My Blue Eyes (21 page)

     I made it to my parents’ house and slowly opened the door.  I expected their memories to engulf my emotions as I walked in the door.  Instead, I was greeted with a half empty home with all my parents’ memories looted by my brothers and sister.  It looked nothing like the last time I left.  Even the family photos were pillaged from the walls.  I shook my head in disgust with my family, except Troy.  I appreciated his attempt to make it look like a home.  I walked through the house and into every room.  The only room left untouched was my own bedroom.  I figured if it wasn't for Troy, they would have taken everything from there as well.
     The more I looked around, the more disgusted I got.  Nothing was my parents’.  I sat down on the couch and just stared at the empty walls.  Thoughts clouded my head with so many things, I felt like I was going insane.  I felt so shitty.  All I wanted to do was beat the shit out of something.  I wished one of my brothers would walk through the door so I could let him have it.  I knew it wasn't just an empty house causing my anger.  I was angry with Mary too.  She let me live for almost four years without letting me know I had a daughter.  I missed out on so much.  Her first smile, her first steps, her first words and every other first.  Life was so unfair to me.

     With everything that had happened in my life at such a young age, I never felt sorry for myself.  I never was selfish and never thought about just me.  I always put everyone before me.  I shook my head as my eyes started getting watery.  This was all bullshit.  Angry thoughts kept filling my head.  Maybe it was time to think about me after all these years.  I dug my head in the pillow yelled as loud as I could.  Years of bottled up emotion started coming out.  I went to the garage and the heavy bag I had hanging in the corner was still there.  I took a swing and hit it with everything I had.  It felt so good.  With every punch I yelled.
     “Fuck my brothers!”
     “Fuck my sister!”
     “Fuck this town!”
     “Fuck my fucking knee!”
     “Fuck it blowing out again, and again, and again!”
     “Fuck not playing ball anymore!”
     “And most of all, fuck you Mary!”
     The bag went flying off the rope I had never really securely attached.  I jumped on top of it and kept wailing away on it.  I was lost in my rage as I didn't realize someone standing in the garage door saying my name.
     “Darrel,” I vaguely heard as I was swinging on the bag.
     “Darrel,” the voice said louder.
     I turned around and saw Amy standing in the doorway.  She was the most beautiful sight for sore eyes I could have ever wanted.
     “Amy,” I said with tears in my eyes.
     She walked nervously to me, “What’s going on Darrel?”
     I shook my head and forced myself in her arms.  I didn't know why she was here and I didn't care.  If there was one person I needed with me at this moment, it was her.  She was my everything.  I placed a hand on both cheeks and kissed her.  I didn't stop until she finally pulled away.
     “Darrel,” she said with hesitation.  “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
     I nodded my head and lead her into the living room.  We sat down on the couch and I told her everything.  I told her about Mary and Ellie.  I told her about them coming over tonight.  I told her about the empty house and all the memories that were taken away.  I told her how everything was so fucked up now.  I told her how I wanted to be selfish for once in my life.  How I need to stop putting everyone’s needs before my own.  Most importantly, I told her how much I missed her and needed her.  She laughed and told me something only she would say.
     “You know that’s not you Darrel,” she laughed as she touched my face.  “You’re the kindest person I know.  You don’t know how to be selfish.”
     “That’s not true,” I said staring in her eyes.  “I was selfish to you for a long time.”
     “How so Darrel?”
     “Because Amy,” I paused.  “For the longest time we didn't share the same feelings for each other.  I don’t know of any other girl who would put up with it as long as you did.”
     Amy laughed and leaned back on the couch, pulling me in.  “That’s not true Darrel.  That night I saw you at the frat party, I knew I was going to love you.”
     I squeezed her tight, “I know.  You told me that.”
     “Well, that wasn't the only thing I thought,” she said with a slight smile.  “When I looked at you, I saw a guy who was full of love.  Then you got the courage to come and talk to me.  What I saw in those blue eyes was a world filled with love.  Right at that moment, I knew I was going to be with you.  I could tell by your eyes you had been through some tough times.”  She paused.  “You know you can tell a lot by just staring into someone’s eyes.  You needed to be loved and I wanted to love you.  I know you think you didn't feel the same way, but you did.  You just needed time to heal from your past.  Even at your worst, you were still at your best.  You are and always have been everything I could have asked for.”
     “What about Mary and Ellie?” I asked.
     “We’ll just have to deal with it together right?” she said while pulling in for a kiss.  “We will make it work.  I love you Darrel.”
Chapter 47 
     
Amy was able to get out of her obligations back in Andalusia.  She wanted to surprise me with her availability for the weekend.  She was planning on helping me out with things at my parents’ house and then would drive back to Alabama with me.  She too, did not want me to drive back alone.  She had purchased a one way ticket to the closest available airport and Matt picked her up.  I was unaware coach had invited most of the players from our senior year team.
     I forgot one important detail when I invited Mary and Ellie over.  In all the emotion of finding out I had a daughter, I failed to mention I was engaged.  As far as Mary knew, she was planning on it just being us.  I informed Amy of this and she was okay with the expected awkwardness of the night.
     I had no idea how this night was going to go.  It was just after 9:00 PM and there was no way to let Mary know about Amy before she arrived.  I didn't even know where she was staying that night.  I tried my best to prepare for her arrival.  No matter what I had planned, I knew it wouldn't go according to script.
     The doorbell rang and I asked Amy if she was okay if I spoke to Mary outside first.  She agreed, and I opened the door and stepped outside.  Mary was holding Ellie in her arms as she noticed my nervousness with their arrival.
     “Hello Darrel,” she said cautiously.  “Do you not want us to come in?”
     “That’s not it Mary,” I said taking a deep breath.  “I should have told you something before you came over.  With everything happening so quickly, it slipped my mind.”
     “What is it Darrel?”
     I hesitated, “I've been with someone for over three years now and we recently became engaged.  Her name is Amy and she is inside.”
     Mary’s expression went blank, “Congratulations.  Wow Darrel.  This is pretty big news.  I had no idea.”
     “I would still like you to come in, if you want.”  I directed my attention towards Ellie.  “I would like to get know my daughter.”
     Mary nodded her head with a reluctant approval, “Sure Darrel.  We can’t stay long though.  It’s already way past her bedtime.”
     I led them inside and introduced them to Amy.  It was every bit of awkward I had anticipated.  Even Amy’s sweet southern charm didn't make a difference.  She was as nice as she could possibly be given the circumstances.  I could tell Mary was super nervous.  If it was four years ago and Mary was put in this situation, she would have surely freaked out.
     We sat on the couch as Mary held Ellie on her lap in the adjacent rocking chair.  Ellie took to Amy right away.  Amy motioned for Ellie to come to her and she did without hesitation.  I could tell this made Mary uncomfortable.  Honestly, I didn't care.  I was still upset with her for never telling me about Ellie.  
     Ellie came over to Amy and she picked her up and placed her on her knee.  She asked her the basic questions you would ask a three year old.  She answered Amy without any concern.  They even carried on a conversation as I sat and watched.  I don’t think I have ever felt as weird as I did at this moment.  As I think about it now, weird doesn't even give that feeling any justice.  I could have only imagined the conversation going on in heaven between my mom and dad.  
     Amy tried to get me to take Ellie, but I was reluctant.  I don’t think Ellie even knew I was her dad at that moment.  I turned my attention towards Mary.
     “Does she even know,” I asked.
     Mary shook her head.
     “Can I tell her?”
     Amy interrupted, “With all due respect, I don’t think right now is appropriate.  Darrel, you need to try to get to know her first.  You haven’t even interacted with her.”
     Amy lifted Ellie off her knee and gave her to me.  I took her and held her like someone who has never held a three year old.  Ellie stared me in the eyes and smiled.  I smiled back.  Just like that, the nervousness I had went away in a matter of seconds.  My body was overtaken with a calmness as I held onto her as she sat on my thigh.  I held her close and gave her a kiss on top of her head.  I looked at Amy and smiled.  
This was my daughter I was holding
, I thought.  
My actual daughter.
  She was so beautiful and I felt like I never wanted to let her go.
     I looked at Mary and I could tell she was starting to get emotional.  Her eyes were watery as she wiped them trying not to smear her makeup.
     “What happens now Mary?” I asked.
     “I don’t know Darrel,” Mary responded shaking her head.
     Amy stood up from the couch, “Why don’t I take Ellie outside for a bit and let you two talk.  Mary do you mind?”
     “That’s fine Amy,” she responded.
     Amy grabbed Ellie and asked if she wanted to go outside with her.  Ellie agreed and Amy picked her up and walked out the front door.
     “This isn't fair Mary,” I said.  “It’s not fair you never let me know I had a child.”
     “What would you have done if you knew Darrel?  Would you have left school and moved to Minnesota?”
     I stared off at the ceiling, “I don’t know Mary, but I think I deserved the right to make that decision.  You should have told me.”
     Mary stood up and came over and sat next to me, “I didn't want that Darrel.  You had a dream of playing professional baseball, and I wanted you to pursue that dream without any distractions.”
     I looked at Mary with confusion, “Do you know how ludicrous that sounds?  We have a child together Mary.  Regardless of how you felt, I deserved to know.”
     “I did what I thought was best Darrel.”
     I could feel the anger inside me reaching a boiling point, “Why did you get to make that decision on your own!  I am honestly so angry with you now Mary.  Four years ago I could have never have imagined I would ever be able to be this angry with you.”
     Mary put her hands over her face and fell back into the couch.  “I felt like it was the best choice for everyone.  I was holding you back.  Your whole senior year, I held you back.  I loved you so much Darrel.  I was willing to do whatever it took to let you be free of me as a burden.”  She grabbed my hand, “Do you even know how tough this was on me?  All I wanted was to be with you!  I knew I couldn't though.  I was so messed up back then Darrel.”
     I shook my head, “You still should have let me make that choice.”
     “This is not how I wanted this to happen.”
     “How did you want it to happen Mary?”
     “I don’t know.  There was part of me that was hoping you weren't with anyone and we could continue where we left off.  I knew finding out you had a daughter would take some getting used to.  When I saw you at the cemetery, my heart dropped.  It took everything I had not to run to you.”
     I stared off in the distance shaking my head.  “What happens now?”
     “I don’t think we are going to come to that answer tonight Darrel.  How long are you staying here?”
     “I was going to drive back home on Sunday, after Coach Bradley’s retirement party.  Maybe we could stay a few extra days.  I will have to talk to Amy.  We were going to start looking for our own place as soon as we got home.  Other than that, I don’t have anything going on.”
     Mary nodded her head approvingly, “Do you think we can get together early tomorrow?  I’m staying with a friend here for the time being.”
      “A friend,” I responded in shock knowing Mary had never mentioned ever having any friends.
     She laughed, “I know it’s hard to believe.  She is actually one of the therapists at St. Elizabeth’s.  She was my main therapist every time I was hospitalized.  We kept in touch pretty consistently over the years.  She’s the one who talked me into coming here to interview.  I guess we broke that client and professional relationship boundary.”
      The front door opened as Amy and Ellie came through laughing.  Amy looked at Mary and said, “I tell you what Mary, this little sweet thing is as smart as a whip.  I could just eat her up.”
     Ellie went running to Mary.  We agreed to meet tomorrow so we could work some things out and I could spend time with Ellie.  Amy was all for it and said she would stay here as long as I needed her to.  And I needed her here for the entirety.
Chapter 48
 
 
   
 
 I decided to stay for another four days.  It would turn out to be a mixed bag of emotions.  Saturday morning I met with Mary and Ellie at the park.  The idea was suggested by Amy.  She said there is no better way to interact with your child than being at a park.  She was right.
     Mary sat back and just let us do our thing.  I helped here swing, slide and held onto her while she did the monkey bars.  She was such a sweet little girl.  I loved playing with her and holding her close to me.  
     Ellie talked a lot during our play time together.  Half of which I couldn't understand.  She would ask me something and I would nod my head yes, not knowing what exactly she asked.  Mary then warned me to make sure I knew what she was asking before I said yes, because it might be something I wouldn't want to do.  She eventually made a friend at the park and it gave me a chance to sit next to Mary on the park bench to work some things out.
     “She is so beautiful Mary,” I said smiling.
     Mary beamed with pride, “Yes, she is.  She has a little bit of both of us in her.  You should see her throw a ball.”
     “Please tell me she doesn't throw like you Mary.”
     Mary proceeded to slap me on the arm laughing, “Hey now.  You've never seen me throw a ball.”
     “I kid Mary!”  I focused in on Ellie.  “Tell me what part of me you see in her.”