My Big Fat Gay Life (33 page)

Finally! Barbara and I were making long, slow, sensual love. I kissed her throat, and she sighed. I moved down to her breasts, cupping each one with a hand and alternating kisses between each of her nipples. She moaned, and her body squirmed beneath me. I slowly moved down her abdomen, licking and kissing as I went. She arched her back with pleasure. I moved down further and wrapped my lips around her cock.

Wait a minute! Her cock?!

In a panic, I looked up at her face. Justin’s handsome face smiled down at me.

“Go on,” he whispered. “You know you want to.”

I woke with a start, sitting bolt upright in bed. I found that I was physically shaking, and my cock was so hard it was painful. I realised I was holding my breath, so I let out a long slow sigh and tried to breathe normally. Slowly I recovered from the shock, and lay down slowly and gently so as not to disturb Barbara, who was sleeping peacefully next to me.

Rolling onto my side, I studied Barbara’s face. She was beautiful! She looked so serene and peaceful, and almost had a glow about her. I reached out slowly, and tenderly brushed back a lock of hair from her face.

What’s wrong with me? She’s all I could wish for in a partner. She’s kind, considerate, and has a sense of humour that parries quite well with my own. The only thing she’s missing is a penis.

As I lay there contemplating her features, a realisation struck me. I could not - would not - wake up next to her in five years time. I could foresee children, mortgages, and a stable career. The thought horrified me!

Another aspect of my psyche rose up in defiance. She’d left her family for me. She’d chosen me over her parents when they’d issued her with an ultimatum. Surely that deserved some kind of loyalty and sacrifice in return.

I sighed again and rolled onto my back, then watched the reflected light of the dawning sun dance slowly across the ceiling.

* * *

“I need to talk to you about something,” I told Barbara at the breakfast table. I felt a cold knot form in my stomach.

“Yes?” she said, looking at me inquisitively.

“Before I start, I want you to know I love you: truly, deeply, love you.”

“I love you too,” she said quickly. “What’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

“I have to tell you something, and I need you to hear me out. I’m hoping we can work out something, some sort of compromise, when I’m done.”

She nodded, her mouth full of food waiting to be chewed.

“There’s something inside of me that I can’t shake off. I’ve tried ignoring it, but it won’t go away. I’m not sure if it’s something that I need to get out of my system so that it’ll be gone once and for all, or if it’s something that will always be a part of me.”

Barbara carefully chewed and swallowed her mouthful of food, then placed her cutlery down next to her plate. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this when there were sharp utensils close at hand, but I’d formulated exactly what I was going to say as I lay in bed this morning and wanted to express it while it was fresh.

“If it’s something that’s permanent,” I continued. “I hope we can incorporate it into our relationship. It needn’t define…”

“What the fuck is it? Get on with it! Stop rambling!” Barbara shrieked. Her hands were clenched into fists, and her knuckles were white with the strain.

I took a deep breath and said, “I want to try having sex with a man.”

“I fucking knew it!” she exclaimed, jumping to her feet and knocking her chair to the floor. “You’re a fucking poofter! Just like all those disgusting deviant friends of your sister’s!”

She picked up her chair and sat at the table again, putting her elbows on the table and her face in her hands.

“I don’t know,” I told her honestly. She started sobbing silently into her hands. “That’s what I need to find out. I’m hoping you can be there for me and support me through this.”

“Forget it,” she said softly, her voice muffled through her hands.

“Isn’t it best if I work through this now, rather than after we’re married and have kids? That wouldn’t be fair to you, it wouldn’t be fair to the kids, and it wouldn’t be fair to me. It’d be a shame to throwaway what we have now on a ‘maybe’.”

“‘Maybe’? Maybe, my arse! It explains why you haven’t once touched me intimately in the two years we’ve been together. Hell, it explains why you like watching wrestling. It explains your Barbra Streisand CD collection. Fuck! It even explains why you enjoy musical theatre. There’s no ‘maybe’ about it!”

I sat there silently, staring at my hands on the table. What could I say? She was absolutely correct.

She put her hands down on the table and looked at me. “Just leave. Go to your niece’s naming ceremony. When you get back, I’ll be gone.”

“How’s the new daddy?” I asked Justin as I walked into the squash court and gave him a kiss and a hug.

“Tired,” he replied, and he looked it. However, despite the black bags under his eyes, his eyes were full of life and sparkle.

Ruth had given birth to a beautiful baby girl nearly two weeks ago, and neither parent had gotten a wink of sleep since. This wasn’t because the new addition to the family cried all night – quite the opposite, she slept like a log – but because the new parents spent all night beside her crib, gazing at her in wonder.

“You’re sure you’re up to this?” he asked me, gesturing at my foot with his racquet. The medical boot had come off two months ago, but this was the first real test of my foot.

“Absolutely!” I replied. “Let’s play.”

Justin served first, and continued to serve nearly every ball after it. I was losing terribly, but I was having a blast. It felt good to be active again.

“Do I get a hint?” I asked Justin as I served the ball on one of the rare occasions that I managed to take the serve off him.

“No,” he grinned, deftly placing the ball way out of my reach. Although their baby girl had been born nearly two weeks ago, nobody knew what to call her. It was a secret, to be revealed at a naming ceremony taking place at Patricia and Donovan’s home this afternoon.

Justin ran me ragged around the squash court like I was merely a plaything for him. I was hot and sweating, and despite not sleeping for two weeks Justin looked as fresh as a newly mowed lawn.

“Can I ask you a question?” he said as he served again.

“Of course you can,” I told him between pants as I returned the serve.

“Have you ever been fucked up the arse?” he asked me, kindly returning the ball to a place where I could easily reach it. Instead of reaching for the ball I stopped in my tracks, surprised by his question. The ball bounced past me, ricocheted off the back wall, and hit me in the back of the head.

I just gaped open-mouthed at him. Eventually I found my tongue.

“I’m happy to talk to you about anything, but there’s a time and a place for everything,” I said, gesturing with my eyes up to his fan club in the viewing gallery.

“Oh! I’m sorry!” he said instantly. “Let’s go sit in the sauna and talk.”

As though by magic, the viewing gallery emptied of people. All we could hear was the fading echoes of feet walking briskly away to the sauna.

“How about we talk at my place,” I said, laughing.

* * *

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you when we were playing squash,” Justin said as he soaped up my back. “Sometimes I wonder if Donovan and Patricia are really your parents. You can be so prudish!”

“Prudish!” I exclaimed, turning and gesturing at him with my arms. “How can I be prudish? Here I am, showering naked with you.”

“True, but this is an activity you’re comfortable with. And that only came after years of awkwardness. I used to have to drag you kicking and screaming into the shower.”

I nodded, acknowledging he was correct.

“I’m happy to talk to you about sex,” I told him, “but I need to be clothed. I can’t expose my body and my emotions at the same time.”

“You’ve gotten a little pudgy with all your inactivity of the last six months,” Justin said, slapping my butt.

“Thanks! That really helps me feel more comfortable,” I sulked.

After we were washed and dried, I put on some shorts and a t-shirt and headed to the kitchen. Naturally, Justin remained as naked as the day he was born.

“The simple answer is: no, I’ve never been fucked,” I told him as I prepared coffee. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I can be a bit prudish, and that may have something to do with it.”

“What do you mean?” he asked me, unselfconsciously scratching his balls.

“To enjoy being fucked, you need to be relaxed and comfortable. A lot, and I mean a LOT, of gay men seem to be able to relax enough with just about anyone. Personally, I’ve never found anyone I felt comfortable enough with to let them fuck me.”

I’d been dreading a conversation like this since Justin told me that he’d been raped, and the resulting shame from thinking he’d enjoyed it. For the last three months he’d been attending a weekly support group for male victims of rape and it had helped him immeasurably, however he’d gone through a few rough patches. Happily, he now seemed to be back to his old self.

“I’m thinking of asking Ruth to experiment a little with me when she’s recovered from the birth and rearing to go,” Justin said. “Start off with a finger and see what happens from there.”

I wished deeply that a blackhole would open up beneath my feet and swallow me, taking me away from this conversation. I waited a few seconds, but I wasn’t to be spared.

“If that’s what you want, then great! It’s a bit ironic that the gay guy is too repressed to let himself be fucked, but the straight guy is adventurous enough to have his wife tickle his prostate.

“I envy you,” I continued, “and I totally respect you. You’re so comfortable in your own skin that you have no qualms about nudity. And now, you’re so comfortable with your sexuality that you’re willing to experiment and do things that even a lot of gay men wouldn’t do. You know yourself: it’s a precious thing.”

I turned back to making the coffee.

“You know yourself too Sebby,” he said, “and you are an amazing person!”

“I thought I knew myself,” I told him, keeping my back to him as I prepared the coffee, “but all the shit with Matt shook my confidence.”

“Awww Sebby,” Justin said, stepping behind me and wrapping his arms around me, “You’re perfect as you are. Don’t change!”

“For fuck’s sake Justin!” I exclaimed, turning around and gently pushing him back a step. “You’re hard!”

We both broke down into uncontrolled laughter.

“Do you mind if I use your bedroom for a while to take care of this?” Justin asked between gasps and laughs, gesturing at his erection. “It’s been so long since Ruth and I made love. It wouldn’t be proper to have unwanted erections at my daughter’s naming ceremony!”

“But wanted erections are fine?” I said, still laughing. “Sure. Go for it!”

Just when I thought I didn’t have it in me to have another orgasm, Ryan’s masterful tongue licked me to another plane of ecstasy.

“Lucky I don’t have any clients today,” he said as he worked his way up the hotel bed and collapsed next to me. “I’m totally spent.”