for vain reasons. I want to feel good about my appearance, but mostly I want to be free of this self-mutilating process I'm in. I know I fall short in so many ways, but I come to You begging for mercy and strength.

Doesn't that journal entry make it sound like I was on the right track? Like I simply wanted to be healthy and see myself through God's eyes? I would
never
want to be skinny for
vain
reasons.

Who did I think I was kidding? Years later I was still singing the same song.

 

February 13, 2001

I go to bed most every night regretting the eating choices I've made and feeling angry at myself. Then I make grand plans to do better—plans I don't keep. I'm sick of this insanity, but apparently not enough to change it. I really, really, really want to figure out what the heck keeps me in this horrible, self-defeating, hellish cycle. Why am I doing this? Why? Why? I feel like I'm drowning in the insanity of this. I want to be free.

 

November 16, 2002

Well, here I am again. I want to develop a plan of attack that will help me lose fifteen pounds. I've lost quite a bit, but I need to lose these last few pounds. I need to continue to run five times a week and follow an eating plan correctly 98 percent of the time.

 

May 20, 2003

Okay, I'm up again (on the scale) and wanting to be healthier and lose some weight. My goal is to lose twenty pounds. I think that would be a good weight for me. I need to set realistic goals. I'm not really sure how to eat. I'm confused, but I do know that I love exercise. So, I'm going to say six days a week I need thirty minutes of aerobics. Then I need to make sure I'm drinking enough water.

 

April 12, 2005

Well, there are some things I want to do for myself. I don't really know how to make this time different than the rest of my attempts, but I've got to try. I've gotten myself up to a size 16–18. I'm not really happy at this size. I want to be a 12. I know I will feel much more like myself at that size. I think a plan that will be good for me is to walk five days a week for thirty minutes or more and substitute shakes and snack bars for meals.

I prayed for answers. I confessed every sin I could imagine might be responsible for my fat. I asked people about deliverance ministry, thinking that maybe there was a demon responsible for my misery that needed to be sent packing. Sometimes I went to the other extreme and secretly wished for some demon of thinness to possess me. Even if it meant having dark circles under my eyes and spinning my head in true Linda Blair (of
Exorcist
fame) fashion, at least I would be skinny. (Can you believe how crazy it got?) And I fantasized about a day when some well-meaning friend would look me straight in the eyes and say, “Teasi, you really need to eat.”

Even more ridiculous is the fact that my obsession with fat and failure robbed me of a lot of the good in my life. On family vacations, on dates with Bill, at parties…
everywhere
…I was always aware of my weight, and that awareness kept me from truly living.

It did not matter what I might have been doing right. Someone might say, “Teasi, you are such a great mom.” But I would immediately think to myself, “Yeah, but I'm fat.” Or they'd say, “Thank you so much for your prayers. You are such a great friend.” Again I'd think, “Yeah, but I'm fat.”

My issue with weight was the undercurrent of my whole life.

Whether you think I was crazy or not, I did. And because things never seemed to change for me this side of heaven, I started wanting to cross to the other side. My failures with weight and victorious Christian living left me aching to talk to God face to face. I wanted answers. I wanted relief. I wanted my heavenly body. I wanted it so badly that I spent more time than I should have contemplating death.

I did not want to count my blessings. I did not want to renew my mind. I wanted to get away from myself. I wanted to escape Trainer and Sabby and Reflection. I wanted freedom. I wanted peace. I wanted to drink Clorox and let it take me away. But I couldn't. I didn't want my babies to find me like that.

I would have to continue living, but something had to change. If it couldn't be the size of my hips, then it needed to be something. Anything.

I felt miserable and, honestly, quite hopeless. Then something deep inside—some inner mechanism hidden beneath the mountains of self-effort and walls of self-protection—surrendered. I was reduced to the only thing I knew to be true:
I believe there is a God.
It was neither grand in its wording nor magical in any way, but this next journal entry marked a turning point for me—one with significance I would not fully understand for quite some time.

 

April 10, 2006

I really don't have words, but I'm here again—wanting change—needing freedom and success—lasting success.

I pray today for healing in the deepest recess of my heart and soul—healing in whatever wounded mechanism keeps me defeating myself. I give it to You, Lord. I love You, and that's about all I do know. I have no plan today except to hold desperately to You. I am Yours.

I didn't know it at the time, but I can see now that this was the journal entry God was waiting for. Instead of asking God to help me get skinny, I asked Him for
healing.

1. When you look at the covers of magazines, what kinds of things go through your mind?_________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   
2. How do you compare yourself to the women on the covers of magazines? _______________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   
3. Do you ever say, “I wish I had _________ like she does?” If so, what is it that you've desired? _____________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   
4. Be really honest now. Do you see your worth or value in terms of these things. For example, do you think you are actually
   worth
   more when you weigh less? Or do you think you are a more
   valuable
   person when you have more valuables in your possession?  ____________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   
5. What do you think God would say about your last answer?
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   
6. You might not have Sabby (the one who always tries to sidetrack you) in your head, but you probably hear a voice like hers. Have you ever heard anything from her just when you were trying to do something God's way instead of the world's? For example, just as you were trying to love yourself as you are, Sabby might say, “But it wouldn't hurt to just get a few nips and tucks”—setting you right back on vanity's trail. What does she say to you?
   

   a.
   SABBY
   :
   _______________________________________________________
   ________________________________________________________________
   ________________________________________________________________
   ________________________________________________________________
   

   b.
   YOU
   :
   _________________________________________________________
   ________________________________________________________________
   ________________________________________________________________
   ________________________________________________________________
   

7. Make an honest list of the worldly things you want:
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   _________________________________________________________
   

This world has a lot of tempting things to offer us. Money, looks, clothes, luxury minivans with widescreen TVs and reclining leather seats that swivel all the way around that can be easily stowed below for extra storage space. (Sorry for that little walk down desire lane). The fact is we're all tempted. Jesus was tempted. Temptations are nothing to feel bad about. It's when those temptations become desires that problems arise.

The desires of our hearts can lead us to either life or death. When we start to long for the things of this world, we will always feel disappointed. We aren't made for this world. The world is all about the things that are fading away, and we are made to be all about eternity. Taking an honest look at the things we're longing for is a great step toward realigning our desires before they get the best of us.

• Psalm 37:4—Delight yourself also in the L
  ORD
  , and He shall give you the
  desires
  of your heart.
  
• Matthew 16:24—Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone
  desires
  to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.
  
• Matthew 16:25—For whoever
  desires
  to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
  
• Mark 4:19—And the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the
  desires
  for other things entering in choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.
  
• Mark 10:44—And whoever of you
  desires
  to be first shall be slave of all.
  
• Galatians 5:24—And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and
  desires.
  
• Ephesians 2:3—Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the
  desires
  of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.
  
• 2 Timothy 4:3—For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own
  desires
  , because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers.
  
• James 1:14—But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own
  desires
  and enticed.
  
• James 4:1—Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your
  desires
  for pleasure that war in your members?
  
• Revelation 22:17—And the Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” And let him who thirsts come. Whoever
  desires
  , let him take the water of life freely.