My Body-Mine (12 page)

B
y Thursday morning I could restrain myself no longer. I wanted to make contact with Chase. I went through my normal routine of booting up my computer, checking my email, and signing into Facebook. I was waiting to hear back from the publisher with regard to the contract changes. I quickly minimized the page and brought up
Falling Through The Rabbit Hole
. I just planned to read through the first few chapters, to reassure myself of the competency of my writing.

By the second page I heard the familiar Facebook chime. My heart leapt to my throat and I quickly brought up Facebook. Sandy. I relaxed my shoulders and laughed at myself.

Sandy:
How’s it going?

Jane:
I heard from the publisher.

Sandy:
And?!

Jane:
They’re going to publish my book.

Sandy:
Wow! You must be beside yourself. How long will it take? Are you bouncing around high on life?

Jane:
I’m rather excited and impatient. It could take up to 3 months. That seems like forever.

Sandy:
That sounds quick to me. I’m really excited for you.

Jane:
Thanks! How are you? Jason?

Sandy:
We’re great but still dragging our feet. My mother is crazed to get us to pick a date. I know he’s the one but neither of us feels we need to rush it.

A horrible thought struck me. Could they be holding off because of what happened with me? My marriage had ended so badly.
Please, please, don’t let my life be the roadblock keeping them from moving forward.

Jane:
Sandy, what are you waiting for? Who’s holding off, both of you, or just you?

Sandy:
You know me too well.

Jane:
Does this have something to do with what happened to me?

A long pause took place as I muttered, “Please no, please no,” to myself. Just then another IM popped up.

Chase:
No hello for your soon to be new friend?

Jane:
Can you give me a minute?

Chase:
Sure.

Sandy’s pause twisted me in knots but part of me still hoped she had just gotten busy at work.

Jane:
Sandy?

Sandy:
I’m scared.

Jane:
He is nothing like Luke and I knew what I was getting into with him. What you have with Jason is totally different. He loves you, the good kind of love.

Sandy:
Logically, I know what you’re saying but in my heart, I keep thinking, maybe he’ll change.

Jane:
I feel incredibly sad right now. My life choices shouldn’t keep you from having all the love and happiness you deserve. Does Jason understand your reasoning?

Sandy:
You know Jason, he’d never pressure me.

Jane:
Is there anything I can say to help you get past this?

Sandy:
No, Jane, but thank you.

Jane:
Okay.

Sandy:
I’ve got to go.

Jane:
Bye.

Sandy: Bye.

Would
I ever get to leave the past behind?

The idea of starting over in a new place where no one knew me suddenly had its appeal. Running away wouldn’t help Sandy get past whatever kept her stuck but I had no idea how to help or support her. I took a deep breath and responded to Chase.

Jane:
Hey.

Chase:
Having a good morning?

Jane:
Not exactly.

Chase:
Want to talk about it?

Jane:
Not exactly.

Chase:
Maybe you don’t understand how friendship works. You share something, I share something, and that way we get to know each other better.

Jane:
Have you ever considered that I’m doing you a favor?

Chase:
Have you ever considered that I can take care of myself?

Jane:
Fine!

Chase:
Fine!

Jane:
Which do you want first? The drama in the house or the drama with my oldest friend, who won’t set a
wedding date
because of what happened to me?

Chase:
As I see it, that’s three things: house drama, friend’s fear of marriage and what happened to you. I vote for starting with the third so maybe I can understand the second.

Jane:
Fine, we will start with the first. :P

Chase:
It’s like that, is it?

Jane:
Most definitely.

Chase:
Waiting …

Jane:
You do realize you will have to go next, right? The whole give and take thing … and you better make it good.

Chase:
Fine.


Jane:
Is that your favorite word?

Chase:
You are stalling …

Jane:
Before I start, I have to know this is just between us. This is not to be discussed with anyone else. No sharing with Andre under any circumstances.

Chase:
You have my word and I take it seriously.

I felt incredibly selfish. He had no idea what he was getting himself into just before I dumped my life drama on him but at the same time I needed someone I could confide in and trust to bounce off all the stuff that rattled around in my thick skull. Janice had been that person for a while but with the rift between us, that was no longer an option. If I gained any knowledge from my time with Luke, I learned to never let myself become so isolated again that I no longer felt I had my friends to lean on.

Jane:
You asked for it. Just remember that.

Chase:
Duly noted. Go for it.

Jane:
I live with Marcello and Janice in Marcello’s home. He used to be very close with Luke, my ex-husband, “like brothers,” they were known to say. Janice lived with Luke before I knew him.

Chase:
Very incestuous.

Jane:
Yeah, you could say that. It’s a very long story, but the short version is that Marcello is involved with both of us and it seemed to work fine for a while but Marcello has fallen in love with me and now has less desire to spend time with Janice. Janice is understandably upset by it.

Chase:
And is mad at you, I’m guessing?

Jane:
Yeah, but what’s more upsetting is she’s stirring something up at the restaurant where she works—the one that Marcello owns. Even as I write this to you, I’m cringing and feeling like I should just shut the fuck up.

Chase:
You are soooo dramatic. So far it’s nothing one wouldn’t expect under the circumstances. The pertinent question is: are you in love with him?

Jane:
I do love him.

Chase:
Like he loves you?

Jane: No.

Chase:
This gets more interesting by the second. So if I understand you correctly: Janice is in love with Marcello, Marcello is in love with you, and you are still in love with Luke?

Jane:
I’m not sure if Janice is in love with Marcello but being second place doesn’t work for her. I’m not in love with Luke anymore. I’m pretty sure I’m not capable of falling in love again and I don’t see it as a bad thing.

Chase:
IC.

Jane:
Your turn.

Chase:
Wait, I have more questions.

Jane:
I’m sure you do, but I’m not open to answering any more until you go. Start with what you know about me and a story about you. A very personal and embarrassing one will do.

Chase:
Okay. I know you collapsed or passed out or something like that while with Luke and he called your girlfriends and had a couple of guys take you to Parker’s. Shortly after that you tried to kill yourself.

Jane:
Fuck!

Chase:
You asked.

Jane:
Do you know what kind of relationship I had with Luke?

Chase:
Andre said Luke was extremely controlling, according to Parker, and that she had real reservations about the relationship even before you got married.

Jane:
Is that all of it?

Chase:
I know you were naked at your wedding.

Jane:
I’m mortified that you know all of this about me. Why in hell did you want to meet me?

Chase:
I thought it might be interesting and I was doing Parker a favor.

Jane:
Oh jeez. Well you’re officially off the hook.

Chase:
I don’t want to be. I felt something the moment our eyes met. I want to know you, if you’ll let me.

Jane:
FINE. Your turn and you better make it good.

Chase:
Maybe it’s
your
new favorite word?

Jane:
Now who’s stalling?

Chase:
When I played on the high school football team …

Jane:
High school, really? You have to go that far back for something embarrassing?

Chase:
Are you going to let me tell it or what?

Jane:
Fine.

Chase:
LOL you are a funny one. So anyway, this girl decided she’d take on the football team ….

Jane:
If you were the girl then maybe we’d have something of a comparison but …

Chase:
Are you done? To share, you have to let me finish my sentences.

Jane:
Right, okay. Go.

Chase:
The “party” was at the house of a guy whose parents were out of town. By the time I arrived with my friend Diego, there were guys lined up waiting for their opportunity to fuck her. She lay on the dining room table while the quarterback plowed into her.

Jane:
Were the men waiting in line dressed?

Chase:
No, they were all naked.

Jane:
How many were there?

Chase:
6 or 7 plus me and Diego.

Jane:
Were you naked?

Chase:
Yes, we got naked with the rest of them and watched.

Jane:
Were you aroused?

Chase: Yes.

Jane:
Did she seem to be enjoying it?

Chase:
I don’t think she enjoyed the sex so much as the ordering around the guys and being in control.

Jane:
How so?

Chase:
After the quarterback finished, the next guy stepped up and she kicked him away with her foot and said, “Not you yet. Go to the end of the line.”

Jane:
IC and?

Chase:
By the time I stood in front of her, she said she was too tired and sore to do either of us.

Jane:
Were you upset that she wouldn’t fuck you?

Chase:
No, I was more curious why she did it in the first place.

Jane:
Did you ask her?

Chase:
Yes. She said she liked the attention and liked being in control. She ended up giving all those guys crabs and I’ve often wondered if she did it intentionally as payback, purposely sparing Diego and me.

Jane:
Well, it’s a sweet story and if it actually happened to you, I’d say it counted but since it didn’t, try again.

Chase:
I’m embarrassed to say, my life has been rather vanilla. Not for lack of trying though.

Jane:
Explain.

Chase:
I have tried to get past lovers to open the relationship or try more kinky things.

Jane:
Like?

Chase:
Bondage, threesomes, anal sex, etc.

Jane: IC.

Chase:
Your turn.

Jane:
I don’t see how your silly story equates with what’s going on in my life.

Chase:
Stop thinking I’m judging you and focus on the fact that I want to know you. Give me a chance. It sounds like you could use an objective friend.

I sighed loudly to myself and decided to take a gamble.

Jane:
The Reader’s Digest
version is that I stumbled upon Luke at a large party house. I didn’t know what kind of social function my FWB had brought me to.

Chase:
What kind of party was it?

Jane:
They called it a house party but it was essentially a swingers’ event.

Chase:
So a gathering for sex?

Jane:
Primarily, yes, although many people just watched.

Chase:
How did you meet Luke?

Jane:
In his bedroom. I searched for a phone to use because I wanted to leave and Scott had driven me but after we arrived he soon disappeared.

Chase:
IC and then?

Jane:
I moved in with Luke in less than a week.

Chase:
Into the party house?