My Body-Mine (13 page)

Jane:
No, an apartment near my work that Luke rented for us.

Chase:
You move fast.

Jane:
Not usually.

All of a sudden I felt exhausted and needed to either take a nap or go for a run. I also couldn’t just lay out my whole history for him to peruse.

Jane:
It’s been … interesting but it’s time for me to go for my run.

Chase:
You’re a runner?

Jane:
I am.

Chase:
So am I. Maybe we can go together sometime?

Jane:
Maybe.

Chase:
Thanks for the chat and for trusting me.

Jane:
Sure thing. See you Saturday.

Chase:
Saturday.


The days cooled off during the fall in Hollywood, Florida, as the heinous heat had subsided making it more pleasant to run in the afternoon sun. Passing by the kitchen before I headed out, I grabbed a banana from the bowl of fruit. An errant idea crossed my mind and I took my cellphone from my pocket and texted Marcello.

Me:
Do you have a set of keys to the beach house?

I stood waiting to receive a text response. I decided on a strawberry yogurt while I waited.

Marcello:
Yes, I do, but I don’t see the point. I don’t see how anything positive can come out of it.

Me:
Shouldn’t I be the one to decide that?

Marcello:
But last time you were there you, Jane …

Me:
I haven’t forgotten. I think it will be good for me.

Marcello:
And if you are wrong? Can you wait until I get home so we can go over there together?

Me:
Do you trust me?

Marcello:
Implicitly.

Me:
So tell me, where are the keys?

Marcello: Jane.

Me:
I will tell you all about it on our call tomorrow morning.

I sat on the counter, awaiting his response as I finished my yogurt. I imagined him trying to figure a way around it. After a few minutes the text came through.

Marcello:
Top drawer inside my armoire.

Me:
Thank you!

I jumped down and snatched up the banana and water and jogged to his room. Sure enough, I found Luke’s set of keys. It felt odd to hold them in my hand, as though the past lived inside them.

Marcello:
Please don’t make me regret my decision.

Me:
No chance. :*

Marcello:
Will you be around later?

Me:
Sure, what’s up?

Marcello:
Make sure you have Skype downloaded to your computer. See you at 8?

Me:
Looking forward to it.


I felt inclined to drive straight to the house but instead parked at my usual spot and ran in the opposite direction. Alex Clare blared through the headphones and my body bubbled with excitement. I’d get to be inside
my
house. That life seemed forever ago and I felt like I had to give it a proper farewell. Plus, call me crazy, but I wanted to see what it felt like to be there and since it looked completely uninhabited, I didn’t have to worry about running into Luke.

The music switched to Calvin Harris and for some reason the song “Feel So Close” made me think of Chase. I wondered if our strides would suit each other the way mine did with Luke’s. I couldn’t imagine that we’d have any reason to run together but I was curious.

After my workout, I stretched and pondered what Marcello might have in store for me that night. Should I buy a new outfit to surprise him? Unlike Luke, who preferred me naked, he seemed to have a thing for lingerie.

I drove over to the house and parked in front. I stayed in the car for a few moments, wondering what I hoped to gain from my excursion. Although the house had never felt fully my own, legally it still belonged equally to me and Luke under Florida law.

No time like the present,
I thought. Opening the car door and grabbing the set of keys, I finally ventured forth.

The fourth key worked like a charm and I entered the house. The place smelled musty and I felt an overwhelming desire to open all the windows. Instead I just left the front door open and
spread wide
the French doors that faced the ocean.

I stood inside
and
looked out the back, as I had many times before. I could see Luke and me having Sunday breakfast near the steps, watching the waves roll in. Then my eyes wandered to the pool, where one evening we had played in the water after all the models had gone. I scanned over to the French doors, where we made love just inside, because we were too impatient to make it to the bedroom. So ravenous for each other, it never seemed to be enough.
More, please!
I heard myself say.

The wind blew in past me and stirred up the dust, causing me to sneeze four times in a row.

The place felt sad, or maybe I projected my own emotions. It made me think of the movie,
Legend
. Winter descended over everything, stopping time. Time had definitely stopped in the place we had once called a home.

I moseyed through the kitchen, trailing my finger through the dust, and wondered if anyone else would ever live in the house. Would they have sex on the counter like we had the time Luke cornered me against the sink as I cleaned up the plates and pans he’d used to make us dinner? Suds on my hands, I’d let him spin me around, devouring my mouth, making me giggle. I wrapped my arms around him, not caring about the bubbles covering his back. He lifted me onto the counter just to the right of the sink and settled himself between my thighs, clutching my ass and fully penetrating me.

I shook off the vision and traveled deeper into the house. His office door was locked, but I had no interest in entering there. In my writing room, I plopped down on the love seat by the door, watching a cloud of dust dance in the air. A thought occurred to me and I opened all the drawers of the desk to find them empty.

I walked into our bedroom. The painting Luke had given me for my wedding gift still hung by the door. The room still held furniture he had moved two different times while I knew him. I opened the closet and stepped back, holding my chest to calm my rapid breathing. All his clothes still hung there. He had another place in Japan and never packed much for his trips so I shouldn’t have been surprised. Still, it shocked me that he had literally walked away from our life, leaving everything behind.

I checked my side of the closet and found a pair of boots I had forgotten about. I placed them on the bed. I gathered hair ties and a few other things from the bathroom as well. Opening all my drawers, I found them empty except for the last, where I found a box. I didn’t open it but placed it
next to my boots
. I plunked at the foot of the bed and stared at Luke’s belongings in the closet. I was tempted to take one of his shirts with me but decided that wouldn’t sit well with Marcello.

Sliding down the edge of the bed to the floor, I squeezed my bent knees to me and finally gave myself over to the pain of all I had lost. While I knew the flaws in our relationship and no longer wished to have him back, I still loved Luke like no other and the loss felt worse than death. I let myself grieve.

I mourned, not only for the loss of love and connection, but the loss of innocence that I could never regain. I cried for old Jane, that stupid girl who needed more adventure in her life. Well, she had gotten that in spades. The tears cleansed some of the guilt and shame I carried for my choices and how they’d affected my friends and even my mother. When Sandy came to mind, I wished I could wash away how my life had impacted hers. She seemed most bothered by my recent mistakes.

As my breathing began to slow, I cried for Luke.

He needed love as much as I did. I still had limited knowledge of Luke’s past but knew enough to understand that he had been through hell during his youth. Janice left me wondering if he had to hustle his way to survive when he lived out on his own, much too young. He had managed to break out and become a successful photographer but the past still haunted him, just as my married life with him still haunted me.

The sorrow felt so deep and raw. I still loved him. If I could wipe the slate clean for all of us, I would. Hardest of all, I had to go on knowing that I’d not only hurt myself and those who trusted me, but could never truly resolve or find closure with him, with Luke, the man who used to be mine.

He wasn’t good for me and I wasn’t good for him but I no longer hoped he’d suffer. We’d both suffered enough.

Sitting there on the floor of our bedroom, I wondered if we could ever exorcise the demons from our home. I didn’t think so.

I loved that house, my dream house, now frozen in time.

I scooped up my belongings and took one last glimpse outside as I closed and locked the French doors.

Turning the key on the front door, I noted which one I used to lock it and on the way home, had a duplicate created. Going by the house had been the right thing and I was tired of other people exerting control over things that belonged to me. Somehow the key symbolized that. More comfortable in my skin and therefore my life, I felt more at peace. I had grieved the past and the loss of my home.

As I returned Luke’s keys to Marcello’s drawer, I noticed a photograph of a very elegant woman with red hair. I guessed her to be closer to Marcello’s age than mine and wondered who she might be to him.

Back in my room, I settled on my bed, along with the box. Shaking the top off, I unfolded the tissue paper and laughed uproariously. The gift from Parker. I had totally forgotten about it. She had left it for me in my writing room and I had found it a couple of days after the wedding. The first time I’d seen the gift it had brought forth the same laughter. White. Somehow she still held onto a rather virginal image of me, or at least I imagined she did. I didn’t think that could be true any longer.

Lifting the garment, I finally admitted I found it rather cute in a sweet sort of way. I held up the short, white babydoll with a lace-trimmed halter and hem with see-through mesh in between. My big nipples could
easily
be seen through the cloth, I concluded. The lingerie came paired with an equally sheer, matching G-string panty. Not sure what Marcello had in mind for later that night, I planned to surprise him dressed in the white babydoll.

A
fter downloading Skype, I showered and shaved and donned my old/new lingerie. Tanned from running in the sun, I looked rather fetching, if not downright sexy in an understated way.

I lounged on the bed and realized I needed to text Marcello my new Skype name so he could add me.

Me:
My Skype name is Jane.Stiles.

While waiting for Marcello to text or sign in online, I lay on my bed reading more of my current novel. My phone finally chimed so I picked it up and checked the text.

Marcello:
Sorry for the delay. I’m on.

I put my novel aside and dragged the computer in front of me. I had never played online—short of the video clip I had once made for Luke. Excitement had my nipples poking against the white fabric of the halter top.

Skype rang and I selected the video call option, causing Marcello’s video stream to come into focus. He wore dark slacks and a blue, button-down dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the collar and two more buttons left undone. He appeared tired but at the same time incredibly sexy. The bed he rested upon had a brown coverlet. He had one knee bent in front of his laptop. The other touched the floor on the side of the bed. I sat cross-legged in the middle of mine.

“
Hello, Jane.” His deep voice echoed from my computer.

I turned down the volume slightly and replied, “It’s wonderful to see you.”

“
Speaking of which, stand up so I can get a better look at what you’re wearing.”

I stepped off the bed and swiveled the computer to the side. Stepping away, I made sure my image centered on the screen. I swayed from side to side and circled around so he could see the back as well. Bending over, I flipped up the hem and laughed.

“
Ragazza sexy
,” he said.

“
You like?” I said, settling myself down on the bed.

“
Very much. Is it new?”

“
Actually, a gift from Parker from the wedding. I found it when I went over to the house. However, this is the first time I’ve worn it.” I smiled.

“
The white is a rather nice color on you. And going by the house, how was that?”

“
Good, overall. I’m glad I did it but it made me sad as well.”

“
I can imagine.”

“
I had a chance to grieve. I miss that house.”

“
And Luke?”

“
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him or my life with him but what I miss are the good parts, the
good
Luke. I have no desire to be with him or to see him. I think visiting the house gave me the closure I needed.”

“
That’s good to hear. I thought it a bad idea and worried all day how it might impact you.”

“
Is that why you seem tired?”