My Boring-Ass Life (Revised Edition): The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith (26 page)

We pop in Harley’s Mariah remix CD and dig into some family Batman Uno, Disney Yahtzee, and Bingo. After an hour or so of that, we pop in
NewsRadio
, I check email, and Jen and Harley work on birthday party invitations.

2nd A.D. Karen calls to let me know I’ve got a 7:30 a.m. call time to block, but will probably be sent home after that, as my portion of the large funeral scene that starts the flick won’t be shot ‘til later in the day. I call downstairs and get a wake-up call for 6:30 a.m.

Jen puts Harley to bed, and the two of us watch more
NewsRadio
eps, eventually moving it into the bedroom, where we fall asleep before eleven.

Wednesday 25 May 2005 @ 3:36 p.m.

Wake-up call gets me up at 6:30 a.m. and I immediately jump in the shower. As I’m drying, I check email, then take a shit. I call down for the car, then drive over to the set.

From base camp, I’m driven over to the set: a large mansion in Shaughnessy. On the ride, I meet Fiona Shaw, who’s playing the dead fiancé’s Mom, Mrs. Douglas.

I hang out with Sam and Tim for a bit before we head inside to block. Garner arrives, we say hi, and the blocking’s off and running. Sam, Fiona and I chit-chat, as our portion of the scene involves just we three. We talk about Alan Rickman a bit, until Susanah gets to our section of the scene.

Blocking done, I head back to trailer world and hang out talking with Sam and Tim for a bit before heading to the vanities. Forest puts my hair on and Margaret does the makeup thing, after which I head back to my trailer and pop in
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
during which I sign hundreds of
Silent Bob Speaks
tip-in sheets while waiting for the official word that I can head back to the hotel for a few hours.

Chris Moore calls, and asks if I wanna interview Harvey Weinstein for this show he’s producing for the Sundance Channel called ‘Iconoclasts’. I tell him I’d be way down for it, and ask him when he gets back into town, and if he’ll wanna check out
Madagascar
with me, Jen and Harley on Friday (which he does).

Vol. 1
ends, and I’m so digging on it again that I call Quentin and leave him a message about how genius I feel the flick is. Then, Lori comes by the trailer to tell me I can go home for a few hours if I’d like, and come back around three, when they think they’ll get to my set-up.

I head back to the hotel and crash at the apartment, eating a sandwich and watching
NewsRadio
episodes. Karen calls to usher me back to set a bit earlier, and as I’m leaving, Jen and Harley return from shopping and lunch at a Thai restaurant down the street. I get kisses and hugs, and head back to set.

I get back to base camp and Lori tells me they’re still three shots away from my scene. I get into my costume and watch
Kill Bill, Vol. 2
while signing more tip-in sheets. I get through the whole flick before Lori comes to let me know it’s time.

I head back to the set, where I talk to John Lindley, our DP, about
The Last Shot
(which he shot), as well as some of the other flicks on his killer resumé, like
Field of Dreams
and
Sneakers
.

Fiona, Sam and I shoot our scene. Between set-ups, we chill outside, chitchatting about UK real estate, American politics,
Dogma
, and other stuff. Susanah joins us and I ask if she wants to send her kids to
Madagascar
with me, Harley, Jen, Chris Moore and his daughter Maddy, but Susanah declines, as she’s concerned the kids might not take to the flick well without her there.

We head inside for another take, before which I ask Fiona if she’s a Dame yet. She admits that she’s halfway there, having received the CBE — the Commander of the British Empire honor. Naturally, everyone in the near vicinity fixates on this, and Fiona seems a little embarrassed by the sudden attention.

Outside again, between set-ups, we continue our CBE discussion when Susanah joins us and states that she’s instituting a new rule: we can bullshit all we want between takes, but we’re not allowed to chit-chat on set right before a take. This is pretty much directed at me, because I’m the chatty one.

I’m a little stung by this, though, as I was chatting up Fiona a) because she’s interesting, but chiefly b) to make her feel more at home on the set. Granted, she’s almost a Dame, but she’s also someone who didn’t get a chance to bond with the rest of us during rehearsals. And every cast and crew tends to pussy-foot around British actors, for fear that their “process” will be interrupted somehow. But I remember Alan Rickman telling me that’s irritating because it tends to isolate the Brits on a set, quite against their will. Based on this, I’m trying to make Fiona feel especially included.

I’ve always felt it’s insanely important to make everyone on my sets feel completely at home and at ease, so I brought that sensibility to this picture. But I get the impression that Susanah was worried that my constant chatting and fooling around would throw Fiona off her game — hence this new “rule”. Since it’s Susanah’s set, I abide by the rule, and keep my yap shut on set for the rest of the day.

I’m off camera keeping my mouth shut on the last shot of our coverage. Henry, the camera operator, lets me turn the camera on and off upon announcements of “Sound speed...” and “Cut”. I suddenly realize that, in twelve years of making movies, this is the first 35mm camera I’ve ever turned on or off.

Our scene wrapped, I head back to base camp, get out of my clothes, leave the clothes in the living room to add some variety to Wardrobe Elaine’s costume-retrieval routine, jot a quick note informing her of this, then head to the vanities trailer, where Forest removes my hairpiece and, God bless her, washes my hair. Margaret’s up on set so Ange removes my makeup and gives me the mini-facial. I pop by my trailer, collect my signed tip-in sheets, and head home.

I call Jen, who tells me Byron and Gail have arrived, and they’d all like to grab something to eat. I pick up the brood and take them to Gotham for dinner, where we all catch-up. Afterwards, I swing us through Stanley Park to show off the town a bit.

We get back to the hotel and Harley elects to sleep with Nan and Pop, giving Jen and I our first night alone in over a week. Exhausted, we crash watching
NewsRadio
eps, which we fall asleep to.

Thursday 26 May 2005 @ 10:06 a.m.

I’ve got a 7:30 a.m. call time, which I’m twenty minutes late for — bad form in the movie world. When I get to base camp, I’m rushed to set for a blocking. It’s a nice one-er which once again has me admiring Susanah’s directorial instinct.

I head back to vanities and get hair and makeup done. Head to trailer and get dressed, then catch a van back to set before I’m called, so as to be in a state of cat-like readiness to make up for my lateness at call. I chit-chat with A.D. Dave for awhile about his time on the aborted
Mission: Impossible 3
, then shoot the shit with Susanah a bit before it’s time to roll.

Sam and I shoot our scene. Four takes later, we’re done for the day.

Forest removes my fake hair and washes my real hair. Margaret takes my makeup off and gives me a mini-facial. God, I love being in the movies.

On the drive back to the hotel, I call Byron to see if he, Jen, Harley, and Gail left already for their picnic in Stanley Park. He confirms that they’re in the park, and tosses me over to Jen who gives me directions where to meet them.

We hang out in the park watching Harley play on the swingset. Quinnster wants to head down to the water park, so her entourage follows. I grab some grub from the concessions stand and chit-chat with Byron and Gail about the Ted cleanup while Jen and Harley pick up shells from the beach. Then, Jen and I leave Quinnster with B&G, and we head back to the hotel.

Back at the apartment, we get into woobs and kick back with some
NewsRadio
s. After a few hours, we head out to grab some dinner, opting for the Macaroni Grill. En route, we pop by the Thai place that Byron, Gail and Harley were supposed to be eating at, but they’ve already left. We meet them across the street at the food store, and invite Quinnster to a second dinner with Mom and Dad. She agrees to accompany us.

The three of us eat at Macaroni Grill, adding yet another restaurant to our Never Again list, then drive around looking for a magazine stand to pick up the
Rolling Stone
with my Vader piece. We don’t find one, so we head back to the hotel.

I carry Harley’s TV/DVD down to B&G’s room, where Harley’s gonna sleep again. We head back upstairs and chill in the living room, watching more
NewsRadio
episodes and a few
X-Files
too while checking email.

I move to the bedroom and fall asleep watching a
Simpsons
. Jen joins me and I cuddle up to her and fall asleep again.

Friday 27 May 2005 @ 10:15 a.m.

Get up at 10:00 a.m., after a good night of deep sleep. Jen wakes up not too long afterwards, and we watch some
NewsRadio
eps while checking email. Smalls made an appointment for me to check out the Vogue for the Vancouver Q&A I’m thinking of doing, but I call him to change the appointment from eleven thirty to one instead.

I take a shower, then head downstairs. While waiting for my car, I call Chris Moore to see if he’s back in town, and if he’s up for a little
Madagascar
. He’s not answering, so I call Jenno to see if she knows where he is. We chit-chat about the show a bit, and when my car shows up, I head down to Granville.

At the Vogue theater, I meet with John Paul, the guy in charge of the place. He shows me around, lets me know about my TicketMaster options, and suggests I talk to the Georgia Straight about sponsoring the event. The place looks great, so I confirm for 16 July.

I call Smalls about the details, then head to Golden Age Collectibles on Granville to talk to the owner about possibly using their store as ticket pickup point.

On the way back to the garage, I talk to Jim Jackman about the commentary track we’re gonna record for the
Degrassi
DVD tomorrow as well as other
Degrassi
stuff. Chris Moore calls to see what time we’re seeing
Madagascar
. On my way back to the car, a dude named T-Roy who’s shooting and performing in a music video for his resumé asks me to do an intro for him, which I do.

I get back to the hotel, take a shower, and get dressed. Sam shows up, and with Jen and Harley, we head down to the theater. C-Moo and his daughter Maddy get there just in time, and we head in to
Madagascar
(a cute and funny flick).

Post-flick, Jen heads off to run an errand, and me, Harley, Chris, Maddy and Sam go back to the apartment. The girls watch
Kim Possible
while me, Sam and Moore chit-chat out on the balcony.

Sam, C-Moo and Maddy leave, and me, Jen, Harley, Byron and Gail go out to eat at an Italian joint called Il Giardino’s. We chow down then take a ride through Yaletown to scout for more restaurants we can hit in the coming months, before heading back to the hotel.

Jen and I say g’night to Quinnster, who heads downstairs to sleep at Byron and Gail’s again. We get into our woobs and sack out in front of some
X-Files
.

Mewes finally gets to the hotel and calls up to our room. He comes by and we play catch up for a bit. We decide to check out the Holiday Inn Casino on Broadway, across the Cambie Bridge. Mewes wants to eat, so he orders some room service, then heads downstairs to switch his room so as to be closer to us.

While I’m on the living room floor checking email, Schwalbach emerges from the bedroom, standing in the doorway in her g-string, asking if I’m interested. As she’s in her g-string, naturally I’m interested. As I get up to join her, Mewes returns. I figure he’ll be too busy with his grub to realize I’ve popped off for a quickie, so Schwalbach and I bury ourselves in our room and bone a bit. Afterwards, we get dressed, then head off to the casino with the none-the-wiser Mewes.

The casino turns out to be a ballroom that the Holiday Inn has turned into a small casino. It suits me and Mewes just fine, but Jen finds the place sketchy. We put our names on the poker list and try to figure out whether we wanna stay or not. Jen and I kill some time playing blackjack while Mewes surfs a few other table games. An hour and change after we get there, they finally call our names for poker.

We join the $2/$4 Limit table, which is full of a regular bunch of rounders. After twenty minutes, Schwalbach’s way into casino (even this casino) poker: the camaraderie with strangers, the mystery of players you don’t know, the thrill of multiple victories. She takes down some big pots — about six in a row. We wind up playing ‘til one in the morning.

We head back to the hotel on a poker high, all of us coming home a little heavier in the pockets than when we left. We order room service and watch
Owning Mahowny
. Mewes plays some Ultimate Bet on Jen’s laptop while I check email and update my diary. At the end of
Mahowny
, Jen and I crash, leaving Mewes to watch
Assault on Precinct 13
by himself in the living room.

Saturday 28 May 2005 @ 10:15 a.m.

I wake up and putter for a bit before Jim Jackman calls to say he’s in the hotel. We make plans to meet up in my room before we head over to the commentary record.

Jen takes Harley to the Petting Zoo and I shower, get dressed and call Jim. He, Mewes,
Degrassi
head writer Aaron Martin and Stacie ‘Caitlin Ryan’ Mistysyn come up to my room for a bit.

We head over to the Warehouse Studio, a sound recording place outside of Gastown. All five of us sit around a monitor and record three different commentary tracks for the Kevin Smith/Jason Mewes episodes of
Degrassi: The Next Generation
. We’re done around six, at which point we all head back to the hotel.

We retire to our respective rooms. In the apartment, I find Jen getting ready for dinner. At seven, we take Jay, Jackman, Aaron, Stacie and Sam Jaeger to Il Giardino’s.